My boyfriend is not honoring an agreement.

[Brekky at Tiffany's]

I know the title sounds very clinical but that is really the crux of the issue. In short we are both young but have been together “forever”. We decided we wanted to try threesomes and after much discussion which lasted over a year we finally took the plunge with an agreement that it would be with another woman first and then another man. We set many ground rules and have stuck to them.

 

So for the last 9 months or so we were seeing other women and I freely admit I enjoyed every minute of it after a shaky start. We have just had our first date with another man and we didn’t even get through dinner before my bf pulled the pin and said no. I was fine with that as if he didn’t like the guy then fair enough but now he tells me that he doesn’t want a threesome with another guy ever.

 

Now I say that’s not fair and we should at least have a few more tries and actually make sure we get home at least once. I say that based on how we started with another woman when I was very hesitant but after finally taking the plunge thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

He says that I enjoyed it all and that he really doesn’t and can’t stand the thought of me being with another man so that makes it different. It’s not different at all as I initially felt the same way about him with other women but once letting go of my inhibitions came to get immense pleasure from it.

 

I guess what I am asking is am I being a complete bitch by trying to get him to follow through with the agreement? Has he just set this up beautifully from his point if view and never intended to honor the second part of the agreement? Or should he at least give it a try as I am positive he would enjoy it if he did.

 

We have gone from having a relationship that had the most wonderful open honest communication to him just refusing to even discuss it at all. It's just no, no, no, and I'm not talking about it.

 

I think another side issue is that I feel a bit used as he got everything he wanted and I am left still wondering whether I would enjoy it and what experiences I could have.

 

He has “offered” to me that I can go and be with another guy if I want as long as I don’t tell him about it. He totally does not get it, I want him there, I want him a part of it, I have no desire to be with another man one on one.

[Toodaloo]

At the time there were probably a couple of things going on in his head along the lines of

 

1. If she does it I should and I may be able to get out of it later

2. Its all cool

3. I am not all that attached

 

now he probably has

 

1. Oh my God am I gay if I get into a sexual situation with another man

2. Oh my God I can't stand the thought of watching another man penetrate my girlfriend

3. Oh my God I can't cope with any of this.

 

I think that you need to talk to him more. Find out what it is that worries him. Is he worried other guy will try to penetrate him, would he prefer if other guy only did oral on you etc etc... Find out what his worries are and set your boundaries from there.

 

If he still refuses then I am afraid that you just have to accept that no means no. The question as to whether he has manipulated you and how you feel about that is only one you can answer I am afraid.

 

Are there other ways in which you could get the same experience with out another man perhaps? Using a dildo instead?

 

These things are always a bit complicated and there are so many emotions and thoughts etc that can cloud things. Perhaps it would be better to chalk it up to experience and be done with??

[Brekky at Tiffany's]

I think that you need to talk to him more. Find out what it is that worries him. Is he worried other guy will try to penetrate him, would he prefer if other guy only did oral on you etc etc... Find out what his worries are and set your boundaries from there.

 

I'd love to talk to him more but he is just totally not interested. He says his decision is made and that's all there is to it. This is not the way we have resolved things all through our relationship.

 

I am just disappointed that I can't and wont ever get to have the experiences that could be had. I'm not the sort of person to hold a grudge but I am probably angrier than I have a right to be right now.

[CalvinM]

You're an idiot for agreeing to this. No guy in his right mind is going to watch his gf get penetrated. Especially after almost a year of sex with other women.

 

He probably agreed to it because he wanted a threesome and knew he could just say no to one with guys.

[Maleficent]

I've been wanting to do threesomes (two women, one man) for years now (I'm female). I've met countless couples willing to let me join them but always back up at the last minute.

Why? I'm not sure.

 

Since you say you used to have an open communication type relationship before, then it's probably related to the FFM threesome but I doubt he agreed to doing the MMF just so you would agree to the FFM.

 

There could be many reasons as to why he backed down and I think you need to respect that - at least for now.

Being pissy because 'he got his and I didn't get mine' is not going to help the relationship.

 

If I were you I would let him know how I feel and tell him that when he is ready to talk about it, you would like to know what happened that made him change his mind.

 

Anything else will ruin your relationship imo.

[central]

We've done both kinds of threesomes, as well as swinging with other couples. At first, it was kind of surprising just how many people do this. It was also a surprise to learn that the majority of threesomes are MFM, despite FMF being a very common male fantasy.

 

Anyway, it's impossible to say if your SO did a bait and switch on you to get what he wanted, or if he genuinely couldn't handle MFM when it was about to become reality. I understand your anger at the outcome, whether it was deception or something else. Now the question is what to do about it, if anything? That, only you can figure out eventually, but no doubt it would help if you knew what he was thinking. You may never know.

[elaine567]

You found out here that the wonderful open relationship you thought you were in, where you could talk about anything sexually and were willing to try new experiences, stopped dead when HE decided it wasn't for him.

 

I have the feeling that you were used here to satisfy HIS FFM fantasies, but he had no intention ever of carrying out the MMF fantasy.

[dragon_fly_7]

Typical jerkish mentality; these guys operate under the assumption that sexual fantasies should only be male oriented and that women should only be ok with their fantasies...well obviously because it's so great for the. They get their satisfaction, always being one-sided. Yet, if the woman wants to apply her own fantasies of obviously being with another man suddenly it's ''Omg, she's going to bang another guy''.

 

I got a short story of how I stopped my then bf talking about his fantasy:

During the long-distance he brought this into the conversation....oh yeah typical guy freely expressing his idea of what I would think if he brought another girl and if I'm into having sex with her. I obviously have no sexual attraction towards women and as a joke (was on the verge of breaking up a while back anyways) I was like ''Sure, how about if I were in bed with another man'' which he was then ''Oh noo, no, others are then going to call you a slut''.

 

Then I added ''Alright how about if I were just dating another guy and only make-out with him, just that'' and he was still ''That's ok, I'm not interested in any threesomes''. Off course you're not interested when the woman isn't going to just let you have your way, might also have her own fantasy and obviously doesn't fantasized about having sex with other women.''

 

I'm glad I broke up (for other reasons too). Ever since that, I've made the new rule of dumping any guy that shows hypocrisy towards the sex double standards as well as fantasies too. And this is coming from a woman that's not interested in any threesomes. I just said that to see what else he had to say, which got him to quickly ditch the idea.

[Brekky at Tiffany's]

Thanks for all the replies. I was afraid that I would get those responses.

 

So if he really did use me with no intention of ever following through where does that leave us? I love him and have never considered leaving but I am upset right now, mad even. And it's not because I don't get to be with another man, it's because he has totally disregarded my feelings and my desires by not at least giving it a few more tries to see if something does eventually click. I can't believe he would treat me like this but it looks like he is.

 

If we were to continue on how can I believe him the next time he makes a promise? It seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, a relationship without trust or ending the relationship. After sharing so much together and having such a great connection I can't believe it has come to this.

 

Is it possible to get that trust back?

[blueskyday]

Trust is a shaky thing when you feel your boyfriend is acting selfishly. Love is about putting another's best interests at the same level or above your own.

 

You tried. He didn't. He's willing to leave you unsatisfied with the situation. He got what he wanted. Now he won't even discuss anything with you.

 

You may be worried he is self centered. If he is, then it's a character defect, and a deal breaker in my book. It will always be his way. Your needs will come second.

 

If he simply changed his mind, he should be able to talk about why in a heartfelt manner instead of dismissing you. He does have the right to change his mind, but he should care about how that affects you.

 

I would try to talk to him one more time. If he's uncooperative, uncaring of your feelings, or uncommunicative, then you have to decide if you want a relationship like that.

[Maleficent]

Thanks for all the replies. I was afraid that I would get those responses.

 

So if he really did use me with no intention of ever following through where does that leave us? I love him and have never considered leaving but I am upset right now, mad even. And it's not because I don't get to be with another man, it's because he has totally disregarded my feelings and my desires by not at least giving it a few more tries to see if something does eventually click. I can't believe he would treat me like this but it looks like he is.

 

If we were to continue on how can I believe him the next time he makes a promise? It seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, a relationship without trust or ending the relationship. After sharing so much together and having such a great connection I can't believe it has come to this.

 

Is it possible to get that trust back?

 

People on here don't know your boyfriend. You shouldn't assume he used you to get his fantasy with no intention of giving back because a bunch of people here think it's what happened.

 

The only way you will know for sure if this is what happened is if you sit down with him and tell him this is how you feel.

The only real response you will get is from him directly. Not any of us here.

[Toodaloo]

People on here don't know your boyfriend. You shouldn't assume he used you to get his fantasy with no intention of giving back because a bunch of people here think it's what happened.

 

The only way you will know for sure if this is what happened is if you sit down with him and tell him this is how you feel.

The only real response you will get is from him directly. Not any of us here.

 

Its always very easy to quickly judge someone. But there are a whole heap of other things that may be going through his head right now. He may not even be confident in those things being his actual opinion or how he feels.

 

The only way you are going to resolve this is by talking to him. It may take time but a calm, honest approach is needed before you can decide what is actually going on.

[TheGuard13]

The issue shouldn't be that he used you, because for all you know, he simply thought he could and discovered he couldn't, or that he failed to live up to his end of a bargain...

 

 

And it doesn't so much matter that he doesn't want to do this.

 

 

The issue is that you clearly really want to do this and he doesn't.

 

 

It might behoove you to find out why, but it seems more like this particular scenario creates a basic sexual incompatability between the two of you. Decide how badly you want the MFM experience, and if its worth ending your relationship over.

[Arieswoman]

I'm sorry Brekky, but this is about the size of it ;-

 

It seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, a relationship without trust or ending the relationship.

 

You have 2 choices and they are both lousey but at least you know where you stand. Be glad you have found this out now, and aren't in this predicament 5 years down the line.

 

Is it possible to get that trust back?

 

Frankly - no.

 

If he thinks it's OK to make a promise and renege on it later, that says a lot about his capacity for following through. You need to bear this in mind while you are considering what to do.

 

Suppose you decided to buy a property together and split the cost, and at the last minute he said that he couldn't afford it/didn't want to do it? Same behaviour, different scenario.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

I'd be feeling more than a bit used and be very angry at him at this point, possibly to the point of leaving. He knew all along he wasn't going to let you have sex with other men. He put his desire to have sex with other women and multiple women above everything else and he lied and manipulated to get what he wants. Honestly, he deserves a frying pan to the head, but then you'd just be stuck with someone with even less brain function, if that's possible. Honestly, his lying and manipulating would be a deal breaker for me.

[Omei]

You're an idiot for agreeing to this. No guy in his right mind is going to watch his gf get penetrated. Especially after almost a year of sex with other women.

 

He probably agreed to it because he wanted a threesome and knew he could just say no to one with guys.

 

You would be surprised at how many •come screw my gf/wife• ads there are on craiglist

 

(I have a hobby of reading peoples dirty secrets)

 

But I agree that he never really planned to do a threesome with a man and got what he wanted.

 

I suggest never doing anything like that with him again if he cant honor agreements in the bedroom.

 

I'd also just drop the whole thing he wont go through with it no point in trying

[rester]

I'm going to go against everyone here judging this guy for pulling a fast one and knowing that he would never go through with the threesome. How can any of us know that about him? It could very well be that he got cold feet and can't handle a situation that he thought he'd be able to.

 

That said, if he's unwilling to even discuss it with you, I'd say it's a lost cause fantasy unless you leave the relationship.

 

I'm curious though, during the FFM threesome, who was mostly concentrating on who? Did he have contact with the other woman, or was it the both of them pleasing you? There's a big difference between him getting with another woman and you being a part of it, and you being pleasured by him and another woman without him and the other woman focusing on each other. Were these things discussed?

[labayer]

You have every right to be mad at him and disappointed, I would be too. There are two possibilities:

 

- He never wanted to go through with a MFM threesome but he told you he would so he would get his FMF threesome. That would make him a selfish liar.

 

- OR he initially wanted to go through with it but got cold feet. That doesn't make it much better, because he had enough time to get those cold feet BEFORE he slept with all these women. Plus, he could at least do you a favour and try to meet another man with you another time. But it seems like he doesn't even want to talk about it.

 

 

If I was you, I would dump him. He seems incredibly selfish and doesn't care about your feelings or his promises. Plus it is hard to ever regain the trust you had in him.

[BlueIris]

Trust is a shaky thing when you feel your boyfriend is acting selfishly. Love is about putting another's best interests at the same level or above your own.

 

You tried. He didn't. He's willing to leave you unsatisfied with the situation. He got what he wanted. Now he won't even discuss anything with you.

 

You may be worried he is self centered. If he is, then it's a character defect, and a deal breaker in my book. It will always be his way. Your needs will come second.

 

If he simply changed his mind, he should be able to talk about why in a heartfelt manner instead of dismissing you. He does have the right to change his mind, but he should care about how that affects you.

 

I would try to talk to him one more time. If he's uncooperative, uncaring of your feelings, or uncommunicative, then you have to decide if you want a relationship like that.

 

I'd be feeling more than a bit used and be very angry at him at this point, possibly to the point of leaving. He knew all along he wasn't going to let you have sex with other men. He put his desire to have sex with other women and multiple women above everything else and he lied and manipulated to get what he wants. Honestly, he deserves a frying pan to the head, but then you'd just be stuck with someone with even less brain function, if that's possible. Honestly, his lying and manipulating would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I agree with blueskyday and preraph. This man doesn’t keep his word to you, and worse, doesn’t have the guts to admit it and take responsibility for it. I bet he knows what he did and that’s why he refuses to talk to you about it. It isn’t about threesomes or sex any more. It’s about his knowing that he tricked you.

[slizl]

That's why you have threesomes with randoms, not your BF/GF...

[Brekky at Tiffany's]

I'm curious though, during the FFM threesome, who was mostly concentrating on who?

 

It was totally awesome, there was no-one who was concentrated on more than another. That was a concern before we started but it just worked for us. I don't think we specifically concentrated on making things even but it just worked out that way, at least I never for a moment felt like a third wheel.

 

Our initial agreement was that it would be 6 months on one style of threesome followed by 6 months of the other and then sit back and reassess. We decided which one to do first by a coin toss of all things, lol. The only reason the threesomes with other women went longer was that we had a steady "girlfriend" that neither of us wanted to give up. It was only after her ex came back in her life that she walked away. That's when we decided to move on to the threesomes with men and well you know the story from there.

 

Were these things discussed?

 

We discussed this for a year before we finally decided yes. We bought up all scenarios, we dwelled on them for a while and the re-discussed them. I'm not sure we could have been any more open about our desires and fears. I was truly confidant going into this that we had all bases covered. And up until now that was the case.

 

I am going to lay all my cards on the table this weekend and pretty much demand he talks to me about this. I am worth more than being ignored. If he doesn't come to the party then I am left with a very hard decision. This is not even about the threesomes anymore, it's about him respecting me.

 

This is so out of character for him so I suspect he is struggling to come to terms with something and I totally empathize with that but I am not some random stranger or workmate, I am his girlfriend, the one he says he trusts implicitly. It's time he shows that with actions.

[Brekky at Tiffany's]

Well we've had our chat and I'm not sure what to make of it, maybe we can decipher it together?

 

He said everything right, he opened up, he admitted his fears, we discussed them, we put them to rest, you would think it was all perfect. But I am still mad deep inside that he blew me off for so long, while I love him for opening up I am still hurt that it took so long. Am I being foolish by hanging on to that?

 

It wasn't even really ever an issue either besides in his head. He is, to use his words, only orally bisexual. He had worked himself up thinking that he would have to go further. I would never expect him to do anything he didn't want.

 

So I'm still working through how I feel about his reluctance to openly speak initially and he has now got a new lease of life. So much so that he came around this morning with his mate with the full expectation that we would have our first threesome with him. Maybe guys are different but I still have a few emotions to deal with. I guess I ask again, am I hanging on to something I shouldn't be? Is this just guys moving on so quickly?

 

His friend is really attractive too and I would have loved to but the timing was just all wrong. But now I'm unsure whether I am just being emotional and holding on to something that by and large is dealt with or whether I am in the right holding him to account for his reluctance to speak initially.

 

What do you all think? Am I just being a bit precious? At it's most basic level, taking emotions out of it, I am now getting what I want, or rather what we want. So I don't understand why I am holding on to this anger, it's not what I would normally do.