xpaperxcutx Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is it possible for a guy to change his mind about dating you? For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 YMMV widely but I'm a one and done kinda guy. That goes for dating, relationships and marriage. Doubly true if discontinuing is my decision. Some guys may like revisiting things or perhaps like the warm fuzzy of sex so anything is possible. In general, the better a man can compartmentalize, the more likely you may find him amenable to trying things again. He doesn't let the boxes touch and whatever goes on is 'new'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 YMMV widely but I'm a one and done kinda guy. That goes for dating, relationships and marriage. Doubly true if discontinuing is my decision. Some guys may like revisiting things or perhaps like the warm fuzzy of sex so anything is possible. In general, the better a man can compartmentalize, the more likely you may find him amenable to trying things again. He doesn't let the boxes touch and whatever goes on is 'new'. Hi Carhill, can you elaborate on the bolded? What do you mean by whatever goes on is "new"? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is it possible for a guy to change his mind about dating you? For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? Honestly now. Would you let that happen with a guy? Just imagine the most recent guy you ended things with. Now after some time he wants to get back together with you. I think you already know the answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi Carhill, can you elaborate on the bolded? What do you mean by whatever goes on is "new"? The man who can compartmentalize well disassociates emotions from past interactions, or those in general, from particular experiences. An extreme example would be a man who is a serial cheater but demonstrates marked affection and love at home, or a man who kills people for a living and then bounces his baby on his knee when he gets home. Some men are really good at that, others not so good. Me, I'm lousy so that's why I'd suggest not using me as an example and to have more hope. With aspects of past interactions safely stowed away in a box in his psyche, and triggers on safety, he can proceed with the new dating and mating milieu with a fresh and unfettered perspective. I'm more of a ball of wire type of guy so everything is always accessible and I never forget, ever. The emotions may subside and be replaced by indifference but the memory is always there, never to be revisited in life again. It was what it was when it was and shall never be again. You know the man best. If you've had an intimate relationship with him, you should know his emotional style. If you want to know for sure at any one particular time, simply float a contact balloon and see what he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DoesntGetIt Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I've given people a second chance at dating before. It all depends on what happened, how we've gotten along since, and how we feel about each other now. If you cheated on me, then no. There is zero chance of another chance. Lied to me about things? Probably not. Said it was too much too soon, too serious, not feeling it, etc. Then maybe, if conditions are right. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? I'm SUPER curious to know what that means. Why didn't things work out the first time? Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 OP, it's not something you should ever count on happening because the odds are slim that it will. That's not to say it never happens. On-again off-again relationships can work out long-term, when outside circumstances align both people into each other's lives again at the right time. But most of the time it's a miss. You can run into a past love, and be hit by a tidal wave of romantic nostalgia that you mistake for real feelings. Then once the romantic nostalgia recedes, you remember why that person and you didn't work out and go on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 These questions are impossible for us to answer as they are subjective to so many things. What is your age? Why did things fail? What type of guy is he (that you can't answer)? SO much more goes into it. Do men change their minds? You bet, they do. But not always. If a woman has cheated on me numerous times, was promiscuous, lied, or in general a bad girl friend. Then the odds of me revisiting a relationship with them in the future is SLIM. The only times in which I have revisited ex's that treated me poorly was if it happened when we were young. If it happened after the age of 21 no way. If I dumped them because I wanted too see if the grass was greener on the other side then perhaps I might. But it's unlikely, if I was not attracted too her enough too keep me in her pasture the first time around what's making the second time different? But sure it's possible. I can name about 5 women I dated in the past that I regret dumping. But we are not friends and in almost every instance when I have hung out with them again or attempted to date them again things did not go well. I would not hold your breath but I would not completely discount it. If I were you I would date and continue on with your life. If he comes around he comes around but don't waste your time hoping he'll change his mind. As for self improvement, it's not self improvement unless you're doing it for YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is it possible for a guy to change his mind about dating you? For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? Uh.... Maybe FWB, but no serious relationship. Most guys would just downgrade you to booty-call status. Link to post Share on other sites
sportygirl89 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 My ex moved to my hometown to be with me. He is a piece of work. He walked out on me while I was sick. I would not give him a second chance as the bible it says to not leave your significant other. He has been through three girls or so after me. He can't seem to keep a girl which is actually quite amazing. I do not think I would take him back. If God wanted it he would move mountains. The last couple times we have talked he 1) told me he only talked to me to get off his conscience. 2) he blocked me on Facebook when I asked a simple question (like how his life was, not even a crude tone or anything ). God would open communication if he wanted us back together. Plus I don't think he would put me through that pain again. Would you date someone who emotionally played you in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The man who can compartmentalize well disassociates emotions from past interactions, or those in general, from particular experiences. An extreme example would be a man who is a serial cheater but demonstrates marked affection and love at home, or a man who kills people for a living and then bounces his baby on his knee when he gets home. Some men are really good at that, others not so good. Me, I'm lousy so that's why I'd suggest not using me as an example and to have more hope. With aspects of past interactions safely stowed away in a box in his psyche, and triggers on safety, he can proceed with the new dating and mating milieu with a fresh and unfettered perspective. I'm more of a ball of wire type of guy so everything is always accessible and I never forget, ever. The emotions may subside and be replaced by indifference but the memory is always there, never to be revisited in life again. It was what it was when it was and shall never be again. You know the man best. If you've had an intimate relationship with him, you should know his emotional style. If you want to know for sure at any one particular time, simply float a contact balloon and see what he does. In the cases of serial cheaters and murders and types you mentioned above, a dissociative disorder exists in the extreme. Dissociation itself is measured on a scale - low to high. Everyone dissociates in some way at various times but not everyone has a dissociative disorder. For people who have suffered a significant trauma in life, usually as a child, tt is a defense mechanism that separates significant past trauma from the present and allows them to function. There are high-functioning dissociative disordered people and low functioning. There is a lot more to it, but . . . In addition, there are likely co-morbid disorders that exist for those types of people. That being said, it would be very difficult to say whether a man has a dissociative disorder without knowing his history. But, for the most part, I wouldn't apply this "theory" just because a man comes back to a past dating partner. He would remember on a conscious level if the past dating partner was a good or bad experience. It would have had to have been a really, really, really bad experience that he "blocks" from his memory and then comes back to her I'm just saying this because I wouldn't want the OP to dismiss a potential dating partner because she thinks he or she may be disordered in some way or a murderer just because they've come back around It takes time to get to know someone. And, if someone is multi-dating, making the decision to continue dating one person or another is a process. Sometimes, you are dating a few people and decide to focus on one for a while and find that it doesn't work with that person. If they had a difficult time "choosing" which one to focus on, there isn't anything wrong with pursuing a past potential dating partner. If they moved on in the "right" way and didn't burn that bridge altogether, why not try again? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 In the cases of serial cheaters and murders and types you mentioned above, a dissociative disorder exists in the extreme. It wouldn't need to be that bad. Suppose he compartmentalizes these interactions the way it was once said of Bill Clinton. Dick Morris a cabinent member of his said there was a Saturday night Bill and a Sunday morning Clinton. Wild party guy at night, staid church going husband, father and president in the morning. OK I'm not saying that's true of Clinton. I'm not trying to be political .... but that is not a super uncommon thing. As a way to deal with stress and a world of shifting alliances many people do that. Take me for example. I compartmentalize well enough to know that past interactions don't have to rule future interactions. I teach at the college level, some of my students act out in a very disrespectful way. I can set that aside and grade them on the merit of their work anyway. On a personal level past interactions are part of any renewed relationship. If those interactions are bad then I will be guarded with any renewed friend/ lover/ business associate/ etc. A clean slate with me is possible but it takes serious discussion of WTH went on before. My advice to the original post. Based on this talk of dissociation and clean slates to date someone again takes a clean slate. Some people can't give you that no matter how much you change. If you were say totally crazy in the Rlship 5'5" 250 and lost down to 110 and shot a SI swimsuit cover and got therapy there are guys who would not change their mind ever. So could he change his mind, sure. Will he? That depends on him. If he was the dumper all you can do is sit back and let him approach you in a substantial way. Accept no breadcrumbs demand at least a sandwhich. If you were the dumper you would need to approach him. If as has been discussed he can compartmentalize the old from the new to some extent this will be easier. You too will have to do that. Start fresh almost as if what went on before didn't happen. NO bringing up who dumped who. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You shouldn't want them back. They let you go the first time and risked losing out on you, for someone else could have snapped you up. There would have to be serious mental problems involved, for the men I know to let a girl they were otherwise crazy about, go... If there were serious psychological problems evident and he was otherwise very much into you - then it'll probably take years of therapy before you're even ready to date and then hey, maybe he will want to date you again but probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is it possible for a guy to change his mind about dating you? For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? In the scenario you have set forth, no. Once you become a friend, you are stuck there forever. However if you meet young, say in high school & then grow up, yes it's possible for somebody to become interested later. That's what happened to me. Boys thought I was too smart & nerdy in HS. I got contacts, went to college, developed some social skills & viola boys who wouldn't talk to be years earlier wanted to date me. N.B. I was never friends with these guys. They were simply people whose names I knew because it was a small school. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 The man who can compartmentalize well disassociates emotions from past interactions, or those in general, from particular experiences. An extreme example would be a man who is a serial cheater but demonstrates marked affection and love at home, or a man who kills people for a living and then bounces his baby on his knee when he gets home. Some men are really good at that, others not so good. Me, I'm lousy so that's why I'd suggest not using me as an example and to have more hope. With aspects of past interactions safely stowed away in a box in his psyche, and triggers on safety, he can proceed with the new dating and mating milieu with a fresh and unfettered perspective. I'm more of a ball of wire type of guy so everything is always accessible and I never forget, ever. The emotions may subside and be replaced by indifference but the memory is always there, never to be revisited in life again. It was what it was when it was and shall never be again. You know the man best. If you've had an intimate relationship with him, you should know his emotional style. If you want to know for sure at any one particular time, simply float a contact balloon and see what he does. Thanks for the elaboration. He and I have never been intimate and we had only shared one kiss. I see him everyday and his interaction with me is how he is with everyone else- he jokes around and talks. He is most attentive to one of our close friends who, I think, he considers a brother. On the other hand, when Im alone with him, he doesn't talk to me. Rather, he takes out his earpiece and turns up the volume for his music (this is when we take the 45 minutes Subway ride home). He is distant and avoidant of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 What you are talking about is trying to get out of the freindszone, and the odds are bad... it's a 100 to 1 shot. You are better off finding a new guy with a clean slate. You have one chance per guy per lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If he was ever really into you, you'd know it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krieger Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Is it possible for a guy to change his mind about dating you? For whatever reason, things didn't work out the first time, is it possible to be friends and hope that enough time has past (with some self-improvement) that he will notice and decide to date you again? No because I been hurt by a female that lead me on and said she likes me and played games with my head and heart. Long story short a few years later she broke up with her long term BF and I let her use me but we really uses each other. I am not sure she wanted to date me but I was a rebound/ FWB for almost a year until she found a new BF. I did not like her or have feelings for her. My only regret is I wish i picked a girl i liked and she liked my to be my first. Link to post Share on other sites
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