Should I stay or should I go? (bununun uuun un un)

[edelweiss]

Alright but seriously.

So seeeeeveral weeks back I told my bf that I loved him. Because I do. Fact. He didn't reciprocate, but has since told me such things as, "I really care about you" "I'm glad you didn't get that job in ____ because then you would've been gone" "I don't want to say I love you until I'm really sure." That sort of stuff. Which is fine and entirely understandable. I know he cares. We spend a stupid amount of time together. He is protective of me, and passionate about me, he's very helpful, he's polite with me and my friends and my mom! Good guy. Honestly.

 

He's of the "I've been hurt in the past and so x, y, z" variety. I wonder if he's also not a bit emotionally unavailable. There's an ex that I wonder about. I don't think she's interested in him anymore, as I'm sure she's the one who hurt him here, but I can't say whether or not he's completely moved on from that.

 

SO he is older than me, has his own life going already, all that. I'm a student. I'm considering a few things for my life/career...both of which would steer my life away from him. I want to go overseas to teach, and I also have considered military service/ROTC. Both would basically mean an end to us, really. I don't want that necessarily. At all. Because I do love him. He just makes me dang happy. But I also don't want to stick around and delay chances in my life for somebody who can't or won't feel what I feel. It's a real source of conflict for me.

 

 

 

I told him that I wanted to talk to him tonight about some stuff, mostly this stuff. How should I go about that? I want him to know this is what's on my mind, but I don't want it to sound like an ultimatum sort of thing. I don't even know what's what. Agh. Help, internet folks.

[Gary S]

How long have you two been dating?

 

If he had a recent breakup, it's possible he could be on the rebound. How long was that last relationship? How long has been single after it?

 

It's a little known fact that many guys don't say "I love you", unless something traumatic happens to you, like a car accident, or you two have a child, that sort of thing. What'samatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood?!

 

But you will know if he loves you by the special things he says to you, the way he looks at you, touches you, and acts around you. With men on this issue, talk is cheap but actions scream.

[edelweiss]

How long have you two been dating?

 

If he had a recent breakup, it's possible he could be on the rebound. How long was that last relationship? How long has been single after it?

 

It's a little known fact that many guys don't say "I love you", unless something traumatic happens to you, like a car accident, or you two have a child, that sort of thing. What'samatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood?!

 

But you will know if he loves you by the special things he says to you, the way he looks at you, touches you, and acts around you. With men on this issue, talk is cheap but actions scream.

I'm not sure about the details of that relationship/durations of it or afterward. I've only accidentally gotten glimpses of things about her/how he feels for her. He doesn't know that I know anything about her actually...

We've been together about five months.

 

I mean, like I said, the issue isn't necessarily that I know if he loves me or not...because that just is what it is. But if he's caught up on this girl, and I'm reshuffling my life around for him...? I don't know. I want to tell him, like, "I'm serious about this and you mean a lot to me. I'm willing to negotiate my future plans if it means keeping our relationship on the up and up. Is that something that sounds reasonable to you, or no?"

[BluEyeL]

OK, so I've been where you are at when my BF and I dated for 5 months. Except I didn't tell him I loved him. But I was starting to fret and, like you, at my craziest moments, plan when should I cut bait if he's not saying the words. By one year? Two? Less?

 

Eventually, I told him first indeed after about 6.5 months, but with no expectation for him to say it back. then, at 7 months, on Valentine's day (this Valentine's), he said "love" on his card to me. I did the same (coincidence). And then, we had an emotional moment and he said it to me. Problem solved! Phew... But I was fretting a while before that.

 

My advice to you is to NOT have a discussion with him about this. Let it go. Don't worry about it now. It's not been all that long. You say it to him when you feel it, but not too often and some men have been known to say it after 2 years or more. Hopefully for you it's coming soon, but please put no pressure on the guy! Don't ask him why he didn't say it etc etc etc

[BluEyeL]

No, don't have that discussion. Ask some questions about the ex-gf. How long ago did they break up, who did the breaking up, why etc. That should give you some info.

[katiegrl]

How long have you two been dating?

 

If he had a recent breakup, it's possible he could be on the rebound. How long was that last relationship? How long has been single after it?

 

It's a little known fact that many guys don't say "I love you", unless something traumatic happens to you, like a car accident, or you two have a child, that sort of thing. What'samatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood?!

 

But you will know if he loves you by the special things he says to you, the way he looks at you, touches you, and acts around you. With men on this issue, talk is cheap but actions scream.

 

Re second paragraph, agree and also want to add YOU MOVE AWAY or BREAK UP WITH HIM to that list. That's when men experience "longing" which is a very intense emotion and often interpreted as love for many men.

 

I have seen where this had happened too many times for this to be ignored or dismissed.

 

I have had a few male friends tell me -- while she was right in front of me, although I cared about her and enjoyed our time together, I couldn't really "see" her, or figure out how I truly felt about her...it was only after she was gone when I was able to get in touch with my feelings, and realize how much I loved her.

[edelweiss]

Re second paragraph, agree and also want to add YOU MOVE AWAY or BREAK UP WITH HIM to that list. That's when men experience "longing" which is a very intense emotion and often interpreted as love for many men.

 

I have seen where this had happened too many times for this to be ignored or dismissed.

 

I have had a few male friends tell me -- while she was right in front of me, although I cared about her and enjoyed our time together, I couldn't really "see" her, or figure out how I truly felt about her...it was only after she was gone when I was able to get in touch with my feelings, and realize how much I loved her.

And well that's just it. I hate to make it seem like I'm backing him into a corner, even though I sort of am...I just need to know what I'm working with. I don't want to derail future plans or decide not to take certain opportunities for someone who won't be able to reciprocate the sort of feelings I have. Who is emotionally unavailable! I want to clarify it all.

[katiegrl]

And well that's just it. I hate to make it seem like I'm backing him into a corner, even though I sort of am...I just need to know what I'm working with. I don't want to derail future plans or decide not to take certain opportunities for someone who won't be able to reciprocate the sort of feelings I have. Who is emotionally unavailable! I want to clarify it all.

 

My suggestion would be to NOT put your life on hold while waiting for a guy to figure out how he feels about you.

 

If he doesn't feel like he loves you now....chances are he may never feel it.....not while you're still hanging around waiting for him to realize it anyway.

 

Just go live your life! Do what you want/need to do....what's best for your future and long term happiness.

 

No need to discuss this with him, just make your plans and tell him you are leaving. He knows you love him and he also know he can't reciprocate, so your deciding to leave shouldn't come as some big shock to him.

 

Waiting for a guy to "be sure" he loves you is a futile waste of time and energy IMO.

[strawberrypancake]

OK, so I've been where you are at when my BF and I dated for 5 months. Except I didn't tell him I loved him. But I was starting to fret and, like you, at my craziest moments, plan when should I cut bait if he's not saying the words. By one year? Two? Less?

 

Eventually, I told him first indeed after about 6.5 months, but with no expectation for him to say it back. then, at 7 months, on Valentine's day (this Valentine's), he said "love" on his card to me. I did the same (coincidence). And then, we had an emotional moment and he said it to me. Problem solved! Phew... But I was fretting a while before that.

 

My advice to you is to NOT have a discussion with him about this. Let it go. Don't worry about it now. It's not been all that long. You say it to him when you feel it, but not too often and some men have been known to say it after 2 years or more. Hopefully for you it's coming soon, but please put no pressure on the guy! Don't ask him why he didn't say it etc etc etc

 

This is really good advice, OP ^^^.

Take it.

 

I knew I loved my last BF after about two months into the relationship, I told him after 5 months and he told me a month later. GUYS TAKE THEIR TIME.

 

If I were you I'd not push him, but of course I also would advise you to not put your plans on hold. How old are you guys? This might be important in the whole equation. I also find it alarming that there is a potential ex-girlfriend oh his still hovering over your relationship. You need to make sure that you are not the rebound, because as sad it sounds, it is possible in this case.

 

My current BF told me 3 months in that he loved me and I didn't reciprocate. Not all men are the same. If I were you, I'd just give him his time regarding proclaiming his love for you.

 

But what you truly can address is the ex-girlfriend thing, and how it influences him still and what impact it has on his current relationship with you.

But don't make a scene. Be reasonable. Ask reasonable questions.

Such as, how long were they together, how long ago did they break it off and what she meant to him, and i.e. if that relationship left any marks that he might still deal with.

You want to know if he is genuine.