Never had an argument... good or bad? Neither?

[CatalystNX]

Ok, so I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and it's serious. Things are great; we recently moved in together, we're both crazy about each other, the sex is great, we're just in a really good place right now.

 

It's to the point that marriage is becoming a strong possibility in the next year or so. One thing, though: we've never had an argument before. Now, there have been little moments where we get a bit snippy over small stuff, but nothing that's ever boiled over into a proper argument about anything significant.

 

I always thought this was a good thing, but I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said they didn't think it was healthy for a relationship to exist without the occasional argument because it's often how couples work out lingering issues.

 

My question is: is that the case? I've had previous relationships where I argued to varying degrees (some more than others) and I never felt they were particularly healthy at all. I always assumed no arguments was a sign of a strong relationship, but now as things continue to progress toward (hopefully) marriage, I'm questioning that.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[guest569]

Well, are there any issues between the two of you? Or are you both bottling it up.Otherwise, great!

[trippi1432]

I always thought this was a good thing, but I mentioned this to someone the other day and they said they didn't think it was healthy for a relationship to exist without the occasional argument because it's often how couples work out lingering issues.

 

My question is: is that the case? I've had previous relationships where I argued to varying degrees (some more than others) and I never felt they were particularly healthy at all. I always assumed no arguments was a sign of a strong relationship, but now as things continue to progress toward (hopefully) marriage, I'm questioning that.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

 

 

I had a friend who questioned why his wife got upset over the right olives...he pondered that for a very long time. I think he got his answer...but it was a sticking point because it always kept coming up.

 

 

Perhaps you should look inward as to why you argued then and why you don't now...you can't compare what "was" to what you have.

[CatalystNX]

Well, there's no comparison to what I had then and what we have now. What we have now is light years beyond those other relationships. Now, I never argued a whole lot with the others, but there were arguments from time to time. Now, there just don't seem to be any major sticking points.

 

My fear is that maybe she's just not telling me and that it'll build up over time and come out down the road all at once. I've had no indication of this, but it's something I've had on my mind since the person I mentioned in my OP suggested to me that maybe no arguments isn't the best thing long-term.

 

Maybe I'm just paranoid? I'm going to ask her and get her input.

[Andy_K]

I've had relationships with arguments and relationships without. Call me crazy, but I found the ones without FAR more healthy and enjoyable.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I've had relationships with arguments and relationships without. Call me crazy, but I found the ones without FAR more healthy and enjoyable.

 

Ditto. I had a relationship where we'd have a massive, major, almost splitting up argument every two weeks or so. It lasted four years but man, there was a lot of heartache, anxiety, stress and sadness.

 

My current relationship (only since January but living together) we haven't really argued much at all. I think we've had about two, maybe three, but they've all been over things we've sorted out really quickly, it has been unpleasant but none of them have ever stooped to the crying, storming off, shouting level, it's just been a case of talking it out and understanding why the other person is upset or whatever.

 

Arguments are healthy to an extent yes, but as long as you're not bottling anything up I wouldn't worry, and I'd trust her to do the same too. You sound like one of those rare actually compatible couples where its mostly joy and easy times with each other rather than the constant rollercoaster some people accept in relationships. Don't question it too much because you might end up making what is actually a great thing into an issue!

[Els]

I don't think it's a red flag per se, as long as neither of you is bottling up resentment.

 

That being said, IMO at 1 year it's still possible that you're in the honeymoon phase. We had our first big argument at about 2 years in.

 

Personally I wouldn't marry until I had gone through both good and bad times with the other person, because HOW someone handles an argument is a more important factor than how often there is an argument IMO (within reason of course). And that isn't something you can know until you see how they react when the time comes. That doesn't mean push for an argument artificially, but rather to wait and see. Then again I also tend to be overly cautious, and there is no way I would consider marriage after only a year anyway, so my point might be moot. It's entirely possible that things will turn out fine for you.

 

How old are both of you?

[Noproblem]

You'll have your fights and argument, don't worry about that

 

She is still pretending to be nice until you two get married

 

Then you will see who she really is

 

or vice versa

 

She will realize who you really are..

[Noproblem]

I did not fight with my friend for 4 years

 

 

she was my best friend

 

and I do fight a lot!

 

 

But then I discovered she hid a lot of things from me...

 

 

We stopped talking after I traveled to another city

 

because she changed a lot, and she didn't bother to tell me she'll get married

 

So, yeah

 

Not fighting is beautiful, but it's a facade that's it..

 

Not real..

 

Someone is hiding their real feelings, time will tell who!

[CatalystNX]

I don't think it's a red flag per se, as long as neither of you is bottling up resentment.

 

That being said, IMO at 1 year it's still possible that you're in the honeymoon phase. We had our first big argument at about 2 years in.

 

Personally I wouldn't marry until I had gone through both good and bad times with the other person, because HOW someone handles an argument is a more important factor than how often there is an argument IMO (within reason of course). And that isn't something you can know until you see how they react when the time comes. That doesn't mean push for an argument artificially, but rather to wait and see. Then again I also tend to be overly cautious, and there is no way I would consider marriage after only a year anyway, so my point might be moot. It's entirely possible that things will turn out fine for you.

 

How old are both of you?

 

Yeah, marriage isn't on the immediate horizon, but it's definitely something that I've begun to seriously think about for the long-term. I'm 30, she's 25. And I do agree with what you said about reactions to an argument being more important than the number of arguments.

 

We've been together (officially) since September 2013, but dated for all of August that year and some of July. It's just been really, really good. I like to think of myself as being able to cope with adversity rather well (I faced plenty of it growing up) and while she didn't, she is someone who tends to not 'sweat the small stuff', which is something we definitely have in common.

 

Again, maybe I'm just paranoid and overthinking a good thing, but what you said does ring true and I suppose is what's at the root of this for me.

[Els]

Yeah, marriage isn't on the immediate horizon, but it's definitely something that I've begun to seriously think about for the long-term. I'm 30, she's 25. And I do agree with what you said about reactions to an argument being more important than the number of arguments.

 

We've been together (officially) since September 2013, but dated for all of August that year and some of July. It's just been really, really good. I like to think of myself as being able to cope with adversity rather well (I faced plenty of it growing up) and while she didn't, she is someone who tends to not 'sweat the small stuff', which is something we definitely have in common.

 

Again, maybe I'm just paranoid and overthinking a good thing, but what you said does ring true and I suppose is what's at the root of this for me.

 

That all sounds great.

 

I do feel obliged to add that in our case, when the argument did happen it turned out that he had indeed been bottling up stuff for a while. So after the 2 year mark there was a rocky period of adjustment during which we had to work through these issues, which was really not the ideal way of doing it. But we did get through it and it's been years since the last major argument, probably months since any minor ones.

 

But. We were much younger than the two of you when we got together, we were only 21. So both of you would have had more time to develop proper conflict resolution skills, and there might be a good chance of the lack of argument being simply due to high compatibility in your case rather than communication issues.