grew up in a trailer park, etc & effect on dating life

[Declights]

When it comes to dating, I find myself struggling to get close enough to someone to be honest with them about my past, my family background, etc. It's become a much bigger problem for me as I get older because I'm looking for someone long-term and it's important to get to know everything about the other person.

 

A few of my main insecurities stem from the fact that I was very poor growing up. My parents immigrated from another country and despite my dad having gone to college in his native country, he worked as a school custodian for over twenty years in America to support my family. Thus, during my adolescent years, I grew up in a mobile home. We eventually moved to a better neighborhood, and so in high school, my peers were mostly from upper middle class families. Because of this, i never felt like I fit in and found it hard to relate to them. I also didn't particupate in any sports because I knew parents can't afford to pay the fees, send me to camp and what not. I also did not go to prom which I really regret now.

 

Anyways, after high school, I worked really hard and graduated from a good law school. Now I would say I work in a field where most of my peers come from privileged backgrounds and had the traditional upper middle class upbringing. The men I am attracted to and tend to date are no different. I feel like a fraud because people look at me and think I'm just like them. But I'm not. I feel afraid to mention my past or background to people I date. This insecurity has been weighing me down. I'm especially afraid of when someone asks me, "what do your parents do?"

 

How can I overcome this internal problem? Do you think people care about other people's upbringing?

 

P.s. I'm very appreciative of my parents and love them very much.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Declights

[lollipopspot]

I can hardly relate to your problem. In my life, people would admire that you worked hard and pulled yourself up. It would be a mark of strength, not a shame, that you came from humble beginnings.

 

Some people even like to pretend that they came from a worse experience than they did, so as to give the effect that they're survivors.

 

If you had good parents, I don't even see how coming from a poor family but becoming a financial success taints you in any way. It's generally when people come from a traumatic upbringing that it gives some question as to whether the person has scars or emotional baggage from it.

[Assasda]

Your problem is, not a problem at all.

 

You want to be perceived as something youre not, and you have poor regard for people who are poor.

 

When you get to have more life experiences and you get to be more humble, you'll care less about peoples perveption.

 

Your mindset lets me realize what kind of huys that you go out with though. Its usually guys that are incredibly shallow, and have a macho arrogant attitude

[Toodaloo]

Your family sound fantastic.

 

You should not be at all ashamed about this.

 

You are the stereotypical "if you work hard you can achieve". That is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. That is something VERY admirable.

 

Be proud of your parents. I am sure they are with you. Be honest. The more you practice being proud of them in public the easier it will be.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry - adding to what I said earlier...

 

You know what how about starting the conversation like this...

 

Person A. So what do your parents do?

 

You. I am really proud of them. We lived in X country and my parents wanted me to have more opportunities so they moved over here. They really struggled as we didn't have much and so he worked as a school custodian for 20 years to make sure I didn't want for anything and so I could go to college here and get a really good education. He has supported me through my education and helped me out. He is retired (if he is) now and I admire him so much. I hope that I can be as good a man as he is.

 

Easy. No sob story, no shame, just an enormous amount of pride.

 

My Grandfather was training to be a doctor when his parents died. He had 9 siblings and he quit to look after them as he was the eldest. He had a young wife and my uncle on the way... He never did go back to school and was the brainiest dairyman around! His siblings went on to be lawyers, carpenters, teachers etc. All had far more than he did later in life because he took care of them so well and supported and encouraged them. He helped them with their education as he did with his children and grandchildren. He died broke and still able to complete the Times cross word in under 10 minutes.

 

Success is not the car you drive, its not how big your house is... Its how many people love you for who you are and the legacy you leave behind. My Grandfather died last year and his legacy will live on for decades... Look in the mirror - your success is your parents legacy.

[LoneIsland]

How can I overcome this internal problem?

 

You overcome this by growing older. The older you get, the less people will ask about your parents.

 

Even if you may not be proud of your background, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Nor do you have to go out of your way to tell people how poor you were.

 

Each of us come with deficiencies. We should accept those and move on.

Edited October 1, 2014 by LoneIsland

[preraph]

I ended up living my dream by being in the music business for 20 years and ending up a record executive. I grew up on the outskirts of a state capital in middle America. My dad had a real job too, but he rebuilt wrecks and parked cars to sell in the front yard, a few at a time. We usually had a trailer sitting on the property. It was junky. My mom didn't like it. It didn't bother me. I had a horse, and later a little scooter because my dad was such a trader. I was a wild-haired tomboy always out in the field on a horse or scooter. I was harassed at school some. After the divorce, my dad would live mostly in trailers from then on.

 

Your parents give you a foundation and you become who you build yourself up to be. I never once felt like a fraud like you do. To me, the people I admire most are those who recreated themselves and became the person they want to be. I'm all for fake it until you make it. I'm all for grabbing a little piece of whatever you want in hopes someday you can have the whole thing. For example, there was a cool mansion I liked in a neighborhood I liked. I couldn't no way afford to live there, but I moved to an apartment nearby and later bought a stained glass window from a garage sale at the mansion. I'm a dreamer. No, never got the mansion, but I did get a lot of other things no one would have ever thought possible. I at least got to live in the neighborhood and met a lot of good friends there.

 

I have always been honest with anyone interested about my background. I'm not ashamed of it, and you shouldn't be either. Coming from there and getting to where you've gotten means you have accomplished way more than the kid who has wealthy parents and sends their kid to law school. You are already very accomplished and you have already accomplished more than most of your now peers. You are in the top 10 percent in accomplishments. Be proud of that. You can truly be anyone you wish. We all can if we just have the spirit to do it. This is your life. No one has any rules about you can't go there because you started here -- well, I shouldn't say that, but in the U.S. they don't take attitude about that anyway. I guess some class systems do.

 

I remember when I was young and moved out of the town I grew up in to a big town in a neighboring state, I found my niche soon and fit right in. But it was kind of funny because I remember a couple of comments from my new group of friends and realized one day that most of them assumed I came from money and was used to dating rich guys. Now, this group of friends weren't rich or snobs, they were music people, so that's not why. I had adjusted my demeanor so much that they just made assumptions, and I didn't even realize I'd come that far. I was puzzled at first and asked them why they thought that and then told them where I came from. I'd rather people did know where I came from because then they know how much I accomplished.

 

My parents were good people and worked hard to give me a good foundation and I am proud of them as well. I don't feel any guilt for following my own path. I know my parents, though nervous at first, were proud of me as well for busting out and not getting caught in a rut and making that my life.

 

Good luck to you. Own it. You made it.

[amaysngrace]

Anybody who judges your humble beginnings isn't worth your time so maybe you've just been choosing women who aren't safe enough to open up to because they're materialist A-holes. Same with some of those kids at school.

 

Trust your instinct and be patient. You'll find somebody who is worthy of your intimacy. You just haven't found her yet.

[GorillaTheater]

Congratulations on your success!

 

Start by embracing what sets you apart. I understand the world you live in, I'm in it, too. (I was the guy in law school who tended to sit in the back of the class and wear Hawaiian shirts). I had a blue collar background, and proudly proclaim it when appropriate.

 

You and your family know what struggle and true achievement means. Be proud of that.

[clia]

I think this is a problem of your own imagination. Being different sets you apart and makes you interesting. You're obviously a very driven, ambitious person who should be proud of where you came from and how far you've come. You aren't different from your peers -- you are an attorney just like they are, who went to a great school and got a great job. So what if you grew up in a trailer park? There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Your peers might actually be interested to know what your life has been like; heck, I bet you have some great stories.

 

Rather than be embarrassed, embrace what makes you different and use it to your advantage. I don't know if you are a litigator, but who do you think most jurors will relate to more -- a person like you, or a person who grew up in a privileged background?

[d0nnivain]

Focus on the fact that you earned your successes rather than having them handed to you. That is a LOT to be proud of!

[Fondue]

My parents also came from another country about 19years ago. So I know what it is like to be raised an immigrant and struggle. Or rather, my parents know that same struggle. I know what it's like to move to a "nice" suburb with "rich" kids who drove BMWs to school while I walked two miles. I know what it's like not to be in sports. Hell, I even know what it was like to go to a "rich" friend's house and compare it to my own.

 

And you know what? My siblings and I all became successful. I am probably more successful than 90% of my high school class. Our 10year reunion is in about 2 years and I'm gonna flaunt it.

 

Our parents raised us right and supported us the best they can.

 

And I'm ****ing proud of that. Really proud. Proud of mom/dad. I didn't realize how difficult their struggle was until just a few years ago. They went through a lot. I tell people this story all the time. I am very, very glad I grew up how I grew up.

 

Now that I'm in my "late" 20s, it is my personal history. And something I share with all the girls I met for dating. If they judge me for it, then they're not someone I want to be with.

 

My current girlfriend also came from an immigrant background, she's also been here for nearly an identical time as I have. So we definitely relate on that very well.

[Ruby Slippers]

I totally relate to everything you wrote, and have had many of the same experiences. My dad got laid off from a good job when I was 6, went back to a low-paying, blue-collar job, and it seems he never recovered from that. I spent most of my childhood poor, and though I was at the top of the class across the board, most of the rich kids I went to school with were merciless in teasing me about not having any of the material things that they did.

 

I put myself through college, got good work, and started my own business a few years ago. Pretty much everyone I've met through work comes from a background of privilege, whereas I still struggle somewhat due to chronic lack of family support. Most of the men I've had relationships with come from decent to good families that have provided ample financial support, so they can't relate to my background, either.

 

I've tried making friends with people who have similar roots as my own, but most of those people I meet are drug addicts, ex-cons, unstable, have serious issues, so that doesn't work, either.

 

Even now, the dating prospects I'm meeting come from another world than my own, and I worry they won't understand where I come from, as is the norm.

 

I wish there was a place where people who come from nothing but have worked their way up to a little bit of something could come together. I haven't yet found such a place.

[Gaeta]

Oh my god on the contrary!! You should be proud of your background !! What is there to be embarrassed about? The fact you were not raised a spoiled little brat wearing the latest brand name clothes, and driving a car your dad handed to you at age 16!

 

Both my parents have a grade 6 elementary school. They worked real hard all their life to send us 4 kids to college and Uni. I am proud of my humble background. I come from a family of hard working people. In my 20s I cleaned houses to pay university bills. How many of your colleagues would get their hands dirty to pay bills? I know you would !! You built yourself up from the ground! That is impressive!

[normal person]

In America we seem to celebrate rags to riches stories like yours. A lot of other countries don't share the same affinity for social mobility that we do. Your accomplishments are a badge of honor, really. A memorial to all the blood, sweat, and tears you put in. You should be proud, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn't worth your time.