so I snooped through my bfs facebook...

[HeartshapedBrain]

I know it's wrong... but it got to the point where I cant trust him no more. I have to break up, but everytime I try I fail.

 

my bf mainly use his acc to talk to a group of friends during the day at work. I found out the password a few weeks ago, but never looked cause I know it's wrong. he's been acting a lil odd lately tho, I got curious and I didn't like what I read. the worst of this is that all of his friends seem to like me, they support us (even on these conversations), but he's the one talking bad about me. things like:

 

> (he and his friend going to the movies): "I'm gonna invite my bf, else he will scream at me like OMG YOU'RE GOING OUT WITHOUT ME, HOW COME YOU LOVE ME AND YOU DON'T INVITE ME TO GO WITH YOU?" WOW. his friend laughed, but said: "he's your bf, ofc he wants to be with you". in my defense, we go the entire week without seeing each other. it's rare when it's possible. on another note, since he quit his job, he's out everyday for lunch with his friends, or hanging out with them, or drinking, or anything, he rarely invites me and I NEVER EVER questioned that; always saw it as lack of attention from his part, but that I had to respect and let him have his fun, since we normally have the weekends.

 

> "person A just commented on my picture! NICE! I'm gonna reply flirting, but gonna do it subtle so my bf doesn't notice and start fighting". his friend said "you have a boyfriend, cut it out. leave the guy for me!". and he said "no, he's mine". really? the last part was a joke, they have nothing, but the first part really got to me.

 

> "now you too? laura already does that, I don't need 2 doing that.", regarding his friend saying he has a boyfriend and shouldn't flirt with others. yesterday when he was with me he said something like "I'm not gonna kiss anyone else because laura wont allow me to". I made no big deal out of it, but I guess he was actually serious. his friends stop him from doing that he knows is wrong. great. ?

 

> "he wants me to go with him because that's where we met ZZzzzZZZ", regarding the party we first talked and kissed. there's a second edition coming today and I invited him to go 'cause the last one was great and that's where we met each other. I thought it would be fun. the ZZzzzZZ at the ends means he's bored. his friends were like "AAWWWNNN that's so cute".

 

there are more, but I'm not gonna post every single situation here. you get the case. even his friends are on my side and he does that kind of stuff. one of them even said "you form the best couple!".

 

I know I shouldn't have snooped. but really, I didn't see A SINGLE good thing he had said about me. even when I tried to be nice about the place we met, he said what he said. I've always done my best to see him, there were times I slept for 30 mins from one day to the other but we had planned to see each other the next day and even though I could go home to sleep, I prefered to go and see him. I gave him numerous lil gifts, drawings, chocolate, other little things, I've done massages when he said he was stressed out, I've done my best to keep him happy, I was understanding when he said he was insecure 'bout his body and sex and all I ever asked was a bit more of his attention during the week, because he would rarely talk to me. and guess what I turned out to be: the needy and clingy bf that is boring and wont leave him alone. that's the image he's making of me, when I'm not really like that. we're breaking up, no more doubts for me.

 

just wanted to vent and thank everyone for their support here. i've always been in the middle thinking if I was the problem or he was and loveshack helped me on that. but he is the problem, so it's time to move on.

[Tayken]

Wow...snooped. Talk about invasion of privacy, and how would you have felt if he did that to you? That is when the "controlling" card will come out, like most women are quick to use when they don't want to hear the truth or want to have things their way

[HeartshapedBrain]

if he did that to me, first of all I would question why, then I would make sure he'd never do it again and make sure he wouldn't have reasons for that anymore. plus, he would NEVER find not even a tiny bit piece of evidence that shows i'm not interested, that he's boring or whatever like that; he'd prolly find out something i've been planning for him, at worst scenario.

 

yes, I snooped. yes, I know it's wrong. but guess what, what he's been doing to me is also wrong. playing pretend. when he's with me he says i'm the best boyfriend, that he loves me very much, that he can't imagine his life without me anymore. that he sees a future with us together. hell, he's even planning to move closer. AND. GUESS. WHAT. at the same time he's flirting with someone else, saying I'm boring/needy/clingy to everyone, making fun of me when I try to be cute, and never ever mentioned the great things I've done to him, which he thanked very much and said that I'm definitely the one for him. who should I believe? the guy he is when he's with me, or the guy he is when he's with his friends? a good and big **** you to both of them.

[Tayken]

if he did that to me, first of all I would question why, then I would make sure he'd never do it again and make sure he wouldn't have reasons for that anymore. plus, he would NEVER find not even a tiny bit piece of evidence that shows i'm not interested, that he's boring or whatever like that; he'd prolly find out something i've been planning for him, at worst scenario.

 

yes, I snooped. yes, I know it's wrong. but guess what, what he's been doing to me is also wrong. playing pretend. when he's with me he says i'm the best boyfriend, that he loves me very much, that he can't imagine his life without me anymore. that he sees a future with us together. hell, he's even planning to move closer. AND. GUESS. WHAT. at the same time he's flirting with someone else, saying I'm boring/needy/clingy to everyone, making fun of me when I try to be cute, and never ever mentioned the great things I've done to him, which he thanked very much and said that I'm definitely the one for him. who should I believe? the guy he is when he's with me, or the guy he is when he's with his friends? a good and big **** you to both of them.

 

 

Your going to the extent of snooping on his facebook sort of backs his point don't you think? However, I do not know you nor him, and can only go by what you are saying here. It does appears though that needs to be a communication between you two, and you both have to figure out where you go from here.

[HeartshapedBrain]

I don't think so. I only did that because lately he's been making me feel very insecure, I tried to communicate many times, he says he will change for the better and never did. he doesn't even try to keep conversations up. he's always hiding things from me, being mysterious. I never tried to pressure him into anything, always gave him the freedom of choice, always let him go out with his friends (even at clubs if he wanted) and never said a word. sometimes when he would say he's with his friends, I'd not even send him a text or anything to let him enjoy it. I'm a lil needy and I know that, but I know it's an issue of my own and I do not have to throw that on him, so I always dealed with it myself.

 

I cannot, however, deal with a boyfriend who tells his friends he's only inviting me because if he doesn't, I'll annoy the **** out of him, which is not fair considering I never ever did that. I don't need a boyfriend to laugh at me for trying to be nice and cute. I don't need a boyfriend who flirt with others and then say he's doing it not-so-blatantly just so I cannot recognize it and won't talk crap to him. what does he think I do? I stay the entire day stalking his social medias to know what he's up to? I never did that either. I'm just tired of trying to be a nice boyfriend and receiving all this **** back. there's no more communication, there's an end and that's it.

[angel.eyes]

Two points:

 

If you can't trust him, you don't have a relationship...period! It's dead in the water already. What were you hoping to gain by snooping on your boyfriend? What were you planning to do with the information? How does it change anything when the relationship is already so fundamentally flawed that you resort to snooping?

 

Second, depending on how he set up his account, he may be notified whenever someone logs in from a different computer. It's one of the default security features Facebook offers. I get an email notification whenever I log on from a different computer, and the email includes not just the date and time of log-in, but the model and identifier number for the computer from which my FB account was accessed.

 

But returning to the issue at hand, why are you dating someone when you both appear to make each other miserable, he makes you feel bad and insecure, AND you don't trust him? Dating is about figuring out compatibility. You two clearly aren't. So why not move on? You seem to be flogging a dead horse unnecessarily.

Edited November 23, 2014 by angel.eyes

[HeartshapedBrain]

Two points:

 

If you can't trust him, you don't have a relationship...period! It's dead in the water already. What were you hoping to gain by snooping on your boyfriend? What were you planning to do with the information? How does it change anything when the relationship is already so fundamentally flawed that you resort to snooping?

 

Second, depending on how he set up his account, he may be notified whenever someone logs in from a different computer. It's one of the default security features Facebook offers. I get an email notification whenever I log on from a different computer, and the email includes not just the date and time of log-in, but the model and identifier number for the computer from which my FB account was accessed.

 

But returning to the issue at hand, why are you dating someone when you both appear to make each other miserable, he makes you feel bad and insecure, AND you don't trust him? Dating is about figuring out compatibility. You two clearly aren't. So why not move on? You seem to be flogging a dead horse unnecessarily.

 

I do know about that facebook feature and I knew I was at risk. it's one of the things I looked when I logged in, went to the options to check. looks like he doesn't receive notifications tho, else I'd be screwed.

 

anyway, thats right. its just that I enjoy being with him a lot, in person thats it. I was afraid it was a problem of mine that I wasnt being able to handle well, but now I realize I'm not the problem here, even tho what I did was wrong, but I only did waht I did because he was making me insecure. I tried talking, didn't help. I needed an answer and I got mine. I'm breaking up with him, already made up my mind.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Look, I'm not pro-snooping. At all. I can honestly say I've never done it to anybody (because I know that once you're in that mindset, you'll always find SOMETHING to upset you, whether it's something a year ago where they put too many kisses on a text to a friend or what they've said about you when talking appropriately with a friend about troubles in the relationship, whatever).

 

BUT, in this situation, I would say that while you obviously shouldn't snoop, maybe it's been a blessing in this situation. Come on, how could you tolerate being spoken about with such disrespect? If I read my boyfriend saying that stuff about me I would end the relationship, tell him to pack his stuff and get out. It doesn't show love, it shows disdain at best and hatred at worst. It sounds like he's putting you down, mocking you, acting like you're boring, and talking about how he wants to cheat on you and flirt with others. It's not just one thing, he's got a full house there.

 

So maybe it's been a blessing in disguise. Put the snooping behind you, resolve not to do it in the future, but recognise that unless you were unhappy already or had suspicions, you probably wouldn't have done it (unless you are a serial snooper!). This is how he feels and talks about you when you're not around. Do you want to be with somebody who doesn't even respect you?

[HeartshapedBrain]

Look, I'm not pro-snooping. At all. I can honestly say I've never done it to anybody (because I know that once you're in that mindset, you'll always find SOMETHING to upset you, whether it's something a year ago where they put too many kisses on a text to a friend or what they've said about you when talking appropriately with a friend about troubles in the relationship, whatever).

 

BUT, in this situation, I would say that while you obviously shouldn't snoop, maybe it's been a blessing in this situation. Come on, how could you tolerate being spoken about with such disrespect? If I read my boyfriend saying that stuff about me I would end the relationship, tell him to pack his stuff and get out. It doesn't show love, it shows disdain at best and hatred at worst. It sounds like he's putting you down, mocking you, acting like you're boring, and talking about how he wants to cheat on you and flirt with others. It's not just one thing, he's got a full house there.

 

So maybe it's been a blessing in disguise. Put the snooping behind you, resolve not to do it in the future, but recognise that unless you were unhappy already or had suspicions, you probably wouldn't have done it (unless you are a serial snooper!). This is how he feels and talks about you when you're not around. Do you want to be with somebody who doesn't even respect you?

 

believe me, I'm not either. I think it's lame and I know what I did is wrong. I never snooped before, and never had the urge to do so until yesterday.

 

it's not like I didnt try to talk. I did that a few times. 8 days ago we had a bigger conversation. he was impatient and a bit irritated during it, but I was calm all the time. when he finally let me talk, he then realized how I've been putting so much effort into our relationship while he isn't, and he started to cry A LOT, then he said that he'd do his best to change and be the boyfriend I deserve. during this week, he did little to no changes; in fact it got kinda worse. he went out with his friends several times (never told me, found out when I read the convos) and the only time he invited me, he made it seem like he was doing it out of obligation. one of these nights he got very drunk and the way his friends were speaking, it seemed like he wanted to commit some sort of mistake, which could be cheat on me or whatever, but his friends were the ones to stop him.

 

yesterday I had to stay home and he went to a friends house. I can't understand why he asked me to call him before I went to sleep, but I thought he was playing some trick on me so I texted him saying I couldn't. he called me immediatly. he was all sweet and caring. asked if I got to finish my stuff, calling me 'baby' and 'love' in front of his friends (they were there, I could hear them in the background - the same ones he tells **** about me on facebook), telling me to have a good night, that he misses me and he wishes he was with me. I also got a text from him while I was sleeping, like "I wish you were here with me". what the actual f? one day I'm unbearable, the next one he loves me very much.

 

at the end of the day, I think he doesn't knows what he wants. he can't let me go, but can't make me stay either. and I'm fking tired of that BS. I deserve better, that's for sure. and now that I know I'm not the problem here, I'm def done.

Edited November 23, 2014 by HeartshapedBrain

[ktya]

OP I couldn't read your ramble

 

But going through his FB is wrong. If you have enough reason to do so you should break up with him anyways.

 

My ex went through my crap and I didnt care. When she confronted me about something thats when I was ready to dump her. You shouldnt confront someone on information that you should never have had in the first place. Goes for even married couples. Ask the questions to get the answers, dont snoop - if you dont have the balls to ask in person then you have no case. If you think the proof is in the snoop - demand the answer in person face to face and ask to see proof. Make them show you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You're overanalysing everything so much here OP, it's unnecessary. He treats you like crap. Enough of the drama and wondering what's going on in his head. You know he treats you badly and you know you're worth more.

 

You say you're done: so when are you breaking up with him?

[angel.eyes]

...he did little to no changes; in fact it got kinda worse. he went out with his friends several times (never told me, found out when I read the convos) and the only time he invited me, he made it seem like he was doing it out of obligation. one of these nights he got very drunk and the way his friends were speaking, it seemed like he wanted to commit some sort of mistake, which could be cheat on me or whatever, but his friends were the ones to stop him.

 

What I was trying to say, is you don't need to stoop to snooping. You had lots of signs that things were awry in the relationship before you hacked his FB account. If you feel a need to snoop when you're just dating someone, you have enough information to make your decision.

 

He made you feel insecure, clingy, and needy. He was lying to you. He had you second-guessing yourself. You couldn't trust him. He routinely prioritized hanging with his friends over spending time with you. These are all signs of an unhealthy, unhappy arrangement swirling the drain.

 

When someone repeatedly makes you feel bad about yourself, it's time to stop dating that person. When the person you're dating no longer wants to spend time with you, it's time to exit the relationship. When he takes you somewhere and treats it like an unwanted obligation, the writing is on the wall.

 

There's no need to snoop when you're just dating. Dragging things out to the bitter end when there are warning signs of incompatibility everywhere, only makes things more painful for you and damages your self-esteem unnecessarily. Learn to cut the cord sooner.

Edited November 23, 2014 by angel.eyes

[HeartshapedBrain]

I'm not gonna confront him about it for obvious reasons. I doubt it even goes through his head that I have access to his FB. I've asked him everything numerous times, so he either lies, or he's bipolar. that's why I snooped. to get info he can't and wont give me.

 

when I was in the movies with him, he would stare at me all the time and whisper in my ears that I look really cute paying attention to the movie. he'd steal kisses from me, lay on my shoulder or grab my hand. then when he got home, he texted me saying it was great that I went to the movies with him. then I wonder, hadn't I snooped, it would seem like he's the best bf ever, wouldn't it?

 

can you see why I didn't break up earlier? or why snooping was necessary? hadn't I done that, I'd still be wondering whether I'm the problem or he is. but how can I trust someone who says all of that stuff and then behaves in a different way behind my back? during this week I'm finding some time to break up. I've been avoiding him, gonna keep that up until we're done for good. atm too busy to set a date.

[Els]

I'm confused about the gender pronouns in the OP. Your name is Laura but you are a guy and your bf's bf? So... transgender and gay? (Absolutely nothing wrong with that but I'm just wondering if I read the entire thing wrong)

 

Anyway, yeah, you were wrong to snoop, but now you did and you found things you didn't like. Where do you go from here? My suggestion is to confess to your snooping to your bf, then tell him how you felt when you read those messages about you, and try to communicate and work through issues in an open and honest manner instead. This is assuming you think the R is worth saving; it might not be.