Have I been strung along?

[DancinBallerina]

Hi all,

 

New to the site, so go easy on me but I have a burning situation which I need answering.

 

So I found myself on PoF, been on/off it for a few years, as quite frankly the majority of men on there are a bunch of douche bags (apologies if that offends anyone). Anyway just as I was to get rid of my account, a nice guy messaged commenting on my picture and etc. We exchanged messages for a day before I decided to bite the bullet and give him my mobile number so we could chat on Whatsapp (which I find a lot easier). He quickly took up that offer and messaged me right away. The messaging continued continuously for a week; him sending me morning texts which I found very endearing and quite sweet giving me the impression he was very keen. We would text during the working day right up until it was time to go to bed. Later that week we agreed to a date, which was fine, he was happy to meet and so was I. We met, had a good evening, although we were both quite nervous. As we departed, he gave me a hug and then planted snogs on me which I was not expecting but simply went with it. We said our goodbyes and then went our separate ways. I hadn't even got home and he texted saying he enjoyed the night and wanted to see me again, to which I agreed. I didn't continue texting back and forth that night because I was tired and didn't want to be a nuisance. So I left it at that.

 

Because I don't like to ignore or be rude, I returned the message but left it until Saturday night to respond, to which he did not reply which was fair enough as we all have lives to live. He didn't reply back until the following day after lunch. He made very little talk and I got the hint he just wanted time to himself, which is fair enough. The following day, well morning before I went to work he messaged, apologising for being quiet and then proceeded with hope I have a good day and etc, which again the conversation continued throughout the day but on and off. That week we tried to see each other several times (not making plans as such but inviting each other round), however either I was busy or he was busy. I'm not the type of girl to push or hassle so kinda left it at that.

 

Although we've spent most of the whole 'thing' talking via Whatsapp message, I figured we were getting on ok, taking things slowly, not rushing. Monday (just gone) he was messaging ok as usual through the day, more so the evening. However his messages got shorter and more blunt, to which I got the hint he wanted to be left alone (he said he was really tired) which I said ''I'll leave you to it'', but he then proceeded to continuing to message with ''I need a cuddle'' and etc. The final message I sent, merely as a tongue in cheek response in relation to the hug, was ''One day''. Since then I have heard nothing since!

 

Now what baffles me is this - the constant messaging for 2weeks solid, telling me he's looking for a relationship, isn't into playing games, very honest and up front, and now he's given me the silent treatment! I'm sat here thinking what have I done? I haven't messaged as I don't chase men and I don't want to appear like I am being needy/clingy. But at the same time kinda want to know what I've done wrong, if it was me putting my 'foot' in it and ruining something? :(

 

So any anyone decipher what exactly is going on here? Have a feeling he's done a runner or through his constant messaging, has killed what spark there was . . (although he would initiate the messaging, I didn't always respond back quickly . .I would wait a while). Thoughts ladies and gents? . .

[furby19]

It sounds like he lost interest after meeting you in person. Some people have wonderful chemistry over the phone or via internet but not so much in person. I wouldn't sit around pondering about it. Get out with some friends. Date other people and actually hang out with them. If he comes back around just take it easy with him. If he doesn't, so be it.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sounds like you are new to OLD. There is absolutely NO WAY to decipher what is going on with him. It certainly doesn't sound like you committed some faux pas.

 

I went on an OLD some weeks back. Date went well. We talked for two hours, made out, she preened, I fawned, she suggested we go to a museum together soon. We took the train together.

 

I saw the next day she took her dating profile down.

 

Two weeks later she confessed to me by text that she had serious feelings about someone else and wanted to pursue that. She was sorry about not being upfront.

 

I guess she was trying to test her feelings about someone she knew by going on a date with a stranger.

 

Point is RARELY do we know the full story with what is going on in people's lives.

 

My advice to you is continue OLD with minimal expectations. Quantity is important. It's a numbers game. Don't invest too much mentally, physically or financially. If something does click, and sometimes it does, go with it!

 

Good luck!

[DancinBallerina]

It sounds like he lost interest after meeting you in person. Some people have wonderful chemistry over the phone or via internet but not so much in person. I wouldn't sit around pondering about it. Get out with some friends. Date other people and actually hang out with them. If he comes back around just take it easy with him. If he doesn't, so be it.

 

Then why did he ask me out on a 2nd date, if he wasn't interested?? That's what I don't get! If you're not interested in someone, tell them!? Don't mug the other person off thinking it could potentially go somewhere . . . And certainly do not kiss them if you have no intention of seeing them again. I have been so blunt, honest and upfront from day one with this person, and he said he is too. So it's just all really confusing for me! :(

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, the best advice I have for you is to go out and LIVE YOUR LIFE. Forget about what you think he's thinking or doing or why isn't he or is he...whatever. You will inevitably go MENTAL.

 

As women, we have this innate ability to analyze things to death and then have these delusions that we're trying to make things better when in fact we're making things worse.

 

I know it's hard to NOT get emotionally invested in someone with whom we click and it's even more difficult NOT to blame ourselves and rip ourselves apart about when things don't go as expected. What you need to learn and understand is that this is a HUGE waste of your precious time.

 

I'm not saying anything one way or another regarding his feelings towards you but what I am saying is that women need to STOP hanging on to every word uttered by every cute guy be it verbal or text and we especially need to STOP over analyzing every bloody detail like a forensic investigator.

 

He's got your number. He knows where to reach you. Give him space and go out and live your life. There is no point in any of us trying to decipher this code since we can't read his mind. It's all hearsay and it's pointless.

 

You are better than that.

 

Good luck.

[DancinBallerina]

Sounds like you are new to OLD. There is absolutely NO WAY to decipher what is going on with him. It certainly doesn't sound like you committed some faux pas.

 

I went on an OLD some weeks back. Date went well. We talked for two hours, made out, she preened, I fawned, she suggested we go to a museum together soon. We took the train together.

 

I saw the next day she took her dating profile down.

 

Two weeks later she confessed to me by text that she had serious feelings about someone else and wanted to pursue that. She was sorry about not being upfront.

 

I guess she was trying to test her feelings about someone she knew by going on a date with a stranger.

 

Point is RARELY do we know the full story with what is going on in people's lives.

 

My advice to you is continue OLD with minimal expectations. Quantity is important. It's a numbers game. Don't invest too much mentally, physically or financially. If something does click, and sometimes it does, go with it!

 

Good luck!

 

Pardon my ignorance here, but what the heck is OLD to new / new to OLD? lol

 

I've literally only spoken to him when spoken to . . (if that makes sense?) He messages, I politely reply. If I don't message back that day, I'd message back the following day which I only did so on 2 occasions. The rest of it has been initiated by him! Not the type of girl to hammer/bombard a man with messages which is why I have remained very quiet this week with his no contact, kinda doing the same thing back to him!

[Perrier]

I am not a fan of too much texting nor of lengthy phone chats before meeting for the first time. I think the initial comms should be used to judge interest / potential compatibility levels prior to a first meeting.

 

Otherwise intense can kill real -life chemistry. Also if you're getting on like a house on fire prior to meeting for the first time, it's easy to expect the same level of compatibility or better on the first date and this can pressurise you. Not to mention you will have 'squandered' topics to discuss in real life.

 

As furby19 has said get out and meet other people. You only had a first date so don't hang too much on it

[DancinBallerina]

Honestly, the best advice I have for you is to go out and LIVE YOUR LIFE. Forget about what you think he's thinking or doing or why isn't he or is he...whatever. You will inevitably go MENTAL.

 

As women, we have this innate ability to analyze things to death and then have these delusions that we're trying to make things better when in fact we're making things worse.

 

I know it's hard to NOT get emotionally invested in someone with whom we click and it's even more difficult NOT to blame ourselves and rip ourselves apart about when things don't go as expected. What you need to learn and understand is that this is a HUGE waste of your precious time.

 

I'm not saying anything one way or another regarding his feelings towards you but what I am saying is that women need to STOP hanging on to every word uttered by every cute guy be it verbal or text and we especially need to STOP over analyzing every bloody detail like a forensic investigator.

 

He's got your number. He knows where to reach you. Give him space and go out and live your life. There is no point in any of us trying to decipher this code since we can't read his mind. It's all hearsay and it's pointless.

 

You are better than that.

 

Good luck.

 

Although blunt and to the point, you are so right! I been wondering the past few days what have I done and so forth, which has started to make me go a little stir crazy. When actually I should just forget about it and move on.

[furby19]

I hate to sound mean......but........guys do this sometimes. He was probably trying to find out if he could string you along and use you for sex. He won't just come out and say that though. Either way, you haven't known each other very long. Who knows how he really feels or what he really thinks. I say.......just pick yourself up and try again. Try a different site. Good Luck!

[furby19]

Then why did he ask me out on a 2nd date, if he wasn't interested?? That's what I don't get! If you're not interested in someone, tell them!? Don't mug the other person off thinking it could potentially go somewhere . . . And certainly do not kiss them if you have no intention of seeing them again. I have been so blunt, honest and upfront from day one with this person, and he said he is too. So it's just all really confusing for me! :(

 

I hate to sound mean......but........guys do this sometimes. He was probably trying to find out if he could string you along and use you for sex. He won't just come out and say that though. Either way, you haven't known each other very long. Who knows how he really feels or what he really thinks. I say.......just pick yourself up and try again. Try a different site. Good Luck!

[DancinBallerina]

I hate to sound mean......but........guys do this sometimes. He was probably trying to find out if he could string you along and use you for sex. He won't just come out and say that though. Either way, you haven't known each other very long. Who knows how he really feels or what he really thinks. I say.......just pick yourself up and try again. Try a different site. Good Luck!

 

Ahh there are some serious douche men in this world, there really are! I also need to stop being so naive and wearing my heart on my sleeve, but as a Pisces, I find it hard to separate the two!

[Mrin]

Mmmm tough to say. I doubt the sex thing is what is going on. Dudes like that understand the numbers game and that the more dates you have with a woman the greater the probability.

 

He is probably just multidating and got into someone else. It happens.

[newmoon]

" We would text during the working day right up until it was time to go to bed. "

 

what more does he need to learn about you? you're completely needy if you need to text all day with someone from online, and then expect you'll have anything to talk about when you meet. the reality of you probably didn't meet the texting you. it happens. move on to someone else and meet first before wasting so much effort on texts.

[Perrier]

what more does he need to learn about you? you're completely needy if you need to text all day with someone from online, and then expect you'll have anything to talk about when you meet.

 

Exactly. Even if I was free all day I would limit the amount of texting/ phoning prior to a first meet.

[DancinBallerina]

" We would text during the working day right up until it was time to go to bed. "

 

what more does he need to learn about you? you're completely needy if you need to text all day with someone from online, and then expect you'll have anything to talk about when you meet. the reality of you probably didn't meet the texting you. it happens. move on to someone else and meet first before wasting so much effort on texts.

 

Not sure my OP was clear, HE initiated the messaging, I responded. He asked Qs, I responded to be polite and show manners. One day he messaged me in the morning and I deliberately ignored his message until I got home because 1) I didn't want to spend all day on the phone, and 2) I didn't want to portray a needy image. We messaged a bit BEFORE meeting (date 1), and messaged a fair bit AFTER the date. Again, all conversations STARTED by him, NOT me!

 

If I was needy as you so claim that I am, I would have messaged him by now which I havent. As mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I'm not the type of girl to hammer men with messages, not my style OR is it classy. I simply just try to suss things out and then just leave it, HENCE why I've posted my situation/query here.

[losangelena]

I don't get that read at all, actually.

 

It doesn't sound like you did anything inherently "wrong." Though, he may be mirroring you, and if you're taking longer to get back to his texts, he may be thinking that you're the one who's no longer interested.

 

I would say that now is actually the time you could initiate contact for once. If he's been doing all the initiating, then it'd be nice maybe at this point for you to do so, to show continued interest. If someone I texted "I need a cuddle" to responded with "one day," I'd think maybe they weren't that keen. If you'd said, "one day, how 'bout Friday," then that'd be different (not saying you're at the cuddle stage or anything).

 

You messaging him at this point would not be clingy. It would be showing mutual interest.

[lil hoodlum]

Not sure my OP was clear, HE initiated the messaging, I responded. He asked Qs, I responded to be polite and show manners. One day he messaged me in the morning and I deliberately ignored his message until I got home because 1) I didn't want to spend all day on the phone, and 2) I didn't want to portray a needy image. We messaged a bit BEFORE meeting (date 1), and messaged a fair bit AFTER the date. Again, all conversations STARTED by him, NOT me!

 

If I was needy as you so claim that I am, I would have messaged him by now which I havent. As mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I'm not the type of girl to hammer men with messages, not my style OR is it classy. I simply just try to suss things out and then just leave it, HENCE why I've posted my situation/query here.

 

He probably thought you weren't that interested in him.

 

I mean come on, you never initiated any conversations. Only responded.

 

Completely blew him off for a day (sounds like game playing to me.)

 

I would also wager that you probably didn't asked him questions other than the standard "How about you?"

 

 

Honestly, it is very tiresome when people play these games. He told you that he wasn't into playing games yet you blew off his texts or responded the next day.

 

If you are interested in someone, show some enthusiasm, ask them questions, initiate some conversations, respond in a reasonable time, and if you enjoyed the date thank them.

[losangelena]

Also, you said you texted him back to be polite and show manners. That's all find and good, but how about interest? I haven't really noticed if you've mentioned if you like this guy or not. Your concerns seem like they're more about what his intentions are, but what about your intentions towards this guy? He kissed you and you went with the flow? I would never want any person I kiss to simply go with the flow. Did you enjoy it? Would you want to do it again?

[SycamoreCircle]

OLD---Online Dating. This thread could go on to infinity about what he thought. Pointless.

[JK79]

Hi all,

 

However his messages got shorter and more blunt, to which I got the hint he wanted to be left alone (he said he was really tired) which I said ''I'll leave you to it'', but he then proceeded to continuing to message with ''I need a cuddle'' and etc. The final message I sent, merely as a tongue in cheek response in relation to the hug, was ''One day''. Since then I have heard nothing since!

 

Now what baffles me is this - the constant messaging for 2weeks solid, telling me he's looking for a relationship, isn't into playing games, very honest and up front, and now he's given me the silent treatment! .

 

Not sure there is really enough information here to JUDGE this guy or his motives (or you) which seems to be happening :-(. Who knows what issues he has and that is the point - you don't really know him, his past or his problems. It may not be (and probably isn't) anything you have done at all - it may not also be 'he is after only one thing being a man' or 'multi-stringing people along' as often suggested here.

 

Either way, be happy in yourself, wish him well and move on!

[DancinBallerina]

I don't get that read at all, actually.

 

It doesn't sound like you did anything inherently "wrong." Though, he may be mirroring you, and if you're taking longer to get back to his texts, he may be thinking that you're the one who's no longer interested.

 

I would say that now is actually the time you could initiate contact for once. If he's been doing all the initiating, then it'd be nice maybe at this point for you to do so, to show continued interest. If someone I texted "I need a cuddle" to responded with "one day," I'd think maybe they weren't that keen. If you'd said, "one day, how 'bout Friday," then that'd be different (not saying you're at the cuddle stage or anything).

 

You messaging him at this point would not be clingy. It would be showing mutual interest.

 

There have only been 2/3 occasions where I've taken longer to respond (i.e. the next day), the majority of the time I respond back, say, 2-4 hours of him messaging me. He knows I'm interested as I've said, and he's said the same to me.

 

I am tempted to message, but at the same time, I don't know if it's a test - testing me to see if I'm needy/clingy, and will hammer him with messages, that just isn't my style. But at the same time, I still want him to know that I am interested, but I don't want to pester, be a nuisance to him, .

 

The conversation went like this:

 

(blablabla conversation before, and then...)

Him: I need a cuddle

Me: Awe, so do I

Him: He sent a emoticons similar to this: :lmao:

Me: You'll have to be imaginative for now

Him Yeah I know

Me: One day

 

. . . . .And that is how the conversation ended. My comment of 'one day' was flippant - meaning I put the ball in his court as to when he wishes to meet again, as I thought I'm not going to hassle and ask.

 

Even before that part of the conversation he made it perfectly clear, well implied that he wanted more and etc, so I just don't get it .

[DancinBallerina]

He probably thought you weren't that interested in him.

 

I mean come on, you never initiated any conversations. Only responded.

 

Completely blew him off for a day (sounds like game playing to me.)

 

I would also wager that you probably didn't asked him questions other than the standard "How about you?"

 

 

Honestly, it is very tiresome when people play these games. He told you that he wasn't into playing games yet you blew off his texts or responded the next day.

 

If you are interested in someone, show some enthusiasm, ask them questions, initiate some conversations, respond in a reasonable time, and if you enjoyed the date thank them.

 

He knows I am interested as we've told one another - bluntly. We don't play games, as again, we've discussed that and prefer to be upfront and honest with one another.

 

Yes, I have never initiated conversations because he ALWAYS beats me to it - I wake up in the morning and there's a message from him!! He wakes up at 6, at which time I am still asleep!

 

And I have NEVER blown off the guy, only 2/3 occasions I have responded the following day, the majority of the time I respond within 2-4 hours, I don't respond right away because I am busy, i.e work! And I did ask him Qs when I could, just so happened that he seemed to get in there before me and the conversation running like so.

 

. . .And the date we did have, I thanked him for which he knows as I told him, which was followed by a hug and kiss which I detailed in my original post!!!

[DancinBallerina]

Also, you said you texted him back to be polite and show manners. That's all find and good, but how about interest? I haven't really noticed if you've mentioned if you like this guy or not. Your concerns seem like they're more about what his intentions are, but what about your intentions towards this guy? He kissed you and you went with the flow? I would never want any person I kiss to simply go with the flow. Did you enjoy it? Would you want to do it again?

 

He knows I am interested, as I've told him, and he told me also. The kiss and hug was lovely, which he knows. When he asked about seeing me again? I said ''Really?'' to which he responded with ''Couldn't you tell with the kiss?'' to which I responded with ''It was really nice'', he said ''Yes, it was very very nice''. What I meant by 'going with the flow' was just going with it, would have been awkward if I started to question him mid way through saying goodbye and etc. If I wasn't that bit interested I wouldn't have kissed him, which he knows. I am very picky and fussy and not every bloke I go on dates with get a kiss from me.

[DancinBallerina]

Not sure there is really enough information here to JUDGE this guy or his motives (or you) which seems to be happening :-(. Who knows what issues he has and that is the point - you don't really know him, his past or his problems. It may not be (and probably isn't) anything you have done at all - it may not also be 'he is after only one thing being a man' or 'multi-stringing people along' as often suggested here.

 

Either way, be happy in yourself, wish him well and move on!

 

Thank you for not judging me on the situation. I only came here to just seek a bit of advice and etc, instead I seem to be getting a 'bashing' for perhaps not showing the guy interest which is not the case!!!

 

I have kinda just left it now, and see what happens . .if he gets in touch, he gets in touch. If not, chalk this up to experience I guess .

[DancinBallerina]

. . .What I do find odd however is that I am still on his Facebook . . he hasn't removed me :confused:...so may he is still interested? Who knows . . but leaving it now . .