Multi-dating: how much info to share

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm wondering what the etiquette is for sharing info about your other dates when multi-dating from online.

 

I just started doing the OLD thing in earnest and am surprised by how much I like it so far. While i believe I am ready for a relationship if the right person comes along, I am not looking to settle for something that's not quite right for me, and thus want to take my time getting to know someone - and playing the field- before I commit.

 

That being said, I'm not sure how to handle questions like "what are you up to tonight," when the truth is that i am on a date with someone else. Im happy to be honest about my multidating, but at the same time, Im not sure it's helpful to provide too much detail.

 

i'm going on about 3-4 dates a week, mostly 1st dates that i dont see progressing, and a 3rd date with one guy coming up this weekend. I havent slept (or even made out) with anyone.

 

Whats the right way to handle this disclosure?

[PegNosePete]

I'm not sure how to handle questions like "what are you up to tonight,"

"I'm busy, how about tomorrow?"

 

This is the danger of multi-dating. Some guys will be put off by the fact that you're doing it -depending on your location, of course. In the UK it would put many off to even mention it, but in NYC it would be totally normal and you could probably discuss it openly.

[lucy_in_disguise]

"I'm busy, how about tomorrow?"

 

This is the danger of multi-dating. Some guys will be put off by the fact that you're doing it -depending on your location, of course. In the UK it would put many off to even mention it, but in NYC it would be totally normal and you could probably discuss it openly.

 

Interesting. For what its worth, im in a large city in the US, tho not NYC.

 

Does that mean in the UK people only meet one person at a time, even from online?

 

I feel like it's impossible to differentiate between options with any accuracy without at least a few dates. It gets more sketchy (in my opinion) if its been a few weeks and some physical intimacy.

[Ducky71]

As far as first dates go, I think it's implied that there is a strong possibility that you are dating others as well. At least that's how I think of it. Nobody goes on a first, or even 3rd or 4th date with the expectation of exclusivity.

 

 

I think you are handling it well so far. Don't get too specific, but don't lie either. Someone asks, "Wanna get together tomorrow?", you can just say, "Sorry, I made plans already"... Saying you have a date is pretty off putting, but that's just me. If someone specifically asks you if you are dating others, just be honest and let the chips fall where they may. I never ask a question if I'm afraid I might not like the answer.

 

 

On the other hand, it's really none of anybody's business what you do on your own time is it? So there's that.

[PegNosePete]

Does that mean in the UK people only meet one person at a time, even from online?

Well, not first meets. But there is an assumed exclusivity from second date. It's changing to be more like the US these days, however.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Interesting. For what its worth, im in a large city in the US, tho not NYC.

 

Does that mean in the UK people only meet one person at a time, even from online?

 

I feel like it's impossible to differentiate between options with any accuracy without at least a few dates. It gets more sketchy (in my opinion) if its been a few weeks and some physical intimacy.

 

I'm in the UK, here (in my demographic at least, up north, working class etc.) multi-dating is the norm. People assume that unless there's the 'exclusive talk' that their date is still seeing other people. Personally I think two to three dates is fine without disclosing multi-dating (If the other person asks, however I would always tell the truth 'I'm still dating around at the moment') but once you see somebody more than that personally I would think that both parties like each other enough to focus only on that person, any more and it seems to be stringing along).

 

I always multi-dated, went on a few dates per week, was honest with people. If someone asks what I was up to, I'd say I was busy but suggest an alternative date. Nobody made it past two dates unless I was interested in seeing them exclusively.

 

I definitely don't know anyone who would frown on somebody multi-dating past the first date. Unless you have 'the talk', you're free to do anything you want. I personally didn't get sexually intimate with anyone unless I was ready to establish exclusivity and say bye to the others.

[sillyanswer]

Does that mean in the UK people only meet one person at a time, even from online?

 

No. Some people multi-date in the UK, too.

[sillyanswer]

But there is an assumed exclusivity from second date.

I disagree, but I agree that some people do make such assumptions.

 

It's changing to be more like the US these days, however.

 

That's perhaps true, though.

[slizl]

Multi-dating is like groundhog day. Same conversation every day, just with a different person. Trying to keep the lies straight and telling the same story to the same person because you thought you had told it to someone else...

[chicaboom]

I"m in the same situation at the moment. There is one guy that I have been on multiple dates with, that I"m still sussing out, but I am still going on other dates about one every two weeks.

 

I wouldn't like to hear that someone else is dating other ppl to be honest. So I don't tell them either. If they asked me, perhaps I might say yes I'm seeing other people, but I won't divulge that information unless they ask me.

 

No one likes to think that you're having mroe fun with someone else..I'd say don't say anything unless asked. It also gives you a bit of mystery

[Jules Dash]

As far as first dates go, I think it's implied that there is a strong possibility that you are dating others as well. At least that's how I think of it. Nobody goes on a first, or even 3rd or 4th date with the expectation of exclusivity.

 

 

I think you are handling it well so far. Don't get too specific, but don't lie either. Someone asks, "Wanna get together tomorrow?", you can just say, "Sorry, I made plans already"... Saying you have a date is pretty off putting, but that's just me. If someone specifically asks you if you are dating others, just be honest and let the chips fall where they may. I never ask a question if I'm afraid I might not like the answer.

 

 

On the other hand, it's really none of anybody's business what you do on your own time is it? So there's that.

 

 

This is my general approach on multi-dating. If my dates ask, I tell them I am dating others but not more than this. They usually stop there but I am often ask how my other dates are going in which I will be upfront but try not to give too much. If things start to get sexual, I offer my updated lab records and demonstrate that I always use protection to put them at ease and to prevent questions related to sex with my other dates. It works for me.

[clia]

If you are asked directly if you are dating others, don't lie. Other than that, I don't see the need to volunteer to someone from OLD that you are dating other men. I think it's pretty much assumed that everyone doing OLD is dating other people. By it's nature it's hard not to be dating more than one person, as you are setting up first and second dates and whatnot.

 

When you are asked things like "what are you up to tonight," tell the truth, but don't say that it's a date. "I'm going out to dinner" or "I'm going to the movies" or "I'm going ice skating." The reality is that most guys aren't going to press to find out who you are going with. If they do, just say you are going with a friend. (Is this guy you never met or met once more than a friend at this point? Doubtful.) If they directly ask if it's a date, say yes. That way there are no lies to worry about keeping straight.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think if you have been out with a guy more than once, you should be upfront about the fact that you are dating others, especially since you have dates lined up 3-4 nights a week with different guys. I think this is something these guys have a right to know before they decide they want to spend any more of their time trying to get to know you.

 

Not sure if i am reading too much into it, but is there a hint of judgement in your response? Just wondering why some would consider the fact that im meeting others so important/ relevent after a single date that its something im obliged to disclose.

 

To me, its implied that both of us are meeting (or open meeting) other people until there is discussion of exclusivity.

[deathandtaxes]

Just don't do it. Don't do 3-4 dates in a week. Do one. It's easier that way. Fairer to YOU and other guys. Why be in so dang a hurry to go on many a first dates as you can?

 

 

It's **** like this that OLD is notorious for. Ugh. Don't even wanna get started. I tried doing multi-dating once - never again!

[OwMyEyeball]

I multi-dated for a while and thoroughly enjoyed myself in the process. That being said, I was honest about my intentions with each date. A couple of women found it quite off-putting when the topic was broached and declined a second date (though there may have been other reasons *shrug*). Others didn't seem to mind.

 

However, if I come across a woman for whom I feel a powerful mutual attraction (i.e. chemistry) then I'll respectfully drop all other dating, take down my profiles and focus on her with the intent of going exclusive. Such was the case for my most recent ex.

 

I'm confident in my ability to determine chemistry on the first date, so it keeps my sprees fairly short.

 

Your approach seems ethical, but you'll have to keep in mind that there will be those whose feelings will be hurt by your style of dating. Be prepared to accept that and own up to it. Have fun

[mysteryscape]

I wouldn't like to hear that someone else is dating other ppl to be honest. So I don't tell them either. If they asked me, perhaps I might say yes I'm seeing other people, but I won't divulge that information unless they ask me.

 

No one likes to think that you're having mroe fun with someone else..I'd say don't say anything unless asked. It also gives you a bit of mystery

 

So no matter how much you try to rationalize it, there's still something kind of underhanded about it, something that doesn't seem quite right. Unless you're up front about it from the very beginning -- which people also will tend not to like.

 

What a great way to start off a romance!

[mysteryscape]

Given that multidating seems to go naturally with OLD, and old-style dating kind of doesn't, I wish I could do MD and feel comfortable with it, but so far, I can't.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Just don't do it. Don't do 3-4 dates in a week. Do one. It's easier that way. Fairer to YOU and other guys. Why be in so dang a hurry to go on many a first dates as you can?

 

 

It's **** like this that OLD is notorious for. Ugh. Don't even wanna get started. I tried doing multi-dating once - never again!

 

Ok, i am picking on the fact that not everyone is into multi-dating, even with OLD.

 

I would still like to understand the reasons against it, tho.

 

With real-life dating, at least in my experience, by the time you are on a date, you have already figured out some crucial facts about the other party, including whether you like them/ are attracted. Pursuing others at this point would seem more hurtful.

 

With OLD, altho some info is offered by the other person, its largely unverified. In my opinion, it takes a few meets to get a feel for who they are/ how you feel. Why would someone who is essentially a stranger care if u are meeting other strangers when you both purport to be looking for a relationship?

 

Im not trying to offend, as i said, im new to this and i would really like to understand others' point of view.

 

In my mind, OLD's usefulness is to increase the number of people one is exposed to. So multi-dating is the natural extension of that.

[lucy_in_disguise]

As to going on 3-4 dates per week - as I said, they are mostly first dates and I keep them short and simple - 1-2 drinks at a bar near my house after work. I am very selective about whom I'll meet at all, and feel like my criteria is working for me, even tho despite this, there is usually something that pops up as a dealbreaker with most guys - creepy vibe, 5 inches shorter than advertised, travels 85% of the time and wont be back in town till february... that kind of thing.

 

I may need to adjust just because 3-4 didnt leave me with a ton of time to do my usual thing, but i dont think meeting a few new people each week this way would detract from my ability to form a connection with someone i chose to pursue further. So jot sure why it would be fairer to meet 1 at a time. I like meetibg many because its a numbers game and i want to be efficient about it.

 

Unless of course they fell into the category that hates multidating by default.

Edited November 21, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[central]

I'm with Jules on this one. I multidated when the option existed. I didn't offer the information, but would be honest if asked if I was seeing others - usually it was only meeting others in the hopes of finding someone I wanted to date. I assumed anyone I met was also meeting others, and good for them. Very few women made it to date three or sex. Multidating was an efficient and effective way to find someone truly compatible - it is a numbers game to find such a person, unless you are very, very lucky.

 

It only gets a little complicated if you start having sex with one or more. If it's just one, and you have not discussed being exclusive (or explicitly said it's too soon to be), then I felt free to meet anyone else to see if they were a better match. Often, sex was a deal-breaker event - so many were just not sexually compatible. If there were two who wanted a sexual relationship, I felt it necessary to discuss the issue of sexual non-exclusivity before continuing. The few times this happened, it wasn't a problem for them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I usually just say "I have plans tomorrow, how about Friday?"

 

I did 3-4 dates a week for a while and got really burnt out and had to take a break from dating for 6 months :/

[Toodaloo]

I have been thinking about this.

 

If I were meeting someone that was multi-dating I would feel that they were not being sincere. It would also raise the question of what if something happens between them and another of the people they are dating?

 

Yes it is about getting to know people but can't people just concentrate on one at a time. Talk to other yes but actually going out with them on a regular basis, no.

 

To my mind you meet up. If you like each other you arrange another date and stop agreeing to meet other people, give that person a fighting chance to get to know you...

 

The whole idea of meeting and dating multiple men to me just seems a tad unsavoury and underhanded. Its an invite to drama...

 

Nope I think I would prefer to keep it simple and for any chap I am dating to keep it simple.

 

As for what to say - I guess that you are meeting up with a friend and are busy. After all thats all any of these men are at the moment "a new friend" so its not a lie.

[PegNosePete]

^ Exactly my thoughts too.

 

If I found out someone I was seeing, was seeing others... I would not want to see them again. I don't want to be an option.

 

Sadly seems we're a dying breed!

[Toodaloo]

I don't want to be an option.

 

Sadly seems we're a dying breed!

 

Me either. I would be out that door with out a backward glance.

 

I think we will come back into vogue Peg Nose...

 

If fashion can keep reappearing, and re-runs on TV, then why not attitudes?

 

I also don't want to consider the person I am dating to be an "option" either... If I do think that way about someone then I figure I would be dating the wrong person. What is the point of hanging on and wasting time dating them if you don't think they are special enough to pay a bit of attention to and get to know better? Its a very "disposable" way of thinking to my mind. I don't want to date "disposable" men.

[mysteryscape]

I saw on the web somewhere that most people on okcupid actually "prefer dating one person at a time when not in a serious relationship." That in practice most OLDaters only date one at a time -- the vast majority.

 

It's clear though from being on OKC that all of the would-be daters are spending a huge amount of time search, answering and sending messages, etc. etc. A lot of time for little, is what many people have told me who have tried it.