Question for men ??? RL

[DatingDirection]

This question is for men out there: What would you do if you found out your girlfriend had a really traumatic childhood, and a history of being abused and neglected starting at a really early age? But you would never know it, knowing who she is as an adult, she's responsible, funny, and kind as an adult, but had a traumatic childhood, for example, let say she tells you that when she was 5 years old, her parents cars were set on fire, b/c her dad owed someone money, and she saw her parents cars blow up in front of her house. stuff like that, your reactions?

[Auspecial]

I am curious to read your responses from men. Since I'm here, I'll go ahead and put my two cents in, since I know a lot of people who had trauma at an early age.

 

 

To state the obvious: trauma at any age can have a lifelong effect, and trauma at a pre-memory or childhood age can be both lifelong and insidious. There can be severe circumstances and mild effects, and bad circumstances with severe effects.

 

 

My suggestion:

 

 

1. Don't assume anything. Don't jump to conclusions about how these events may or may not have affected her. She is an individual. As you say, she has a solid life.

 

 

2. Ask her about it and talk if she feels like talking but don't push it. It is her past history, after all. Just be available, and that's all.

 

 

3. Don't start looking for red herrings (false alarms that throw you off), like one day she gets upset at something that "you yourself" would not be upset by....that doesn't suddenly mean she is upset because she was traumatized at an early age. It means she is upset right now over something thats happening right now.

[Macattack]

Not a chance unless you have already dealt with your issues if you have any. I was dating someone with these kind of issues. It was too much, she only pulled me down and then left me. I heard of other men experiencing this.

[torturedartist]

This question is for men out there: What would you do if you found out your girlfriend had a really traumatic childhood, and a history of being abused and neglected starting at a really early age? But you would never know it, knowing who she is as an adult, she's responsible, funny, and kind as an adult, but had a traumatic childhood, for example, let say she tells you that when she was 5 years old, her parents cars were set on fire, b/c her dad owed someone money, and she saw her parents cars blow up in front of her house. stuff like that, your reactions?

 

As far as seeing your parents' car getting blown up in front of your house because your Dad owed someone money, my question would be, which Godfather movie did you come out of?

 

I'm not saying your story isn't true, but it does really wreak of Hollywood cliche. So you might consider revising it to one that the average person wouldn't be so inclined to call BS on.

 

That aside, I'll tell you that I see a woman's ability to make it through a rough childhood in one piece as strength of character on her part. I was initially very attracted to my last girlfriend for the fact that she'd grown up with such adversity in her life (she was adopted and her adoptive parents were abusive alcoholics) and yet, seemed more balanced than most women I know. She was even able to put up with me for 3 years, which confirms that she had some pretty serious strength of character going.

[SawtoothMars]

This question is for men out there: What would you do if you found out your girlfriend had a really traumatic childhood, and a history of being abused and neglected starting at a really early age? But you would never know it, knowing who she is as an adult, she's responsible, funny, and kind as an adult, but had a traumatic childhood, for example, let say she tells you that when she was 5 years old, her parents cars were set on fire, b/c her dad owed someone money, and she saw her parents cars blow up in front of her house. stuff like that, your reactions?

 

I can't speak for other guys... but I judge people based on past actions, not past circumstances. It is not what happens to you, but how you respond to it.

 

Does that make sense?

[Gary S]

As long as she does not have excess emotional baggage from it that causes problems, and/or handles herself well, that's what matters.

 

It's a sad thing to say, but some people have too much emotional baggage/issues.

 

Date people who are better off than you are and you'll have a lot less problems.

[carhill]

Having dealt with this in my M, my takeaway is that I'm now a lot more circumspect and less likely to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

However, if such revelations are in passing and the person isn't currently demonizing their family with voodoo dolls and ritual killings, I'd be more inclined to give it a shot since, by the time one is in their 50's, or older, they should have worked that stuff out.

 

I found the issues to be three-fold:

 

1. The past abuse colored our adult interactions

2. Ragging on the family dynamics in real time, in the present, even though the events were long in the past.

3. Ragging on me for having a relatively calm and uneventful childhood, like it was a bad thing.

 

I won't be revisiting that kind of dynamic anytime soon; heh, never. Some other guy who tunes it out or has a thick skin can deal with that. I'll pass.

[DatingDirection]

obviously, that girl opened up to you way too fast. im talking about opening up the above issues after 2-5 years of being together in a relationship.

[carhill]

If the issues are serious, they'll come to light long before 2-5 years, since interactions with family and friends are normal for a couple, or even dating partners. I got my first inklings about my exW as soon as I started meeting her family (mother, sister, brothers, etc) and observed the family dynamics and listened. Yeah, specific details didn't come to light for many months, but the early indicators were there almost immediately. I would say the first spate came up around 8-10 months in when we were dating and did some holiday stuff with my mom. That's when the comparisons started.

 

Can some people bury it down and hide it for years? Sure. Just hasn't been commonplace with the women I've dated who've been abused. I usually got wind pretty early. Whether or not I paid attention to the direction the wind was blowing was my own choice.

[LoveRefreshed]

Having had an alcoholic mother who I didn't know until I was 10, who had a anger problem, and then relapsed and became homeless.. a dad who was a cocaine addict and brought shady people into our lives constantly.. being bullied in school and having 0 friends, I can say that she sounds similar to me. I am always known to be funny and the life of a party, super kind and caring with tons of friends, but it is all just a defense to keep people out.

 

My past traumas have caused me a lot of problems in trying to emotionally open up with someone. It is hard, doesn't really feel in my control. At any moment I am ready to cut and run from people and usually after I open up a little soon or fast, I usually withdraw and fade.

 

However, once I have found someone to open up fully to, the amazing feeling it gives of being fully vulnerable and honest with someone is awesome. I think we are normal people otherwise, we just have a hard time making connections because of our history. I would have no problem dating her but never ever think she needs fixing and that you'll be the person to do that.

[Gloria25]

Well, I'm obviously not a guy, but from what I've seen/heard is that the problems start if the woman still carries those scars from her childhood into future RLs.

 

My last FWB, he said his wife was abused and she was a mean, withholding person. She didn't like and/or want sex. She made up excuses ranging from having an "infection" down there, to just didn't care.

 

Worst, she didn't want to do a thing about it. He suggested going to the doctor, therapy and she didn't want to.

 

IMO, unless your childhood issues are something that's gonna affect your current RLs, I don't see why you should tell someone. And, from what I've seen, childhood trauma only is an issue if the woman didn't deal with it and moved on.

 

I've seen rape victims turn into counselors and help others, they also move on and have healthy marriages/kids. Some don't. Some turn to drugs, self hatred, and there you go.

[GivingItAshot]

little reaction if any. What person hasn't had previous issues in their life? Of course there are various degrees to those issues, but still. Everyone seems to have been traumatized by something stemming from their past. The real question is does it change the way you act today...