freetolove Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I've been dating this guy for about 2 months. (both in 30s). He's a great guy but there's a few strange quirks that's bothering me. The way he laughs is really loud and obnoxious but overall he's a great person. Thoughtful and kind. We've slept together twice and each time I didn't enjoy it much. He is extremely sexually needy/eager. I have a strong sexual appetite but his neediness is completely turning me off (and making me feel suffocated). I brought it up and asked him to back off a little. I've been with men where I just can't wait to rip their clothes off so I'm trying to figure out if the chemistry is just not good enough or should I give it a little more time. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 It sounds to me like you slept with this guy too soon. His laugh annoys you? Isn't that something you ascertain around the...oh, I don't know...FIRST DATE??? You made your bed, now don't lie in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I've been dating this guy for about 2 months. (both in 30s). He's a great guy but there's a few strange quirks that's bothering me. The way he laughs is really loud and obnoxious but overall he's a great person. Thoughtful and kind. We've slept together twice and each time I didn't enjoy it much. He is extremely sexually needy/eager. I have a strong sexual appetite but his neediness is completely turning me off (and making me feel suffocated). I brought it up and asked him to back off a little. I've been with men where I just can't wait to rip their clothes off so I'm trying to figure out if the chemistry is just not good enough or should I give it a little more time. If the sex is bad, all other issues are going to be magnified. Move on to someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 It sounds to me like you slept with this guy too soon. What does it have to do with anything? The sex would have been bad after 6 months too. OP: Sexual comparability is important for a relationship to develop to its full potential. If you have talked about the issue and you don't see an improvement after a few times, then it's a dead-end. It's annoying you now and you are in honeymoon phase, imagine how you won't be able to stand sex with him in a year. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Breaking Up Over Bad Sex? Indeed, a very valid reason, since sex and the attendant intimacy are a huge part of romantic relationships for most people. IMO, call it a miss and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I wouldn't stay with someone if the sex wasn't good. Add in other issues, and it's time to move on. Good sex can take several tries to figure out with someone new, so two times may not tell the whole story - but you were there and can probably evaluate potential and attitude and tell if it's not going to work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Yeah, I would agree there's a ramp-up to the logistical side of sex, getting in the groove; in the OP's case, to me her desire seems lukewarm, from the way the man's laugh annoys her to her analysis of his behavior. If she were really attracted, such analysis wouldn't be happening and there would be more energy going into blowing the top of his head off in the sack. This is so important, IMO, and it's not anyone's 'fault' if it doesn't happen. That's just life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 depends on what makes the sex bad. If it can be improved, then sure, I would stay. All women are different, as are all men (I would guess) and sometimes we need to learn what a specific girl is into. He should be able to read your body language to tell if you're not into something so much though. I mean, mostly we should be able to make it decent if you have some experience. However, maybe he has only had one partner before... You could try and talk to him about what you need him to do differently in bed. This is the 21st century. We can have an open discourse about our sexual preferences, expectations, and needs. If he is getting off too soon, well maybe you're just getting him to excited, he should give you more foreplay, and that also usually gets better with time. If it is real bad..well who knows. You know what doesn't change.. the natural things about us, like our voice and the way we laugh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 What does it have to do with anything? The sex would have been bad after 6 months too. OP: Sexual comparability is important for a relationship to develop to its full potential. If you have talked about the issue and you don't see an improvement after a few times, then it's a dead-end. It's annoying you now and you are in honeymoon phase, imagine how you won't be able to stand sex with him in a year. What does sleeping with the guy too soon have to do with anything? She finds quirks about the guy obnoxious, such as his laugh. You don't have to get into bed with someone to determine that. He's sexually eager and needy? You don't have to jump in the sack for that, either. All this can be gauged by getting to know someone before sleeping with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 The last guy I really cared about treated me wonderfully, but the sex was the worst I ever had. He was very very small (like the size of my thumb when hard), and he needed his nipples rubbed in order to climax. It made me completely dread having sex with him. We broke up for other reasons, but since I did care about him and wanted something long term I knew that if we lasted the sex issue would become a real problem. So I didn't break up with him because of the sex, but even though I was devastated when we did break up a part of me was still relieved that I wouldn't have to go through that awkward terrible sex anymore. I don't know how much longer I could have pretended it wasn't a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 All this can be gauged by getting to know someone before sleeping with them. Who cares? She didn't say she regretted sleeping with him, just questioned whether she should continue to do so. Sex is not a bad thing. If I really liked aguy, I'd see if the sex could improve with effort and lots of practice, but that doesn't sound like the case, and life is too short for subpar sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Who cares? She didn't say she regretted sleeping with him, just questioned whether she should continue to do so. Sex is not a bad thing. If I really liked aguy, I'd see if the sex could improve with effort and lots of practice, but that doesn't sound like the case, and life is too short for subpar sex. She doesn't enjoy the sex. Necessarily, she shouldn't have it with the guy. What's the dilemma? She already slept with him. There's greater responsibility to each other now. One would hope. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 It's not a good match. If it feels yucky, maybe your body knows something you'd eventually find out anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 He's sexually eager and needy? You don't have to jump in the sack for that, either. . HUH? then how do you know if he's sexually eager and needy without sleeping with him? Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 HUH? then how do you know if he's sexually eager and needy without sleeping with him? So, a woman can't tell if a guy is eager to get in her drawers? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So, a woman can't tell if a guy is eager to get in her drawers? Is he needy and eager IN bed or he is needy and eager to get TO bed? I understood he is needy and eager IN bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Semantics. Hey, ya' got me. IN, TO, BY, THROUGH. Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go. If he's eager to get TO bed, I think that makes him a narcoleptic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author freetolove Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the inputs so far. The thing is he is a good person. My goal is to find someone who will be a good husband and father to my children (don't exist yet). He's very thoughtful but similar to the girl with the ex with the thumb penis, I'm starting to dread sex with him. Sex is no the only thing I care about, I have other values as well. There's a sort of air of desperation when it comes to his desire for sex and it's definitely a turn off. He watches a lot of porn (found a few porn sites on his computer) which I don't mind but maybe he's been masterbating too much. Either way, thank you for your input. I'll spend one more weekend with him and if I still feel the same way, I'll break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the inputs so far. The thing is he is a good person. My goal is to find someone who will be a good husband and father to my children (don't exist yet). I am much older than you and was married for many years. If sex is not good with the man you pick for a husband you will have a long boring marriage. When life gets hectic and crazy like it can be when you raise a family and the only moment of the day you can be alone with your husband is in bed at night, it better be a place you enjoy being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the inputs so far. The thing is he is a good person. My goal is to find someone who will be a good husband and father to my children (don't exist yet). He's very thoughtful but similar to the girl with the ex with the thumb penis, I'm starting to dread sex with him. Sex is no the only thing I care about, I have other values as well. There's a sort of air of desperation when it comes to his desire for sex and it's definitely a turn off. He watches a lot of porn (found a few porn sites on his computer) which I don't mind but maybe he's been masterbating too much. Either way, thank you for your input. I'll spend one more weekend with him and if I still feel the same way, I'll break up with him. Ah, the dreaded thumb penis. Well, OP, you might consider his porn addiction another way: masturbating to that is energy taken away from sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well, OP, you might consider his porn addiction another way: masturbating to that is energy taken away from sex with you. My ex who I dated for 2 and a half years had a porn addiction. He never initiated sex with me and it was always me having to initiate which felt weird. But he would watch porn a lot instead. It felt horrible. It was so lonely to be in a relationship like that because at the time we were both having to do university exams and were very busy and the amount of affection I got was lacking. I tried to discuss this with him to solve the problem but he would always avoid it and lash out. He also said it was my fault because I didn't turn him on enough and that 'I respect you too much to have sex with you'. I loved the guy so I stuck with it despite my deep unhappiness and discomfort. Bad idea. I ended up cheating on him. Now I don't recommend anyone follow my lack of moral standards at the time... But I'm just saying, it's better to get out if you're unhappy rather than get stuck in it being a victim and martyr to the situation. People say it's just sex but to me it was tied into my overall self-esteem - to be with a guy who doesn't want to ravish you is horrible. It feels like a rejection. I think OP is doing the sensible thing by taking a step back, setting a deadline to see if feelings might change and then just backing out of it altogether. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 UI wouldn't stay with someone if the sex wasn't good. Add in other issues, and it's time to move on. Good sex can take several tries to figure out with someone new, so two times may not tell the whole story - but you were there and can probably evaluate potential and attitude and tell if it's not going to work. I say try to work it out with him...not everyone has the same sexual experiences you know. Also, yes, with each new partner you sorta gotta figure out how you two can satisfy each other. I've never had guys complain cuz I take the same approach in the bedroom as I do in real life. I teach/taught myself stuff. I'm intuitive. I pay attention to his reaction. I'm self-motivated - in other words, I exercise initiative...If something needs to get done in the bedroom, I'm on it before you ask for it. Now the penis size thing? Why is it such an issue? Did he even try to make up with it with manual/oral? Did you two try a combo of penetration and manual stimulation? Again, see if he's willing to work on the bedroom...if not, launch. For me the issue is not knowing, it's lack of confidence and a willingness to be an apt pupil Who knows, you teaching him a trick or two can be something that spices up the routine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I came here to say sex 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've read this thread a few times and I really don't understand what you mean when you say "He is extremely sexually needy/eager." For example, do you mean he satisfies himself and not you when you have sex? Or does he want sex and you want him to make love to you? Or is there no foreplay? You don't have to provide details. All I can say is that sex and sexual compatibility are important in a relationship. If you're not feeling it and you're being turned off by having sex with him - and it's not something that can be corrected in time - then you're probably not compatible with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Personally I don't judge what the sex is going to really be like until at least a dozen times. The first time with a new partner is usually awkward, and can be even more times than that. It can take quite a few times to actually get comfortable, sexually with a new partner. But the annoying laugh comment is a red flag to me. Something about him (and it isn't just a laugh) doesn't sit totally right with you. There must be more than the laugh. If you really like him and you two are really hitting it off, the sex almost always improves but it sounds to me like you aren't completely sold on him. Link to post Share on other sites
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