something2say Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I went out to 4 dates with girl last year. Early on, she revealed the different type of men she dated in the past without me prompting (couldn't we save this for later?) . However, what bothered me the most was the men she dated were in the lowest totem pole in term of men. I don't know how good they are in term of quality like kindness and etc. However, from objective qualities such as education, career, social class, and etc, they are at least 3 magnitude different than me. Again, the question is not about whether I'm actually better than them objectively. Rather, subjectively, I felt I was much better, and I was bothered by it. My attraction toward her immediately went from a 6.5 to 2. I felt guilty about it because I do like her but I was so bothered by this, and it became an emotional deal breaker. Why was I bothered that my date had dated men of much lower (perceived) status than me? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 something2say, Why was I bothered that my date had dated men of much lower (perceived) status than me? I really can't answer your question but all it shows, IMO, is her choices. It doesn't reflect on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author something2say Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) something2say, I really can't answer your question but all it shows, IMO, is her choices. It doesn't reflect on you. Thanks Arieswoman! I've been analyzing my thought pattern on this. I'm suspecting two possible culprits: 1. Similar to what you addressed on, subconsciously, I felt her past choices was reflecting my own self worth. Logic: Her past choices were poor. I'm her current choice. Therefore, I'm poor. 2. My possessiveness was acting up. One voice inside me kept saying "I don't like it when she was used by these guys. I don't like it when these guys had her before me." . Logic: I don't respect men who are much worse than me. 'Poor' men had her. Therefore, she is damaged goods because I don't want to be associated with people who are much worse than me. I'm feeling that I resonate more with #2 . Again, please excuse my bluntness. I'm not really proud of what I wrote. I'm just trying figure out why I had this involuntary emotional reaction under certain circumstances. It doesn't mean I'm proud of or happy about having this feeling. I still think about her from time to time. It is quite amazing that we have the same birthday. I just wish that she didn't tell me all these things early on before my attraction toward her has the chance to solidify... p.s. please excuse any typo as it is 3am, and I'm losing focus. Edited April 1, 2015 by something2say Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Man, that's an interesting question and some good introspection. It sure made me think. My Soulmate made some very poor dating/marriage decisions in the past. Some ranked relatively low on the socio-economic scale. Others far higher but severely lacked in other areas. In short, she had a really bad picker. But do any of her previous choices bother me? Not in the slightest. I guess for two reasons: 1) the more noble is that I honestly only care about who she is and how she makes me feel. 2) the less noble is that is though I feel her romantic choices were bad, she was and still is in very high demand. She's constantly being hit on by other men and would have no problem snapping her fingers and having her dance card full of dates with very attractive men - regardless of their social status. But she's chosen me, and that's a constant affirmation. Self High Five! I dunno if that helps. The only other thing I would do is turn your lens on yourself. Do you judge your own worth or desirability based on the women you've dated in the past? Would you find it fair for a woman you're dating to essentially judge you by your previous ex's? Would you find that to be an accurate measure of you? Consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Why was I bothered that my date had dated men of much lower (perceived) status than me? My guess, and we can only speculate here....is that you actively search for any reason to reject someone and this one was convenient. If we're putting in second guesses here I'd also suggest that you are entirely ego-driven and this scenario does not allow you to maintain an ego position of being superior. You don't want to go where someone 3 magnitude beneath you has also been. Either way, that kind of egostism will hamper your life experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 You know what ,I can relate,if a man had unattractive(in and out) women his "value" level plummets from high to low . I like picky men . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 How about her past choices were poor. She had learned from her mistakes & is now dating up. Also you said you don't know anything about these men in terms of how kind they were. I have dated everybody from unemployed actors, to deli clerks, to doctors, lawyers & famous politicians. They were all great guys & their "status" was the last thing I cared about. It seems like a petty thing for you to judge her for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Her value took a drop that is all. If her ex had been lets say a doctor her value in your eyes would have gone up and you would probably feel insecure about being able to keep up with her high maintenance. Now that you've seen her exs you feel you are too good for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 OP I think you're overthinking it. Sure she made some poor choices, but so does everyone else. I know I've dated the wrong people before when the right people were right in front of my eyes. Cut her some slack. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 OP I think you're overthinking it. Sure she made some poor choices, but so does everyone else. I know I've dated the wrong people before when the right people were right in front of my eyes. Cut her some slack. How about turning it its head and being pleased that she has started to make the right choices...? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Chazz Ellis on YouTube recently talked about this, but I can't remember what video it was, else I'd link it here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author something2say Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 @Mrin thanks. I guess I do judge myself based the type of women who would be attracted to me. This seems like a self-esteem issue. I'd like to think I'm great internally but I struggle on how to reconcile the external reality and how I feel about myself internally. .e.g If I'm so great, then how come I can't do XYZ ? @Buddhist, thanks. What is the best way to counter this? I'm admitting 100% that ego is a big reason why I want a certain type of mate. I want to show off my friends and others that I got this awesome girl. It seems like my self-worth is tied to that. I've tried Eckart Tolle's power of now to try to detach myself from my ego. Do you recommend some other methods? @d0nnivain, I agree that I was really judgemental. I'm normally a very open and compassionate person. That's why I have been feeling rotten about having this involuntary emotional reaction and judged someone based on superficial things. The girl in question had things I didn't like such as smoking, excessive tattoo, and unstable job. However, while those issues were important (especially tattoo) in a cerebral way, they didn't trigger the same level of emotional reaction compare to her dating history. She was a really sweet girl and very kind and compassionate. Even though she was making minimum wage, she offered to pay for the lunch the first time we went out (obviously I didn't let her do it). I think I cared about her as well. When she mentioned she has pretty bad backpain due to her work, I felt quite powerless that there wasn't any immediate I could do to take her pain away. I went to Amazon and bought her some backpain reliever. I didn't end up giving to her because of my internal struggle. I won't excuse myself for what I've done. I just want to find a solution so I won't be missing out my potential soul mate due to my own prejudice. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I respect you for having some self worth and wishing for the person with to have some standards. If will go out with trash, why the hell you have to be superman / if normally dates trash...then what does she see in me that's trashy given that's what she is used to / why am I gonna waste my time if other trashy men pumped and dumped / am I flattered I'm a hero if the standred is substandard. Just random thoughts, perhaps will help you sort things knowing you are not alone with mind in matters such as. Yet like other posters said, if she went out with high class gods you would be suffering the flip of that. My only real advice, is she mature enough to see what you have to offer and will she not take for granted someone living a stable life with house in order. She could have been with uncouth men simply cause she felt she could not do better at a point in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Funny. I'd feel more bothered/insecure if someone has had a lot of high status partners before me. I noticed I was the best looking girl the last guy I dated last year was with, and it made me happy and proud back then I guess I was always more afraid to lose someone if they can get something better than me or so. I guess that's also some kind of insecurity. Although lately I stop caring about these kind of things as in life nothing is guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 True edgy. Yet rather sure if guy with dated a string of strippers / runaways / junkies / escorts, you wouldn't be flattered of being his best. You might start suffering flashbacks of 80s AIDS awareness propaganda. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Well yes that's true. But within reason I don't care that the person dated someone "lower" status or looks than me True edgy. Yet rather sure if guy with dated a string of strippers / runaways / junkies / escorts, you wouldn't be flattered of being his best. You might start suffering flashbacks of 80s AIDS awareness propaganda. Link to post Share on other sites
Author something2say Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I respect you for having some self worth and wishing for the person with to have some standards. If will go out with trash, why the hell you have to be superman / if normally dates trash...then what does she see in me that's trashy given that's what she is used to / why am I gonna waste my time if other trashy men pumped and dumped / am I flattered I'm a hero if the standred is substandard. Just random thoughts, perhaps will help you sort things knowing you are not alone with mind in matters such as. Yet like other posters said, if she went out with high class gods you would be suffering the flip of that. My only real advice, is she mature enough to see what you have to offer and will she not take for granted someone living a stable life with house in order. She could have been with uncouth men simply cause she felt she could not do better at a point in her life. Thanks for the insightful reply. Your last sentence hits a nerve in me. I remember one thing she said was wanting to have man that will treat her well. I felt like I had failed her. I'm not sure if that is the "white-knight" part of me speaking. I want to treat her well. I want to take care of her. i want to make her feel like the most important person in the world. However, part of me doesn't allow me to do that. Part of me feels I could do better. It has been a year but I still think about this a lot. I'm not sure if it is because she was my first kiss and first (not first gf though) because with another girl I dated at the same time, I didn't feel as bad for not wanting to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Well yes that's true. But within reason I don't care that the person dated someone "lower" status or looks than me Lower status for me, is more ethics morality then looks or money. My post to you was mostly just for comedian reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
shvrk Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 What's the problem with dating someone lower on the social-economic scale? Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Makes sense. But I don't think I ever dated guys who were with people low on ethics so I can't attest to that I guess I was just commenting on what society thinks is high/low status (profession and looks). Good thing about getting older is you don't care that much what society thinks, it's more important what you think Cool, I like sarcasm. But I only get it with an emoticon in the end Lower status for me, is more ethics morality then looks or money. My post to you was mostly just for comedian reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Thanks for the insightful reply. Your last sentence hits a nerve in me. I remember one thing she said was wanting to have man that will treat her well. I felt like I had failed her. I'm not sure if that is the "white-knight" part of me speaking. I want to treat her well. I want to take care of her. i want to make her feel like the most important person in the world. However, part of me doesn't allow me to do that. Part of me feels I could do better. It has been a year but I still think about this a lot. I'm not sure if it is because she was my first kiss and first (not first gf though) because with another girl I dated at the same time, I didn't feel as bad for not wanting to continue. It can be hard to relate when you find someone beautiful, how could they not see what you see and lower themselfs to those that are completely unworthy of thier time. Don't know if it's white knight, maybe you simply felt like a man cause you could treat her well...just by existing and being you. Given what she said, there probably hasn't been a man in her life that made her feel human. You know, her dating past most likely haunts her much like it did you...unfortunately she had to live that crap. Link to post Share on other sites
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