Septemberblue Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) Hello, I've been see a man for a month now on POF and things have been going great. We haven't had sex yet because I told him I wanted to wait until we were in a relationship. He says he's okay with that but we have went to 3 base with each other. I try to talk to him everyday but over the past week I noticed that I been initiating more (out of the past 7 days he texted me first 3 times) and we've been on 4 dates so far, 3 of them have been sleepovers. I was looking at my profile today and I noticed that he has hidden his profile. I hid mine today as well. This has prompted me to think it's time for a talk with him to take it down completely. I don't want to move too soon but with the way our intimacy is going we're going to end up having sex soon and I want to have a talk soon before that happens. Any advice on what I should do? Thanks. Titbits of info that could mean nothing... I had a little minor thing yesterday (burnt myself with Nair) and I told him about. He said, "Scratching Nair off my possible gift list". like one day he's going to by me a gift. I thought it was cute. He posted some stuff about his job today and I liked it and commented. He liked my commented but didn't text me hello yet. Edited January 27, 2015 by Septemberblue Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 You need to stop having overnight dates if you don't want to sleep with him too soon. You are setting yourself up to fail and sending him the wrong message. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 You need to stop having overnight dates if you don't want to sleep with him too soon. You are setting yourself up to fail and sending him the wrong message. That wasn't my question but...you know...thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
AveryBean Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Trust your gut based on his actions. If he's not a good guy he would have no problem saying he wants to be in a relationship to get sex. Talk to him and see what he says.... but don't use sex as a bargaining tool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Trust your gut based on his actions. If he's not a good guy he would have no problem saying he wants to be in a relationship to get sex. Talk to him and see what he says.... but don't use sex as a bargaining tool. I get what you're saying but I don't know if I'm using sex as a "barginning tool". I've been in situations before where I had sex with no relationship and it backfired on me like you wouldn't believe. His profile said that he's "actively looking for a relationship" and mine says "looking for someone to marry" so he knows what I want Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Why don't you just ask him if you should take down your profile, or if he'd like to leave his up for a while? If you're going to do something as intimate as join body parts, you should be able to talk about it openly. That's the real intimacy, isn't it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I'd say if you want to take it down, take it down. It's very easy to put back up if things don't work out. My boyfriend and I were having sex for a couple of months before I officially deactivated my OLD account. At that point, it didn't "mean" anything. I wasn't looking for anyone else, and neither was he. The messages I did get I ignored. I never logged on, either. My point is, sometimes we place too much significance on these little outward signifiers. If you want to initiate "the talk," do so. His reaction will be telling. Link to post Share on other sites
paigej91 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Never assume ANYTHING until you have "the talk". Just recently I had seriously been dating a man for 4.5 months and it seemed like we were basically about to seal the deal, and he left without saying anything. Protect yourself and make sure it's official before taking down your profile. Keep your options open. It might even make him jealous/more motivated to seal the deal 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Why should he take down his profile when you two barely know each other, haven't had sex, etc? People pay money for OLD...shouldn't have to take it down every time they "think" they met someone. I think hiding it was a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 So I asked him about it and he says, "It's been hidden forever, but I re-hid it for a short time when I re-did my profile." That doesn't even make any sense because you don't have to unhide your profile to update it. And also, I looked at his profile again and it says, " If you are interested in finding out more, message me ;)" How is someone going to message you if your profile is hidden and can't find you in a search? I feel like he lied to me but I can't figure out why. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Hey you, how about just having an open and honest talk, you know, where actual communication skills are used and you don't have to resort to guessing what he is talking about. You are talking about taking down a profile when you two aren't even in a relationship or haven't even had sex? This actually shouldn't even be a question. You two are just two adult friends who are having slumber parties. That's about it. At least for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So I asked him about it and he says, "It's been hidden forever, but I re-hid it for a short time when I re-did my profile." That doesn't even make any sense because you don't have to unhide your profile to update it. And also, I looked at his profile again and it says, " If you are interested in finding out more, message me ;)" How is someone going to message you if your profile is hidden and can't find you in a search? I feel like he lied to me but I can't figure out why. Easy, he goes online and sends messages to profiles he is interested in. How did you ask him about it exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I tend to recommend not to put pressure on anything at any time of a budding relationship just notice what they do. I never asked a man to take his profile down. I simply didn't sleep with them until they did. It came naturally. If I slept with someone, yeah, they should have their profile down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Easy, he goes online and sends messages to profiles he is interested in. How did you ask him about it exactly? I said," Hey. I noticed last night that you hid your profile on POF. I know because I was in the middle of hiding mine . Was it always hidden and I just didn't notice?" I said it in a text to keep it light. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well ... that might be a conversation better had in person. You have no need to be ashamed for asking a question like that. You're not asking him to take his down—no pressure—you're just curious about yours. Edited to say: we women are especially careful to "keep things light," but I always maintain (not having done it myself all the time) that men who are worth it will not balk at relationship talk. It won't upset them to hear what you have to say. It may be awkward, or he may not agree, but he won't be upset. Much easier said than done, I know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I said," Hey. I noticed last night that you hid your profile on POF. I know because I was in the middle of hiding mine . Was it always hidden and I just didn't notice?" I said it in a text to keep it light. Asking a light question got you a light answer. To me his answer indicates he did not hide his profile for you. It just something he does like hide and unhide. I do that too. If you are both on pof even if he's hidden you can still see if he's been online daily with his hidden profile. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I wouldn't stress too much over his hiding (or not hiding) his profile. I realize it gives you an extra level of comfort knowing he's not looking for someone else and no-one from POF is messaging him if his profile is taken down completely. But you can't stop him from doing what he wants to do - if he wants to check out other women's profiles, he'll find a way to do it. As long as you're exclusive, you're in a monogamous relationship, and the relationship is progressing then you have to rely on his integrity and his commitment to you and the relationship. A suggestion: I wouldn't text someone with questions that are important to me. Better to see/hear the reaction and respond to what is said when you're face to face. Also easier to diffuse in person something that is misunderstood or misinterpreted than trying to do it via text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks everybody. I think I went off the handle because we've been seeing each other every week and THIS week he didn't ask me to spend time with him. That's sort of threw me off balance. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks everybody. I think I went off the handle because we've been seeing each other every week and THIS week he didn't ask me to spend time with him. That's sort of threw me off balance. That's the real issue. Skipping weeks of seeing you is an important red flag. Watch what he's doing. Don't push, just watch. If he doesn't ask you out consistently, is better to cut bait asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks everybody. I think I went off the handle because we've been seeing each other every week and THIS week he didn't ask me to spend time with him. That's sort of threw me off balance. Why does it have to be him making plans all the time? You are both responsible for growing this relationship, no? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Instead of wondering, have the talk. Ask him why he decided to not see you for a week, and if you really like him ask for exclusivetivity. Guys don't like hints, codes or not getting to the point. If you are worried about scaring him away then this guy isn't that into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Why does it have to be him making plans all the time? You are both responsible for growing this relationship, no? I invited him to my place last week and he spent the night. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Yeah. In light of this revelation, it makes OP's question seem a bit passive-aggressive (no offense, OP, it's easy to do). A more direct way to go about it, instead of poking around to see if he's ostensibly trying to meet anyone else, would be to see why he hasn't come around this week, or to ask him out yourself and see what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I invited him to my place last week and he spent the night. Do you talk every day? How many times you saw each other so far? So if I recapitulate. You invited him to your place last week, that would have been your 2nd or 3rd date? (well not a real date anyway) and sex didn't happen, now he's skipping doing something with you this weekend and he's fixing things here and there on his profile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Septemberblue Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Do you talk every day? How many times you saw each other so far? So if I recapitulate. You invited him to your place last week, that would have been your 2nd or 3rd date? (well not a real date anyway) and sex didn't happen, now he's skipping doing something with you this weekend and he's fixing things here and there on his profile? We talk everyday. Although, I have been texting him a little more than he's been texting me. But if I don't text him he will text me just to say hi. I invited him to my place for our 4th date (We've seen each other 4 times). We're both really introverted so hanging out and watching a movie with each other is a date for us. Link to post Share on other sites
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