Ever since I started working full-time, my boyfriend keeps getting upset!?

[Delna]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. He's a great guy, and we both are very much in love. I recently graduated university, and started my first job 3 months ago. It's a full-time job, and I work from 8:30 to 4:30. Since the job is a distance from where I live, I wake up at 6am and get home around 6 pm as well. While I'm working, I text my boyfriend as often as possible, and call him during lunch. When I get home, I text him, and we have goodnight calls lasting about an hour or two - which means I fall asleep around 10-11. However, I am often exhausted by the time we talk on the phone at night, and feel very drowsy. My boyfriend, however, keeps getting upset that I always sound tired and not 'energetic'! He's feeling disconnected and mad at me as a result of this. I'm trying to manage my lifestyle to the best of my ability - but he doesn't seem to understand.

 

 

Undoubtedly, before I started working, we would speak for 3-4 hours before sleeping at night, and I know he's been used to that - but it's really hard for me to be productive at work if I'm talking to him all night. He's in university right now, and he works part-time. So he has evening classes during the week, and works weekends.

 

 

So during the week - when I'm working, he sleeps in and stays up late to study and claims that he feels 'lonely' at night when I'm sleeping. But there's only so much I can do! I make the effort to go meet him twice a week after work - since he's working on the weekends.

 

 

But he still can't stop feeling 'lonely' and 'disconnected' and feels like I've changed ever since I started working.

 

 

We had 3 conversations yesterday. One during lunch (an hour), one at night before I slept - during this convo he said he had to stay up to study but he wanted to call me again before he slept. I said that was fine. So he calls me around 12, and of course I picked up feeling tired and tried to have a conversation, but was a little quiet. And then he responded with "Sorry for calling" and hung up.

 

 

I don't get it. How on earth do people manage working full-time and also maintaining a loving relationship?

[Frank2thepoint]

Your boyfriend is being very selfish. He is used to the ways things used to be before you had a full time job. He needs to learn to adapt, and be more understanding. I suggest for you to have a serious discussion with him, preferably in person instead of over the phone. You need to assure him that you care, but he needs to be a bit more understanding and accommodating. Also, both of you should try to find a good time during the week to just spend quality time together, even if it's just once a week.

[PegNosePete]

I don't get it. How on earth do people manage working full-time and also maintaining a loving relationship?

They have loving relationships with people who care about their feelings!!! Sharing a similar timetable helps but isn't essential if you're both considerate of each other.

 

This guy obviously doesn't give a rats ass about you. He just wants wants wants you to bend to his will. Why can't he go to bed at the same time as you, and get up earlier to do his studying? He will probably have to do that when he enters the big wide world anyway. It's totally unreasonable of him to make these demands on you.

[Andy_K]

He's codependent.

 

If he wants to spend three hours a night talking to you outside of his work/study, what else does he actually have any time for? Does he have any friends or hobbies at all? Any outside interests?

 

I don't see how he can be maintaining a balanced lifestyle, therefore I think the problem is him, not you.

[d0nnivain]

They manage it by readjusting their expectations. You don't have the same free time you had in college so the time you do get is more precious. It's an adjustment.

 

Set some boundaries & work from there.

 

After grad school I dated my grad school BF & we set a pattern that I would call him & we'd talk for 5 minutes at lunch. That was it. We saw each other 1-2x during the week & spent weekends together but there were some times we didn't see each other during the week.

 

As your body gets used to the knew schedule it will be easier to have more energy for dating.

[GemmaUK]

He sounds like my ex.

I have total empathy for your situation ((hugs))

 

 

I met my ex during a week when I had some days off so had more free time than I usual do on a working day and then a couple of weeks later I had some time off too as my brother was visiting from Oz and I hasn't seen him in 10 years.

My now ex could not grasp that I would be busy with my brother and his family while I was off - that was pretty much the first sign I should have spotted.

 

 

Work always picks up and gets busy for me coming up to Christmas and beyond and my ex couldn't grasp that either.

 

 

I gave him as much time as I could yet it was never enough and I was constantly 'in trouble' with him.

I was working 10-15 hour days with no lunch breaks and yet he still wanted a call every single night for a couple of hours - and same as yours could not understand that I was tired so wasn't as bouncy as usual.

 

 

He would also be texting me from 5.30am until around midnight each day and I responded as best I could. He insisted upon a good night text and then he would reply about an hour later - by which time I was asleep. I used to keep my phone by my bed just in case I had an emergency but I couldn't do that as he would wake me up with his texts.

 

 

I spoke to him a lot about this, asked for 'date nights' so that I could work around things and also then know that some nights I could catch up with housework or whatever but he said no to the date nights and was absolutely always available and would make me feel guilty for getting home at 11pm and needing to eat and just sleep!

I asked if we could get going with our day before texting, say 9am instead of 5.30am but he wouldn't have that either.

 

 

His hours were different to mine and he would start work at 6am, work for 4 hours and then have a 2 to 6 hour break during the day. He would then finish work around 8pm and go to bed around 2am.

 

 

It was completely and utterly exhausting for me. I had to explain everything as to why I couldn't be right there right then - even if I said I would call in ten mins once I had finished what I was doing I had to explain what I was doing that would take ten minutes by which time the ten minutes was all used up with texting. Eating, housework, shopping, just about everything except going to the toilet and having a shower was a problem for him.

 

 

He was controlling basically and self centred, also became abusive emotionally.

 

 

You need a serious face to face chat and set some new boundaries now that you're working. He needs to take it on board and stop piling the pressure on you. He is showing you no respect nor consideration for your new routine as it's all 'him, him, him' just now.

 

 

When I tried this my ex would chill for a few hours, maybe a day or so and then be right back on my case and guilt tripping me again.

 

 

I really hope that your bf takes it on board. Mine never did.

It's one of several reasons why I dumped him - but even that took several tries as I was just so exhausted he would talk me around.

 

 

I wish you luck!