Why is it that i always manage to 'disappear' and/or sort of ignore my girlfriend?

[sk0r3]

Is it wrong to just 'disappear' w/out letting your partner know that you've decided to 'go away' and figure out your problems on your own for a while? This seems to be wrong, but i always manage to do it. The girl i'm w/ right now almost broke up w/ me because i had that disrespectful habit. She felt like i took her for granted. The thing is.. i'm not exactly aware that i'm doing it. I don't seem to knwo that what i'm doing is wrong. She says that if i'm busy she would at least like to hear from me that i'm busy.. as opposed to not hearing from me at all (what i did - 'disappear'). But the thing is, i just don't want to bother her about it. Y'know, she's usually having a great day and i don't want to get her down by saying so & so is happening w/ me right now.

 

Is something wrong with me? Or is this a typical communication problem that we seem to be having. I want to change, i really do. But i dont exactly know how i'm going to change this habit of mine. I've been doing this 'disappearing act' w/ my past relationships and i didn't get that much of a negative response. Well, she doesn't like it and that's all that matters. It's time to change. But i don't exactly know how. I just feel that when that time comes again i'm going to do it. And i don't want that to happen. How do i communicate even when i don't feel like communicating?

[SoleMate]

Is it wrong to just 'disappear' w/out letting your partner know that you've decided to 'go away' and figure out your problems on your own for a while?

Yes.

 

She says that if i'm busy she would at least like to hear from me that i'm busy.. as opposed to not hearing from me at all...but i just don't want to bother her about it....i don't want to get her down

She said that she wanted to hear from you. What part of that didn't you understand?

 

Well, she doesn't like it and that's all that matters. It's time to change.

OK, good.

 

But i don't exactly know how. I just feel that when that time comes again i'm going to do it. And i don't want that to happen. How do i communicate even when i don't feel like communicating?

Are you saying that it is very difficult to pick up the phone and say, "I would like to be alone this weekend"? If so, why? Dig down until you find the automatic thoughts that are making it hard for you to make this simple communication. Then you will know what you need to work on.

[tokyo]

sk0r3,

 

I wholeheartedly understand your girlfriend. I´ve been told I´m pushy and demand answers when he wasn´t ready to answer them... *sigh*. The problem here is not that you need time to think about your problems and she doesn´t get it, the problem lies in your negligence to communicate to your girlfriend that you need space for a while and want to be alone without telling her before.

 

I understand that people need time and want to be alone, but you must keep her informed that you want to be alone, disappearing is rude and kind of lacks respect, you wouldn´t want your girlfriend just to disappear without letting you know before, would you?

 

I can tell you how I feel, if someone cuts the contact with me with no explanation or doesn´t answer. I get very insecure and I´m angry, because I think that it shouldn´t be so hard to tell me what´s going on with a short note. Everybody is different in tackling a problem and I understand this, but I don´t like to be ignored and simply pushed aside. You don´t mean if of course, but your girlfriend might feel this way.

 

Next time just tell her before that you will be unavailable for a while and that´s really it, no big deal. No need to fuss with long explanations.

[sk0r3]

The problem here is not that you need time to think about your problems and she doesn´t get it, the problem lies in your negligence to communicate to your girlfriend that you need space for a while and want to be alone without telling her before.

 

this is what's happened. it's pretty childish but here it goes. my phone gets stolen some time last week. things are still dandy. on all saint's day i sponge off a friend to send her a txt message, at that time i had a meeting and was busy. the last thing i said to her was that i missed her.

 

after lugging around my bag which was a back pack completely filled with books i finally get home. feeling kinda crummy after a long and draining meeting, i see her online. i sort of wait for the "hey, how was the meeting? hope the traffic wasn't so hard on you" greeting but i didn't get anything. okay, didn't i just msg her to say how much i missed her? and i get nothing? okay, maybe she's busy or something. so i decide not to say anything neither.

 

i later find out that she was simply tired of initiating a conversation online. she said that she was always the one to do so and she was fed up with it.

 

great.

 

now you have two people expecting the other to initiate some form of conversation.

 

*smacks head on the wall*

 

i never ignored her. as a result though i guess i did, but never intentionally. we simply ignored each other.

 

now what the heck can we say about that? i really don't want something so juvenile to happen again

[Merin]

In your orginal post you said that you've always done the disappearing act in other relationships and none of the others seemed to mind all that much.. Think about that for a minute..

 

The other relationships didn't work out....

 

Obviously your girlfriend cares about you, or she wouldn't bother to wonder where you were right? So with that said.. find a new way of working through things, even if it's to call her as she's asked you to do.. when you need some time to sort things out.. and then be open enough to share with her whats going on in your life...

 

Sounds to me that if this disappearing act keeps up there could come a day when you show back up only to find her gone.

[sk0r3]

Originally posted by Merin2

In your orginal post you said that you've always done the disappearing act in other relationships and none of the others seemed to mind all that much.. Think about that for a minute..

 

now the difference, that i never mentioned, is that in those relationships there was some form of disagreement, a fight, a misunderstanding of some sort that had to be sorted out to begin with. as in, the disappearing act came as a result of the fight we had. in this case, this relationship, there is no form of disagreement, a fight, or misunderstanding to begin with.

 

look at my previous post: "now you have two people expecting the other to initiate some form of conversation." --there's no fight to begin with there.

 

what you have is two people expecting the other to initiate. as a result you get a stalemate. a deadlock. so by choices of our own, in essence, this is what has happened. absolutely nothing.

 

The other relationships didn't work out....

 

they didn't work out for other reasons. religion and family to be specific.

 

Obviously your girlfriend cares about you, or she wouldn't bother to wonder where you were right? So with that said.. find a new way of working through things, even if it's to call her as she's asked you to do.. when you need some time to sort things out.. and then be open enough to share with her whats going on in your life...

 

i agree.

 

Sounds to me that if this disappearing act keeps up there could come a day when you show back up only to find her gone.

 

hmm. i agree. but is it really me who's doing the disappearing? or does it just seem that way?

 

btw, just fyi, we see each other once twice a week at most but usually once a week. yes, we live far apart and our schedules make it difficult for us to see each other often.

[Merin]

Regret sometimes is harder to swallow in everything we NEVER told the people we love, then in the things we did...

 

Regardless of what you choose to do here.. I hope you won't allow pride or stubborness to prevent you from telling your girlfriend how you really feel about her or showing her that she means a lot to you.

 

Best wishes