how to make my brother see the light?

[joyfulgirl79]

Here's the story, my family and I are getting to the point where we don't know what to do. We generally mind our own business, but we are getting tired of watching him get manipulated.

 

It's a long story, but here's the condensed version. He got involved with a married woman. Shouldn't have done so, but I have since seen the texts and facebook messages ( more on why later) where she describes her husband as abusive, how she has intense feelings for him, their relationship means everything, falling in love blah blah blah. obviously, he fell for it.

 

A child was conceived. She moved out of her husbands house, in with my brother. Everything was fine, until he came home one day, saw a note on his bed, she had left, gone back to her husband, wanted no contact with my brother.

 

My brother approached a couple of lawyers, both of whom basically said " dude....she's married to him? having a baby? nothing we can do"

 

The third lawyer took it on when he was able to produce pages upon pages of her proclaiming her love.....talking about how they were going to raise the baby and so on. Paternity tests done, is my nephew.

 

My brother gets partial custody and pays child support. The child is named after the husband. He is being raised as his " son" During this time, husband gets in a bike accident, traumatic head injury. Ends up in hospital for months.

 

My nephews mother is " depressed" and " stressed out"...so my brother aside from his days with his son, goes over to her house after work on her days to help her with baby and house stuff. Does this the whole time. They start working on " their relationship" she is going to finally leave her husband, so she says.

 

Husband comes home for one week, gets drunk, falls down stairs and dies. yup.

 

Nephew's mother is now this grieving widow. FB photos, everything...now, in her defense it must have been difficult.

 

My brother keeps helping her out on her days with child.

 

She tells him her therapist told her she " needs to sleep with other people"

 

She starts dating. Eventually, meets someone " she fell in love with"

 

Cut off all contact with my brother once again.

 

That relationship recently ended. She has decided they are now best friends. He still has their son his 50 % of the time....

 

It's winter, she's moving, she has a bad back. He is there most nights helping her. He is in love with her. He is tormenting himself with the belief they will get back together.

 

This is only a brief summary of some of the things she has put him through.

 

Never mind the fact she's going to end up completely messing up my nephew...pictures of the dead husband all through his room and he's being taught at three " you have two daddies"

 

never mind the endless fb posts where she moans about her difficult her life is and how strong she is to be all alone in this situation. Which is insulting to us, as we all help with the child.

 

He is completely caught up in believing they will be together again and a family. I literally cried on the phone to him begging him to see how little she respects him.

 

I know in reality there's not much I can do to help him, but he's been through a lot, and I don't want to see him be blind sided AGAIN when she meets the next " love of her life".

 

He's a great guy. Therapy has been suggested to him, but he doesn't see it as anything wrong.

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry, there is nothing funny about this situation, but the line about her therapist telling her to sleep with other people is just...it's too much, I couldn't help myself. I'm no expert but...pretty sure that is a fat lie if I ever read about one.

 

You have my empathy to the fullest, as someone who has watched her sister live out a timultous marriage complete with 4 affairs, the death of a child, etc. etc. etc. I know how terrible and helpless and never endingly frustrating having to be a bystander is when its your sibling who just doesn't get it. So, it's been about 8 years of this toxic, dysfunctional crap, and she finally had enough for good last year. Their divorce was just finalized last week.

 

Unfortunately, after getting out of that mess she jumped into a RS with another man and got pregnant quite quickly after and he is just as unstable, emotionally abusive, and childish as the last A-hole.

 

So, while the other guy was a problem (just as in your bro's case Lucifer is also a problem) the true problem is why your brother chose to get involved, stay involved, and is still involved despite all of the rest of you clearly being able to see the problem. Which is why there is truly nothing you can do. You can ride it out and hope that your brother is able to get himself some kind of counselling that will allow him to be reflective on why he chose to get involved in an appropriate relationship in the first place, and why he chose to continue pursuing her even after she was out diddling the town.

 

You said that he sees nothing wrong with anything, well, that right there is proof of my point; the problem is him. There is some reason he's with the she-devil and if it isn't her, he will end up with someone just like her until he comes to the awareness on his own, that this is destructive, unstable, and a problem.

 

Now, for your own sanity...believe me, I have been down the road of tears many times on this. I have learned the importance of focusing on my own life. I couldn't then and I cannot now save my sister from her life. The same goes for your brother. There is no amount of talking, begging, crying, pleading. I wish there was, there just isn't. So, what you can do is remove yourself from the eye of the storm (or at least greatly reduce your presence within it).

 

Keep your relationship removed from any discussion about what is going on with the she-devil. Next time he brings it up (if that is what happens) tell him firmly you want a relationship with him, but you will not allow her to be a part of it so all discussions, complaints, etc. of her need to re-directed to someone else. This will probably change your relationship drastically, it certainly has changed mine but you know what? My sanity has been worth that. Do the same with parents and relatives; make it known that you will know longer be a part of the dialogue about her and that you don't want to hear about what screwed up thing she has done this time. It's not a perfect solution but distancing myself from that drama-rama and focusing on my life and my goals has made me much happier and much less stressed out. You are not a martyr and no amount of throwing yourself on the wood fire is going to result in saving your brother from his poor decisions or fix what is broken in him that caused him to choose and continue to stay in this situation in the first place.

 

I wish you all the best, I know how this crap feels.

[preraph]

No mention of how old everyone is. If still young, she could mature and decide to be with your brother. But you're right, he shouldn't be counting on it since she left him. This poor woman has a whole lot to sort out, and she's going to have guilt on top of grief. She's probably not going to be whole for a long time. I'm glad she's seeing a therapist, and I doubt the therapist told her that in those exact words. But it doesn't matter. If that's what she needs to do to ease some of the trauma, then fine.

 

You're all being great about keeping up your end of it and your brother as well. What you must make him understand is that she cheated on the husband, got pregnant by another man, and then the man died. He needs to realize she is going to be trying to anesthetize this pain and guilt for decades to come. It's highly unlikely she will be anybody's functioning girlfriend anytime in the foreseeable future. Please try to make him understand he cannot make her whole, even if she was willing to let him try, and that he must keep his eye on the ball, that being making a living and supporting his child in every way possible.

 

Best of luck with this sad turn of events.

[bubbaganoosh]

There isn't a thing you can do about this. If you or your family try turning the heat up on him or her, you'll do nothing but push him to prove that your wrong and all that does is distance himself further from his family.

 

I went through this. I was your brother. I got involved with a girl (not married) and she wasn't (now that I think about it) who you want to bring home to meet Mom. My family tried and I dug my heels in deeper then I got the wake up call and saw what they did but no after some real bad times with her.

 

Once I saw the errors of my ways I was able to still have a family to come back to. I had to learn on my own. Yeah my family wanted to help but unless I wanted to help myself, they couldn't do anything.

[joyfulgirl79]

I agree about the guilt and grief. Why I've been so patient with her for the past year and a half.

 

She is 37, he is 36.

 

I guess the only thing we can do is stand by. It's just hard to watch him run himself haggard and knowing she's using him to some degree.

 

Her latest thing is telling him " we were never in a relationship" . She also tells him how much she loves us and wants to be part of our family. He is her " best friend".

 

It's just sad all around. He started seeing a very nice woman shortly before my nephews mother break up with her bf, and of course, she ended things when she realized what a hold this woman has on him.