Boyfriend is bad news?

[aurorest]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have so much fun, we go out, the sex is great , and I'm helping him with a business he's trying to start (he doesn't have another job). I always go over to his place since he lives alone, and we spend almost every day with each other. We hang out with his friends and go out drinking and stuff. I am pretty head over heels for him.

 

He's attractive (the life of the party type) and witty and charming and likes flirting, so a while ago I had a gut feeling that he might be talking up other girls so I checked his email account. He was in communication with different women including an ex from out of state. I got pissed off at him and he said it didn't mean anything, they were still in touch as friends. He offered to stop talking to her. Since then I've been hyper aware when he looks at or talks to other women when we're out in public.

 

The other day one of his close buddies told me he actually slept with multiple women (womEn plural!) early on in our relationship. The friend is not sure if that's happening right now and I have stuff at my boyfriend's place so he'd have to hide everything if he ever had a woman over. But his friend seemed to be hinting that my bf has had a reputation for hooking up with many women and some at the same time. I don't know...Does it mean something when his own friends don't really approve of his habits? Should I trust my bf? My bf is also almost always on his cell phone and even takes it to the bathroom with him sometimes.

 

I guess I don't know what to think. He likes making sexual jokes and has told me about some of his past "sexual conquests." He also has read books about how humans are not naturally monogamous. But I mean, we spend so much time together--and he's stopped watching porn since we've been together. And he's so busy with his new business...I'd like to believe that even though he has a history of sleazy/promiscuous habits, if he really liked me, he could change...right? What is everyone's opinion on this?

 

For reference he's 30 and I'm 24.

[Cinnimon]

I'd be curious to know why your BF's friend is now revealing all of this to you. What instigated this conversation ?

[ExpatInItaly]

In what context did his friend tell you this? How did this conversation come up?

 

Yes. people can change. Sleeping with a lot of people in the past doesn't necessarily mean that continued once they began a relationship. But the fact that his friend put this bug in your ear is concerning. How soon into your relationship does this friend claim it was happening? And what was the nature of the emails you found before? I think you need to sit quiet and go into observation mode for a bit. Keep an eye on his habits. He might not be doing anything wrong but I do think you should stay aware and see if anything else comes up that doesn't seem right.

[wizer]

What motives would his friend have to lie about your boyfriend cheating on you with multiple women early in your relationship?

 

If he has no motivation other than to try to alert you, then you can probably take his words at face value.

 

A tiger doesn't change its stripes. If he cheated on you before, he'll do it again.

[aurorest]

I'd be curious to know why your BF's friend is now revealing all of this to you. What instigated this conversation ?

 

We were all drinking and I'd been sitting on this gut feeling for a while so when my bf stepped away, I asked his closest friend what he thought about my bf and our relationship. One other thing is I asked if he thought we were serious, and he paused and asked me to define "serious."

 

I now I should've asked my bf all this but I was curious to hear how his friends thought about him and his integrity. Sometimes it feels like my bf has an emotional wall up if we get into heavier topics. He's still very affectionate otherwise, verbally and physically, but all this communication with other women and previously sleeping with other while we were together... If I hadn't known, I would have no idea besides this gut feeling.

 

In what context did his friend tell you this? How did this conversation come up?

 

Yes. people can change. Sleeping with a lot of people in the past doesn't necessarily mean that continued once they began a relationship. But the fact that his friend put this bug in your ear is concerning. How soon into your relationship does this friend claim it was happening? And what was the nature of the emails you found before? I think you need to sit quiet and go into observation mode for a bit. Keep an eye on his habits. He might not be doing anything wrong but I do think you should stay aware and see if anything else comes up that doesn't seem right.

 

I know it's not a huge issue with a past history of sleeping around but it sounded like he has a past history of leading women on or cheating or using the "we're not technically official yet" loophole to sleep with multiple women. The emails I found were some girls saying it was nice to meet him. The ex was chatting I guess but the tone was flirty (or witty?) between them. He had some texts where it's clear that girls are crushing on him and he just jokes around with them. You know how you can usually tell by the tone in which girls text if they like a guy or not.

 

I mean if a guy really is into you, would he still sleep with MULTIPLE women while seeing you?

Edited April 29, 2015 by aurorest

[smackie9]

Ok so with this info that was revealed to you by said friend, why have you not confronted your BF about it?

 

And if your BF is having inappropriate conversations with other women, then how can you say he is in this for the long haul with you?

 

You need to gather everything up and have a conversation with him. If he starts twisting in the wind, then you need to get out of this relationship and run.

[Purepony]

to the point!

Get out if this relationship. This guys no good and you know it. That's why your here asking for a second opinion.

[aurorest]

Ok so with this info that was revealed to you by said friend, why have you not confronted your BF about it?

 

And if your BF is having inappropriate conversations with other women, then how can you say he is in this for the long haul with you?

 

You need to gather everything up and have a conversation with him. If he starts twisting in the wind, then you need to get out of this relationship and run.

 

The thing is I'm not sure if these conversations are inappropriate. He's never made sexual advances at these girls. He's just flirting or joking around with them.

 

I did (angrily) confront him and ask why the f*** he was talking with his ex. He didn't apologize but said he'd stop if I wanted him to.

 

When I asked if we were in a relationship, he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. So yes, we were in a relationship. I don't know the timeline of his sleeping with other women.

 

I just feel like I don't have super substantial evidence of outright cheating. Just a gut feeling and what I've heard from his close friend. Is my bf's behavior that of a typical attractive 30-year-old guy in a relationship? Is he just using me for sex and help with his business? We spend so much time together it's hard to imagine how he can have the time to put in the effort to cheat.

 

to the point!

Get out if this relationship. This guys no good and you know it. That's why your here asking for a second opinion.

 

I guess I just like him sooo much. Is there no possibility he's changed his ways since we've gotten more "serious" this past month? I met him last year at a bar, we were in a relationship this past winter, and have been spending more time together since he started his new business.

[Buddhist]

Takes his phone to the bathroom? Seriously and you are confused about this. Sometimes guys will warn women off each other because they know their friend is a douche bag in this arena. I would trust the friend if I were you.

[mammasita]

He'd stop if you wanted him to?

 

Come on. That's a crock of ****.

 

IMO he's a total player

[lana-banana]

You've been together nearly a year and his friends don't think it's a serious relationship? That's not just a red flag, that's a deal-breaker (unless you're okay with this being a casual FWB-type situation). If his friends don't think it's serious it's because he's convinced them it isn't. I would not bother trying to talk it out. Pack your things and move on---as far away as possible.

[katiegrl]

What motives would his friend have to lie about your boyfriend cheating on you with multiple women early in your relationship?

 

If he has no motivation other than to try to alert you, then you can probably take his words at face value.

 

A tiger doesn't change its stripes. If he cheated on you before, he'll do it again.

 

 

He wants her to ditch the boyfriend and go out with him....

 

 

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

[katiegrl]

Takes his phone to the bathroom? Seriously and you are confused about this. Sometimes guys will warn women off each other because they know their friend is a douche bag in this arena. I would trust the friend if I were you.

 

Sometimes guys take their phones to the bathroom to jerk off to porn..

 

 

Just sayin...

[preraph]

I mean if a guy really is into you, would he still sleep with MULTIPLE women while seeing you?

 

I'll try to give you some perspective here. Most women at least think that what they want is one man to be with forever. That's their ideal, the fairytale. For many men, the ideal is to have not only a loyal spouse type woman but to have other women as well, for variety. And your guy has already told you what type he is. His "happily ever after" is probably to have you at home and sleep with other women as much as possible without rocking the boat.

 

What he's possibly really into is having multiple women. Can he love you? A person who loves another person, the very last thing they want to do is hurt that person. But many people put their own desires ahead of any responsbility to other people. In my opinion, that is not love.

[aurorest]

He'd stop if you wanted him to?

 

Come on. That's a crock of ****.

 

IMO he's a total player

 

Is that kind of a response a red flag?

 

You've been together nearly a year and his friends don't think it's a serious relationship? That's not just a red flag, that's a deal-breaker (unless you're okay with this being a casual FWB-type situation). If his friends don't think it's serious it's because he's convinced them it isn't. I would not bother trying to talk it out. Pack your things and move on---as far away as possible.

 

I guess they're not sure. There are conflicting factors because since he can get women easily why is he putting up with me seeing him almost every day and spending nights and weekends? It must mean he likes me, right?

 

Takes his phone to the bathroom? Seriously and you are confused about this.

 

Well, I've arrived at his place when he was alone showering and his phone was in the bathroom with him so I can assume it's a habit because he does it even when I'm not there. He sometimes texts me from the toilet when I'm just in the other room.

 

He wants her to ditch the boyfriend and go out with him....

 

 

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

 

THAT'S something that I never even considered...

 

Sometimes guys take their phones to the bathroom to jerk off to porn..

 

 

Just sayin...

 

Hahaha. He shared his porn site account with me so I know he hasn't signed on for the past few months we've been together. So I assumed he was satisfied with me.

 

I'll try to give you some perspective here. Most women at least think that what they want is one man to be with forever. That's their ideal, the fairytale. For many men, the ideal is to have not only a loyal spouse type woman but to have other women as well, for variety. And your guy has already told you what type he is. His "happily ever after" is probably to have you at home and sleep with other women as much as possible without rocking the boat.

 

What he's possibly really into is having multiple women. Can he love you? A person who loves another person, the very last thing they want to do is hurt that person. But many people put their own desires ahead of any responsbility to other people. In my opinion, that is not love.

 

That makes sense but makes me very uncomfortable. You say many men are like this?

 

I think the common opinion is that he's a jerk. I just wonder how on earth he has time to cheat when we're spending almost every day with each other???

[ExpatInItaly]

Is that kind of a response a red flag?

 

 

 

I guess they're not sure. There are conflicting factors because since he can get women easily why is he putting up with me seeing him almost every day and spending nights and weekends? It must mean he likes me, right?

 

 

 

Well, I've arrived at his place when he was alone showering and his phone was in the bathroom with him so I can assume it's a habit because he does it even when I'm not there. He sometimes texts me from the toilet when I'm just in the other room.

 

 

 

THAT'S something that I never even considered...

 

 

 

Hahaha. He shared his porn site account with me so I know he hasn't signed on for the past few months we've been together. So I assumed he was satisfied with me.

 

 

 

That makes sense but makes me very uncomfortable. You say many men are like this?

 

I think the common opinion is that he's a jerk. I just wonder how on earth he has time to cheat when we're spending almost every day with each other???

 

Cheaters find time in ways you couldn't imagine. There are a lot of red flags here, but I think you are trying to convince yourself that he likes you and wouldn't do that to you.

 

I'm not sure if his friend would have a reason to be less than honest with you. But if his friends don't see you guys as serious, you need to consider why they have that impression. What do your friends think about the nature of your relationship? I imagine they believe it is serious, no?

[bolase]

To me OP, if you don't have really strong reasons to think he is cheating, don't make a big deal out of his contact with other women because you will end up imagining the worst. Lots of men continue to flirt or chat with women while they have girlfriends or partners, they just like the mild attention; it doesn't mean anything more is going on and I think you need to be a bit tougher because there will always be women who either admire or actively go after your man, throughout your life, even in your 40s and 50s, as far as I am told...

 

Instead, what you need to consider is how you feel in this relationship. In general, does your boyfriend make you feel loved and adored every day? Does he appreciate all the help you give him with his business, would he do the same for you if the roles were reversed, and does he help you with things in your daily life? Does he respect you when you disagree, is he a good communicator?

 

These are the things that make a serious relationship. The fact that your mutual friend suggested your relationship is not all that serious, probably reflects on how your boyfriend has painted the relationship at its fundamental level (see qns above), not his contact with other girls.

[hunk]

I have been this guy and been in this exact relationship and i'm telling you right now he's 100% interested in other girls and has/is most likely sleeping with others. His behavior as you're describing it mimicks mine to a tee, you might aswell have been describing me a while ago. Trust your gut because it's right here. The guy who told you he wasn't serious about you has zero reason or motive to lie to you. If after a year you don't know how he feels about you, he's using you and isn't serious. This relationship is not the one you think it is, you're not gonna "change" him and this behavior won't stop. If he's not serious about you now, he never was and he never will be unless you do something about it (i.e., confront him and tell him you need commitment or you're done). Even then he's just gonna lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. Sorry, there is no changing guys like this until you walk and they realize what they've lost and the damage they've caused, but by then it's too late. He (and i suppose myself:mad:) will always be looking for the next piece of ass that interests him.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Yah... he sounds like a player. To me the biggest red flag is not what his friend said (who could have ulterior motives) but the fact that when you asked if you were in a relationship, his response was, "I'm not sleeping with other people."

 

I interpret that as a classic way to avoid the conversation and avoid any actual labels. What he could have meant was, I'm not sleeping with other people... this week... but it doesnt mean I wouldnt consider it next week. I'd ask him again where he sees it going with you guys. My bet is he will dodge providing any explicit answers/ commitment.

 

I think he has been sleeping with others but may not evwn view it as "cheating" if he never explictly told you you were together. i have been with guys like that ans have also been on the other side of the fence, wanting to keep someone around but not ready yet to commit. Based on your desription of the relationship its clear to me whats happening here.

 

And to answer your quesion of does he like you, would he cheat if he does, and when. I think its clear he likes you, but not as much/ in the same way you like him. many men and women would cheat regardless. Since hes unemployed he should have plenty of time to make it happen, but even if he had a demanding job... cheating is as old as the human race. People have been finding ways to do it for millenia.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Id also add that you are most likely triggerng his poor behaivior by being too convenient for him. I think player types can commit, but only to women they hold in extremely high regard and usually not for long. if you are spending every day together, always going over to his place, helping him out with his business, and making few demands to clarify the relationship, its likely he views you as too easy to deserve his commitment.

 

I know thats harsh, but thats why I recommend staying away from guys like that.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Should I trust my bf? My bf is also almost always on his cell phone and even takes it to the bathroom with him sometimes.

 

--and he's stopped watching porn since we've been together..I'd like to believe that even though he has a history of sleazy/promiscuous habits, if he really liked me, he could change...right? .

 

If he's taking his cell phone with him in the bathroom, he has NOT stopped watching porn - he's still viewing it, and is probably sexting other women with it while he's in the bathroom as well. If you guys are constantly 'together', then the bathroom is the ONLY place that he has the privacy to indulge in his sleazy habits without YOU getting mad at him or interfering with it.

 

The fact that his buddy told you that your bf has cheated on you earlier in your relationship coupled with your bf having told you that he has read books about humans 'not being naturally monogamous' and has told you about his sexual exploits um, does NOT bode well for the current or future status of your relationship with this guy. He sounds like he has a porn/sex addiction or he's just a player/cheater who wouldn't know what the meaning of monogamy and respecting your partner was if it punched him in the face. If I were you, I'd sit down with him and confront him head-on by asking him pointblank if he has EVER cheated on you at ANY time during your relationship, and watch what his reaction is to your question - watch his facial expression(s), his body language as well as what he says or DOESN'T say in response to what you asked him. THAT will tell you all you need to know as to whether you should dump him or stay with someone like that.

 

And um, it's naive of you to think that if he "really likes you, he could change"...first of all, he could like you a LOT and still NOT want to change his sleazy ways. A person has to want to change because THEY want to and because they KNOW that they NEED to change for the better - NOT because they really like someone or because they're aware that this someone wants them to change.

 

 

.

[stillafool]

The only way to handle players is to not be jealous of what they're doing and keep dating other guys. Now that he knows you are jealous, checking with his friend about your relationship (I'm sure he told him you asked), fallen in love with him you look less appealing. Back off and let him chase you if he wants you.

[hunk]

But as soon as he "gets" her he's just gonna go back to his ways because he doesn't fundamentally care. It's just a power game at that point. There's literally no way of changing people like this they have to change themselves, at the expense of much female misery

[Kitsune9]

OP, this story resonates a lot with me. I have been in a similar scenario except I was the "other woman", I guess(long story).

 

I was very casually seeing a guy for 6+ months and in this time he found himself a girlfriend but didn't have the nerve/balls to end it with me. It only ended when I figured out that the other woman was not another fling but actually a "serious" relationship. He most definitely did not have any intention of ending it with me but I could not continue morally.

 

It has been almost a year since then and he is still with said girl but I can assure you that he would hook up with me again in a heartbeat. We share a social circle and there have been a couple times that he has tried to restart what we had.

 

As far as what your boyfriend's friend said I think he's telling the truth and warning you. I know in my case a few of the guys's friends knew he was cheating on the gf and a few of them even met me. But due to bro code none of them tattled(as far as I know).

 

OP your gut is obviously telling you something and I think you should listen!

 

P.S. This guy was also very busy and hung out with the gf a lot but still found time to cheat.

[katiegrl]

You know I just read your original post again, and the things your boyfriend's *friend* told you, and all I have to say is ....... that is some friend!!!!: :eek:

 

Isn't there some sort of "guy code" that states you don't betray, throw under the bus, and totally sabotage your friends the way your boyfriend's so-called friend just did?

 

***Sounds like he is a better friend to YOU than he is or ever was to your boyfriend!!!***

 

Which brings me to my next point, why would he tell you all this? As another poster asked earlier, what motive would he have?

 

I mean, would not a good friend encourage his friend to tell you himself???? Instead of throwing his friend under the bus, sabotage and risk losing the friendship the way he did?

 

I mean, if you confront your boyfriend with all this (which is what this "friend" is most likely expecting you to do), that's the END of their friendship right there, as I can't imagine your boyfriend wanting to stay friends with someone who betrayed him the way he did.

 

So again why? Even if you "did" confront, do you REALLY believe your boyfriend is gonna own up to all this, and admit it?

 

No! He's gonna tell you his friend told you all this because he is jealous of his relationship with you, that he has always had a thing for you, and would love nothing more than if you guys broke up, so HE could go out with you himself!

 

Which is what I alluded to earlier, as sort of a joke, but after reading your original post again, now I am convinced!

 

Friends DO NOT betray each other like that!!!

 

So that said, what evidence do YOU have that he cheated, or is currently cheating? Taking his phone to the bathroom isn't enough because as I said before many guys take their phones to the bathroom to jerk off to porn.

 

So what else? Being outgoing and gregarious and talking to girls at parties isn't enough as that's his nature - my boyfriend is the exact same and doesn't cheat.

 

Your boyfriend spends all his free time with you, is good to you, you have a ball together, and great sex.

 

I'm not getting it, something sounds very off to me. I know I am going against popular opinion here, but I really do think your boyfriend's so-called *friend* had an ulterior motive for telling you... to stir up drama between you and your boyfriend, so you would eventually break up, so the door could be open for HIM to pursue you.

 

Unless you have evidence YOURSELF that your boyfriend is cheating, take what this friend told you with a grain of salt.

 

But keep your eyes open and pay attention for any red flags YOU see.

 

That is what I would do anyway.

 

Like I said, good friends don't do things like this to each other, without having an ulterior motive.

 

Instead, they encourage them to do the right thing...and come clean themselves.

 

JMO guys!!!!

Edited April 30, 2015 by katiegrl