Multiple partners - a fine mess I'm in

[mortensorchid]

Like many of you have probably experienced at some point or another in the past, I find that life tends to go in a certain biorhythm that is uncertain. You can go for weeks, months, even years without anything in terms of a good love life, and then all of a sudden when it rains it pours. Here is what happened just in the last few weeks ...

 

 

1) FWB - For the last year and a half or so, I've been with this guy who is considered a friend with benefits. Part of me wishes he would take it to another level, but looks like that ain't gonna happen. Those things aside, I see him from time to time and we do things together (not just sex).

 

 

2) Man who went poof - Last year for about 4 or 5 months, I was seeing this other guy. He had just gotten divorced and said it wasn't a big deal to him. The communication started to get strange, his not responding to texts or whatnot. After this oddness for about three weeks, I decided to just let it be and go on my merry way. I ran into him on Halloween after about 5 months of silence, we had a chat. I asked where he disappeared to. He said being divorced is strange, he bought a house on the other side of town because he wanted to get out of the apartment he was living in and had buyer's remorse as he moved far away from a lot of the action and friends when he was so close by before. I said I felt like I was kind of a rebound since his divorce had just ended (as it had nothing to do with me). In the last few weeks, we have had our Friday night together. I handle it with dignity and class, telling him I had a wonderful time but I understand we are not bf/gf or "going steady". He said someday he will heal from the divorce, just not now. Do I believe that? I don't know. He also said during that time we weren't speaking he slept with another woman who he no longer talks to. Do I believe that? I don't know that either.

 

 

3) Younger man - I had known him for a bit, not well but for a bit. He sent me an IM through Facebook saying that he would like to see me as he wondered what it would be like with an older woman (I'm 40, he's 26). I agreed. We've had a lot of fun dates together, he's a good man and seems very nice. At the moment, we are taking a break from one another since he is working on a movie project which he has to salvage. We have not done IT yet, but I think we will soon. Problem? I'm not very physically attracted to him, he's on the chunky side, but I am trying to tell myself it's what's on the inside that counts. And I think that's the case with him.

 

 

4) Separated friend - A man I'd known for a while (who lives next door to my old bf) is going through a divorce. Without going into detail about his nightmare situation with his soon to be ex wife, I offered myself as a source of comfort. As a friend of course. I know how horrible it is to be mistreated which she did to him and continues to do, he used me as his sounding board. In fact, he felt he could tell me that he started taking Prozac, as I told him I have taken it for years to help with my depression issues and I am/was the only person he knows who also take said Rx. He started taking the pills, then over time said that he stopped taking them. I asked why even though they were improving his mood. He said one of the side effects of said drugs is decreased drive, and well ... You know. Apparently he was with some other woman and he was unable to get it up. I said "Oh, well ... That does happen to men from what I understand." I mentioned that last night I was with someone as well, but I'd never had a problem but it is/was different for women isn't it? We went out tonight spur of the moment, he wanted to go out and see some band and get sushi. I said ok. When we got back to his house, we said good night and he leans over and kisses me. I was a bit shocked. I said "Well ... I'll get going now." And drove home alone. He sent a text saying "I kissed you because I could, why wouldn't I? You are some serious eye candy. I think we make a pretty good duo, not reading anything into it. This year looks fun with you as my wing man. Seriously I had a good time would like to do more things." I texted back "Thanks, I would like to as well. We can talk more in depth on it later. Night night."

 

 

Am I being self centered to live like this? I don't see why I can't keep seeing ALL of them. Men do it all the time don't they? Is there anything wrong with this?

[Buddhist]

If it floats your boat do it. But I think if was floating your boat this post wouldn't exist.

[jen1447]

Go forth and enjoy yourself hon.

[almond]

At the age of 40, I'm curious as to what you're looking for? A serious relationship or a bunch of flings?

 

 

1 - FWB who does not want anything more.

2 - Recently divorced guy who rebounded with you and then advised you that he is not ready.

3 - Much younger guy who wants to see what it's like to be with an older woman. You're not physically attracted to him.

4 - Guy in the process of going through a divorce.

 

 

I don't think the odds are good that anything long term will come from any of these guys. If you're fine with that, then great, but just take care you're not looking for something in all the wrong places.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like four frogs and no prince. Me, I'd rather entertain myself and keep looking than kiss frogs.

[loveweary11]

This is exactly what I have.

 

I'm curious... don't you find it both exhausting to deal with and boring?

 

I'm also 40. I have 4 regular girls (all like your younger guy in age) in orbit constantly. They pop in, then take it casual, then pop back in, while I have a few others in more of a Pluto orbit.

 

I'm so tired of it. I spend hours each day texting them. I spend a lot of time and money doing things with them. I feel like I'm going to get a STI with all these partners.

 

You seem to be looking for validation.

 

Yes, it's perfectly normal. All women seem to do this in my experience since being divorced. (I know... plenty of love shack ones dont...I'm talking about 20-25 year old super hot women)

 

I'm bored to tears of all these girls. I'd like something real.

 

So go ahead and do what you want here. It's very, very common. It's the norm now.

 

It's not self centered. It's you living your life on your terms. You don't owe anything to anyone unless you decide, together, to commit. Until then, follow your whims and do what makes you happy.

Edited March 29, 2015 by loveweary11

[fitnessfan365]

The benefit of multiple partners is that you can be a lot more selective and cut ones loose that you aren't fully invested in.

 

1) Lose the 26 year old. Realistically the age difference will be an issue eventually and you're not even that attracted to him. Sure, he's fun to do things with because he makes you feel vital and young. However, that's all it is.

 

2) Lose Mr. Poof. Why wait around for him to get his $hit together? Especially when he vanished and then appeared out of the blue to simply keep you on the hook for later.

 

For right now, I'd focus on getting your sexual needs met with the FWB, and see if there is any potential with Mr. Separated. He probably has a better chance of getting divorced and wanting to be openly single than Mr. Poof.

Edited March 29, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[lana-banana]

How is this a "fine mess"? How is this even "seeing multiple people"? All of these men have said they don't desire a committed relationship with you (the separated guy called you his "wingman", which is basically a neon sign saying it's never gonna happen).You are just hanging around a few dudes and having sex from time to time. Why would you settle for so little?

Edited March 29, 2015 by lana-banana