johncarl Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 So, my situation is this: - divorced father of 3 - kids stay with their mom mostly but also stay with me every week for at least two days - have been dating the same woman for two years The woman I am dating is a very sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman who is the same age. She has no kids of her own and hasn't been married, but did have a long-term common-law relationship for over five years before we met. We have had significant ups and downs and even broke up for a few months then got back together. Before we broke up things were really rough. She was very insecure and difficult. She did not like that I have a civil relationship with my ex-wife for the sake of the kids and we live in different cities and she was very difficult when I wouldn't see her for a week. I spent a lot of time with her the first time around because my work enabled it. But I missed out on time with my kids and I regret that. She didn't meet my kids for the longest time, which really upset me because it was hard to juggle things: my weekends were with my kids which is always awesome but she would be very whiny on weekends because she missed me. It got to be a lot and I became resentful and angry. She did a couple of things that were just over the top and I had it and broke it off. Then we got back together after a break. I have changed altering my schedule with my kids to be with anyone else or anything: I tailor my work schedule around my time with my kids and every other thing in my life is tailored around my time with my kids. She understands that now, but didn't then. Since we got back together, things have generally been good. She met my kids right away and that has gone very well. We went through another rough patch though: I did not feel supported from her while I was going through a very difficult time with my health. She wasn't very understanding. She also picked on my a lot and was very bossy and in my view controlling. I met another woman who was incredibly sweet to me. When my girlfriend found out, she got very upset of course and we started talking about whether or not I was happy. She changed her behaviour a fair bit after that. I suppose I am still somewhat resentful that she changed her behaviour after she found out I was being unfaithful. I also hooked up with a few women for one-night stands. And I told her about it when she found out about the other woman: which was an emotional affair. I suppose there is a fair bit of baggage with our relationship. So here is where things are at right now: - I am cheating on my girlfriend with another woman. The other woman, J, knows about my girlfriend D, but not vice-versa. - My girlfriend wants to quit her job and move to live with me. She's looking for employment in the community I live in. - I am having serious second thoughts about moving forward with my girlfriend, D. For a number of reasons I suppose. Some of those reasons are kind of "big" like she's still pretty controlling, she picks at me and criticizes me (not all the time, but often enough), and I am not certain that she can handle the drama of my family-life to be totally honest. Some of the reasons, however, are pretty....shallow? E.g. I have good luck with a lot of women. As arrogant as it might sound - a lot of women like me. I'm professional, intelligent, charming, and treat women well (apart from cheating on them) and I am a really awesome dad. Women my age tend to like these qualities. I'm not model, but I have all my teeth and I don't dress like a slob which is a lot more than I can say for about 75% of the men my age. So I have good luck with women and I like dating lots of women. It's fun and it makes me feel good about myself. I don't want to hear a moral lesson. I'm not asking to be judged. I know I have baggage, I know I'm insecure, I know I am as far from perfect as it comes short of being a criminal or a sociopath. I'm asking, like rationally and reasonably what should I do? A lot of people will ask "How would you feel if it was reversed and she was cheating on you?" And honestly, I don't think it would be a huge deal. She already hurt as much as any person could by not supporting what I needed to do for my kids a couple of years ago and by not supporting me when my health was threatened this past year. Cheating on me? Big deal - women have cheated on me before. If my girlfriend D cheated on me, I would think "Well, I'm not really surprised." So this is long and I don't think it's terribly clear. I apologize. And thanks to anyone who offers up some feedback because I would really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I think right away you need to let her know you are seeing other women and plan to keep doing that and by no means should she make any changes to her life to accommodate you until such time as you two are exclusive and things working out. I think she's already been more flexible that many people would be. And I really believe you are right that family life will only further stress her out. You don't like her overall demeanor (controlling). To me, she's made too many adjustments already to try to make this work. It's not easy blending in with someone else's family. I really just think you should tell her you're not ready for her to come be with you and may never be. Focus on your kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 - I am cheating on my girlfriend with another woman. The other woman, J, knows about my girlfriend D, but not vice-versa. You go. By cheating you already picked. Stick with that decision & move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You sound like you already have contempt and disrespect for her. There's not much way back from this. So it's a no brainer. Break up for good. It will be the best for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I liked your post, it's always nice to see someone being very honest. I will say that you and your girlfriend don't seem right for each other. I was in your shoes recently and I know it's a tough decision. I ended up taking the big step and ended it...the end result is that I'm a lot happier. Good luck to you! Make sure to spend a LOT of time with the children in regards to removing her from their lives (if they are indeed close with her.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Your blatant disregard for your girlfriend's health (by cheating on her with several other women) and your obvious disrespect for her as well as for the monogamous commitment that you were supposed to share with her leads me to only one conclusion: You should break up with your girlfriend as soon as possible. Your girlfriend deserves someone better in her life who will love her, remain sexually and emotionally faithful to her and who will respect her. Her actions and behavior towards you wasn't right - but what you did was a million times worse than anything she has ever done to you. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author johncarl Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Well this is all helpful, so thanks to those who gave me some feedback. So the next thing I want to ask for some advice and perspective on is: how do I go about doing the break-up? I mean, what is the "best" way recognizing that breaking up with someone is hard? Do I sit down with my girlfriend and say "I'm sorry but I don't think things are working out. I'm not ready for us to be together?" And then do I go with blatant, unfiltered honesty if she asks for specifics? I know people are different, so that's part of the reason I would really appreciate different perspectives..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 well don't say the "ready" part. That implies potential to get back together or do it at another time. And that's not really the issue, is it? Due to length of time together and intensity of your relationship, I think a detailed discussion is warranted though there may not really be a point. I think the way you have described your position is rather cruel and selfish of you, to be honest. And would only serve to be hurtful. If you can frame some of these same sentiments in your head but present them in a manner that indicates the real problems: i don't think we will ever be on the same page, i don't think we bring out the best in one another, we want a different type of relationship, then I think you will have a legit discussion. It's probably very hard to change your way of processing and communicating your thoughts overnight or in relatively short time of when you plan to do break up---as well as keep this mode of communicating intact when you are in heat of breaking up with her and whatever curve balls she will be throwing your way. If the message you are trying to get across is your own responsibility in the failure of this relationship you may have more success. Bottom line there really is no ideal way. Some of the wording you have used in your explanations here is among the worst though. Surely you can do better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Neither of you are teenagers, so you can act like an adult. You've both been in long term relationships, so you're both aware that sometimes they come to an end. You say this: Matilda, I've been doing some thinking, and it has become clear to me that I'm not fully committed to the future of this relationship. You're a perfectly wonderful person, and there is no reason in particular other than I'm just not feeling it. You deserve better than what I can give you, so I think we shouldn't see each other any more. You might see me out with other women sooner than you're prepared for, so I just want to be up front about that, and prepare you for that possibility. I've enjoyed spending this time getting to know you, but I'm afraid this is as far as I go with it. Good luck. Will it hurt her? Given that she wants to move in with you, yeah, probably, but that's not really your responsibility or concern. Your responsibility is to do this, and to do it quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I know the breakup is TOUGH. But it must be done. Tips: Don't do it at 2am. Don't lie about why you are breaking up with her. Make sure the kids aren't staying with you that night/day. Expect woman rage. The next day will be better, just get through it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author johncarl Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks to everyone for providing feedback. It has all been helpful and I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well, there's cheating going on... and then there's breakups too.... we call them breakups because they are broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts