Is there a point when I should stop asking her out, even if her answer is always yes?

[Ulrich714]

I have been seeing a girl for about a month. In brief:

 

We have known each other for about 7 years, worked together long ago, have been Facebook friends since. Traded comments and such on there, but I hadn't seen her in person until recently. I broke up with my long time gf in February, and thus started looking elsewhere.

 

She holds a high profile executive position for a political party in our county. She's quite busy going to meetings, fundraisers, etc. She hosted a fundraiser in late February that I asked if I could attend. She was quite surprised and excited for me to go, and when I arrived, she walked across a crowded room to speak to me. She invited me (and others) over to her place the next night, but cancelled (on everyone) at the last minute. I noticed I was the only person she asked who wasn't one of her usual friends.

 

About two weeks later, she asked if I wanted to attend their big fundraising dinner/weekend, comping me a $100+ ticket. She has HUNDREDS of people she could give it to, but chose me. At that point, I asked her out, and she accepted. We went out for dinner and talked for three hours about various things. No romance, it was more of a catching up. We made plans to hang out again, but due to her work, it didn't happen for another two weeks.

 

We went out for drinks and dinner (more of a date this time) and made out in the parking lot afterward. She is naturally kind of reserved and awkward, but was quite touchy feely when we kissed. A few days pass with casual talk via text, and I ask her to hang out again. She accepts.

 

Sensing a theme here?

 

We go to a baseball game last Tuesday and essentially act like a couple, holding hands, kissing, walking around the stadium. I drive her home and we make out in the car for several minutes, and again, she's VERY touchy feely, but doesn't ask me to come inside. I suggest going to see a movie the next time we hang out, and she says that would be great.

 

Her birthday was this past Saturday. She had made plans with friends long before we started hanging out, so I'm not a part of that. The baseball date was kind of her birthday celebration with me. I posted on her Facebook a funny happy birthday message which she replied to, and also texted her happy birthday ON her actual birthday, and she DIDN'T reply to that.

 

At this point, and here's where the topic title comes in, I feel like I'm imposing myself on her. She always answers yes when I ask her out, and when we go out it's a date, but at the same time SHE isn't making and overtures toward me. She isn't asking to hang out, she isn't saying she misses me, etc.

 

At the baseball game I told her I liked her and she said she liked me, but there is a timid awkwardness about her that I wish she would shed. She hasn't been resistant to me physically when we are together (no pushing away or resistant to hold hands, etc) but I just can't get a read on this girl.

 

At this point, I'm wanting to step back and see if SHE makes an effort to ask to hang out next. But at the same time, is she someone who wants to be courted? Is her job consuming her time and maybe me asking her is a "Sigh, let me see if I can fit him in" kind of moment? I don't know. The friends I have talked to have said I need to make her want me, but I also don't want to play games. But is that what I need to do?

[umirano]

She's kinda lukewarm, eh? I agree, at some point this reservation translates into a lack of interest, or just as bad, into her not being able to communicate her feelings properly.

 

Have you considered asking her straight up how she feels about the two of you?

[Redhead14]

I have been seeing a girl for about a month. In brief:

 

We have known each other for about 7 years, worked together long ago, have been Facebook friends since. Traded comments and such on there, but I hadn't seen her in person until recently. I broke up with my long time gf in February, and thus started looking elsewhere.

 

She holds a high profile executive position for a political party in our county. She's quite busy going to meetings, fundraisers, etc. She hosted a fundraiser in late February that I asked if I could attend. She was quite surprised and excited for me to go, and when I arrived, she walked across a crowded room to speak to me. She invited me (and others) over to her place the next night, but cancelled (on everyone) at the last minute. I noticed I was the only person she asked who wasn't one of her usual friends.

 

About two weeks later, she asked if I wanted to attend their big fundraising dinner/weekend, comping me a $100+ ticket. She has HUNDREDS of people she could give it to, but chose me. At that point, I asked her out, and she accepted. We went out for dinner and talked for three hours about various things. No romance, it was more of a catching up. We made plans to hang out again, but due to her work, it didn't happen for another two weeks.

 

We went out for drinks and dinner (more of a date this time) and made out in the parking lot afterward. She is naturally kind of reserved and awkward, but was quite touchy feely when we kissed. A few days pass with casual talk via text, and I ask her to hang out again. She accepts.

 

Sensing a theme here?

 

We go to a baseball game last Tuesday and essentially act like a couple, holding hands, kissing, walking around the stadium. I drive her home and we make out in the car for several minutes, and again, she's VERY touchy feely, but doesn't ask me to come inside. I suggest going to see a movie the next time we hang out, and she says that would be great.

 

Her birthday was this past Saturday. She had made plans with friends long before we started hanging out, so I'm not a part of that. The baseball date was kind of her birthday celebration with me. I posted on her Facebook a funny happy birthday message which she replied to, and also texted her happy birthday ON her actual birthday, and she DIDN'T reply to that.

 

At this point, and here's where the topic title comes in, I feel like I'm imposing myself on her. She always answers yes when I ask her out, and when we go out it's a date, but at the same time SHE isn't making and overtures toward me. She isn't asking to hang out, she isn't saying she misses me, etc.

 

At the baseball game I told her I liked her and she said she liked me, but there is a timid awkwardness about her that I wish she would shed. She hasn't been resistant to me physically when we are together (no pushing away or resistant to hold hands, etc) but I just can't get a read on this girl.

 

At this point, I'm wanting to step back and see if SHE makes an effort to ask to hang out next. But at the same time, is she someone who wants to be courted? Is her job consuming her time and maybe me asking her is a "Sigh, let me see if I can fit him in" kind of moment? I don't know. The friends I have talked to have said I need to make her want me, but I also don't want to play games. But is that what I need to do?

 

I understand how you may be feeling that you're doing all the work. But, generally, it's not about you doing all the work because she is doing "her job" by being receptive. It's balanced. You're asking, she's accepting.

 

A woman can and should start doing more initiating as the relationship develops. She may not be feeling like she should do that yet. (Although I'd tell her to). For now, I'd just keep asking her maybe once a week. If she wants more, hopefully, she'll start suggesting other days for getting together.

[Ulrich714]

At the baseball game, I told her that I liked her, and she said, exact quote, "I like you too. I'm just not very good at seeing guys, sorry." She said it like she doesn't know how to handle it - not that she didn't care about me. We spent another 3 hours or so at the game (and in the car) being romantic, so it wasn't like that was her sign off phrase.

 

As long as I've known her, she has been kind of a reserved type. Think Ron Swanson on "Parks and Recreation."

 

I want to ask her where it is all going, but I don't want her to react in a "whoa whoa....slow it down!" way either.

 

Basically, I would like to see more of an effort from her toward whatever it is we have/are doing. She's interested in me, has shown that WHEN we hang out, but when we aren't hanging out, it's like I'm not even on her radar. I know she is busy - I saw her calendar on her phone when she pulled it up one night and it was full of all kinds of appointments and meetings in many different calendar colors. That's fine. But I'm not getting much reassurance from her that I and we are of importance. I know I should give it time, but well, I'm an impatient person, ha.

 

I feel like when I ask her to hang out, it's more like I'm bugging her than flattering her. But she has told me several times that isn't the case. I want our dates to be a way for her to relax and unwind and let loose - not another appointment on her calendar.

[Ulrich714]

She also told me that it's intimidating to hang out with me because she finds me incredibly intelligent. Flattering I suppose, but it was a strange thing to say because SHE is quite smart as well - I wouldn't be interested in her if she was an LOL type of girl.

 

She then said "I think you are too smart for me" and said something about doing "dumb things" in her past. As if I haven't. I told her I didn't care about her past, and she seemed to be relieved. I don't want to frame this conversation around her feeling awkward around me, but at the same time, she has said stuff like that. And I find it weird. I don't think she feels comfortable, and I'm worried she'll end up abandoning things rather than try to push through them.

[DivorcedDad123]

You've only been seeing her for a month,so I don't see a problem.There's no doubt she's into you. She just has alot on her plate. It's pretty normal for a month long relationship. She has her life and you have yours still. You aren't "a couple" yet.

You need to just slow down. Keep asking her out and let her feel it at her own pace. I gotta feeling that if you play this right, she's going to be well worth it.

[Redhead14]

She also told me that it's intimidating to hang out with me because she finds me incredibly intelligent. Flattering I suppose, but it was a strange thing to say because SHE is quite smart as well - I wouldn't be interested in her if she was an LOL type of girl.

 

She then said "I think you are too smart for me" and said something about doing "dumb things" in her past. As if I haven't. I told her I didn't care about her past, and she seemed to be relieved. I don't want to frame this conversation around her feeling awkward around me, but at the same time, she has said stuff like that. And I find it weird. I don't think she feels comfortable, and I'm worried she'll end up abandoning things rather than try to push through them.

 

Have you two ever had a conversation about what each of you is looking for for yourselves out of your dating journey, in general? There wouldn't be anything wrong with opening a very casual conversation and simply make a statement as to what you are looking for yourself. Don't be specific about her though. Say something like, "I've been enjoying the time we spend together (and list a couple of things you like about her), I am hoping to have a long term committed relationship with someone down the road." And then, let her talk. That is non-pressuring and makes it so that you two know whether or not you are on the same page in the long run at least. And, see where the conversation goes from there.

[Ulrich714]

When we went out to dinner and made out in the parking lot, I told her I wasn't trying to rush into anything or put a label on what we were doing, but I enjoyed spending time with her. She replied that she enjoyed spending time with me, too. She also said that she hoped that I wasn't supporting her politically just to get close to her (she repeated this on our next date) and I told her she could work in a thrift store and I would still like her. She said I could flip burgers for a living and she would like me, too. I feel like I say something, and she gives kind of a reserved response. I'll say "I really enjoy spending time with you and find you to be incredible" and she'll say "Thanks. Me too." and that's it.

 

I have been hesitant to try and define it as a relationship or heading that way, as I'm not sure what she wants. She isn't the type to put it on Facebook or take photos together and what not. Again, timid and awkward. It's hard to get a read on her.

[pteromom]

It sounds good to me - trust what she is saying to you until you have a reason not to.

 

A lot of women are trained to be the accepters, not the initiators.

[preraph]

Not every woman is all sophomoric and cutesy and all "I miss you" and hearts and hug symbols. She's a woman, not a girl. A sophisticated woman. She doesn't miss you. She's busy. She's not lovesick when you're not around because she's a grown*ss woman, not a teenager. Once you're married and you have to go to Europe on business for a month, THEN she'll tell you she misses you. And a whole lot of women just don't ask guys out, period. So wait if you want, but it's not like she hasn't done nice things for you already, like given you that invitation. If you want her to take turns planning a date, then tell her you'd like that and see if she'd like that or would rather not.

[Ulrich714]

I suppose you are correct. My last long term gf was a needy type and I am used to someone constantly telling me she misses me. I'm NOT trying to bring that baggage into this new girl, I'm just saying I'm used to the girl expressing that she wants to see me without being prompted.

 

I'll add that she also seems to leave a lot of the planning and decision making up to me. "I'm up for whatever" is a common response I hear from her. When we went to the baseball game, I asked if she wanted food, and she asked ME what we should get. When we bought the damn hot dog, she asked ME what condiments to put on it ("do you like mustard? Me too") It's like she defers to me most of the time. I have no problem deciding or suggesting, but again, it makes me wonder how much she thinks of me, and us.

[pteromom]

I'll add that she also seems to leave a lot of the planning and decision making up to me. "I'm up for whatever" is a common response I hear from her. When we went to the baseball game, I asked if she wanted food, and she asked ME what we should get. When we bought the damn hot dog, she asked ME what condiments to put on it ("do you like mustard? Me too") It's like she defers to me most of the time. I have no problem deciding or suggesting, but again, it makes me wonder how much she thinks of me, and us.

 

Some people are followers, not leaders. It could be she needs you to take the lead, and it is up to you whether you feel comfortable in that role or not.

 

It is strange that she asked what condiments to put on her hot dog, but maybe she wanted to know what you like to try it "your way", or maybe she was just looking for that light connection.

 

Or maybe she is very insecure and is scared of judgment (If I put ketchup on my hot dog, he won't like me!) You'll know in time if that is the case though... as you get more comfortable together, she should be more able to speak up for herself.

 

The only thing that gives me pause is her comment about not being good at seeing guys. I would definitely bring that up and ask more about exactly what that means.

[smackie9]

You have only been on a couple of dates and already you are expecting her to act like you are in a relationship. She may not feel as attracted to you as you are to her....meaning you both are not on the same page. Either you relax and go with the flow and let things happen as they come or you chalk it up as not fulfilling your expectations and move on.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I'll add that she also seems to leave a lot of the planning and decision making up to me. "I'm up for whatever" is a common response I hear from her.

 

I had to butt in here (usually lurking) because I actually feel like I have a perspective to add that you haven't considered. You said that she had a high powered, executive type job. It's likely then that she spends all day making decisions and taking the lead on things, so it's possible that in her personal life she would rather just sit back and be led as it would be a nice change of pace.

 

That may sound odd, I mean it's not like deciding what to have on a hot dog is a particular stressful or difficult choice, but perhaps when she is with you she just doesn't want to fall into her usual (work) role of 'decision maker'. I would actually take it as a good sign, it shows a degree of trust in you, it shows that she is confident you can take the lead and still end up doing something you both enjoy.

 

You've already admitted that you are comparing her to your ex in terms of communication styles and how you were showed affection, but this is an entirely different person with a different way of doing things. If your needs aren't being met, that's one thing, but after only a month of dating I think you're still getting used to her ways and you need to relax. There is nothing here to me that says she doesn't like you, it all seems rather positive to me!

[Gary S]

A few points:

 

- It's awesome that you did not invite yourself into her place, what a gentleman! A lot of guys would have tried to weasel their way in by saying they had to pee

 

- Some people are married to their jobs. If you can't see a woman at least once a week, you two might loose momentum, and interest could wane. Perhaps this is why she is single?

 

- As long as she is accepting your dates with not too much prompting, it's okay! She does not have to ask you out. Look at the bright side - you get to see her at your convenience.

 

- stay away from groups dates/parties for the first few months if you can.

 

- You don't have a relationship for at least two months.

[Ulrich714]

Part of it is MY feelings - I don't want to truly start to develop feelings for her (or anyone else) when there is ambiguity. I do like her, and yeah, it does feel nice to have that reciprocation when we hang out, but I feel like there is a fine line before it may seem annoying for me to contact her. She really hasn't asked how I am doing, how my day has been, etc. It's not that she doesn't care - she says those things in person, but she is quite reserved.

[losangelena]

OP, it sounds generally to me as if you're interpreting her actions in a very personal manner, instead of first assuming that that's just how she is. She's continuing to go out with you—why are you thinking of jettisoning that? I highly doubt that someone of her professional stature, with so much responsibility, would devote time to dating someone she really doesn't want to date.

 

I told her I wasn't trying to rush into anything or put a label on what we were doing, but I enjoyed spending time with her. She replied that she enjoyed spending time with me, too.

 

You want to know what she's thinking, and yet you're being a little vague as well. Sure, I get that you don't want to scare her away by getting too serious too soon, but if you wanted clarification from her, this was probably not the way to do it.

 

She also said that she hoped that I wasn't supporting her politically just to get close to her (she repeated this on our next date) and I told her she could work in a thrift store and I would still like her.

 

I can understand her concerns. If she's as high-powered as she seems, she probably has to deal with people getting close to her with ulterior motives all the time.

 

I feel like I say something, and she gives kind of a reserved response. I'll say "I really enjoy spending time with you and find you to be incredible" and she'll say "Thanks. Me too." and that's it.

 

Maybe she's just reserved.

 

I have been hesitant to try and define it as a relationship or heading that way, as I'm not sure what she wants. She isn't the type to put it on Facebook or take photos together and what not. Again, timid and awkward. It's hard to get a read on her.

 

Well, you could always ask her outright. I wouldn't take her not reaching out as a bad sign—many women don't at first. If it's important to you that the woman you're with does reach out or plan things occasionally, I would just tell her that.

[Gary S]

Part of it is MY feelings - I don't want to truly start to develop feelings for her (or anyone else) when there is ambiguity. I do like her, and yeah, it does feel nice to have that reciprocation when we hang out, but I feel like there is a fine line before it may seem annoying for me to contact her. She really hasn't asked how I am doing, how my day has been, etc. It's not that she doesn't care - she says those things in person, but she is quite reserved.

 

- Just keep asking her out on dates for two months... if she's falling for you, you'll know.

[elaine567]

Her schedule is completely full, yet when you ask her out she says yes and fits you in.

And you are worried?

 

She is a busy girl, it wouldn't take a great deal for her to say she is just too busy if she wasn't interested in you.

[ManyDissapoint]

Is "putting condiments on the hotdog" a new euphemism?

[Ulrich714]

Her schedule is completely full, yet when you ask her out she says yes and fits you in.

And you are worried?

 

She is a busy girl, it wouldn't take a great deal for her to say she is just too busy if she wasn't interested in you.

 

This is what I try to keep telling myself - she can flat out tell me no, she can NOT kiss me, she can tell me she isn't interested. She isn't doing any of that.

 

She has had to reschedule a couple of times.....she asked me if we could wait a week before hanging out a second time as she was stressed from work, and then before we went to the baseball game she said "I can hang out Tuesday...sigh...I just wish I had a day where I could just come home and do nothing." THAT is what makes me hesitant to ask her....like I'm piling on her already crowded schedule.

[elaine567]

This is what I try to keep telling myself - she can flat out tell me no, she can NOT kiss me, she can tell me she isn't interested. She isn't doing any of that.

 

She has had to reschedule a couple of times.....she asked me if we could wait a week before hanging out a second time as she was stressed from work, and then before we went to the baseball game she said "I can hang out Tuesday...sigh...I just wish I had a day where I could just come home and do nothing." THAT is what makes me hesitant to ask her....like I'm piling on her already crowded schedule.

She will tell you to stop if she feels you are putting her under pressure. That may have been a hint for you to perhaps invite her to chill out at yours, you can cook and she can do nothing for a while.

[Ulrich714]

I texted her a bit ago and simply asked how her birthday went. She replied quickly and apologized for not responding to my Happy Birthday text on Saturday and said "it was good!" I responded that I was glad to hear it. Short and sweet.

 

I'll ask her to a movie later, since that seems to be the consensus on here - that she's waiting for me to ask her out. And I'm fine doing it as long as she's truly interested and not feeling like I'm imposing myself on her.

[Ulrich714]

Well, I texted her about an hour after my last post here, saying "My movie invitation is still open, by the way. I would like to see you again."

 

She has not responded, it has been nearly 24 hours.

 

I started this thread because I couldn't get a good read on her (despite the positives when we DO go out) and I sensed something was a bit off, even though she didn't come out and say anything. Right now is her busiest time of the year as that $100 a plate fundraiser is a week away and I know she's immersed in that. And that's fine.....all she has to do is TELL ME that. Her silence makes me think something deeper is happening.

 

I feel like leaving her alone, but I also am no fan of ambiguity, so I sent her a message on Facebook asking simply "How are you doing?" which allows for several kinds of responses.

 

I feel like I shouldn't be reading too much into this silent patch, as it's not like she has been the most talkative person, but after having such a good night last Tuesday at the baseball game, I'm a bit surprised she is still acting distant and reserved, save for setting up the next date....which she doesn't seem to be doing now.

 

I'm wondering if something happened on her birthday with someone else.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Ulrich714

[preraph]

You're showing a lot of insecurity, needing a woman to give you constant reassurance. She makes time for you. Women won't be with you if they don't want to be with you. Women won't kiss you more than once if they don't want to kiss you. It sounds like you'd only be comfortable with a clingy teenager with no job and too much time on her hands. This adult woman isn't idealistic enough that she is going to pretend to be in love before she knows if she loves you. But she likes you or she wouldn't be bothering at all. Honestly, she sounds wonderful, successful and flexible, a rare combination.