edgygirl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 This is a first for me. I would never date dads before but I met this guy who will be divorced in April, and he has two 10yo girls. He's probably the most supportive guy I've dated in the last years. We met online over a month ago, and then live about 3 weeks ago. We've had 4 dates. In the beginning he was totally pre-planning the dates. Now he's not doing that, and it seems being with the girls on custody time and having a busy work life is taking its toll. He has the girls once mid-week and every other weekend. But it seems since we met he had them almost every weekend due to ex traveling etc. How often is it reasonable for me to expect to see him? I am just afraid we are not meeting often enough and it will take too long to get to know each other in able time to establish if we're a real match. He said he was thinking about "building it casually". I asked what casually meant and he said 1-2 times a week depending on our schedules. Is that reasonable? The past two weeks we're not even getting to those 1-2 dates as he's always has something related to the girls or so. First time dating a dad, not sure how to deal. We've already had conflicts re: how often we meet, but talked it over today. Let's see how it goes in the future now that he knows it's bothering me, but any advice from someone with experience? Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You should not date this man because he is not divorced yet. Chances that this will turn into a serious long term relationship are really small. You should only date men who are already divorced officially for at least one year (preferably two), or you have high chances of being a rebound and get hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 That was my belief. I told my sister "people say wait 1-2 years" with a divorced person. She replied: Says who? I met my husband when he was divorced for 3 months and we've been together from that day for 30 years of marriage (completed this year). Touché. Things are relative and depend on the person. He dated a single mom while separated and it didn't work out. At least I am not the first one he's dating post-separation. Also, he said he and ex have been living as friends for a few years so he feels the relationship was over years ago and is healed. You should not date this man because he is not divorced yet. Chances that this will turn into a serious long term relationship are really small. You should only date men who are already divorced officially for at least one year (preferably two), or you have high chances of being a rebound and get hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Alright, it's good he's been dating someone else. Proceed with caution. It could work out, but on average, they need to be at least divorced. I do have a friend who's been dating this guy who she met on match. He was divorced 5 months when they met and they seem to be happy together. But I do know other women who got burned by separated men (like your guy-not yet divorced) or newly divorced and statistically, these guys are high risk and the ones who do work out are the exception. To answer your question, once a week minimum should be how often you should meet. If things don't progress... I did dump a divorced dad because he was seeing me twice a month. That doesn't work, really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks BluEyeL. Yes I know there's a high risk and I thought about it often and hardly before deciding to dive into it. For now I will take the risk. I agree, once a week minimum. But I am the type to dive in to check if it's right and go ahead or get it over with, so even once a week seems so little for me I'm having trouble dealing with the idea of it :/ Alright, it's good he's been dating someone else. Proceed with caution. It could work out, but on average, they need to be at least divorced. I do have a friend who's been dating this guy who she met on match. He was divorced 5 months when they met and they seem to be happy together. But I do know other women who got burned by separated men (like your guy-not yet divorced) or newly divorced and statistically, these guys are high risk and the ones who do work out are the exception. To answer your question, once a week minimum should be how often you should meet. If things don't progress... I did dump a divorced dad because he was seeing me twice a month. That doesn't work, really. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 It should progress in time but once a week for the first couple of months should be fine. If in time it doesn't get a bit more often, then it may be that although he may want to be in a relationship, he doesn't have the time and that's not his fault but it wouldn't work on the long term. My current BF only saw me once a week for the first two months, then we went up to 2x/week, then 3x/week, now we are at 5X/week and this week we'll actually see each other every day. But we've been dating 8 months at this point and it did start with once a week. Remember that slow and steady wins the race and stay in the moment. If in two-three months he's not upping it, then it may be a problem. But don't bring it up now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Wow... once a week for 2 months. Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this. Slow and steady is prob much better. I am not used to slow and steady and always wanted to try it. Might end up working better than all my past relationships. Happy to hear you're doing well It should progress in time but once a week for the first couple of months should be fine. If in time it doesn't get a bit more often, then it may be that although he may want to be in a relationship, he doesn't have the time and that's not his fault but it wouldn't work on the long term. My current BF only saw me once a week for the first two months, then we went up to 2x/week, then 3x/week, now we are at 5X/week and this week we'll actually see each other every day. But we've been dating 8 months at this point and it did start with once a week. Remember that slow and steady wins the race and stay in the moment. If in two-three months he's not upping it, then it may be a problem. But don't bring it up now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) You should not date this man because he is not divorced yet. Chances that this will turn into a serious long term relationship are really small. You should only date men who are already divorced officially for at least one year (preferably two), or you have high chances of being a rebound and get hurt. - BlueyeL is right.... he's probably on the rebound. Watch for flakiness. And It can sometimes take even longer than 2 years to get over the rebound period. How long was the relationship with the ex? It's just means he's in a high risk group, it does not mean it won't workout. As far as how many dates you should have per week? - at least one date a week, minimum. For what it's worth, I prefer 2-4 days a week. Edited March 5, 2015 by Gary S 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Ya I would agree that once a week is about right of he has 50/50 custody. That will increase with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 That was my belief. I told my sister "people say wait 1-2 years" with a divorced person. She replied: Says who? I met my husband when he was divorced for 3 months and we've been together from that day for 30 years of marriage (completed this year). Touché. Things are relative and depend on the person. He dated a single mom while separated and it didn't work out. At least I am not the first one he's dating post-separation. Also, he said he and ex have been living as friends for a few years so he feels the relationship was over years ago and is healed. The relationship may well be over but the final signing of those papers is a massive kick in the balls when it happens. It hurts. Its the finality of it all even if they have moved on a rebuilt their lives. Have to say, be very wary of getting attached to this one. Emotions have a weird way of jumping up and slapping you in the face when you are going through stuff like this. He may be a great guy but he may not yet be ready with out knowing himself. So be careful with your heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I agree. I don't think he's playing or anything, but I did think that he himself might not know whether he's ready for real. He might think he is but he's not. That's always on the back of my mind. But I've chosen to give it a chance as I like him. I will be careful though. The relationship may well be over but the final signing of those papers is a massive kick in the balls when it happens. It hurts. Its the finality of it all even if they have moved on a rebuilt their lives. Have to say, be very wary of getting attached to this one. Emotions have a weird way of jumping up and slapping you in the face when you are going through stuff like this. He may be a great guy but he may not yet be ready with out knowing himself. So be careful with your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I personally stay away from them unless you also have kids. OR you don't mind second ALL THE TIME. This is personal experience. I'm glad the guys I dated love their kids but I hated always being second, or close to last. So my generally rule of thumb is NO. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 As someone who's not a parent it will be difficult for you to date a single dad. You are totally free of your time and his is very restrained. There will be many last minute cancellation and not all is free weekends will end up free. During the summer he'll probably have them full time for a couple of months, etc. You already had a disagreement over him not having enough time. I don't want to discriminate but he would be better with a single mom who's as busy as he is and understand the dynamic of being a single parent, and you would be better with someone who's not a parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Wait until he's done with divorce and custody battles before going out with him anymore. He used the word "casual." That is the opposite of "serious" when you're talking about a relationship. It's a nonrelationship. It's sex without commitment or intention to work toward commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 You guys are probably right. This is the first time I tried to date a single dad and although he's very present checking in on me everyday (unlike single guys I've been dating), it is not going that well... again he had his kids this weekend. It all just makes me feel very lonely and that's not how you're supposed to feel when getting to know someone. I do feel second place right now. And I have always thought he should date a single mom instead but I tried to give the single dad a chance at least once as I always felt bad for not being into them. I am already rethinking the whole thing. Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I think it could work and it seems like he is making an effort. Wanting to see you casually for 1-2 times a week, i think it is plenty, I was afraid you might say he wanted to see you casually only every few weeks or so. Ok, at the moment he might be busy, but he is about to finalize his divorce, so you should give him some space and see if he comes around. The girls are 10 already, that's good, if they were younger I find it would be maybe more difficult for you to 'fit in'. I hope the girls like you, that's important. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 Thanks catchthedrift. As it's been over 2 weeks since we met, I am assuming it's not even going to be a weekly thing right now. I feel he's busy with other things. And the text messages with no date setting plans started to annoy me. So I started to be cold in my responses to him although I didn't completely ditched him yet. He noticed. I haven't officially broken (this dating thing) off yet as I didn't have the guts. I like him. But I won't be as responsive. In my mind I'm also giving him time - if he's genuinely ready to get to know someone for a real relationship and the divorce comes through next month indeed, and he finally has more time to focus on us... he knows where to find me. Meanwhile I am open to other people and have started dating the ones I've talked with in the past. I feel multi-dating until there's commitment is the best policy so we don't obsess with a certain someone. Oh well. As I suspected, it's difficult dating dads - and I went on a date with one more dad this week. Let's see how it goes. I think it could work and it seems like he is making an effort. Wanting to see you casually for 1-2 times a week, i think it is plenty, I was afraid you might say he wanted to see you casually only every few weeks or so. Ok, at the moment he might be busy, but he is about to finalize his divorce, so you should give him some space and see if he comes around. The girls are 10 already, that's good, if they were younger I find it would be maybe more difficult for you to 'fit in'. I hope the girls like you, that's important. I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Once he's officially divorced all his friends will push women at him and pressure him to play the field, so just get ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 Wow didn't think about that... you're probably right. Once he's officially divorced all his friends will push women at him and pressure him to play the field, so just get ready. Link to post Share on other sites
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