27 and single again - Feeling lost

[orangetree]

Hi,

 

I'm single again and I feel a bit lost. I just got out of a relationship that lasted almost three years, with living together, plans to buy a house and getting married next year. After dating a couple of guys before, I thought I found the love of my life, from outside it looked like a perfect love story, but it turned out he lied to me, kept things from me and even possibly cheated, so I broke back. I have absolutely no intentions to go back.

 

But here I am now, wasted almost three years of my life, I'm 27 now and I always thought at this age I would either be married or at least have a boyfriend who'd propose soon. Now I have to begin from the start and I'm scared. Most people I know are in relationships or married, some with kids. I'm scared that now I will never find someone. That everyone in my target group (late 20ies til mid 30ies) is already taken or has 'baggage' (I don't want to date someone with kids). I want a family and a couple of kids and I'm scared if I don't find a man soon, I will die alone. At the same time, I would never settle for just any man of course. I rather die alone than being in the wrong relationship. Still, I'm scared. I'm not 23 anymore.

 

I don't really know what I want from this thread, maybe some encouragement or people who were single with 27 and are now happily married or so. Any input welcome.

 

Thanks!

[PearTree]

Did you really waste those three years? Or did you learn things that have changed your life for the better? Have you become wiser, better at looking after yourself and more emotionally resilient as a result?

[orangetree]

Did you really waste those three years? Or did you learn things that have changed your life for the better? Have you become wiser, better at looking after yourself and more emotionally resilient as a result?

 

 

For sure I learnt something in those three years, but maybe I would have learnt the same without him (life experience etc.).

[kayla73]

Don't feel so discouraged! You may not realize this, but you are very lucky. And, smart. You got out of a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Do you know how many people just end up settling because they are afraid to be alone?

 

You are still so so young. Use this time to focus on yourself. Find things to do that make you happy.

 

If this makes you feel any better, I had a good friend who was with this guy for almost 10 years. She had met him in college. They were never married, but lived together. He ended up cheating on her, but she told me they hadn't been happy for a good 2 years. She met a guy a few months after the breakup and was engaged to him after 6 months. She's such a different person; incredibly happy.

 

When you meet the one for you, age and past relationships aren't even going to matter!

[SawtoothMars]

I don't really know what I want from this thread, maybe some encouragement or people who were single with 27 and are now happily married or so. Any input welcome.Thanks!

 

You are not going to die alone... and you have plenty of time to fall in love!

 

I was divorced at 30 and am now happily married.

[SSM3]

Don't worry about your age, 27 is young.

 

Anyhow, people break up and start again throughout their lives.

 

Don't worry about the age thing, ok

[Buddhist]

Here's a couple of thoughts for you to have a mull over.

 

- At 27, you have a whole extra decade or so to have children. In my family, the women were still having healthy babies beyond 50. Plenty of time. No need to panic. Surely you'd like to be certain of your relationship and commitments before you start having children? Relax there is plenty of time.

 

- In the next 5yrs you will probably witness quite a few of your married friends going through divorces. It's very common for people married early in life to discover that they didn't make the best choice of partner back then and needing to start over. Be thankful you are not one of them.

 

- You are on the cusp of your Saturn Return. Now I know not everyone's into this stuff. But it's well documented that people of all genders go through a major change in how they see themselves between the ages of 28-30. It's another reason why divorce rates are pretty high in the early 30's. People suddenly wake up and realise this life they chose, isn't what they really want. Google Saturn Return, and you will understand what I mean with this life change. Now, because of that your own desires may either radically change or solidify in the next two years. Don't rush into anything right now.

 

- That relationship that looked like the perfect thing and blew up in your face....that was the universe doing you a favour. It happened to help you see that the things you are basing your life upon (perhaps your choice of partner, perhaps your sense of self, perhaps your attitude to singledom) are false foundations that don't fulfill your deepest desires. Time to take a good long hard look at that.

 

It's a tough time, I know, I went through it too. But you will get through it and better off for it. The worst thing to do right now is to jump back into dating and find a replacement for your ex. You need to do some internal work first, so the next guy is better than the last. Otherwise this drama will just play over and over again.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Buddhist

[Vercetti]

Nooooooo. Know a girl that married just cause turning 30 and friends and thought something was wrong if did not. That ended badly. Another girl that did not read red flags, abused by sociopath even married him after cheating and other horrid things. That ended badly.

 

In other words, single is better then some stupity. You're young and there is no need for arbitrary timelines. Think if spent a decade or two with this guy getting mind dragged. You're LUCKY and do not have any idea the bullets dodged. The only thing lost was an idea in head of fantasy future. The real future will end up better then old fantasy. Soon will laugh and wonder how this stressed you out at all.

[neowulf]

Well, I'm 36, never married and no kids. I think you're underestimating how many people find themselves in your situation :-D

 

Don't panic. Just take one day a a time and do your best to take care of yourself.

[lana-banana]

Oh, honey, 27 is when it starts getting good! People are just coming out of their college or post-college relationships. Men are mature enough to know who they are and what they want. Folks have a better sense of boundaries, life goals and established careers. Dating is so, so much better at this age.

 

Tally your friends who married at 25 or younger and those who married at 29 or older. The latter group is far more likely to go the distance.

[d0nnivain]

Your world shifted. You thought you were planning a wedding & buying a house. Now you are not. That is a huge change. Anyone would feel off balance. You do need to grieve your relationship & take stock of your life.

 

 

What are you goals? What are you doing to achieve them?

 

 

What hobbies or interests do you have? Look at your newly single state as a time to re-devote yourself to them.

 

 

I was 39 when I met my husband. It was 1st marriage for both of us. Don't give up hope.

[Mjm1014]

Or you saved yourself from being a single mom and a nasty divorce, which in turn would make your dating life significantly harder. You should count your blessings you found out the kind of man he was before you got hitched. Listen, you're 27, don't have kids, never been married- you're def a catch. I'm a 27 year old guy and it seems like EVERY girl has kids or a divorce in her past. You're one of the few that doesnt.

 

I know it's annoying to hear but work on yourself. Hit the gym if you have time even twice a day (I recently went through a breakup and this helps keep my mind off things plus I want to look good so I can attract more women and make the ex jealous haha), focus on work or school, and join a dating site. You have a lot of time. My cousin met his wife when he was 30 and by 32 he was married. 27, no kids, Pshh you got this...

[xpaperxcutx]

I am 25 and I just got out of a 3 year old relationship myself. It's really not the end of the world, once you get over the initial emotional hurdle.

 

You're a beautiful woman, and you don't need a man to validate your beauty. If it helps you can read on this blog I follow, it's helped alot with my self-esteem.

 

The Rules Revisited

[BlackHat]

"Camera, lights, action! A movie directed by orangetree.

 

Let's see. We have the job, the friends, the nice family. Now all that we need is the boyfriend. Well not any boyfriend, just one with a pulse of course, who is nice, and of course, the most important thing is that he must propose before I am 30. You, the one with the red sox cap, are you a nice guy? Yes? Good, then come here and propose me but do it quick because I am not getting any younger..."

 

Now does this sound crazy or it is just me?

 

In all your text I haven't found one single clue about the type of man you are looking for. And this worries me.

 

You have had 2-3 previous experiences, and it seems they have all been long-term, so I think you may need more experiences before you find "the one" (if there is one). You are also concerned about dying alone (by the way, we all do), would you prefer to die besides a horrible husband instead?

 

You need to calm down, chill out and let life follow its course. You may find a great person down the line, or maybe you wont. You may end up with 2 kids, or alone. But what you should NEVER do is to focus on the wedding cake without considering the person you are going to share your life with WITH EXTREME CARE.

 

Today 1 in every 2 marriages end up in divorce. These odds are not good. You need to be very careful and spend a good amount of YEARS living with someone before tying up the knot.

[edgygirl]

People find love at 50, 60, 70... it's amazing how most of us can think life is over if a relationship ended in our 20s.

[Mrlonelyone]

Everything you have heard so far is so very true. Especially the things Bhuddist said.

 

It is perfectly normal to feel bad since so many plans were laid and now they are dust. Trust that we have all been there at some point.

 

Do not feel that there is something wrong with never being married at 30 or even 40 much less 27.

 

One thing you need to forgive yourself for doing is having thought bad thoughts about people who were not attached at your age. Clearly you valued being married and maybe thought or said judgemental things about people who weren't. Now you see yourself in that position. Think of the messaging we get in world wide pop culture. "OMG you're over 30 or 40 and not married ....FREAK!" That is just Hollywood or Bollywood nonsense written by people who get divorced the way the rest of us get a burger.

 

Forgive yourself and realize that there is nothing wrong with not being married at 25 or 30 in a world where people now live to be 125 at the outside and 100 is more common than ever.

 

Say you married this guy would you have wanted to spend 100 miserable years with someone who didn't really like you all that much?

 

Think especially hard about those friends who married young especially to someone just as young. It is likely those marriages will not last. Let us look at this mathematically:

 

This is where I get my statistics

 

 

• 60% of marriages for people under 25 end in divorce.
   
  
• After five years of cohabitation only 21% of couples were still living together.
   
  
• 65 % of all altar bound men and women lived together before getting married.
  

 

Those are the observed facts.

 

If 21% living together but not married stay together at five years, and 40% married under 25 don't get divorced then the number of those under 25 who lived together before getting married who will make it is 0.21*0.4 = 0.084 or 8.4%

 

ONLY 8.4% of the relationships you see right now on FB with your young friends will last the test of time.

 

Every person on here who says I'm 25 or 30 and not married should see this fact. Odds are your friends who were under 25 or married just out of college or who are in relationships right now are about to be hit by relationship a freight train.

 

 

I know that is dark and scary....but on a positive note look at these numbers as follows.

 

By having only lived with the guy for a few years then breaking up 80% of the people around your age are like you. You are like 80% of the people who have had such relationship experience as you did. Like me, like most people on this board, like most people you see walking down the street.

 

Welcome to the club. Now have a drink relax and get ready to meet someone so much better than that guy that you will laugh at yourself for having considered him.