Emmjyk Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) So we're 29 and 31. My bf has some reasons not to have premarital sex. Religiously, personal historically. We've been seeing each other for like 9months so far, and he told me he doesn't want to have sex before marriage on the third or forth date night. Now we're getting serious(not engaged yet tho) and we talk about many things about marriage life. But about being intimate thing, if he doesn't want it I totally don't want to force it, but every move I make he tries to turn it down by stepping back from me kissing him, or tries to change the air etc. he also avoids spending night together bcuz it attempts him too much. From the beginning I tried to respect his way how he doesn't want to have premarital sex, but now it became like he physically blocks me and it has hurt me so many times. I was the one who always asking him to stay weekend night together, go on a trip together, wanting snuggle together....even if we wouldn't have sex, I need kissing and snuggling with my loving bf. And during this 9 months, it was like only 4-5 times.. By my asking or maybe pressuring for him. And now I see I am getting tired of asking his "affection". I know this is not just about "intercourse" but about giving and taking love. But the way he wants is, for me it seems like I have to be a like an middle school girl... I love him and he keeps saying that he loves me and wants me so bad but he is not ready to have sex and tries to avoid being alone with me which is harmful for his faith. But now I'm getting exhausted about this and don't know how should I deal with this. The more I love hime the more I get hurt by his rejection. Like if the kissing gets longer and deeper he steps back from me.. Or if I ask him this weekend to stay together he wants to make sure if I wouldn't cross the line... Those things totally make scratches on my self esteem as a woman and I don't know what to do. Edited October 29, 2014 by Emmjyk Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 So we're 29 and 31. My bf has some reasons not to have premarital sex. Religiously, personal historically. We've been seeing each other for like 9months so far, and he told me he doesn't want to have sex before marriage on the third or forth date night. Now we're getting serious(not engaged yet tho) and we talk about many things about marriage life. But about being intimate thing, if he doesn't want it I totally don't want to force it, but every move I make he tries to turn it down by stepping back from me kissing him, or tries to change the air etc. he also avoids spending night together bcuz it attempts him too much. From the beginning I tried to respect his way how he doesn't want to have premarital sex, but now it became like he physically blocks me and it has hurt me so many times. I was the one who always asking him to stay weekend night together, go on a trip together, wanting snuggle together....even if we wouldn't have sex, I need kissing and snuggling with my loving bf. And during this 9 months, it was like only 4-5 times.. By my asking or maybe pressuring for him. And now I see I am getting tired of asking his "affection". I know this is not just about "intercourse" but about giving and taking love. But the way he wants is, for me it seems like I have to be a like an middle school girl... I love him and he keeps saying that he loves me and wants me so bad but he is not ready to have sex and tries to avoid being alone with me which is harmful for his faith. But now I'm getting exhausted about this and don't know how should I deal with this. The more I love hime the more I get hurt by his rejection. Like if the kissing gets longer and deeper he steps back from me.. Or if I ask him this weekend to stay together he wants to make sure if I wouldn't cross the line... Those things totally make scratches on my self esteem as a woman and I don't know what to do. Why do you want a relationship that doesn't make you feel good? You knew he didn't want/wouldn't have sex until marriage. Did you think he would marry you before now? When do you think you will marry? Can you wait that long? What if he has some other difficulty regarding sex? What if you marry and he can't have sex or still doesn't want sex. He avoids being alone with you? How can you have a relationship without being alone? Something is wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 He has issues. Not wanting pre-marital sex is one thing but to avoid physical contact all together is something else. Marrying this man will not cure the problem. Rather than continuing to get hurt, find a man who enjoys physical touch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) So we're 29 and 31. My bf has some reasons not to have premarital sex. Religiously, personal historically. We've been seeing each other for like 9months so far, and he told me he doesn't want to have sex before marriage on the third or forth date night. Now we're getting serious(not engaged yet tho) and we talk about many things about marriage life. OP, having dated a man who also wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, I understand how you feel. It was a cultural and religious thing. In my country pre-marital sex (or anything physical) is forbidden until marriage. And he was very religious. When we kissed and would be into it, he would suddenly pull away. When I touched, he would suddenly pull away. When he knew we would be in closed quarters, he would try to avoid it. All being that the temptation was very strong for him and he would try to avoid situations that would cause him to break his boundary -- never to hurt me, although it did. I had to leave the relationship. The thing is you signed up for this because he was upfront with you on the third date. I don't believe he does it to tear you down or to reject you, but I do believe it's hard for him because while I believe he wants to succumb, there is also the need to resist. Edited October 29, 2014 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 If he is living in the United States and dating an American woman, the cultural differences need to go away if he loves her. And, if he can't budge on the cultural difference regarding premarital sex, there are other cultural differences regarding the way women are viewed and treated after marriage, that she may be in for a shock with. She needs to make sure she understands the culture and whether she is willing to "give up" her culture for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 And this whole thing about avoiding being alone with you? There's no way you really know this man. Think long and hard about continuing the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emmjyk Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Well, the thing is.. he IS an American guy. And we both are Christian. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 If he is living in the United States and dating an American woman, the cultural differences need to go away if he loves her. And, if he can't budge on the cultural difference regarding premarital sex, there are other cultural differences regarding the way women are viewed and treated after marriage, that she may be in for a shock with. She needs to make sure she understands the culture and whether she is willing to "give up" her culture for him. It's a boundary that he made clear in the very beginning. He doesn't need to change anything. If she can't deal with it, she needs to find someone that is more compatible to her values, needs and wants. Just because someone lives in "America", it doesn't mean he has to give up his beliefs and values because of a dictated lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Last time I looked Christians still allow hand holding, hugging, kissing & some snuggling, before marriage. For heaven's sake, those silly Duggars on TV even go for side hugs & hand holding (although I always thought that was backwards, the side hugs being more intimate then hand holding.) If you are seeking affection, this man is not your guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Well, the thing is.. he IS an American guy. And we both are Christian. Well, then, you still need to think about this. This is extreme even for a Christian. Perhaps, you should seek counseling for how to deal with this situation until you do marry. The only other thing I can say, is find yourself some outside interests/hobbies to distract yourself and be happy without the physical stuff. You are a Christian too and apparently don't share the strictness he has regarding premarital sex. How devout is he? There are issues with that if you marry. If you are not as devout as he is on other issues, will there be more division between you. Boy, this seems really difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Well, the thing is.. he IS an American guy. And we both are Christian. OP, you really need to decide if this is a relationship that can sustain you, until marriage, and even then it doesn't guarantee you the relationship you hope for. It's a huge risk that you are taking. I know I couldn't manage or do it. An important aspect of compatibility is the physical connection between two people. Link to post Share on other sites
Mentos Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I 'tried' to hold out till marriage. As a man, it was NOT easy and I succumbed to temptation of the flesh. I can see where he is coming from, but he has to give you something you need. No intercourse, but definitely more affection in general. Definitely don't pressure him, you'll drive a wedge between the two of you. If you feel he can't/won't give you what you need, then its time to make a difficult choice......stay or bail. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You are generalizing a group of almost 2 BILLION PEOPLE. If he's not comfortable with kissing or cuddling due to the temptation then he simply isn't. Perhaps, but the fact remains. She wants one thing & he won't give it to her. That makes them incompatible & she is never going to be happy with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ready2DateAgain Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 So we're 29 and 31. My bf has some reasons not to have premarital sex. Religiously, personal historically. We've been seeing each other for like 9months so far, and he told me he doesn't want to have sex before marriage on the third or forth date night. Now we're getting serious(not engaged yet tho) and we talk about many things about marriage life. But about being intimate thing, if he doesn't want it I totally don't want to force it, but every move I make he tries to turn it down by stepping back from me kissing him, or tries to change the air etc. he also avoids spending night together bcuz it attempts him too much. From the beginning I tried to respect his way how he doesn't want to have premarital sex, but now it became like he physically blocks me and it has hurt me so many times. I was the one who always asking him to stay weekend night together, go on a trip together, wanting snuggle together....even if we wouldn't have sex, I need kissing and snuggling with my loving bf. And during this 9 months, it was like only 4-5 times.. By my asking or maybe pressuring for him. And now I see I am getting tired of asking his "affection". I know this is not just about "intercourse" but about giving and taking love. But the way he wants is, for me it seems like I have to be a like an middle school girl... I love him and he keeps saying that he loves me and wants me so bad but he is not ready to have sex and tries to avoid being alone with me which is harmful for his faith. But now I'm getting exhausted about this and don't know how should I deal with this. The more I love hime the more I get hurt by his rejection. Like if the kissing gets longer and deeper he steps back from me.. Or if I ask him this weekend to stay together he wants to make sure if I wouldn't cross the line... Those things totally make scratches on my self esteem as a woman and I don't know what to do. you may want to test drive the car before you sign the contract,he may have a small pecker and you'll be unhappy Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I came from a fundamentalist community of Christians who believed you should wait until marriage. Now, sex, for a young man from the time he's in his teens to 30 and beyond is a huge motivator to find a woman as fast as possible and if their faith requires them saving it until marriage, then in my experience and I'm certain my own little local straw poll would bear it out, these virgins married VERY young so they could have sex. No one was saying "Wait until you're 40 to have sex." They were saying "Don't knock a girl up until you're married." Fact: There's something else going on with this guy and he's using his Christianity as his excuse for why he isn't quite right. He could be asexual, could have social anxiety, could be gay, could be straight but have massive intimacy issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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