soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 So I met this girl online about a month ago. We had some good email exchanges and then planned to meet up for coffee. The initial meetup (date?) went great. We spent a few hours talking, and generally had a good time. We parted ways with a hug and I promised to get in touch. We had some sporadic text conversations, then I asked her out for another date a few days after our initial meetup. This time we spent nearly the entire day together. We walked around, got lunch, did some shopping. We didn't do anything special, but we were laughing and talking the whole time. The next weekend she was out of town on business so we did not hangout, and we did not communicate much at all. At the beginning of the week, when I knew she was back in town, I asked her out again. We got together this weekend and had brunch before she was going to meetup with a friend. Everytime we've hungout it has been great. We are both totally engaged in the moment (no checking cell phones etc), have great conversation, and laugh a lot. She is incredibly smart, attractive, funny, and successful. This girl has some serious potential and I think I'm starting to over think things. Nevertheless, I have some initial concerns. Here are my concerns (we are both in our early 30's): 1) She is only available during the day on the weekends. All other days/times are usually booked with plans with friends etc. She seems to shoehorn our get togethers in between these other meetups. Granted we've only hung out three times, but it seems like having some night time activity would be normal. (this would be totally fine with me if I knew I was not getting played) 2) No romantic physical contact, only hugs hi/bye. Again, we've only hung out three times. And this may be my fault. I haven't really tried to put the moves on her, but it can feel awkward in the middle of the day. On our second date (the long outing) she touched me playfully, but this last time there was zero physical contact during our date (but a lot of verbal playing/teasing). 3) She never contacts me first. If I don't contact her, she won't call, text, or email. However when I do contact her (which is not too often - I don't want to be a clinger) she responds and is fully engaged. Part of me thinks that she's just a busy person with a full social life, and is maybe not looking to devote too much time to dating until she finds someone worth it (ie not hanging out on weekend nights). The other part of me thinks she's got a roster of guys she is going out with and I'm somewhere in the middle. The not contacting me first thing is weird, is this some rule she has to weed out the guys that aren't truly interested? Like I said, I could just be way overthinking this (I got out of a relationship with a very needy girl). But I would be curious to hear what some of you think. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I don't know how your love interest feels...but I like a man who is able to say what's on his mind. It's a turn off if a man is afraid to be upfront with me. I like it when a man feels free to express how he feels, and that includes sexuality. Men like this get further with me than men who are timid, passive or fearful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I agree with adele about a guy who is firm calm assertive and says what is on his mind......i would add though that a guy needs to consider the other persons feelings and wishes or plans ....and is willing to compromise.....so listening is also important just not saying what is on your mind.....if you arent interested in what the other person has to say or input...then that is a turn off as well.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Take the initiative. Ask her out on a date night. Kiss her good night. And see how she reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
Peachland Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Be honest with her and tell her how you feel. Make sure you kiss on your next date. I wouldn't worry too much about her not initiating contact. She may be following your lead since the relationship is still at the beginning stages. I do this too. Link to post Share on other sites
Dybbuk Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Some things that stood out to me... 1. You haven't gone in for a kiss!!! Sounds like if she was verbally playing with you/teasing you she liked you well enough and is trying to come across as flirtatious. She may have reined in her 'touching' after the 2nd date didn't result in a kiss. Just go for it! If she doesn't reciprocate or cheeks you then you'll have your answer. In every case that I've been out with a guy and enjoyed his company, I knew by the end of the 3rd date at the VERY latest (usually knew by the 2nd) if I wanted to kiss him or not. 2. Don't get too hung up on her not contacting you first. Some girls try to hold back on the communication so they don't come off too needy and also because they are trying to gauge a guy's interest. Some women just preferred to be pursued during those initial 3 dates. Usually by the 4th date I was ok with contacting the guy I was seeing once in a while. If she still doesn't start communicating, be more sparse with the communication and see if she gets the clue to reciprocate. If she doesn't, I'd move onto someone else. Personally I feel communication is a two way street, and if someone can't make the effort in the VERY EARLY stages to just text you with a "Hey how was your day?", you'll probably be the one making all the investment with no return. Pass. 3. Dates only during the day and wedged in between other appointments... This would be the most concerning thing to me because quite frankly if you met online, there are other suitors who have contacted her. Whether or not she is multi-dating can only be guessed. I don't want to make assumptions about what she's doing during her off time (because she might just have a busy life), but Friday/Saturday nights are like prime real estate on the dating schedule. I'd make it a point to try and see if you can schedule an evening date for the 4th. Make your intentions known. Tell her you'd like to take her out on whatever night, and see what she says. If she insists she's busy or already has plans than I'd proceed with caution. I personally can't think of any girl who would be interested in a guy but decides NOT to go on a date with him on a weekend night. Just does not compute. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Dybbuk: This totally struck a chord with me... "I personally can't think of any girl who would be interested in a guy but decides NOT to go on a date with him on a weekend night. Just does not compute. " This is so true. I think when you're in the thick of things it's easy to dismiss (or just not see) the most obvious things. Who the hell wouldn't make time on a weekend night for a guy/girl they were interested in and excited about seeing? I need to ask this girl out for dinner this weekend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Be honest with her and tell her how you feel. Honest as in tell her that I really like her and think she's amazing? Or tell her that I think it's weird that we haven't been out at night yet? Link to post Share on other sites
drewdude Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 This sounds EXACTLY like the girl I am currently seeing down to a T. Though after 5 hangouts, I asked her out on an official date, I actually made a move after said date and she didnt pull away. We have hung out a few times and have been ending with a kiss. I was upfront with my feelings about her. She didn't respond with a yes/no but she did tell me shes glad that I told her and now she can be more open with me. I met her friends for the first time last week so I hope all is good. Good luck man. Like I said. ASK her out on an official date. say "I would love to take you out for *......* sometime" once I said that, she responded with "its a date". And I said it indeed is. At the end of it, go in for the kiss! Don't be afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Dybbuk: This totally struck a chord with me... "I personally can't think of any girl who would be interested in a guy but decides NOT to go on a date with him on a weekend night. Just does not compute. " This is so true. I think when you're in the thick of things it's easy to dismiss (or just not see) the most obvious things. Who the hell wouldn't make time on a weekend night for a guy/girl they were interested in and excited about seeing? I need to ask this girl out for dinner this weekend. Yes! Ask her out this weekend and ask her which night works better for her, Friday night or Saturday night. I don't want to make you paranoid, but I did that once when I dated more than one guy at a time. I told one of my dates that I could hang out with him during the day but that I had other things going on during the evening; the "other things" I had going on was that I was on a date with another guy. And there was nothing wrong with me doing that because most guys do that all the time. After about a couple of weeks, I had decided on which guy I was more compatible with and was more attracted to and then began dating only him. I wouldn't do that in the future though; but when I was younger, doing that worked for me at the time. I think now that you two have gone out on 3 dates, that she should start contacting you on her own without you having to contact her first. Calling is always best (in my opinion) but if she's shy or just overuses the texting feature of her phone, she could at least text you to say 'hey' and see how you're doing, how was your week so far and if you'd want to meet up with her sometime this weekend. If she continues to never contact you on her own, I think that would be a red flag; she shouldn't always expect you to contact her. If you do hang out with her this weekend, make sure it's a weekend night. During the evening (when it feels right and if you feel a romantic vibe from her or she's being flirty with you) or at the end of the date, gently lean in and kiss her! I mean, she's already spent the day with you and has gone out with you three times, so hopefully by now, she should feel comfy about kissing you and should WANT to kiss you - IF she's physically/sexually attracted to you. There's only one way for you to find out, y'know? So, regardless of whether she initiates contact with you this week or not, call her up (please don't text her, it's so impersonal!) and ask her out this Friday or Saturday NIGHT and see what she says. Good luck, OP. And let us know how everything goes! . Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) Good job on getting three dates with her, you are doing well! It's hard to say whether she really has feelings for you though. I would not worry about her only being available... many women have full social lives and won't be ready to give that up until they are in love with you... it might take another month for that to happen. I would actually not push for a Saturday night date. But there are some major moves you need to make: 1) Ask to pick her up from home for a date - Are you still just meeting this girl? First or second date from Online it's fine to meet, but if she won't let you pick her up from home, she's not falling for you or has issues. 2) You need to go for the first big kiss - you really should go for the first kiss within the first three dates... if she liked you to begin with, her interest could wane in the future if you don't. Edited March 3, 2015 by Gary S Link to post Share on other sites
Author soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 If you do hang out with her this weekend, make sure it's a weekend night. During the evening (when it feels right and if you feel a romantic vibe from her or she's being flirty with you) or at the end of the date, gently lean in and kiss her! I mean, she's already spent the day with you and has gone out with you three times, so hopefully by now, she should feel comfy about kissing you and should WANT to kiss you - IF she's physically/sexually attracted to you. There's only one way for you to find out, y'know? So, regardless of whether she initiates contact with you this week or not, call her up (please don't text her, it's so impersonal!) and ask her out this Friday or Saturday NIGHT and see what she says. Good luck, OP. And let us know how everything goes! . First off, thanks so much for your input. I just signed up for LS today, and I'm really surprised at how helpful everyone is. Second, what if she says "ya! let's hangout this weekend, but I'm only available in the afternoon." Do I agree and definitely try for the kiss? Or do I decline and try to get her out on another night? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Good job on getting three dates with her, you are doing well! It's hard to say whether she really has feelings for you though. I would not worry about her only being available... many women have full social lives and won't be ready to give that up until they are in love with you... it might take another month for that to happen. I would actually not push for a Saturday night date. But there are some major moves you need to make: 1) Ask to pick her up from home for a date - Are you still just meeting this girl? First or second date from Online it's fine to meet, but if she won't let you pick her up from home, she's not falling for you or has issues. 2) You need to go for the first big kiss - you really should go for the first kiss within the first three dates... if she liked you to begin with, her interest could wane in the future if you don't. Interesting that you say I shouldn't push for a night time date, but I think you're right. It doesn't need to be dark out to try for the kiss. I'm concerned about her thinking I'm not into her or the spark fading. Also, we live in a major city with public transportation and don't have cars. It seems pretty normal to "meet up". However despite this do you think I should still push to "pick her up" from her apartment? I would totally be up for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Dybbuk Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Personally, if I were you I'd trying to suggest another night. I feel that 4 dates is enough to warrant a weekend evening date (Plus a weekend evening date, will set the mood for a nice first kiss.). If she seems evasive about it, then chances are she's holding those nights for someone else. At that point it's up to you on how you want to proceed. I personally wouldn't invest any more time/money on her if she can't carve out one weekend night for you especially after 3 dates. I would reopen up my options and keep searching. Remember, don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Hmm sounds like you're drifting into the friendzone. You listed a lot of reasons to be wary of this girl - you're probably just an option to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soithascometothis Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Hmm sounds like you're drifting into the friendzone. You listed a lot of reasons to be wary of this girl - you're probably just an option to her. It sucks that I really like this girl too, but I cant let that cloud the signals. Here is my plan: Call her up (no texting), ask her out for dinner on friday or saturday night. I'll have a time and place ready to go. If she says yes, then awesome. I will be bold and go for the kiss at the end of the night. If she says she's only available during the day, then I'll say I'm busy and stop contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Also, we live in a major city with public transportation and don't have cars. It seems pretty normal to "meet up". However despite this do you think I should still push to "pick her up" from her apartment? I would totally be up for this. - Right, I should have asked you about this, this possibility... that you live in a big city where public transport is the norm, it did cross my mind. Disregard what I said about picking her up at home. But at some point, you want to get her to your home or hers so you can have a makeout session (not necessarily sex). That first big kiss needs to happen soon, however, just focus on that for now. Just go for the first kiss on the next date, and keep dating her, if all continues to go well... we date to get them around us so they fall in love. Link to post Share on other sites
soyou Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 C'mon everyone. She has a life before she meets him. She may be a very social person which is tied down with many plans ahead of her. She is just back from a business trip as the OP mentions. Time to catch up with friends. It's just 3 dates. You cant expect her to give up or sacrifice her lifestyle or friends for you. If I'm having a date with my friends and the guy I like ask me to go out on the same day and time, I'd surely choose my friends over him. Friends are forever while a date may just disappear after a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
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