She wont get over her ex, sais i am her best friend

[carlos89]

Hi!

 

So a year ago, I entered this really awesome circle of friends consisting of five girls and now me, the only guy. And what can I say, I am having the time of my life with them, its really awesome. And of course it had to happen sooner or later, I fell for one of them.

 

Back then she was in a relationship with a guy called Jeff (not real name) that lasted for 5 months. He broke up with her because he said he didnt have feelings for her and might still love his ex. After that, I started wanting her but didnt make a move because she was still very into Jeff and very hurt and I didnt want to be a rebound guy or exploit her hurt feelings.

 

Then she suddenly got another boyfriend, again for 5 months, and again he broker up with her because he didnt have feelings for her. Now thats a few months ago and she is over the 2nd guy. Lately, our relationship started to change. We got a lot closer, we text every day. We also got a lot more touchy and we somerimes give each other kisses on our cheeks.

 

So one evening I thought we were flirting and touching a lot and I was about to make a move, when she told me that I am her best friend and she wished for me to have "the best girl there is, or guy if thats what you want". Of course I clearly clarified I want girls but whatever guts I had to make a move were crushed that evening.

 

Now recently she started talking about Jeff again. They are separated for more than 8 months now but still she sais mad things about him, hoping he is in love with her (she didnt even hear anything from him). She invited him to gomsee their favorite comedian this saturday and told us (our group of friends) that we should be prepared to take care of her if it doesnt go well.

 

And yet, she keeps talking in the highest tones about me and we are kinda flirty. A lot of friends have asked me already if we are dating or if I were in love with her.

 

I kniw this screams: get out of there, you got no chance!!! I know that. And while my mind knows that, I cant get my heart to follow. I still find myself hoping that saturday goes real bad for her (concerning Jeff), that this miracoulously heals her and she realises I am Mr. Right Guy. As ridiculous as that sounds.

 

So what should I do? What can I do? I cannot stop seeing her, we are im that group of friends partying every weekend, meeting up during the week oftentimes, and I dont want to stop seeing all these awesome freidns. In addition to that, we are going on a 2-week vacation in december, got plans to go away for new years and even another 2-week holiday scheduled for next april. So not seeing her is not an option. But in that case, how do I handle my feelings? Or should I keep on hoping?

 

All my friends are saying that there is no way Jeff wants her back. I still am very affraid of saturday. Why did we get this touchy and flirty a few weeks ago, if there is nothing between us? Maybe she likes me too but thinks I am not interested? Oh lord, I am in way over my head. I domt think my mind works very rational lately

 

Oh, if its of any interest, I am 25 and she is 23.

 

Thank you for your interest.

[LostOnes05]

You've got to pick up your sack first and tell her how you feel. That's the only way she is going to know how you truly feel. The fact that she indicated that you deserve the best girl or guy says to me that she is unsure of your sexual orientation. Do you have any close male friends? One of my (I'm a guy) best buddies is a gay man and at first I noticed he only hung out with women. He talked about movies and dances the same way the girls did. I say this because she might have misconstrued your presence in the group as wanting to be one of the girls (not trying to be a dick either). I think you need to do three things. Get some guy friends if you don't have any, tell her how you feel about her, and set yourself on the periphery of this all girl group. You'll still be in the group but you won't be seen as a girlfriend...because that's worse than the friend zone.

[preraph]

If you feel things are truly mutually flirty, then I guess you tell her how you feel. But the fact this other guy doesn't want her has no bearings on her feelings for you. She won't shift new feelings to you just because he disappears. Doesn't work that way. I believe if she had romantic interest in you, it would have already happened, but you are going to have to get this out in the open since you will not be able to escape her anyway, so may as well come clean and ask her if she ever thought about you being her boyfriend. Normally, I say act, don't talk, but you can't just turn away and hide with her in your circle of friends. Believe me I've been there. And the other reason to get romance on or off the table with her and out in the open is so that other people's perceptions that you might have something going on don't prevent someone interested in either one of you from making a move. Keep this up and you'll be in relationship paralysis for years. Trust me, I know. Her friends afraid to act, even if they had a crush on you, etc. Or new girls who know someone getting the word you are taken. You don't want that. When she said that about hoping you get the right girl, maybe it was when she was thinking she'd be with that other guy -- or not. Anyway, you're close, you're flirty, so just be adult and find out if she has any interest in really dating.

[carlos89]

Thank you guys, I guess talking to her is the best option.

 

So how do I do this? What should I say? And more importantly, when? Before saturday or after? Before the holiday, during or after?

[preraph]

Well, don't push for a time. Maybe it's too busy before the holiday. Just ask her out somewhere kind of private or to go for a walk sometime when she's not busy. Good luck. Happy holidays as well.

[Strength in Healing]

So one evening I thought we were flirting and touching a lot and I was about to make a move, when she told me that I am her best friend and she wished for me to have "the best girl there is, or GUY if thats what you want".

 

 

 

Lol, oh lord. Example #9,317,418 that guys and girls cannot be friends.

[preraph]

You know, during the conversation, you can tell her that you get asked if you two are together and let her know some people assume you are and that if you're not, it's limiting both of you socially. "People see us as a couple. We either need to fix that or be a couple."

[carlos89]

Hey guys,

 

So today we went out. I wouldnt call it a date, it was VERY sponateous (lets meet in 10 minutes!). For starters, it was a wonderful evening and we had a lot of fun. If there wasnt rhe small thing of me crushing on her...

 

So at first we were out on a christmas market and drank a few drinks, we talked a lot and it was all good. Then we started to go home, of course I took her home, and we spontaneously went to a pub. There we talked a lot about personal stuff.

 

To be exact, she did. She started talking about meeting Jeff on saturday. She is very nervous about it. She said there are three possibilities: a) she realizes he is not that great, b) he does and nothing happens, c) they get back together. She also told me that in the 5 months they dated, Jeff was better than her previous 7-year relationship. She talked a LOT about how good it was to be with Jeff. She told me about Jeffs parents and how they met and behave, she talked a lot about her other ex and how she thinks he could be a good friend of her some day, wothout any romance.

 

So looking at all of this, I did not talk about my feelings. It wasnt very flirty either. We were sitting very close, bodys touchign yes, but not flirty. She lao asked me to go shopping tomorrow but I declined, because of all the ex-talk.

 

At one point she grabbed my knee and said "we need to find you a girl"

 

She then showed me photos of her family on her phone. Dping that, I saw that her last 2 searches were me (most recent) and then Jeff. I also saw that she sent her mother pictures of both her exes and me. What does this mean???

 

I will definately wait what happens on saturday. And even if it goes my way and they dont get together, what shall I do? I am clearly friendzoned. I do think that she is a girl where its kind of easy to get out of the friendzone, I know her pretty well. But do I want that? She is sooo obsessed with Jeff.

 

What should I do? What should I try to feel? It was such a great evening with her, but it felt very friendzoned. We were touching yes, but to be honest it was all coming from me and she didnt pull back.

 

I guess I need to get out of my feelings and enjoy having so many good friends I can enjoy my time with. But its sooooo hard! What domyou guys think?

 

My hope is that nothing happens on saturday, and then I can hint at us dating (maybe via talking about other ppl thinking that we,are datin) and then telling her how I feel, in due time?!

 

But this is torturing myself.... Or is it worth it??

[elaine567]

DO not wait till Saturday to tell her how you feel, because she may be off in a whirlwind with Jeff, they will date and may even get married and you will regret that big time. If only.. you had said something.

 

I did that with an ex-bf, we were friends after the break up.

We saw other people for a while, but we were really good friends and told each other everything.

After a while we happened to both be single again, he expressed an interest in getting back together but I hesitated and by hesitating, he took that as meaning I wasn't interested. He then met someone else and I decided to wait till that relationship fizzled out as all the others had done, BUT it never fizzled out and he married her... If only...

[carlos89]

Thank you for your reply. I fear that if I tell her before saturday and something happens, she will wonder what might have happened with Jeff for ever. What do you think?

[oldshirt]

Jeff is not the issue here. The real issue is that you are sooooo deep in the friendzone that your job is going to be to hand her tissues while she is crying about all these guys that she is having trouble with.

 

 

Dude wake up - you are so passive with her that SHE THINKS YOU ARE GAY!!!

 

 

Let's start with the basics, have you ever had a real date or ever kissed a girl or had sex with anyone before ....sex with a female?

 

 

You are really shooting yourself in foot by being these chicks girlfriend. You need to start dating women and not running around being on of the girls with them.

 

 

Your issue here is not Jeff, you issue is she doesn't see you as a real man. Real men don't run around going to luncheons and shopping with the girls. Real men flirt with women, ask them on bona fide dates, hit on them, put moves on them, make out with them and make their panties wet and then have sex with them.

 

 

She doesn't even know if you are heterosexual or not and you are hoping she picks you as her BF????????????????????

 

 

Stop accessory shopping with girls, trade the Subaru in for a Mustang, lose the Birckenstocks, start lifting weights and start asking women out on real dates.

 

 

My advice is don't start with this particular gal, you are too deep into the friendzone and if you ask her out or make some kind of grand gesture like an '80s teen movie it will just her out. Start asking out and dating other women for awhile until she can at least see that you are a straight guy that at least has a healthy interest in women. Once you are consistently dating other women that are in her league, she will at least take you seriously as a contender.

[oldshirt]

There is one more thing that I also really want to make a point about.

 

 

For starters a little about me. I am now 50 years old. I was single and on the dating market until I was 31 which was when I got engaged and then married and I have been happily married for the past 19 years.

 

 

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now but could only change one thing, that one thing would be this - I wouldn't let the fact that some gal was dating a guy prevent me from asking her out.

 

 

You read that right, if I was interested in a woman and she was not married or engaged with a date set, I would ask her out and pursue her just like I would a completely free and single gal regardless of the fact she was dating someone.

 

 

There are a number of reasons for that, here's why -

 

 

- women will date guys just to be dating someone. Many young women will go out with a guy for weeks, months or even years after she knows he's not "the one" just to have a "place holder" until something better comes along.

 

 

- Until a couple is engaged with a ring purchased and a date set and deposits down on the church and reception etc, it is still free market place. Engagement is the commitment, dating is not.

 

 

- the most desirable women are never completely free and clear, they are always dating someone to one degree or another. In the dwindling days of one relationship, they will start lining up their next suitor and then they will monkey swing to the next. There is usually a period of overlap.

 

 

- If you aren't the one that is being warmed up on deck and next in line when she monkey swings, you are going to be watching from the bleachers. If you wait until she is complete free and clear and "over her ex" you are just simply going to be bystander in the friendzone handing her a tissue wiping the tear out of her eye as you listen to her sob stories of how all these big bad men have mistreated her.

 

 

- you are either the tear-wiper and the emotional tampon or you are the one involved in the drama. You decide which you are going to be .......but I'll give you a little hint, the one involved in the drama is the one that is reaping the benefits.

 

 

So the moral of the story here is always make your move the moment you are interested. NEVER and I do mean NEVER EVER EVER wait until someone is completely free and clear and single before you make your move. Show your interest and your intentions at the moment you feel your heart to a little flutter kick.

 

 

She will do one of three things. She'll either take you up on it on the spot. Or she will decline the offer but put you on the waiting list (and if you are serious enough and make the most valid offer you will be moved up to the front of the pack for when she monkey-swings. Or she will just reject your advances outright and then you will know where you stand and will be able to just move on to someone else without having invested much time or energy.

 

 

Right now you are doing the absolute worst thing you can and that is you are wasting time and energy and shooting yourself in the foot by being her girlfriend and ruining any chances you might ever have because by being her girlfriend and her emotional tampon and tear-wiper, you look like a pussy to her and she can not take you seriously as a man. (the proof of which is her not knowing if you prefer men or women)

[oldshirt]

"

 

My hope is that nothing happens on saturday, and then I can hint at us dating (maybe via talking about other ppl thinking that we,are datin) and then telling her how I feel, in due time?!

 

 

 

Dude you seriously need to nut-up. "hinting" about dating is what chicks do and even they do it poorly. And talking about what other people are thinking is what my Aunt Beulah and all her bridge club old ladies do. Are you using Estrogen cream on your acne scars or something??

 

 

Have you ever seen John Wayne or Clint Eastwood or any other guy with a sack 'hint' at dating or talking about other people thinking they are dating???

 

 

No!! if someone trips their trigger, they ask them out on a bona fide date on the spot.

 

 

 

 

I honestly don't care if you get anywhere with this chick or not because frankly I think she is a lost cause and you'd be better off just letting her go and then hitting the 'reset' button and starting over with someone else.

 

 

But regardless with how things go with her this weekend would you promise me that from this day forward will you stop with all the 'let's-be-lesbian-friends' with all these gals and just starting asking out women on real dates the moment you feel some attraction for them?

 

 

Can you make me that solemn pledge?? Please???

[preraph]

I think you should tell her you'd make a better boyfriend than either of those two guys and see what she says. Next time she says "We need to find you a girlfriend," say, "We wouldn't need to if you'd dump Jeff and be my girlfriend." It does sound like friendzone, but her sending the photo to her mom is kind of interesting. I just think you need to let her know you like her more than just a friend.

[oldshirt]

Any updates?