Blocking a potential date who admits to drug use?

[dragonfire13]

So I met a guy, hung out a few times and he started to open up to me. Obviously feeling a little toooo comfortable at this point, he then just casually mentions how he dabbles in hardcore recreational drug use from time to time.

 

I understand people have different ways of dealing with their issues, but I froze when I heard him talk about drugs so casually. I can handle someone who drinks socially, but not these hardcore drugs.

 

I've basically blocked him off everything, feeling slightly unnerved at the information but also because he's pursued me quite heavily, using various mediums to contact me...and frankly, it would be pointless to continue contact.

 

But, I feel incredibly judgemental/bad for writing him off as a person.. romantically? absolutely. But is it wrong to just ditch people like that, no explanation?

 

I did drop hints that the drug talk was making me uncomfortable, but he just continued to divulge the information. I guess the nature of addiction makes people self-centred.

 

I mean Im sure he'll get over it, but he's obviously depressed and going through a rough time and a girl just cutting him straight out probably won't help. I would perhaps explain that's is best we don't talk anymore, but is there any point?

[DivorcedDad123]

You don't owe him any explanation. You have boundaries and you're sticking to them. No harm in that.

His depression is his responsability alone. Many times,someone has to hit rock bottom before they comprehend the gravity of their addiction. You don't want to be along for that ride.

In a way,you're helping him by walking away. Maybe he'll realize that he has a problem when enough people do.

What kind of drugs are they,btw? I rank meth,heroin,prescription drug addiction,etc.,, as way more dangerous than mary jane.

[Trenton100]

So I met a guy, hung out a few times and he started to open up to me. Obviously feeling a little toooo comfortable at this point, he then just casually mentions how he dabbles in hardcore recreational drug use from time to time.

 

I understand people have different ways of dealing with their issues, but I froze when I heard him talk about drugs so casually. I can handle someone who drinks socially, but not these hardcore drugs.

 

I've basically blocked him off everything, feeling slightly unnerved at the information but also because he's pursued me quite heavily, using various mediums to contact me...and frankly, it would be pointless to continue contact.

 

But, I feel incredibly judgemental/bad for writing him off as a person.. romantically? absolutely. But is it wrong to just ditch people like that, no explanation?

 

I did drop hints that the drug talk was making me uncomfortable, but he just continued to divulge the information. I guess the nature of addiction makes people self-centred.

 

I mean Im sure he'll get over it, but he's obviously depressed and going through a rough time and a girl just cutting him straight out probably won't help. I would perhaps explain that's is best we don't talk anymore, but is there any point?

 

Recreational my ass. I've dealt with addicts and you should stay far away. I'm not cold to the situation. I just know the baggage that comes with it and it isn't pretty.

[Gloria25]

Yeah, I, in the past used to have a sort of "do what you want, it's your life" - cuz it's not like I was looking for someone to marry and/or raise kids with....

 

But nah, I can't even stand people who smoke weed. I drink, but drugs, IMO, really mess with your head and stuff.

 

I've also seen many people close to me advance from weed into harder stuff and loose everything. I've also seen how it really makes people gradually lazy.

 

Also, cuz of what I do for a living, I don't need to get arrested with someone who got caught using.

 

Now, even when it comes to alcohol - I don't care for people who got issues with abusing alcohol either.

 

Dating is hard enough, I don't need no problems in my life.

[dragonfire13]

You don't owe him any explanation. You have boundaries and you're sticking to them. No harm in that.

His depression is his responsability alone. Many times,someone has to hit rock bottom before they comprehend the gravity of their addiction. You don't want to be along for that ride.

In a way,you're helping him by walking away. Maybe he'll realize that he has a problem when enough people do.

What kind of drugs are they,btw? I rank meth,heroin,prescription drug addiction,etc.,, as way more dangerous than mary jane.

 

 

He mentioned heroin and crack. The admission came about because he had just gotten back from London and mentioned a detour to Camden where he said he had gotten wasted (alarm bell number one). I assumed alcohol and weed and literally thought he was joking when he mentioned all of the others. Then went on about how he really needs to stop, almost whining.

 

I really did not see that one coming. I'm mentally trying to see if there was any evidence i.e track marks, but aside from being a little depressed, he seemed too head-screwed-on to turn to hard drugs.

[Trenton100]

He mentioned heroin and crack. The admission came about because he had just gotten back from London and mentioned a detour to Camden where he said he had gotten wasted (alarm bell number one). I assumed alcohol and weed and literally thought he was joking when he mentioned all of the others. Then went on about how he really needs to stop, almost whining.

 

I really did not see that one coming. I'm mentally trying to see if there was any evidence i.e track marks, but aside from being a little depressed, he seemed too head-screwed-on to turn to hard drugs.

 

Nobody uses crack and heroin as recreational. If they do, then they are superhuman to not be addicted.

 

 

I call bull$hit. Stay away. Far away. Very far away.

[todreaminblue]

i would prefer a guy eb honest about his drug use before i got emotionally attached......i cant date a person who uses drugs as in still using......i am no angel i have tried drugs..they are not for me...never needle use or heroin though....have been involved with people who use drugs and i cant take it not on an intimate level..i cant take the eventual abuse and disregard......and the hanging out and withdrawals.....and the extreme highs....and changing personalities.....that can change in a split second.....to violence.....ridicule, derision and hating the world and everyone in it

 

i understand why you cant handle the thought.....thats your choice....drugs become a lifestyle and drag all down who get involved......if it isnt a lifestyle you want you surely wouldnt want to date someone who has that life.....it is totally understandable and your personal right to stick to your standards and values......

 

if a guy told me he used to or went through a bad period and got out of it ...i would respect that and yes i would date him....but to me there is no recreational drug use you use it or you dont....you had a problem ...or you overcame the problem....drugs arent recreational...they are killer........deb

[Satu]

The drugs would always be more important than you.

 

Delete, block, forget.

[Gloria25]

 

I really did not see that one coming. I'm mentally trying to see if there was any evidence i.e track marks, but aside from being a little depressed, he seemed too head-screwed-on to turn to hard drugs.

 

You'd be amazed...I mean, I watch those judge shows on daytime TV and when they say 'oh, I used meth/crack/heroin/etc for years' I'm like 'noooooo', cuz they don't look it. Some are even overweight. You'd think they got skinny off the drugs.

[AVarma]

You'd be amazed...I mean, I watch those judge shows on daytime TV and when they say 'oh, I used meth/crack/heroin/etc for years' I'm like 'noooooo', cuz they don't look it. Some are even overweight. You'd think they got skinny off the drugs.

 

Here here. I actually knew a family relative who was addicted to cocaine. On the outside you'd think he totally had it together.

[dragonfire13]

Yeah trust me, I have no difficulty in walking away from this one.

 

Its more that I feel like a bad, judgemental person for reacting this way... not walking away, but the way my perception has gone from being comfortable around someone and starting to like them...to acting like they're a leper.

 

Like all of a sudden, I'm worried because he dropped me off home once, so he knows where I live. And also knows that my place is going to be empty over the Xmas/NYE break, as I mentioned upcoming holiday plans.

 

The fact that Im automatically assuming he's a criminal...it's not something Im proud of, but I don't have much experience with drug users and I just know how much of a slippery slope it is.

 

I also feel like a massive idiot. I mean it's better a person be honest about drug use sooner rather than later, but I can only hope I wasn't giving out "desperate" vibes since he had no qualms about admitting such controversial behaviour.

Edited December 20, 2014 by dragonfire13

[dragonfire13]

Here here. I actually knew a family relative who was addicted to cocaine. On the outside you'd think he totally had it together.

 

Well at least that's making me feel slightly less naive :-D

[ThaWholigan]

Crackheads are off limits. Cut this one off ASAP. Weed is fine, and the occasional cheeky line or the odd pill ain't completely off the charts, but buj and crack - no.

 

It's endearing that you feel a bit bad and are taking his depression into consideration but at some point, your boundaries take precedent. He has to sort himself out before he gets into any sort of relationship. Either that, or find someone who shares his recreational path to escapism!

 

I've known crackheads and ex-smack addicts, and known people who sold it too. To quote the black dude from Dewey Cox - you don't want no part of that sh*t .

[FitChick]

Far more people are addicted to prescription drugs.

[Gloria25]

Far more people are addicted to prescription drugs.

 

And with the so-called "mental illness epidemic" that some industries are trying to drum up - based on several shootings we had over the last few years, if people aren't smoking weed, sniffin' or shootin' up something - they'll probably be on some prescription drug for some "condition"

 

I mean, once they can strong arm the insurance companies to cover it - we're done.

 

You know, one way to take control of people is to "numb um' and dumb um'"?

[ExpatInItaly]

That's a no-questions-asked dealbreaker in my book. Don't feel bad. It's something you're not comfortable with and that's perfectly ok. His choices are his choices, just as yours are yours. I would stay well away.

[hoping2heal]

Well,

 

Staying away would be in your best interest for many reasons. There's nothing wrong with having empathy for others, but what he chooses to do is not only a liability for himself, it will become one for you as well just by associating with him.

 

You do not know the kinds of people who associate with him and vice versa and what dangers you could end up exposed to as a result. Not being "judgemental" should not mean you throw yourself into harms way and make poor choices as to not offend someone.

[Trimmer]

Far more people are addicted to prescription drugs.

I'm missing how that relates to the topic of the thread. Can you expand on this?

 

And with the so-called "mental illness epidemic" that some industries are trying to drum up - based on several shootings we had over the last few years, if people aren't smoking weed, sniffin' or shootin' up something - they'll probably be on some prescription drug for some "condition"

 

I mean, once they can strong arm the insurance companies to cover it - we're done.

 

You know, one way to take control of people is to "numb um' and dumb um'"?

Same question. I'm sure you are responding to the OP's situation, but maybe I'm just a little thick and don't see the connection...

[acrosstheuniverse]

He mentioned heroin and crack. The admission came about because he had just gotten back from London and mentioned a detour to Camden where he said he had gotten wasted (alarm bell number one). I assumed alcohol and weed and literally thought he was joking when he mentioned all of the others. Then went on about how he really needs to stop, almost whining.

 

I really did not see that one coming. I'm mentally trying to see if there was any evidence i.e track marks, but aside from being a little depressed, he seemed too head-screwed-on to turn to hard drugs.

 

He might be smoking both, not injecting. Even if he was injecting, he could have been going into his groin or other places you wouldn't necessarily notice.

 

Personally I think you did the right thing. You knew that his behaviour was incompatible with what you'll accept in a partner so you shut it down instead of trying to force yourself to be okay with it. If I'd hung with someone a couple times it might have been the more classy thing to send him a short message saying 'I'm sorry, but somebody using drugs isn't something I want in a partner. I'm not judging you, merely saying that we're not compatible. Wish you all the best for the future' and then block. That's unless you ARE judging him of course, but I don't get the sense you suddenly think he's scum, I think you're shocked because you don't come across hard drug use much and you didn't think he fit the bill for a 'user'.

 

But if you didn't feel safe or able to send him that message, then you did nothing wrong.

 

It's one thing to not date someone who's been in recovery five, ten solid years without touching anything (still a risk, and still your personal choice to make without judgement), quite another to date someone still actively using and saying that they need to quit (this shows me that they've reached a point where the negatives of using are beginning to encroach on the positives). How long it might take for him to get clean, if he even wants to, is impossible to know. Some drug users I know manage it first time around, others the hundredth time around.

 

I work with people in his situation by the way, and I wouldn't even date someone who currently smokes Cannabis anymore. Or someone who gets regularly obliterated on alcohol. It's not something I can handle bringing into my life, especially since I lost a parent to addiction. And I understand it's probably a shock to find out if you're not around people who use hard drugs every day.

[Toodaloo]

So I met a guy, hung out a few times and he started to open up to me. Obviously feeling a little toooo comfortable at this point, he then just casually mentions how he dabbles in hardcore recreational drug use from time to time.

 

I understand people have different ways of dealing with their issues, but I froze when I heard him talk about drugs so casually. I can handle someone who drinks socially, but not these hardcore drugs.

 

I've basically blocked him off everything, feeling slightly unnerved at the information but also because he's pursued me quite heavily, using various mediums to contact me...and frankly, it would be pointless to continue contact.

 

But, I feel incredibly judgemental/bad for writing him off as a person.. romantically? absolutely. But is it wrong to just ditch people like that, no explanation?

 

I did drop hints that the drug talk was making me uncomfortable, but he just continued to divulge the information. I guess the nature of addiction makes people self-centred.

 

I mean Im sure he'll get over it, but he's obviously depressed and going through a rough time and a girl just cutting him straight out probably won't help. I would perhaps explain that's is best we don't talk anymore, but is there any point?

 

Dear Lordy Gal...

 

Your feel guilty because this guy is a tosser, refused to take the hint and continued with his narcissistic behavior...

 

Get a grip - block, move on. You know its the right thing to do and you are not his savior!

 

Be nice to people who are worth it and not pillocks.

[dragonfire13]

I'm missing how that relates to the topic of the thread. Can you expand on this?

 

 

Same question. I'm sure you are responding to the OP's situation, but maybe I'm just a little thick and don't see the connection...

 

I can see how a debate would arise over the difference between legal/illegal highs, especially with people using to deal with issues relating to depression.

 

Thanks for the responses guys, it's giving me a better understanding of what life would be like if I continued to interact with someone who likes to dabble in drug use. I mean, I would never continue to engage in such a depressing situation anyway, but it's interesting to hear about different experiences from those who have dealt with something similar.

 

I do not envy the choices and the bleak path he seems to be going down. I just didn't want to add to it, as I try to treat people with empathy. He obviously is emotionally damaged, and I've seen posts on here with people feeling like crap after someone has just completely ghosted on them.

 

Having said that, I don't really owe him anything. And like others have said, sometimes tough love is the wake-up call they need to realise that their behaviour is unacceptable.

[Trimmer]

I can see how a debate would arise over the difference between legal/illegal highs, especially with people using to deal with issues relating to depression.

 

Thanks for the responses guys, it's giving me a better understanding of what life would be like if I continued to interact with someone who likes to dabble in drug use. I mean, I would never continue to engage in such a depressing situation anyway, but it's interesting to hear about different experiences from those who have dealt with something similar.

 

I do not envy the choices and the bleak path he seems to be going down. I just didn't want to add to it, as I try to treat people with empathy. He obviously is emotionally damaged, and I've seen posts on here with people feeling like crap after someone has just completely ghosted on them.

 

Having said that, I don't really owe him anything. And like others have said, sometimes tough love is the wake-up call they need to realise that their behaviour is unacceptable.

After your first post, where you only called it "hardcore" use and spoke of your assumption that he was an addict, I wasn't sure if perhaps you were just super-sensitive to any illegal drug use, and maybe you thought occasional pot usage was equivalent to a hardcore addiction. But once you pointed out that it was crack and heroin, wow... I can totally see that as a go-no-further deal-breaker.

 

When I was very young, I once asked a music teacher of mine (who was a working musician, and exposed to that whole world) "so what does heroin do, anyway?" and the only answer he would give me was "It kills you."

[dragonfire13]

After your first post, where you only called it "hardcore" use and spoke of your assumption that he was an addict, I wasn't sure if perhaps you were just super-sensitive to any illegal drug use, and maybe you thought occasional pot usage was equivalent to a hardcore addiction. But once you pointed out that it was crack and heroin, wow... I can totally see that as a go-no-further deal-breaker.

 

When I was very young, I once asked a music teacher of mine (who was a working musician, and exposed to that whole world) "so what does heroin do, anyway?" and the only answer he would give me was "It kills you."

 

Absolutely, it's a slippery slope. And while it's something I refuse to be involved in, even by association, I can only hope he gets the help he needs - I feel sorry for anyone who is in such a bleak, depressing situation.

 

It was defo a complete shock, I did not suspect the use of harder stuff. I drink myself so would never have issues with that unless it was to excess...I don't smoke pot so if he was a heavy stoner even that would probably be a dealbreaker. When youre talking about Class As...that's a straight goodbye and good luck.

[dragonfire13]

After your first post, where you only called it "hardcore" use and spoke of your assumption that he was an addict, I wasn't sure if perhaps you were just super-sensitive to any illegal drug use, and maybe you thought occasional pot usage was equivalent to a hardcore addiction. But once you pointed out that it was crack and heroin, wow... I can totally see that as a go-no-further deal-breaker.

 

When I was very young, I once asked a music teacher of mine (who was a working musician, and exposed to that whole world) "so what does heroin do, anyway?" and the only answer he would give me was "It kills you."

 

Absolutely, it's a slippery slope. And it's something people have to distance themselves from and refuse to be involved in, even by association

 

It was defo a complete shock, I did not suspect the use of harder stuff. I drink myself so would never have issues with that unless it was to excess...I don't smoke pot so if he was a heavy stoner even that would probably be a dealbreaker. When youre talking about Class As...that's a straight goodbye and good luck.