CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Last night, the woman I'm seeing and I were intimate for the first time. I just recently started shaving my head due to male pattern baldness. When I showed her, she liked it, but thought it was a bit short. That made me feel good. She's taller than I am by a few inches and really skinny. Before her shirt came off, I could see her spine clearly through her shirt. I usually date women on the chubbier side, apart from one skinnier woman in college. She's been very supportive of my body issues, so how do I breach the subject of her perhaps having an eating disorder, or is that something to steer away from? Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Have you noticed anything to suggest that she does have an eating disorder? Is she throwing up between meals or eating nothing? She could just be naturally skinny. Lots of people are. It's really not something to discuss unless it becomes an issue. I would just leave it be for now... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Last night, the woman I'm seeing and I were intimate for the first time. I just recently started shaving my head due to male pattern baldness. When I showed her, she liked it, but thought it was a bit short. That made me feel good. She's taller than I am by a few inches and really skinny. Before her shirt came off, I could see her spine clearly through her shirt. I usually date women on the chubbier side, apart from one skinnier woman in college. She's been very supportive of my body issues, so how do I breach the subject of her perhaps having an eating disorder, or is that something to steer away from? Unless you've noticed other suspect and problematic behaviour (she doesn't eat when you're at dinner, or excuses herself to the bathroom frequently during dinner), please don't say anything. Speaking as someone who's always been naturally quite thin, I am self conscious about it enough already without my brand-new partner making me feel worse. She may just have a high metabolism. Obviously you should not continue to date her if you aren't attracted to her. But it's not your place to critique her body, just the same as you'd never ask a chubbier woman if she has self-control issues. It's rude and can be quite hurtful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I am attracted to her. She hasn't given any indication of throwing up. She enjoys food, I just think maybe she doesn't have the time to eat properly. Link to post Share on other sites
havocser Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I actually gasped when reading this. That's incredibly rude of you to assume she has an eating disorder because of her weight. I am on the thinner side, my collar bones pop out, and my spine is visible. I eat an extremely healthy diet and drink extra protein shakes as a supplement because I work out. Some people have faster metabolisms, for me I always had a faster metabolism and then after giving birth developed post partum hyperactive thyroidism - which I now have to take medication for. I would not mention her weight, if you like chubbier girls then go for a chubby girl but do not say anything about her body type - you don't know if she's self-conscious about it or not and it's insanely rude of you to say that you don't think she has the time to eat properly just because her body type is too skinny for YOUR liking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I posted on here looking for advice and was trying not to be insensitive. I'm not assuming anything, it just surprised me. I'm not used to it and maybe that's something I need to get over. She's in school and has made a few comments about not having time to prepare meals or wishing I lived closer, so we could cook together more often. My roommate in Edmonton was the same way and when I got home from work, I'd make more than enough for both of us, so that she could take some with her. Believe me, I wasn't trying to be insensitive. It's just not something I have much experience with and was looking for advice on. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I posted on here looking for advice and was trying not to be insensitive. I'm not assuming anything, it just surprised me. I'm not used to it and maybe that's something I need to get over. She's in school and has made a few comments about not having time to prepare meals or wishing I lived closer, so we could cook together more often. My roommate in Edmonton was the same way and when I got home from work, I'd make more than enough for both of us, so that she could take some with her. Believe me, I wasn't trying to be insensitive. It's just not something I have much experience with and was looking for advice on. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked. She's just thin, unless you see her purging or refusing to eat, I wouldn't mention anything to her. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I am attracted to her. She hasn't given any indication of throwing up. She enjoys food, I just think maybe she doesn't have the time to eat properly. are you a nutritionist? geesh, a woman gets naked with you and now you want to complain that she might be too thin? i would dump any man asap who even dared to comment on my body., and he certainly wouldn't see me naked again. be grateful someone slept with you; the minute you bring that nonsense up you might be single again Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 She's been very supportive of my body issues, so how do I breach the subject of her perhaps having an eating disorder, or is that something to steer away from? You'd have to wait a lot longer into the relationship to bring up such a sensitive topic. You'd have to see her more, see how she is with food more, see if she brings up the topic herself and says anything to you about weight. If she in fact did have an eating disorder, your power over that is still limited. So, even if you knew she had an eating disorder, what would you do with that information now? Would you not want to see her anymore? Would you try to help her, and if so, how? I don't think you are trying to be insensitive, I think you just don't realize how devastating it could be for someone to have their new sex partner critique their body (even if it is in the context of thinking they might need help). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 are you a nutritionist? geesh, a woman gets naked with you and now you want to complain that she might be too thin? i would dump any man asap who even dared to comment on my body., and he certainly wouldn't see me naked again. be grateful someone slept with you; the minute you bring that nonsense up you might be single again I didn't sleep with her, because I respect her and want her to feel ready. I came here looking for advice, not to be insulted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 You'd have to wait a lot longer into the relationship to bring up such a sensitive topic. You'd have to see her more, see how she is with food more, see if she brings up the topic herself and says anything to you about weight. If she in fact did have an eating disorder, your power over that is still limited. So, even if you knew she had an eating disorder, what would you do with that information now? Would you not want to see her anymore? Would you try to help her, and if so, how? I don't think you are trying to be insensitive, I think you just don't realize how devastating it could be for someone to have their new sex partner critique their body (even if it is in the context of thinking they might need help). Thank you. Yes, I'd continue seeing her. Perhaps cook with her, share some of my insecurities. I'd be the first to admit that I don't know the magnitude of this, which is why I'm on here asking for advice, instead of confronting / asking her about it directly. I'm trying to be supportive and help any way I can. She's been really open about her issues with her estranged father. I know she trusts me and likes me a lot, so the last thing I want to do is hurt her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Thank you. Yes, I'd continue seeing her. Perhaps cook with her, share some of my insecurities. I'd be the first to admit that I don't know the magnitude of this, which is why I'm on here asking for advice, instead of confronting / asking her about it directly. I'm trying to be supportive and help any way I can. She's been really open about her issues with her estranged father. I know she trusts me and likes me a lot, so the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I understand. My advice is to just wait and observe. If she's just thin, you don't want to give her a complex about her body and that you don't think it's attractive. Eating disorders are emotional moreso than physical, and people often have a lot of shame about them too. As you get close to her it's something you would eventually want to know, if she in fact does have an eating disorder, but get more evidence for it first, than just a thin body. Since I don't know how thin she is, it's possible I would be somewhat alarmed too, if she's just skin and bones, but it's hard to say over the internet without seeing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I really don't appreciate the comments on here making me out to be some monster for having concern. I didn't say I wasn't attracted to her. I'm just concerned. Having dated someone with an eating disorder, I know it's a terrible thing and needs to be approached with sensitivity and understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Op, its okay to broach the matter. Done in a way that keeps her assured its an inquisitive interest. Pardons to some of the less helpful comments made here. Usually a person on the thin side may have a high metabolism. Perhaps it can be addressed from a physiological means. She may or maynot take it favorably. Social status quo aside ( some folks are super sensitive on weight image), I'd keep it rational and light hearted. Glad you are caring and dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I really don't appreciate the comments on here making me out to be some monster for having concern. I didn't say I wasn't attracted to her. I'm just concerned. Having dated someone with an eating disorder, I know it's a terrible thing and needs to be approached with sensitivity and understanding. just b/c you dated someone with an eating disorder before doesn't mean this girl has one and it doesn't mean every thin girl has one. perhaps you have bad luck and are attracting anorexic women, or perhaps you are projecting what you went through before onto this girl. already wanting to cook together and give her help? it sounds like you've got a few issues of your own when it comes to eating and/or helping people in need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Simplest answer, she has high metabolism and it gets burned easily. She could be feasting on burgers, pizza, steak, junk food, and not gain any weight. She may not even have an eating disorder. I know several women that are lanky, some have high metabolism, some just eat really healthy with no meat in their diet. I came here looking for advice, not to be insulted. I really don't appreciate the comments on here making me out to be some monster for having concern. Welcome to the Internet friend. Enjoy your stay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CalvinM Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) just b/c you dated someone with an eating disorder before doesn't mean this girl has one and it doesn't mean every thin girl has one. perhaps you have bad luck and are attracting anorexic women, or perhaps you are projecting what you went through before onto this girl. already wanting to cook together and give her help? it sounds like you've got a few issues of your own when it comes to eating and/or helping people in need. How is wanting to cook with her unhelpful? Especially when she's the one who said "I wish we lived closer, so we could cook together more often." All you seem to be doing is projecting your own insecurities, which is neither healthy, or helpful. Edited November 23, 2014 by CalvinM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I really don't appreciate the comments on here making me out to be some monster for having concern. I didn't say I wasn't attracted to her. I'm just concerned. Having dated someone with an eating disorder, I know it's a terrible thing and needs to be approached with sensitivity and understanding. I think people are very sensitive about the subject because many women have had personal experiences with eating disorders or weight issues. I don't truly think anyone is trying to attack you to be mean spirited, but bringing up eating disorders incites a lot of emotion in many people. Myself, I have suffered from an eating disorder since age 13, so I understand that people are getting upset. It's not something that you can "cure" if it is an actual eating disorder, and no one wants the label of having an "eating disorder." An eating disorder is pretty similar to an addiction, and many will argue it is an addiction and part of mental illness. It becomes very difficult to cope with because it's an addiction/mental illness that affects your appearance, which is already touchy for all of us. Anyway, as to the advice, I would definitely not say anything at this point. Being skinny is, by no means, evidence of an eating disorder anymore than being a little chubby is. If she starts showing other signs of an eating disorder, then come back here, and we can help you decide what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Skinniness isn't always indicative of an eating disorder, especially if she seems to be eating normally. And it really isn't your place to bring it up at this stage IMO. Just don't go there. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 She is young so might still be growing. I didn't stop growing until I graduated college. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 She is young so might still be growing. ..... At 30? Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I really don't appreciate the comments on here making me out to be some monster for having concern. It's called insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
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