rose27 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I knew he did cocaine when we first met (just occasionally) and I told him that I didn't like it so I refused to give him my number. He was being quite persistent and even promised me that he would never do it again as long as we were still dating. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and went out for coffee with him while he was straight. He was completely different and we connected on a deeper level, so I decided to give it a chance. Almost 12 months later, I'm starting to realise I probably should have stuck to my guns in the beginning. He works 6, sometimes 7 days a week but the minute he has a day off the next day, he'll be on it. He does it in front of me most of the time but I hate the person he is while he's on it, he's completely different. He also did it for 3 days straight when someone close to him died and he did it the night before Easter and Christmas Eve so he basically missed out on both occasions because he was sleeping the whole day. Today is Boxing Day and he promised that he would see me, but when I called him in the morning he was still asleep and said he didn't get to sleep until 5am so he would be sleeping all day. I was extremely upset and I told him off for being so irresponsible. Also, he says that he does this at home and not with anyone else. I have questioned him and he is an honest person (well as far as I know anyway) and he says that he does this to go numb as his brain runs a million miles and hour. I don't know how that is a valid reason to do it because I've never tried it before. I have been upfront and honest with him about how I feel, but he says he will get off it in his own time. Sometimes he even says that it's not that bad and will try to compare it with people who drink alcohol or have eating addictions etc. to try to justify what he is doing. I know I can't change him but I just hate that he has so much potential and he wastes some of his days doing this. I also work full time and I feel like we miss out on days where we can do things as a couple because of this problem. We have the most enjoyable times together when he is fully present and not on drugs. I am the type of woman who wants to spend days off with my man, I want to go on short trips together or experience new things as a couple. I don't know if I sound like I'm living in a fantasy world, but I see so many of my friends spending time with their partners while I feel like I'm still single most days. Am I expecting too much? I give him his space, but I feel like he is disrespecting me when he does it on the only two days he and I get off together when he knows I wanted to spend at least one of those days together. I still have his present under my tree! I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and I don't know if leaving him means that I'm giving up on him. I know so many people have in his life. His ex cheated on him and he has been hurt, but I am hurting too. All of these thoughts race through my mind like "What if he gets off drugs and meets someone else, all because I left?". Although that could be highly unlikely, anything is possible and I'd feel so bad if that did happen. I'm 28 and he is 30 and I'm at a stage in my life where I want to be serious and settle down. He says that he does too but I don't know how I could have children with him if he continues this lifestyle. I feel lost, upset and confused. Any advice would be much appreciated
insert_name Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 The bit about using it to slow his brain down could be legit. I worked with a programmer who was insanely intelligent and was known to be a copious user of energy drinks and cocaine to get him through the working day. He explained that his brain is so active that using stimulants helps to slow it down. That seems counter intuitive to me. I don't know what kind of brain you must have when you need to take to take those sorts of substances to cool it down, all I know is that when he tried to talk to us about the subject of his Phd thesis which was 'black holes in the 5th dimension' we suddenly started to realise that maybe the energy drinks and coke were justified after all 1
PogoStick Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Please do not get more invested in this relationship, and NEVER have kids with an addict. Personally, I wouldn't mind if a person does recreational drugs on occasion if it didn't cause other problems in their life. I'm not against drug use at all, but I am against addiction that causes problems. He's right, it isn't much different that using alcohol for recreation, and I bet you don't want to be with an alcoholic either. Honestly, you should end the relationship. You're not getting what you want out of it. The danger is you give him another chance and he cleans up for a while, but then the cycle repeats. Don't get in so deep that you can't get out. 2
SomeDude16 Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 Words are not being backed by actions on his part. He can attempt to justify it all he wants but the continuation of this behavior shows a lack of respect for you. I say end it. 2
Satu Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) Cocaine is a horrible drug. It makes people egocentric and gives them the feeling that they can do no wrong. It's also very bad for the heart and circulatory system. It increases the risk of stroke and heart disease. "Cocaine is a powerfully addictive drug. Thus, it is unlikely that an individual will be able to reliably predict or control the extent to which he or she will continue to want or use the drug. And, if addiction takes hold, the risk for relapse is high even following long periods of abstinence. Recent studies have shown that during periods of abstinence, the memory of the cocaine experience or exposure to cues associated with drug use can trigger tremendous craving and relapse to drug use." "Different routes of cocaine administration can produce different adverse effects. Regularly snorting cocaine, for example, can lead to loss of sense of smell; nosebleeds; problems with swallowing; hoarseness; and an overall irritation of the nasal septum, which could result in a chronically inflamed, runny nose. Ingested cocaine can cause severe bowel gangrene, due to reduced blood flow. Persons who inject cocaine have puncture marks called "tracks," most commonly in their forearms, and may experience allergic reactions, either to the drug or to some additive in street cocaine, which in severe cases can result in death. Many chronic cocaine users lose their appetite and experience significant weight loss and malnourishment." "The short-term physiological effects of cocaine use include constricted blood vessels; dilated pupils; and increased body temperature, heart rate, and blood pressure. Large amounts of cocaine may intensify the user's high but can also lead to bizarre, erratic, and violent behavior. Some cocaine users report feelings of restlessness, irritability, anxiety, panic, and paranoia. Users may also experience tremors, vertigo, and muscle twitches. There also can be severe medical complications associated with cocaine abuse. Some of the most frequent are cardiovascular effects, including disturbances in heart rhythm and heart attacks; neurological effects, including strokes, seizures, headaches, and coma; and gastrointestinal complications, including abdominal pain and nausea. In rare instances, sudden death can occur on the first use of cocaine or unexpectedly thereafter. Cocaine-related deaths are often a result of cardiac arrest or seizures followed by respiratory arrest." Source here. There is no doubt that if your boyfriend continues to use cocaine, his mental and physical health will deteriorate over time. He's got a very big problem. And so have you... End it now. Edited December 26, 2014 by Satu 2
veggirl Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 You have to dump him. There's nothing to get serious about with him. He's obviously not changing, he lied to about changing before and he will again...and again...and again. Don't fall for it. You don't want to end up married to this guy--the guy who will be missing holidays, work events, social events, because he got coked up beforehand. You def don't want kids with this guy--the guy who will be doing coke in the house with children, missing their sports, missing their recitals. You need to dump him and plug your ears to his LIES that he will change/stop/whatever. He won't!!! 3
KatZee Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) He's not going to "just get off drugs" and meet someone else like you think. He's an addict. With an active drug addiction. The only way he's going to stop is if he gets into a treatment program. Even if he does get into treatment and a recovery program, they highly advise against addicts getting into relationships for at least ONE YEAR after being sober. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions, feelings, etc. for the addict. You're never going to have a "normal" life with your boyfriend. Drugs will always come first. You will constantly be left feeling alone, "single" as you say, disappointed, and let down. You will never have a relationship like that of your friends. Get out now. Dating an addict is never good news. 9/10 times an addict also relapses as well. Usually co-dependents are the one's who wind up sticking with addicts. Do some introspection and figure out if this is who you are. Do not even ENTERTAIN the idea of having kids with this person. That will be the worst mistake you ever make in your life. Edited December 26, 2014 by KatZee 4
Grego Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 So you've spent a year ignoring the warning signs. Yet somehow you love him. You've wasted a year being intoxicated with a boyfriend intoxicated with drugs. It's clearly obvious to everyone what you should do but I can't see you taking the advice of internet strangers over a charming guy who always knows just the right words to say to keep you hooked. 1
losangelena Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I was FWB with a cocaine user earlier this year. Same thing, where off the drug, he was so different, fun to be around, engaging, funny, full of potential. On it, he was still all those things, but also an egocentric douche bag. Drugs were and continue to be the center of his world. Even as FWB, it was clear that I would always be second fiddle. Oh, and he said the same thing about being able to stop when he wanted, and that he wasn't like all those other "weak people" who get addicted, he just used (as if there's a difference). Not only did this guy take cocaine, but Ativan as well (and pot, and other sedatives), and it was a constant guessing game as to what drug or combination of drugs he was on at a given time. I told him straight away when we met that I would not date him seriously, that's why we landed on FWB, but even then, after a few months, he would start making plans and then disappearing; saying he'd call and then not do it. I felt like I could never win in the battle for his attention, so I just stopped responding to his texts. It's so hard, but leave now. He's not going to magically get clean and find some other girlfriend one day. If you leave him, he may find someone else, but it will be superficial and short lived. Best to find someone who can give you what you want out of life. He can't. 1
losangelena Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I also want to add two things: It's very easy sometimes to demonize people who take drugs, but it's true that addiction is a disease. That's part of why I linger on this guy for as long as I did, because, especially when he talked about how he got hooked on Ativan (the addiction that started it all), I felt so bad for him (we both suffer from anxiety). I knew I couldn't do anything really to help him, but I just felt like, 'if only he could get clean, he would be such an excellent boyfriend,' funny, attentive, whipsmart, gregarious, great in bed, etc. So it's not like these guys are bad people, they're just caught in a bad situation. ALSO, I think it's also very easy to "feel bad" about falling for someone like this. I know I felt that way. I felt like, 'how in the world did I ever get into this situation? There must be something wrong with me.' I landed back in therapy because of it. And sure, there are things to explore, but inherently, there's nothing "wrong," it's just that my broken parts were attracted to his broken parts. But that does not a healthy relationship make. Anyway, off the soapbox now. 1
Grego Posted December 26, 2014 Posted December 26, 2014 I also want to add two things: It's very easy sometimes to demonize people who take drugs, but it's true that addiction is a disease. That's part of why I linger on this guy for as long as I did, because, especially when he talked about how he got hooked on Ativan (the addiction that started it all), I felt so bad for him (we both suffer from anxiety). I knew I couldn't do anything really to help him, but I just felt like, 'if only he could get clean, he would be such an excellent boyfriend,' funny, attentive, whipsmart, gregarious, great in bed, etc. So it's not like these guys are bad people, they're just caught in a bad situation. ALSO, I think it's also very easy to "feel bad" about falling for someone like this. I know I felt that way. I felt like, 'how in the world did I ever get into this situation? There must be something wrong with me.' I landed back in therapy because of it. And sure, there are things to explore, but inherently, there's nothing "wrong," it's just that my broken parts were attracted to his broken parts. But that does not a healthy relationship make. Anyway, off the soapbox now. Which is stupider? Being a heavy drug user or being someone who dates and keeps making excuses for a heavy drug user
Satu Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 Anyway, off the soapbox now. I don't see you as being on a soapbox. Sharing your experience and understanding is a good thing to do. My way of looking at this topic, comes from working closely with addicts and their families, and they generally underestimate the severity of the problem. So do the general public. Nobody comes out of addiction without mental or physical scars, and neither do those near to them. There is always a risk of relapse, even after years of not using. It's a very big mountain to climb, sadly.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2014 Posted December 27, 2014 If he was with another woman would you stick around? Of course not. It's similar. He's picking drugs over you. When are you going to stand up for yourself? 2
Author rose27 Posted December 29, 2014 Author Posted December 29, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. I had some time to ponder on this and we broke up today. It's not easy for me, but seems so easy for him. I don't know how I will get through this, even if it is the best decision. 2
Satu Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 You will get through this, because you have to. You've stood up for yourself and walked away from someone who will only get worse, because you know it's the right thing to do. Do not be tempted back by any promises to change, or stop the drug use. He won't change, and he won't stop using. Lying is part of the everyday life of drug users - don't believe the lies. Your life will get better as his gradually deteriorates. It's sad, but life goes on. Stay strong. 1
soyou Posted December 29, 2014 Posted December 29, 2014 Hi Rose27, this is what I have learnt through out my many years of dating, being in relationship, and also observing people. YOU CANT CHANGE A MAN. IF HE WANTS TO CHANGE, IT NEEDS TO COME FROM HIMSELF, HIS INNER SELF. You're living on a hope that one day he will change but I can assure you that this will not likely to happen. Maybe, one day he will change. One day he will quit using drugs. Maybe, never. Are you willing to waste your time on waiting on something which you dont know if it ever happens? Letting go is really hard but once you're over it, you will see a much better and healthier shade of life. Good luck further!
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