Girls ends our casual relationship... ?

[Johnnymahoe]

Hi this is my first post here. I have an issue that has been bothering me, any advice is appreciated. (and sorry for the length)

 

Let me prefix this by saying the type of relationship I am referring to here was “casual” or “non-committed” as in we had not established ourselves as “official” or “exclusive”

 

Me and this girl (let’s call her Alice) started seeing each other basically since early August. A bit of context, I was also seeing this other girl (who I will call Mary) with whom I was not in a committed relationship. She wanted to be in one, but I said I was not ready, and at first she was okay with continuing things casually. Meanwhile I went on dates with few other girls which did not really go anywhere. The truth is, even though Mary was a great girl, there was just something about her I was not into.

 

But then there this girl Alice, (we actually met in early July, went on our first date early August) while visiting my college town. I immediately took a liking to her. We first met on a Thursday, and by Saturday already slept with each other, (she invited me back to her place).

 

Meanwhile, things are fading out with Mary, in part because I have stronger interest in Alice, but instead of me ending it Mary does, says she’s met someone else and can’t feel comfortable dating two people. I was not that upset.

 

So Alice and I start to escalate. She has moved down to New Jersey, closer to me in Brooklyn, but still far. So we hang out like once every two weeks for a while. I would say we are asking each other to hang out equally. And things are getting very romantic. We go to the beach, she sleeps over, etc.

 

Then we hang out on a Monday, and again meet up for bit on a Wednesday. I then go away for the weekend. I try to hang out with the next week, she tells me she is sick. On Sunday (the 12th) I see if she wants to hang out on Tuesday, she says no how about Friday (she has started this new job and has a long commute, so hanging out during the week would mean she’d have to sleep over). I say okay to Friday.

 

Then on Thursday she texts me saying she has met someone recently and we have to stop seeing each other. Well I am very upset and angry at this point. So we talk on the phone that Friday, first thing she says is that she isn’t actually seeing someone else, that was just an initial lie she made up. Instead she tells me that she just is not ready for a relationship right now, and that is where she felt we were going. She says she really likes me, thinks I’m great et.c but that she simply doesn’t want a relationship. Since I was so relieved to hear she wasn’t seeing someone else I kind of lay down and take it and say “Ok, I understand”.

 

Now she still has some pants she patched up for me and I have a pair of her shoes she left at my house. I also wouldn’t mind seeing her. We have made a plan to meet this week to exchange these items, but I would also like to talk a little more. I think my only way of maybe salvaging this is to say something like, “listen I know that there was a lot of pressure, could we maybe continue to hang out (not that frequently) maybe as more than friends but without the pressured expectations of a relationship?” Or something along these lines. I know this sounds like a typical male desire of sex with no strings attached, but that is not really my intention.

 

I know this is a long shot. Maybe she was just being easy on me instead of saying she is not that interested. But I do feel like she was very much into me, but that she felt like things were moving too fast.

What do you think?

[Standard-Fare]

I think you should definitely pay attention to that line of hers about seeing another guy.

 

Option A is that she felt badly enough about breaking things off with you that

she felt she needed to invent a tangible excuse for it. She wanted something to decisively "shut the door." That should show you not only that she's serious about ending things, but also that she wanted to avoid a difficult or drawn-out breakup.

 

Option B is that she actually IS seeing another guy, and for some reason retracted that and lied when you questioned her about it. Maybe she felt guilty. Or maybe she didn't want to deal with explaining herself to you when you got angry.

 

Either way, it's safe for you to conclude she's for real about not wanting a relationship. I know it sucks, but hopefully you can accept that with some dignity. Grasping at straws and trying to talk her into some sort of half-a*sed "friendship" situation will only push her away further.