Dating a divorced man.

[nlynnc]

I need advice, badly!

 

I am really struggling as to if I should keep moving forward with a guy that I have been seeing for the last month. He is SUPER nice/sweet and such a good guy. We went to the same school growing up and so have asked a few of my friends that knew him in school, what their opinion of him is. They all say he is a sweetheart and I deserve to be with someone like him. He recently finalized his divorce this march. (his ex wife wanted the divorce because she cheated on him) He was married for 6 years and has three kids. I have two kids, but have never been married.

Anyways, I've been worried this whol time that I could be a rebound for him and i've told him i'm worried about that, but he assures me that i'm not. We've only had sex once and we didnt even kiss until after 2 weeks of seeing eachother. I can tell he really does care A LOT about me we just 'get eachother'. We are so similar in so many ways and are family upbringings are the same. We have the same values.

 

Last night I was over at his house and we were making out and about to go upstairs to his room, but I needed to use the bathroom first. While I was in the bathroom I guess he checked his phone and his ex wife called twice and text him saying 'you need to call me'. When I came out he was on the phone with her and I immediately got turned off. She was calling to tell him that their daughter was throwing up. So anyways, we never ended up doing anything and we got into a little disagreement, because I feel like he is not truly over her and I thought she didnt need to actually call him and talk just to tell him his daughter is throwing up. She is their mother and is a big girl and can figure that out on her own. If she wanted to continuously contact him for things that she can handle or just for random thing (like she called him the other day to tell him there was a car accident on the road he was driving on) then she should still be married to him! And not have cheated on him. Thats's how I feel anyways. I just dont know if I can handle being with a man that has an ex wife, who I know is always going to be around.

I told him last night that they need to sit down and come up with some boundaries as to ONLY contacting eachother if its and emergency. I also asked that if they have any unresolved emotional feelings for eachother to tell me and we would take time apart until they figure that out between eachother. I just want to be doing the right thing, because my last relationship I was with a VERY broken and unhealthy/dysfunctional guy. And now that I have children I will not be involved in a relationship that is unhealthy.

 

So, is there anyone who could give me some kind of advice/encouragment in dating a person who has been thru a divorce? Is it worth it to push past the rough spots with their ex?

 

Also, I just felt very unimportant to him last night because as we were going to go upstairs to his room, he ends up calling his ex. Or am I overreacting about it because thats just something i'll need to deal with. I just felt like she was lonely and just wanted to hear from him and that she is more than capable of taking care of their daughter if she's throwing up.

[Popsicle]

Did she really cheat on him? Shouldn't she be calling her new man? Sounds like he's not all that upset with her. Strange that he'd rather coddle her, even though she cheated on him than you. That woukd piss me off too, but maybe he's just too newly divorced and needs time alone. Most do.

[Redhead14]

I need advice, badly!

 

I am really struggling as to if I should keep moving forward with a guy that I have been seeing for the last month. He is SUPER nice/sweet and such a good guy. We went to the same school growing up and so have asked a few of my friends that knew him in school, what their opinion of him is. They all say he is a sweetheart and I deserve to be with someone like him. He recently finalized his divorce this march. (his ex wife wanted the divorce because she cheated on him) He was married for 6 years and has three kids. I have two kids, but have never been married.

Anyways, I've been worried this whol time that I could be a rebound for him and i've told him i'm worried about that, but he assures me that i'm not. We've only had sex once and we didnt even kiss until after 2 weeks of seeing eachother. I can tell he really does care A LOT about me we just 'get eachother'. We are so similar in so many ways and are family upbringings are the same. We have the same values.

 

Last night I was over at his house and we were making out and about to go upstairs to his room, but I needed to use the bathroom first. While I was in the bathroom I guess he checked his phone and his ex wife called twice and text him saying 'you need to call me'. When I came out he was on the phone with her and I immediately got turned off. She was calling to tell him that their daughter was throwing up. So anyways, we never ended up doing anything and we got into a little disagreement, because I feel like he is not truly over her and I thought she didnt need to actually call him and talk just to tell him his daughter is throwing up. She is their mother and is a big girl and can figure that out on her own. If she wanted to continuously contact him for things that she can handle or just for random thing (like she called him the other day to tell him there was a car accident on the road he was driving on) then she should still be married to him! And not have cheated on him. Thats's how I feel anyways. I just dont know if I can handle being with a man that has an ex wife, who I know is always going to be around.

I told him last night that they need to sit down and come up with some boundaries as to ONLY contacting eachother if its and emergency. I also asked that if they have any unresolved emotional feelings for eachother to tell me and we would take time apart until they figure that out between eachother. I just want to be doing the right thing, because my last relationship I was with a VERY broken and unhealthy/dysfunctional guy. And now that I have children I will not be involved in a relationship that is unhealthy.

 

So, is there anyone who could give me some kind of advice/encouragment in dating a person who has been thru a divorce? Is it worth it to push past the rough spots with their ex?

 

Also, I just felt very unimportant to him last night because as we were going to go upstairs to his room, he ends up calling his ex. Or am I overreacting about it because thats just something i'll need to deal with. I just felt like she was lonely and just wanted to hear from him and that she is more than capable of taking care of their daughter if she's throwing up.

 

If they are committed to successful co-parenting and they should be, he will want to know when his children are sick. If she asked him to come there to help deal with it, I'd be worried, but it sounds like she was just keeping him informed.

 

If he is a loving, caring father, his children will always come before you, I'm sorry to say.

 

Put yourself in his shoes . . . you have two children, if one of them were sick and the babysitter didn't tell you . . .

 

If you're going to continue to see him, you have to accept that he still has a family.

 

All that being said, how long has he been divorced? If it's not long, it's going to take time for him to learn how to detach from that role some. If it's still fresh for both of them, she is used to having him "there". It takes a while to truly become individuals again.

[PegNosePete]

You think he is not over her, because she called him?

 

Why did he call his ex as you were going upstairs?

 

And the divorce might only just be through, but how long ago did they separate?

[Popsicle]

You should tell him how you feel and then move on.

[carhill]

So, is there anyone who could give me some kind of advice/encouragment in dating a person who has been thru a divorce? Is it worth it to push past the rough spots with their ex?

 

With three kids, he'll be co-parenting for quite some time. Having dated a lot of single parents, there's no doubt the childless single partner faces compromises they'd not otherwise entertain if dating a person who wasn't a parent.

 

IMO, it's the parenting part that will be more prevalent as a dating issue than the divorced part, in that the parenting part can prolong the process of disconnection and acquiring a more neutral emotional state after divorce.

 

Based on the OP, I'd call this a miss and move on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry but I think you're WAY over reacting.

 

As much as I understand the need to protect yourself from being hurt again, you're making a mountain out of a molehill right now.

 

Just because he's talking with his ex wife about their children doesn't mean he's still pining for her for heaven's sake. Having children together is a bond that is forever whether you like your ex or not - you should know that.

 

I also doubt very much his ex wife knew you were over or called deliberately to mess up your evening. Did you ever consider that some divorced couples choose to remain amicable if only for the children's sake? Since when has that become a crime? My ex and I are very much like this. If my ex called about our son, I pick up the phone NOT because I want to talk with my ex but for the sake of our children.

 

Yes, the timing of that call could have been better but that's life. There will always be something that gets in the way of your time together. What's important is how you recover from it. Getting mad and jumping to conclusions isn't a very healthy way to deal with anything let alone a budding relationship.

 

It's clear you have residual issues from your last relationship. Perhaps you need to think about working on those issues before entering a relationship.

 

This isn't as much a dating-a-divorced-man issue as it is dating-a-broken-dysfunctional-unhealthy-guy issue.

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

In addition, you've only been seeing him for a month. You are in no position to try to dictate or control what he does or doesn't do. You should not be having this kind of conversation with him.

 

What you could have done was simply make a statement about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and let him talk. If he told you he was looking for another long-term committed relationship, you take him at his word at this point and continue to observe his words and actions. If he told you he just wanted something casual and you two weren't on that same page, then you'd move on.

[Popsicle]

He hadn't trained his ex wife it to call for stupid stuff yet.

 

He may not be the type who is able to do that. (Let alone even tell his exW that he has a gf). That remains to be seen.

 

If the kid was with him at that moment, it'd be a different story. But remember he is newly divorced. He doesn't know anything.

[toscaroscura]

I have an amicable co-parenting relationship with my ex husband, and anyone I date needs to understand that we still see each other and keep in contact. However, it's only about our son. There are ZERO feelings between us.

 

I do think she was being dramatic with all the texts and phone calls. Kids get sick and throw up, it's a fact of life. Now, if his daughter was so sick and throwing up so much she had to go to the hospital, then yes I can see the panicked response. I imagine if it was me and my ex, a simple informative text would be exchanged.

 

But I also think it's way too early to be issuing any sort of ultimatums about how he handles his ex. If it were me, even if I agreed my ex was being dramatic, being sat down and told what-for by some new guy I'm dating would turn me right off.

[carhill]

Since the OP is a single mother of two, she's probably familiar with the stresses of parenting and perhaps coordinating with the children's father(s) and all that entails, including emergencies, so is offering her opinion on the dynamic from that perspective.

 

Since the D was finalized only a couple months ago, though it probably had been going on for quite some time, given the apparent circumstances (infidelity and three children) shared, it's still early times and we men can be all over the place emotionally, even if having a publicly stoic face.

 

What remains is whether the OP can find some middle ground bridging the gap from her current perspective on how things should go versus what she is currently experiencing as reality with a newly divorced guy. If there's middle ground to find, that. If not, that. What remains is choice. If he's the sweetheart her friends indicate he is, then it could be worth the effort. Like our MC opined, sometimes bend is good but not so much bend that we break. We each decide that point for ourselves. Good luck!

[organizedchaos]

Did she really cheat on him? Shouldn't she be calling her new man? Sounds like he's not all that upset with her. Strange that he'd rather coddle her, even though she cheated on him than you. That woukd piss me off too, but maybe he's just too newly divorced and needs time alone. Most do.

 

Disagree. Why would she call the new guy instead of the father? That would piss me off (divorced also with a kid). I don't see the need for a phone call though. My ex would probably text me to tell me my kid is throwing up. That's normal even 7 years later. I would do the same. I think OP is overreacting.

[Popsicle]

This is how and why many divorced guys become those single dads that "my kid(s) are my whole world!" type and never find a good R again. They never learn how to balance it correctly.

[Popsicle]

Disagree. Why would she call the new guy instead of the father? That would piss me off (divorced also with a kid). I don't see the need for a phone call though. My ex would probably text me to tell me my kid is throwing up. That's normal even 7 years later. I would do the same. I think OP is overreacting.

 

Why would she call the new man? To make HIM drop everything for something stupid. Thats a husband privilege. That's what women do.

 

I'm divorced with kids too.

[Apaige]

I am in the same boat...been dating the same guy for some time now, and his ex wife calls him for the dumbest stuff. I am a mother of two, and I totally understand when it comes to children. My ex and I don't talk as much as they do. If it's an emergency, I call my ex, but I do not call him for stuff that I know I can handle. My ex cheated on me, and I want nothing to do with him other than when it comes to our children...but as I said, if my son or daughter was throwing up, I certainly wouldn't call him. Everyone is different, I think I am very independent, and I NEVER want to allow my ex to control me again, which is why I don't call him for stuff.

 

With that being said, my new partner's ex calls him for everything!! Right on down to her purchasing a new car. I have been dating my guy for 2 years, at this point that is way unacceptable. His Ex is a POS, and at 44 can't her life right. She always needs advice, there is always drama, and she can't make a decision to save her life (not even with their child) Friggen ridiculous....I do make a point to tell him to let her handle her adult life things, b/c he shouldn't have to help her every step along the way. He knows it bothers me, but I tend to help him and her out when it comes to their son.

 

personally, it is way to soon for you to make such demands so early. I am not saying back down, but the struggles have just begun. Either get used to them, or walk. Nothing wrong with setting such boundaries, (just not so soon) but understand that a child will always come first.

[nlynnc]

Thanks guys so much! I truly appreciate everyones advice. After reading responses, I realize I was overreacting. I just apologized to him and he was thankful. I just have insecurities i need to deal with still. (my ex cheated on me my whole relationship) Its just hard and its going to take time for me to work thru my trust issues. I do have to say though, after reading the one response about the relationship where the ex still contacts your bf about everything scares me. Kudos to you, because I dont think I could handle that.

 

And they have only been living separate since January of this year, so its all extremely recent and thats why I overreacted too, because I'm not going to be a rebound for him.

[PegNosePete]

5 months is very quick. The divorce and the pain will still very much be present inside him. I would say it's definitely too quick to move on from a marrigae of that length with kids.

 

He needs to tell his ex that it's not acceptable for her to call him every time she feels lonely or wants a chat. Kids-business only.

[nlynnc]

I realized too, how I said I want a healthy relationship..well how I went about handling the relationship wasnt healthy at all lol! So thank you for whoever said that and pointed that out.

[Redhead14]

I realized too, how I said I want a healthy relationship..well how I went about handling the relationship wasnt healthy at all lol! So thank you for whoever said that and pointed that out.

 

A lot of times people will post here knowing deep down that they've handled something and not in the best way but are too close and being reactive rather than proactive and they just need a little kick in the butt to be able to get back to the mindset they need

[nlynnc]

Apaige, when you and your bf first started dating, did you see his ex contacting him for silly things right away? Or did you not notice it till farther in your relationship?

[Gaeta]

Apaige, when you and your bf first started dating, did you see his ex contacting him for silly things right away? Or did you not notice it till farther in your relationship?

 

I would not consider my child vomiting a silly thing. I would also have contacted my ex-husband to let him know of the situation and warn him our daughter has been vomiting and to stand by because if it doesn't stop we will have to head to a clinic. You also don't know this man very much or his family history, his child may have a health condition or the child has been vomiting regularly lately and it's become a concern.

 

OP: Is it possible you don't get that kind of support from your children's father and that's why you are resenting your new boyfriend ? I also read in between the lines that you're perceiving his children and his ex as competition for his time. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves the real questions. In this case here the real question would be why am I jealous when he needs to attend to his children.

 

I have great admiration for men that take at heart their role as fathers. The incident you are describing wouldn't have phased me one bit, on the contrary.

[Apaige]

Apaige, when you and your bf first started dating, did you see his ex contacting him for silly things right away? Or did you not notice it till farther in your relationship?

 

There were, and still are many factors...she is an alcoholic, and just can't seem to get it right. She is a different type of mother then I...My children come first, her's seems to come second. She is 20 months sober, or so we think...so good for her. I give her credit for that. But she just cannot do anything or make any decisions on her own. She has been with her BF since her divorce, and they are on and off... So, that of course doesn't help.

 

On to the question that you asked; I hate to say this, but she seems to contact her Ex more now then before. I think b/c in the beginning there were too many hurt feelings. She always calls about their son, like so and so asked if Sam can sleep over...or he just won't eat his dinner, or he had a great day today, or I went shopping for Sam, and I got him a bunch of stuff..... And I think she calls him looking for approval, and to show that she is trying to be a better mother (she doesn't have custody, my BF does) It pisses me off, not so much b/c she reaches out to her Ex for stupid stuff, but that she just can't make a decision on her own. I have expressed my feelings about this to my BF, and he just says, she is who she is, and she has been this person since he's known her.

 

Okay, I get that, but the line must be drawn. She needed work done on her car, and b/c the air conditioner went, and she does drive around with their son, I told him that since he has the means to help with a situation like that, and only b/c she drives with Sam in the car, that he should help. But I have made it clear that she shouldn't be calling him about Sam sleeping over a friends house, or the fact that he won't eat, or if he is misbehaving. Those are things that she can work with him on. As far as her needing help with buying a new car, her new BF should be helping her with that. My BF now knows that those stupid cries for help piss me off. She will call him about their son, but go in to detail about her day, and I've heard him say to her, that there is no need to go into detail about stuff like that with him. Or, I've heard him say to her, that she needs to learn to handle their son on her own at times.

 

Let me give you an example...we were away on vacation without our children, his son calls to tell him what a horrible day he had...something happened at school (which this is fine, I would never tell him that he couldn't talk to his son about his day) Long story short Sam was left behind on the playground, and then locked out of the school b/c the teacher didn't count heads when entering back into the school. Sam was so upset, ( very emotional child-see my possible Asperger's Syndrome post), so he talked to him. And then asked me to call him back to make sure that he was okay...I just get him that way. Then ex W calls two more times, to continue on with how upset she is that the teacher left him outside....at that point, after the second call to discuss what they've already discussed, I finally said, we are on vacation thousand of miles away, what in the world could you possibly do at this point anyway (he had already called the school, and left a message for the principal, he had already spoken with Sam, and the Ex (twice)....So, I just very calmly told him that all they are doing is getting him upset now, and there is nothing else that he can do. He understood, and agreed with me on all counts. The key is to communicate your feelings...don't go ballistic, just speak calmly...and work together to figure out a good way to eliminate the amounts of conversations. Good luck, don't throw in the towel just yet. I will say this though, you need to except certain things, but if you don't think you can (which that is still your choice) then you need to cut ties now. I am so emotionally invested at this point, and his son loves me, and I love him too. But I know that I am in it for the long haul.

[sportygirl89]

Just don't do it. My ex was divorced for four months before we dated. He was my first real relationship. I fell in love with him. He moved here then transferred schools to be here with me. A month later he broke up with me. They are not emotionally stable.