Are we dating or FWB.. or what are we?

[Rafaely]

Quick background;

I met this girl when I was bored through an app where you can chat with strangers, randomly enough she was from the same country and we started chatting. This was ~3 months ago and we were just laughing a lot, had a click and a nice time when chatting. I found out that she was having issues with her boyfriend of a few months, that he didn't like how she wanted a tattoo, that she smokes cigarettes, etc. She knew I had no problems with that so she liked that about me I guess.

 

After a while I got her number, and we went forth with texting. During that time her boyfriend broke up with her, and she felt bad about it. She didn't really talk to me much about it, because I wanted to avoid it. But when she did I briefly gave my opinion and went with an other subject. After a while she asked me if we could watch a movie, because we live 4h roughly away we had to do this with Skype, which was fun. Our first time 'doing' something together I guess and talking to get to know each other better. Some time after we did it again, and some weeks later we decided to meet up.

 

 

Date #1? (Is this even a date? I don't know.)

I went to her place, and this was our first time seeing each other. We watched a movie in her bed, it didn't feel awkward at all and she felt comfortable too. We ended up drinking to get a bit more loose and had a walk outside at night where we held hands after a while when I tried to.

When we got home after a silent pauze we ended up kissing, had sex, and fell asleep together holding each other. Also some sweet talk. The morning after she asked; "What are we? Are we friends with benefits?" I told her I didn't knew, and we shouldn't label ourselves and just be ourselves. She agreed, and said something about taking it slow too. She said how she felt comfortable and everything felt right, as if we knew each other for longer too. In the same morning we had a little intimiate time too, and after we ate and I had to leave, in the car she asked if i ever met women like how i met her, online and stuff. She told me she saw a few guys, but it was only sex and that was it or they never saw each other again. I was kinda surprised by that, am I a guy she just saw for sex and that was it? I don't know.

 

When I was on my home by my self I texted her that I had a nice time, and she replied she thought so too and was happy we both liked it.

 

Note, at this point I am/was really careful of becoming a rebound, or falling way too quick for her, to avoid hurting myself if things don't work out as I hope..

 

After this we still kept in contact through texting, sometimes not so much, or a day nothing but yeah. I asked her to come and eat with me in a big town nearby my place.

 

Date #2

So we met each other, hugged and went into the city. I decided to bring her to this Japanese place I had in mind and she really liked it. We had a nice meal and talked, laughed and we came up to a point where we both said that we kinda talked less through texting because the other person was a bit distant or less talkative it seems. So we got that out of the way, finished our meal and went outside into the sun. Sat near the water and we just sat there for an hour or so, talking, looking at things and smiling at each other. All of a sudden she leaned in and hugged me close, I asked her if she missed me she said yes, and asked if I did too, I answered yeah. After a while she put her legs over mine, asked for a kiss and so we did.

 

The date didn't last long because she had to go, only 3-4 hours or so but we had a great time. Held hands again when walking back, hugged and kissed when I brought her to her train. During this date she also said we should do this again, etcetera. After she got home she texted that she liked it and was really glad that she decided to go. (She was very tired first)

 

Now this morning, I woke up and she said she was going to a party this sunday, I asked who and she said ; "A (male) friend"

I told her I liked the artists playing there (I do) and maybe I should go too but since it's pretty far away I said it's either driving by car, going there and not drinking or taking a train early before the ending back. She didn't really.. show anything that I should come, or that she'd wanted it imo.

 

I'm just confused now, like.. not overthinking but I wonder who that guy is, if she'l end up sleeping with him and maybe it's even her ex as he lives in the same city as her where the party is being held.

 

I have some feelings for her, since it's really fresh I'm taking things slow. Especially because of her recent break-up, and that she asked if we were FWB. I don't want to get too many feelings and end up being hurt.. Though, we hold hands, kissed several times and hugs, staring in each other eyes and smiling.. that's not something you do to a guy you use as a rebound or is a friend with benefit, right?

 

I'm confused on how to take it further. I'm thinking I should not worry about 'the guy' she's going to the party with on Sunday and reduce my expectations. And stop the thought of jealousy and block this 'overthinking' (I hate it) And as for a third date (if these were even to be called dates) let her initiate it.

 

Any thoughts? I'm confused.

[GemmaUK]

She is following your lead from what you said on date #1.

 

I'm not sure why you are confused.

 

 

You set the 'rules'.

[Rafaely]

She is following your lead from what you said on date #1.

 

I'm not sure why you are confused.

 

 

You set the 'rules'.

That's what I hope. But because she asked if we were FWB's, I figured she'd 'suggestively' asked it, if you understand what I mean.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it was a bit presumptuous to hint that you go to this party she's attending. Though you've been chatting a while, you barely know her offline. It could have put her off a little. I know it would probably rub me the wrong way if a guy I just started seeing more or less invited him to an event when I hadn't extended the invitation. She has her own life, and could well be seeing other guys. At this stage, since you're not putting labels on things (which I agree was a good call, it's far too early) you are both free to do so.

 

I also don't think you should be doubting yourself so much, ie wondering if you're a guy she just met for sex (like the others she'd mentioned) She could be thinking the same thing about you, too. Assume that she is enjoying her time with you and if you want to ask her out again, go for it. Get to know her more. That will tell you if she is seriously interested or not.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but the things you described (the hand-holding, cuddles, etc) are all indeed things that can happen in the context of a rebound or a FWB situation. I don't mean to say she's definitely not genuine, but sometimes people do what feels good in the moment. You'll need to build a connection and find out where her heart is at. But you're right to be a bit wary here. If she's coming off a recent break-up, I'd be cautious that she's not just looking for a replacement and some affection. How long were they together?

[Rafaely]

I think it was a bit presumptuous to hint that you go to this party she's attending. Though you've been chatting a while, you barely know her offline. It could have put her off a little. I know it would probably rub me the wrong way if a guy I just started seeing more or less invited him to an event when I hadn't extended the invitation. She has her own life, and could well be seeing other guys. At this stage, since you're not putting labels on things (which I agree was a good call, it's far too early) you are both free to do so.

 

I also don't think you should be doubting yourself so much, ie wondering if you're a guy she just met for sex (like the others she'd mentioned) She could be thinking the same thing about you, too. Assume that she is enjoying her time with you and if you want to ask her out again, go for it. Get to know her more. That will tell you if she is seriously interested or not.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but the things you described (the hand-holding, cuddles, etc) are all indeed things that can happen in the context of a rebound or a FWB situation. I don't mean to say she's definitely not genuine, but sometimes people do what feels good in the moment. You'll need to build a connection and find out where her heart is at. But you're right to be a bit wary here. If she's coming off a recent break-up, I'd be cautious that she's not just looking for a replacement and some affection. How long were they together?

 

I agree I shouldn't really have 'invited' myself to the party, even though I really like the artists playing there haha. I was just hoping she'd say; "Oh you can stay at my place" - not to have any ideas but that she'd think of a thing like that. Oh well. I won't go there, I just wanted to see what'd she say if I was interested in going.

 

You're right that I should just go further on how things are, she enjoyed both times we saw each other, so we'll see how the next times will go. I still want to take things slow, and see how we'll and where we'll grow to overtime.

 

Yeah, I thought of that 'replacement' thing too. That's why I don't want to go fast in meeting up and all, and not express feelings yet. I like her, I want to get to know her better and see how things will go. I think she and her ex were together for 4 months, I think he was her first longer relationship.

[babycakees]

I would definitely just take things slow with this girl. She's very likely on the rebound. At this point in the "relationship", it doesn't really matter who she is going with to the show. Besides, you said date #1 you didn't want to label anything.

 

Good Luck.

[elaine567]

I am just not sure that you are cut out to be a FWB.

You appear to be getting involved and it is only 2 dates.

If you are looking for more then tell her, otherwise if she is also looking for more, she will fade on you if she thinks you only see her as a FWB.

If you are just looking for FWBs/casual then you are going to have to accept she is going to see other guys, unless you decide to be exclusive and only see each other, even if it is only for sex.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree I shouldn't really have 'invited' myself to the party, even though I really like the artists playing there haha. I was just hoping she'd say; "Oh you can stay at my place" - not to have any ideas but that she'd think of a thing like that. Oh well. I won't go there, I just wanted to see what'd she say if I was interested in going.

 

You're right that I should just go further on how things are, she enjoyed both times we saw each other, so we'll see how the next times will go. I still want to take things slow, and see how we'll and where we'll grow to overtime.

 

Yeah, I thought of that 'replacement' thing too. That's why I don't want to go fast in meeting up and all, and not express feelings yet. I like her, I want to get to know her better and see how things will go. I think she and her ex were together for 4 months, I think he was her first longer relationship.

 

How old is she? (and you?) I ask because 4 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, unless she's on the younger side.

[Rafaely]

I would definitely just take things slow with this girl. She's very likely on the rebound. At this point in the "relationship", it doesn't really matter who she is going with to the show. Besides, you said date #1 you didn't want to label anything.

 

 

Good Luck.

Mmhm, well I didn't wanted to label it anything because I want to date her more first, it was only our first meeting.

 

I am just not sure that you are cut out to be a FWB.

You appear to be getting involved and it is only 2 dates.

If you are looking for more then tell her, otherwise if she is also looking for more, she will fade on you if she thinks you only see her as a FWB.

If you are just looking for FWBs/casual then you are going to have to accept she is going to see other guys, unless you decide to be exclusive and only see each other, even if it is only for sex.

I do think i'm leaning more to 'more' then FWB but I want to see her some more times, see how she is and how she behaves, and maybe then open up that subject to her.

 

How old is she? (and you?) I ask because 4 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, unless she's on the younger side.

She's 19, I'm 23. And yeah, I thought so too, that was a short relationship.

 

Edit: I did ask her in the restaurant if she ever thinks back of our first meeting, and she smiled and said yeah and asked if I did too. I told her it was special.

And I'm kinda thinking on what to do like, if I ask her too soon if we can be more then FWB, or exactly what she thinks we are, or what she wants.. It might be too soon for that.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Rafaely

[Rafaely]

Well we haven't been really talking much over text, so I decided to call her. Just asked what she was doing (homework) etcetera. After some point I asked her if she wanted to meet up again some time, she was up for it. I suggested some idea's and she said we'll talk later about it further. I told her I have a free day next week thursday and she said she had school and already had plans in the evening.

 

So I ended the call, and the days after we haven't been texting at all like. 3 days now without neither of us sending a message. I want her to approach me but yeah that ain't happening. So I noticed she was online last night at 3:40-ish and i'm like okay.. maybe she had a party or whatever. I don't wanna overthink it.

 

So I kinda wanna ask her tonight if we can talk, and then tell her that I wonder what we are. Sometimes it feels like we're friends and sometimes it feels like we're more then friends (on dates for example).. And ask her opinion about it? I don't know if that's a good thing to do but I'm confused and I'd like to know where we stand. And what I should do after I get the answer.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's necessary to ask her where she stands. It seems pretty clear that she's keeping it casual for now. Her reluctance to make plans and reduced communication suggest she's not looking to take it further for the moment. Having this type of talk so early puts too much pressure on the situation.

 

She knows you like her. Step back for a little while and don't make yourself so available to her. You've already suggested getting together. Let her come to you, or you'll risk looking too invested. And definitely don't ask her about her online activity.

[Redhead14]

Quick background;

I met this girl when I was bored through an app where you can chat with strangers, randomly enough she was from the same country and we started chatting. This was ~3 months ago and we were just laughing a lot, had a click and a nice time when chatting. I found out that she was having issues with her boyfriend of a few months, that he didn't like how she wanted a tattoo, that she smokes cigarettes, etc. She knew I had no problems with that so she liked that about me I guess.

 

After a while I got her number, and we went forth with texting. During that time her boyfriend broke up with her, and she felt bad about it. She didn't really talk to me much about it, because I wanted to avoid it. But when she did I briefly gave my opinion and went with an other subject. After a while she asked me if we could watch a movie, because we live 4h roughly away we had to do this with Skype, which was fun. Our first time 'doing' something together I guess and talking to get to know each other better. Some time after we did it again, and some weeks later we decided to meet up.

 

 

Date #1? (Is this even a date? I don't know.)

I went to her place, and this was our first time seeing each other. We watched a movie in her bed, it didn't feel awkward at all and she felt comfortable too. We ended up drinking to get a bit more loose and had a walk outside at night where we held hands after a while when I tried to.

When we got home after a silent pauze we ended up kissing, had sex, and fell asleep together holding each other. Also some sweet talk. The morning after she asked; "What are we? Are we friends with benefits?" I told her I didn't knew, and we shouldn't label ourselves and just be ourselves. She agreed, and said something about taking it slow too. She said how she felt comfortable and everything felt right, as if we knew each other for longer too. In the same morning we had a little intimiate time too, and after we ate and I had to leave, in the car she asked if i ever met women like how i met her, online and stuff. She told me she saw a few guys, but it was only sex and that was it or they never saw each other again. I was kinda surprised by that, am I a guy she just saw for sex and that was it? I don't know.

 

When I was on my home by my self I texted her that I had a nice time, and she replied she thought so too and was happy we both liked it.

 

Note, at this point I am/was really careful of becoming a rebound, or falling way too quick for her, to avoid hurting myself if things don't work out as I hope..

 

After this we still kept in contact through texting, sometimes not so much, or a day nothing but yeah. I asked her to come and eat with me in a big town nearby my place.

 

Date #2

So we met each other, hugged and went into the city. I decided to bring her to this Japanese place I had in mind and she really liked it. We had a nice meal and talked, laughed and we came up to a point where we both said that we kinda talked less through texting because the other person was a bit distant or less talkative it seems. So we got that out of the way, finished our meal and went outside into the sun. Sat near the water and we just sat there for an hour or so, talking, looking at things and smiling at each other. All of a sudden she leaned in and hugged me close, I asked her if she missed me she said yes, and asked if I did too, I answered yeah. After a while she put her legs over mine, asked for a kiss and so we did.

 

The date didn't last long because she had to go, only 3-4 hours or so but we had a great time. Held hands again when walking back, hugged and kissed when I brought her to her train. During this date she also said we should do this again, etcetera. After she got home she texted that she liked it and was really glad that she decided to go. (She was very tired first)

 

Now this morning, I woke up and she said she was going to a party this sunday, I asked who and she said ; "A (male) friend"

I told her I liked the artists playing there (I do) and maybe I should go too but since it's pretty far away I said it's either driving by car, going there and not drinking or taking a train early before the ending back. She didn't really.. show anything that I should come, or that she'd wanted it imo.

 

I'm just confused now, like.. not overthinking but I wonder who that guy is, if she'l end up sleeping with him and maybe it's even her ex as he lives in the same city as her where the party is being held.

 

I have some feelings for her, since it's really fresh I'm taking things slow. Especially because of her recent break-up, and that she asked if we were FWB. I don't want to get too many feelings and end up being hurt.. Though, we hold hands, kissed several times and hugs, staring in each other eyes and smiling.. that's not something you do to a guy you use as a rebound or is a friend with benefit, right?

 

I'm confused on how to take it further. I'm thinking I should not worry about 'the guy' she's going to the party with on Sunday and reduce my expectations. And stop the thought of jealousy and block this 'overthinking' (I hate it) And as for a third date (if these were even to be called dates) let her initiate it.

 

Any thoughts? I'm confused.

 

It doesn't matter what she does. You two are not a couple. She owes you nothing at this point. You've been on two dates. Until you are dating consistently and have declared or established what type of relationship it is between you, she can and should do whatever she wants and you shouldn't be spending one minute thinking about it. As for her asking "what are we" after sex, she's trying to back pedal more or less for having sex too soon with someone instead of having a conversation about what she's looking for out of her dating experiences and finding out what it is you are looking for. That conversation should happen before sex if she's going to be worrying about what "it is".

 

In any new dating scenario you should be managing your emotions and expectations for quite sometime. When you've declared exclusivity you should expect her to be "exclusive" with you sexually.

 

For now, I'd say, initiate and 3rd date with her with a specific day, time and place and go from there. If she likes you enough she will begin to initiate things. If you find that you are doing all the initiating after that, you leave the ball in her court specifically. In other words, you call her once in a while and tell her to let you know when she is available for another date. Don't ask for one.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Redhead14

[barcode88]

Well op I think you had sex and got attached to her. It sounds like your second date was lovely but I think you were too intrusive on barging into her plans. It's not advisable to try invite yourself to her weekend plans, and asking who she was going with was a bit insecure because it shows you care who she's going with (you shouldn't)

 

It's ok to have the feelings you do, just try and internalize them and try your best to act rationally so you don't mess things up it sounds like she still has the hots for you based on the physical contact on date 2.

 

Make sure if she asks again what you two are that you don't beat around the bush too much.

[Popsicle]

You left it wide open so it is wide open.

[Rafaely]

Update since a while.

 

So me and her were still in contact after the second date, and also in person during the second date she said she wanted to meet up again sometime. Now our texting went less for a bit after this.. Mainly because she didn't text so much and I did too because I was confused on what we were so I backed off a bit.

 

I then called her at some point in the evening and asked if she wanted to watch a movie or something but she said she was busy studying which is okay! So I told her we could do it some other time. After that we barely texted. In a span of 2 weeks not texting I then texted her asking if she wanted to meet up again some time and that I really liked our last time. She said that was probably possible in some weeks, when it's summer holiday. Because she was a bit busy and had exams coming up. I said that wasn't a problem and alright.

 

After this we haven't spoke a single word. Now I am kinda waiting till she texts me, as I left the ball in her court. I could wait another two weeks so I'll know er exams are over then. Still this month without speaking makes me worried if what we have is.. Fading you know? Maybe she is waiting for me to text, or maybe she isn't even bothered at all.

 

I thought of sending her just a text to wish her goodluck with her exams. Then again I kinda want her to initiate contact so I know she's still interested and since I left the ball in her court. This sucks.

[Lois_Griffin]

Sounds as though she lost interest and has probably found another guy to do her casual sex thing with.

 

If you hadn't reached out to her these past few times, you wouldn't have heard from her at all.

 

Take that as your cue that she's no longer interested.

[Rafaely]

Sounds as though she lost interest and has probably found another guy to do her casual sex thing with.

 

If you hadn't reached out to her these past few times, you wouldn't have heard from her at all.

 

Take that as your cue that she's no longer interested.

 

Maybe. It's weird though considering how she was on the last date, missing me and all. Who knows you're right. Or maybe she really is busy. Ugh. But that's the thing, I don't know if we are fwb or dating. I'm really gonna ask her if we'll meet a third time lol.

 

Still considering to text her a goodluck with her exams or leave it be and wait another two weeks for her exams to end and see what happens.

[Lansing]

Are you serious? You ask again in your last message " I don't know if we are fwb or dating. I'm really gonna ask her if we'll meet a third time lol."

 

You aren't fwb and you aren't dating. You haven't seen her in WEEKS nor talked to her.

 

 

My advice... Do not text her a "good luck with your exams message". Don't contact her.... ever again... If you hear from her after her exams than maybe there is interest there.

 

So, I have a feeling you won't follow this advice... If you feel like you really need to try one last time then wait until exams are over (don't contact her now) and give her one final chance to accept a date. Don't call her last minute. But, you need to commit to move on if you don't end up getting a date or her suggesting another day.

 

I had a girl that I was interested in that was "busy" with work.. I gave her a few chances and the last straw was her responding to inviting her out to something SHE wanted to go to two days later on the night where I was at this event already telling me she went already a few days before... ha...

[Rafaely]

Aye thanks. Yeah I'll just move on and see what happens in a few weeks, see if she contacts me. If not, maybe I'll shoot a last message and see how it goes from there. Thanks.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Date #1? (Is this even a date? I don't know.)

 

 

I'm not really into "rules" when it comes to dating, but I think this should be a serious rule when it comes to dating.

 

One should NEVER have to wonder "Is this a date?" When you're out on a date.

[RedRobin]

I always tell both men and women not to have sex so soon, and especially if their feelings are conflicted. Only makes things more confusing and usually someone ends up feeling hurt.

 

 

In the future, I'd consider just holding off on sex for awhile until you establish clear interest.

 

 

The one and only time I had sex on a first date, I dumped the guy because I didn't want a guy as a BF who had a habit of ONS or having sex with relative strangers. Nor did I want to be a woman who had a habit of them either. But that is just me. Just saying that there are likely other women out there (besides me) who won't consider a guy as a potential BF if they have sex very soon. Just like guys.

[Rafaely]

I always tell both men and women not to have sex so soon, and especially if their feelings are conflicted. Only makes things more confusing and usually someone ends up feeling hurt.

 

 

In the future, I'd consider just holding off on sex for awhile until you establish clear interest.

 

 

The one and only time I had sex on a first date, I dumped the guy because I didn't want a guy as a BF who had a habit of ONS or having sex with relative strangers. Nor did I want to be a woman who had a habit of them either. But that is just me. Just saying that there are likely other women out there (besides me) who won't consider a guy as a potential BF if they have sex very soon. Just like guys.

Oh yeah I agree. It's just that we were meeting as friends for the first time and then this happened. Been a long while since I felt something for someone so maybe that influences this too. I never do one night stands tho.