Parental Abandonment & Dating Patterns

[OldMaidJuliet]

I need to get this off my chest.

 

I was a daddy's girl who believed unquestioningly that he loved me. We continued to be close after my parents' divorce. Then, shortly before I became a teenager, he went NC, and has maintained NC for over 19 years & counting. There was no explanation or goodbye. I tried to reinitiate contact to no avail. As a result, I lost siblings & half my family. I have reason to believe that he or his wife has gone so far as to threaten them with repercussions if they have anything to do with me now that we're adults. I feel betrayed & confused. I was certain he loved me, but was wrong. I don't know how to trust in anyone's love again. I sometimes question the love of my partners- even their entire characters- without provocation.

 

I find myself being especially attracted to older men. I think I would like these men even if they were younger. I don't only like older men, nor do I like all older men. Of the three men I've loved most one was older, one my age, & one younger. Yet, I think I have a thing for older men. Also, I think I am open to dating men who are much older than the men most women my age would date. I have dated and wanted men twice my age, and even over twice my age.

 

I just got out of a 6 1/2 year relationship with an older man who told me the entire time that while he loved me, it was not & never would be romantic love. I passed on the possibility of mutual love, marriage and kids with other men to stay with him. I feel like I would have loved this man either way, but would not have put up with what I did if my father hadn't taught me I can't expect any better. I also wonder if I put up with it because I was trying to work through the issues I had with my father with this man. I loved them both- in different ways- but neither reciprocated my love. Maybe I thought if I could win his love, I could prove I wasn't defective. Instead, I reinforced my negative beliefs, made new wounds & reopened/deepened old ones. My ex said it was not my fault that he couldn't love me, but it feels like my fault.

 

Collective issues in the romantic department, & this double failure have caused me to be overly sensitive to male rejection. If I feel a man I like is rejecting me as a friend, I get more upset than normal. The very thought, sometimes, that they might not want me as I want them can be very upsetting. I feel like I can't take this anymore. I don't get angry, I just get sad & anxious.

 

Bad circumstances also aren't deterrents to me. I like a man right now who would rip my heart to shreds. I want to let him hurt me. I want him to break me down, use me, whatever, just be with me. I swear I think this is partly because my father has destroyed my mind when it comes to relationships. I know I'm responsible for my choices, but he has done a number on my heart & head, as has dating.

[Brooke02]

Have you tried counseling? I think it would greatly help you through some if these issues.

[StalwartMind]

As Brooke said, counseling may be one thing to consider, and there is no shame it seeking aid in any shape or form. If it can help you get through something or just learn to deal with things better, then that is progress in the right direction.

 

I don't see anything wrong with being attracted to men that are older or younger for that matter. It may be related to your relationship and experience with your father and some issues that you feel are not dealt with.

 

There are many reasons as to why people stay in unhealthy relationship or even just situations in life that are truly damaging to you. In no way could i recommend anyone to throw themselves into a situation where they would possibly be abused and mistreated, but I very much understand why someone find that to be a valid option, regardless of how unhealthy it may be to you both physically and mentally.

 

I doubt most people enjoy rejection, however one can learn to turn defeats and bad experiences into a positive a better self. No one is perfect, and no achieves becoming better at anything without trying and putting in an effort. It does seem though that your unresolved issues with your father is a really good reason to find a way to get that dealt with so you can move on. I have a friend myself, whom has zero family left where they actually due to sheer ignorance and mistreatment made her an outcast despite she didn't do anything wrong. I know how hard it is on her and I wouldn't wish that or anything like it on anyone else, so it most certainly is really important to find someone to speak to whom can understand.

[preraph]

You need psychological counseling. I think it's terrible your dad abandoned you. I can't imagine why he would do that. Of course, you're devastated by it.

 

Now with your thing for older men, you're trying to "fix" the dad relationship by recreating it, but that didn't work. You recreated it and it just happened again. In real life, this situation with your dad would hardly ever happen where they stuck with you and then were done once you were an adult. It's not normal. While there are many inaccessible men who seem unable to love, it's rare that happens with one's own offspring. I wonder if he's not on dope or alcohol or has lied to his present wife about other children or something -- but there is no excuse for it.

 

Because your dad was your main role model for men, you are looking for someone like him subconsciously now that you are an adult. And that is not good, as you can well imagine. The traits that you must avoid, you will be blind to because as a child, they were your norm. But he had to have those bad traits when you were a child and they couldn't have just started unless 1) he had a bad brain injury or 2) it's substance abuse or 3) adult-onset mental illness. So look into any of those possibilities in case there can be any physical explanation which might comfort you (or scare you to death if it's hereditary). You need therapy to sort out what you missed seeing in him that you were oblivious to that caused this reaction years later. Then you need to make a conscious effort to NOT look for anyone like your daddy to love. I'm so sorry.

[Quiet Storm]

It's good that you have insight into why you do what you do. It's always positive to be introspective, and I think you are correct in that many of your issues are related to the circumstances with your father.

 

The problem is that learning WHY we do things, doesn't change the pattern. Awareness is the easy part. You logically know that you are seeking resolution with your father through these guys- you are aware enough to see the pattern. But your emotional response overrides that logic, making your awareness essentially useless (because you are not putting this valuable information about yourself/ your weaknesses to good use).

 

You need to learn to use your insight in a positive way. You have to be your own parent, and love yourself, nurture yourself & protect yourself. If your child ran out in the street in front of car, you'd protectively pull her back to the curb. This is what you have to do for yourself- when you see yourself making unhealthy choices (like the guy you are attracted to now), you must have strong boundaries in place to protect yourself. You have to be able to pull yourself back up on the curb and out of the path of the speeding car.

 

Due to your issues with your father, you will probably always feel drawn to unavailable, older men who clearly have the potential to emotionally harm you. Counseling can give us the tools to protect ourselves, but it doesn't always change those "attractions". So instead of focusing on "I should not be attracted to him, he has so many deterrents.", tell yourself "I am attracted to him, but it's an unhealthy attraction, so I cannot feed the attraction". Many people are disappointed with counseling because they expect it to cure their issues, but it doesn't make our issues disappear. Instead, it teaches us how to manage our issues, so that our choices reflect our logic and are based in reality- and not based on our emotions or unresolved issues from childhood.

 

You are aware enough to recognize your pattern, but you have to go further and stop yourself from engaging. Acknowledge the attraction, but don't act on it. Disengage, even though it's goes against what your emotionally unhealthy mind wants you to do. You have to make a conscious effort to fight those feelings, and behave how you know you SHOULD. Your choices do not have to be driven by your feelings.

 

We teach two year old toddlers that even though their emotions may prompt them to fall to the floor in tears at the toy store, they have to keep it together. We teach them that even though they are angry, they can't hit their siblings. This shows that very early in life, we learn that our behavior does not have to be a reflection of our emotions. Attraction is just an emotion, and while we may not be able to "unfeel" the attraction, we can decide what to do with the attraction. We can choose to feed the attraction by spending time with the person, or we can starve the attraction with boundaries & detachment.

 

You don't have to be a slave to your feelings.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[OldMaidJuliet]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

 

 

To Brooke & everyone else who suggested counseling:

 

 

I've had counseling in the past for other things, but to be honest, I've mostly avoided the issue of my father. I think that's partly because for a long time, I told myself that it wasn't a big deal. I told myself I was lucky because he never abused me, & I had other family members to love & support me. I told myself it was common place, & therefore, how bad could it be? I felt ashamed for caring about him & what he'd done when he did not care for me. I guess on some level, I still try to minimize, though I've gotten better about 1. Admitting to myself that it has impacted me, & I do care, & 2. Being open with others. However, I've still never admitted to my mother- or the sibling that I still have contact with (share a mom, not a dad) that my father's actions bother me. I've never admitted to them that it ever upset me. This is in spite of the fact that my sibling's dad was sometimes absent, also, & one of their siblings will not speak to them, either. I have trouble being that vulnerable with them.

 

 

Recently, I went back to therapy. I've only seen the new T once. This time, I decided I wanted to discuss my relationship issues, & my father. I've started to accept that it's something I need to talk about. Yet, when I tried to shift the conversation over in that direction, I ended up crying. I hadn't had any sleep, & I've been under stress over a number of things, so I guess I was more emotional than usual. I felt embarassed. I also felt like I had to preface the whole thing with, "I know it's not a big deal..." I felt ashamed for being so upset over it, & felt as though I had to apologize for making it into something more than it should be.

 

 

The therapist seemed supportive. However, when I told the T that I felt like it was my fault that my recent partner did not love me, they suggested that I liked to be in control. WTF? I don't understand why wanting & needing your lover of 6 1/2 yrs. to love you, & feeling responsible for their lack of love makes you controlling. *shrugs* I'm not sure if she sees this as much of an issue. I thought about discussing it further to illustrate that it is. However, it is hard with a new T to bring up embarassing or personal things. Also, at one point, she mentioned God, & brought spirituality into her response. No offense to her or God- & I'm spiritual myself- but I figure that she's probably religious & this makes me feel uncomfortable because I worry that she will judge me & my relationships. I decided in that moment that I'm not comfortable admitting some of the things I was going to address in this regard. If I can't confess my sins to a religious person, I guess that means I'll never be Catholic. I don't know whether to get another T or just stick it out. I've had a hard time finding a therapist, so I might have to make this work.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Stalwart, thanks for the understanding & supportive response. I just posted a reply before this, & addressed the counseling. I wanted to add that the shame issue has deterred some of my relatives from getting help previously & presently. I don't think it's shameful to see a T, & appreciate you supporting people in this. I'm ashamed to admit that my father has affected me this much, though. I am also ashamed to reveal certain details about my relationships to a T.

 

I don't think it's wrong to date people of different ages. I also believe it is truly possible for a couple with a big age gap to still be in love, & to have as much in common as couples who are closer in age. However, I do worry that a lot (not all) of older men don't take younger women seriously, but see us only as playthings & not equals whom they could love. I also worry that the men who go for much younger women tend to have a type, & prefer them younger. That makes me worry that as I age, they will want to replace me with a newer model.

 

I do think there are some other drawbacks, also. I know my partner will likely wind down before I do, which could cause some issues. I'm not saying I would reject a partner due to this, or that they wouldn't be worth it. However, it might be better to avoid falling for older men because of this. Also, I know it means they will likely die sooner, & this is a source of stress. It's sad knowing you might not get to keep your partner for long, or that you will likely be left alone in your middle age, starting over again. Of course, there's no guarantee a younger lover will live longer, either, & heck, I might go first. Older men are more likely to be married, though, which is problematic. Also, while I wouldn't let it stop me, my mother will give me grief for dating older men, as she considers them predatory & thinks the whole arrangement is disgusting.

 

The age thing is really not my main worry, though. I just keep falling for people who are going to hurt me either due to who they are or to their circumstances, such as my emotionally guarded previous partner. I stay in situations I shouldn't- like a relationship in which the person has made it clear they will never be in love with me, & I make sacrifices I shouldn't, etc.

 

I know disliking rejection is normal, but I've recently gotten much more sensitive to it. I think it's because the damage is accumulating. Maybe I think if I get rejected again it's proof positive that I'm unlovable or undesirable? I'm sorry that your friend has had to deal with this on an even larger scale. I really don't feel I did anything to deserve this, either. I don't understand why families do this to each other. I wish her healing.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Preraph, Thanks for the supportive comment & sympathy. It's reassuring, actually, to have someone think it's natural to be "devastated by it..." I always feel like I have to downplay the whole thing, or apologize for making a big deal out of it. I posted a reply earlier tonight in regards to therapy. I'll add, though, that figuring out what could have caused this, as you mentioned, would really help me, in my opinion. I would love to speak to him one last time to get things off my chest, have him take responsibility, & get an honest answer for why he has done this. However, he is refusing to give me that for the time being. Maybe a therapist could help me develop a good idea of a likely cause.

 

You mentioned some yourself. To address these:

 

I know that he never lied to his wife about me because he got me for visitation for a couple of years after they were married. I stayed with them. I don't think he's on drugs or alcohol, as things changed somewhat abruptly, & he seemed fine in that regard before. Your other 2 suggestions were "a bad brain injury" and "adult-onset mental illness". This is somewhat plausible. My father does have a brain injury. However, he had it before he did a 180 on me. However, he is somewhat mentally ill.

 

So look into any of those possibilities in case there can be any physical explanation which might comfort you (or scare you to death if it's hereditary).

 

*laughs* Nice. I don't think my dad's mental health issues are very hereditary. Hopefully, I'll be able to avoid them! I've tried to comfort myself with the possibility that he did love me, & he's just not well. However, he was sane 99% of the time, which makes it difficult to believe mental illness is the issue, especially unless he had a sudden break. The last time we were together, I think things were good. Part of me suspects that his wife might have had some hand in this, but it's no excuse for him falling in line, & betraying me.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Quiet Storm, thanks for the response!

 

 

The problem is that learning WHY we do things, doesn't change the pattern. Awareness is the easy part...your emotional response overrides that logic...

 

Good point. I can be very analytical, but I'm also very emotional, & I tend to side with my heart. I guess part of the reason I'm not a good "parent" to myself, as you suggest, is because my self esteem isn't very good. I think I need more self respect. I also tend to have loose boundaries, whereas you suggest strong ones. I did, however, place & observe a boundary for myself. My previous partner & I are still friends. While in his car, I almost put my hand on his leg. I'm used to doing so when we ride around. I caught myself & pulled back, apologizing, & explaining. He told me it was okay. I could put my hand there if I wanted to. I'm glad he's fine with us hugging, & that sort of friendly, affection & touch. However, I feel like placing & leaving my hand on his leg would be blurring what we are to one another now- friends. Platonic friends. So, I did not. Later, he made a comment about missing what we had, & at first, I did not reciprocate this. When I did, I tried to do it in such a way as to suggest that yes, I had feelings for him, but I wasn't comfortable expressing that now. Before I would have taken advantage of his permission to touch him, & I would have expressed my love & desire for him. I can't play this game of are we lovers, or are we friends, & will we be together again? I knew before he left me that I needed to leave myself. I didn't, but now that we're not lovers, anymore, I can't go back to that. I can't let myself get sucked back in.

 

 

Due to your issues with your father, you will probably always feel drawn to unavailable, older men who clearly have the potential to emotionally harm you.

 

This is probably a near perfect description of what I'm doing.

 

Counseling can give us the tools to protect ourselves, but it doesn't always change those "attractions". So instead of focusing on "I should not be attracted to him, he has so many deterrents.", tell yourself "I am attracted to him, but it's an unhealthy attraction, so I cannot feed the attraction".

 

That is really great advice. Given that I tend to side with my heart, however, I don't know how good I'll be at following it at this point in my life, but I will try to remember this.

Edited November 26, 2014 by OldMaidJuliet

[StalwartMind]

It does seem abundantly clear that everything you are dealing with is taking a massive emotional toll on you. There is nothing however that actually really shocks or surprises me a lot, if anything I can understand why you feel an immense overload of it all.

 

I've never been to a therapist but I'm of the idea a therapist isn't to pass judgement. I can't connect control freak with wanting to be validated with love and empathy from your partner either. I'm not so sure I'd appreciate a therapist preaching religious beliefs to me during a session. Being from a country where most people don't even really devote themselves to any particular religion anymore, it most certainly makes me skeptical when it comes to having others force beliefs down your throat. I'm of the opinion anyone is welcome to believe in any religion they wish, as long as it's not harmful to others nor one that is forced upon you unwillingly. I'm confident there is more to the universe and life that us humans can probably even comprehend. It's quite unfathomable and intimidating to most to imagine that you cease to exist at one point, probably because we are constantly used to something happening next all the time. I'd probably consider finding another therapist but if you don't have many options, that may be easier said than done.

 

I understand all you said in regards to age of a potential partner, and ideally I guess it's preferred to find someone around same age or actually a bit younger, since statistics last i checked still support that women live longer than men. There can be drawbacks to any relationship and men/women of all ages. It most certainly doesn't help if your own family questions a bit ones choices, regardless if it's meant ill or not. I'm once again of the opinion that whomever you find happiness with is the only thing that really matters. Often parents or other people transfer their own ideals and perceptions onto other people, perhaps because they know they no longer have the freedom to do things such as yourself. This kind of discussion can of course get rather rambling and muddy, but you see way too often when people express their thought, it's typically with a heavy personal bias.

 

I'd jokingly tell you to stop falling for the wrong type of men, but I'm well aware that we generally don't really decide whom we fall for. You've seen qualities in past relationships, those qualities may have changed now or not been sustainable enough. It really is hard to fault people for making mistakes and also to some extent keep repeating mistakes over and over. When it comes to people, you just have no way of really knowing someone, until you've spend a significant period of time with them. I may seem like a thoughtful person, I believe i am, but there's many more sides to me that may not appear textually. It's especially hard to portray emotions through writing, because the same written things can also be meant in different ways. I say it's hard but not impossible, that's where it again helps to have known someone for an extended period of time.

 

When it comes to physical interaction, it can be just as hard to fully receive and understand someone else gesture. Perhaps humans just are more complex to really understand than what we like to think. Despite being very calm of nature, and I very much despise drama or people that argue, I know how easily people reach point of conflict due to simple misunderstandings.

 

I can understand putting your hand on your previous partner's leg while in car as being both a natural thing to do from a platonic friendship standpoint but as well as a past lover. It most certainly can send him and give you mixed signals, but it really depends on how both of you are.

 

It would be really great if you could get a chance to confront your dad again in an attempt to get things of your chest and find some kind of closure. You may be able to do that and I hope life present you with that opportunity. No matter what though it is probably a good idea, even if you've tried many times before, to come to some kind of acceptable conclusions about the situation yourself.