Accept being single

[Supernatural]

I have been single for a year and a half. And even a year and a half ago I wasn't truly dating or in a relationship. I suppose it's been 7.5 years since my last and only real relationship where we agreed on boyfriend/girlfriend titles.

 

I'm sure as many of you know, dating in your twenties can be tough. For many reasons.

Although I can't ignore the many other twenty-somethings with girlfriends and boyfriends - pretty much everyone. I never meet single twenty-somethings. It's like I'm playing musical chairs and everyone has already sat down with a partner. Then I'm left, awkwardly, standing...

 

I want to find someone great. Someone to share experiences with and grow together. I mean, I deserve to meet someone. I have a sense of humor, I'm good-looking, in-shape, witty personality, etc. But I can't seem to find it.

 

So when you can't find something, or we go on dates and there never seems to be mutual interest... After awhile we sort of lose hope in finding something meaningful.

 

So I guess I've actually given up on dating. And have little confidence to put myself out there for some time as I really just don't think I can handle more rejection.

 

Even so, with all this lost hope... I still have some. It's kind of annoying. Because I will walk down the street and sense that I actively am still 'looking'. But I really don't want to search for awhile.

 

I've deleted my all OLD accounts. Don't ask women out anymore, even if there is a connection.

 

My question... How can you be happily 100% single and stop thinking of trying to find someone and actively looking? I really just want to be single and happy with not hoping to find someone.

 

I hope I made sense.

 

Thanks for input!

[LostOnes05]

I think we are twins...

[Clockwork]

There are lots of single people in their 20s. In fact, as I'm now creeping around in my 30s I sometimes find that I have too FEW friends in my same situation (married with kids). It is much better to be single than being in a dead relationship.

[jay1983]

I haven't had a serious relationship in 4 years. I gave up on searching and dating too a while back and started focusing my energy into my son and things I like doing. When I'm not with my son, I do things with my friends, had a blast this past Labor Day weekend, we went tubing near San Antonio.

 

About a week ago I walked into specs to pick up some brew and the girl (cute face, a little thick, maybe 5'5" 150 lbs) who was serving the samples started being flirty. So I got her number and talked to her. I don't date anymore (got too feed up with the flaking and paying for shyt) so I told her I was going bowling with my friends and she was welcome to come.

 

She and a friend of hers showed up, met my friends and bowled with us. It was cool, I kissed her before we left. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I don't get attached or expect anything cause I know she might disappear next week or turn out not to be what I expected so no I won't change my way of doing things.

[quidproquo89]

I have the same problem. My town is tiny and all the women are with somebody. I was proper disappointed last week when I met with an OLD prospect who seemed to match my interests, personality perfectly. It became apparent that she wasn't even really looking for anything or even wanted to be there. She didn't show much enthusiasm for me at all and I'm still running through my mind - how could I have been funnier or more charming. When in actuality there was nothing more I could do than showing a keen interest in her and what she is into.

 

Sorry hijacked your thread there ha ha. As for what you were saying, they say it happens when you least expect it. So what you have got to do is just get out there and be around in public places. Don't always look for it, but be ready for when it might happen. I.e. if an attractive girl tries to get your attention don't look away just go up to her with no expectation.

 

Ah man dating in your 20's is awful. So many disappointing women, who just flake for no reason. You have to try and get a thick skin in that respect. It is sooo hard to have no expectations, but that is what you gotta try to do.

 

How much do you go out in town? Also do you join clubs? College? Even your workplace. These are places to find women. I guess all of this has crossed your mind.

 

I repeatedly get clobbered, I mean repeatedly. I sink into depression for a certain amount of time - sort of like digesting food - get it out of my system. Then I try again. Please don't give up. Perhaps a change of approach or expectation? Maybe..

 

OLD is a bit dodgy in my eyes as you feel like you are getting to know someone when in actuality you know nothing until you meet. Never expect anything when it comes to online dating. Also OLD is like a person catalogue its quite a cold experience. But hey, its another option, maybe don't close it off completely because you never know?

 

As for happily being single. I try and fill my hours with work and more importantly family and friends. People make you feel great (the right people) so lavish attention on them. Find past times you enjoy and satisfy your mind. Perhaps for example turn off the TV and go for a walk. You know I find sitting in my room quite a downer sometimes. Take in the fresh air and enjoy good company would be my way of enjoying being single.

 

Also try to learn to speak and get along with people you see - both male and female and you will gain confidence and also get used to chatting with people. Easier said than done I know. I usually get along with guys in the manner because women often don't engage in conversation when I speak to them. As if they have little interest now they've found there bf to even speak to other men, pfft. But hey I live in a small tight community hopefully there are more options available to you.

 

Sorry if I've rambled on but I hope I made some valid points that may help

[Arieswoman]

Hi supernatural, I feel for you. Here's my experience.

 

I was on my own for 15 years (without a serious relationship) after I got divorced.

 

I made my mind up that I would rather be single that in a relationship that wasn't working. I set the bar high, and if any guy I was dating gave me any grief they got one warning and then they got dumped.

 

Some so-called 'friends' said that I would never find anyone because I was "too picky". I pointed out that I had every right to be picky if I was considering a life relationship/marriage.

 

Eventually I moved to another area (for family reasons) and I was so involved with elderly relatives, moving and setting up a business that I didn't have time to be dating (and I never met anyone anyway, as I was too busy).

 

On day I met my future husband in church when I was accompanying my mother to Morning Service, "and the rest is history", as they say.

 

Sometimes things happen when you aren't looking.

 

Good Luck.

[Zippy2000]

I thinking to come off OLD myself. I met a woman fromMatch but after our first date Im beginning not to "feel it". I dont seem to miss her and think about her.

 

I m thinking to just remove my Mtach profile and not look for the next 12 months and focus on other things.

 

For me I ve been single for 5 years now and I ve either found someone not right forme or vice versa and beginning to tire of it all.

 

Dating for me from OLD islike "Buy to try" and ifyou dont like it you move on the the next. However that brings in a lot of "damaged goods". People who are pinning for their exes or people who arent happy in any short of form or with such high expectattions.

 

I feel atmy age of 40 and as a man with no children. Women choose the younger, fitter man.

 

I ve accepted I ll be single for the near forseeable future so I ll just keep my head down and concentrate on the things I want and enjoy in my life.

[Maleficent]

My last significant relationship ended in 2009.

 

Since I seemed to always have someone in mind but it usually ended up with me getting hurt (for some reason, most of those men were not interested but didn't have the spine to just say it so I was stuck with mixed signals)

 

So after the last one (which was actually about a month ago lol) I decided that screw it! For now my free time is divided somewhat equally between my weightlifting, roller derby, part time school and close friends/familly. Whoever expects me to drop one of these things is gonna have to work for it a little...

 

[Toodaloo]

How can you be happily 100% single and stop thinking of trying to find someone and actively looking? I really just want to be single and happy with not hoping to find someone.

 

I think eventually I will start looking for someone. Its times like today (for me) when you have a crummy day and you just want a hug and to get it off your chest... instead I am getting dog farts and a look that says feed us and take us home we should have been in the other office hours ago instead of an empathetic ear and a cup of tea...

 

Sex would also be nice before I hit 70...

 

That said I am single and I am happy. I accepted a while ago that I needed to concentrate on myself and change a few things before I started dating again and in doing that I have found that actually I am really happy. I am doing what I want, with people I want to spend time with. My home is how I want it and I go to see places I want to see.

 

There is a big difference between needs, goals (wants) and wishes. I now have mine clearly defined and clearly marked in my head.

 

I guess the way to happiness regardless of if you are in a relationship or not is to simply be the person you want to be. Look long and hard in the mirror and ask yourself if you like the person looking back at you. When you can say yes that is when you will find peace with yourself and "happiness".

[Mr Scorpio]

How can you be happily 100% single and stop thinking of trying to find someone and actively looking? I really just want to be single and happy with not hoping to find someone.

 

The only time I get that itch (general sentimentality aside) is when I am at a place that has lots of attractive women (bars, concerts, etc). Avoid those places and it becomes out-of-sight out-of-mind.

[me85]

I've been single for a little over a year and I'm perfectly content with that.

 

I think people need periods of "solitude" in between relationships, no matter how long it may last. I also think society puts to much value in relationships. Like, if someone isn't in one then something must be terribly wrong with them. I mean, your older relatives prove it to be true! My aunt is always asking if I'm seeing or talking to anyone or if I've heard from the ex...it's just funny, really. And a bit sad because there's entirely way too much hype about relationships. Especially from the older generations. I say, let's invest in ourselves instead. Relationships aren't all that hard to come by. We could get into them at any given moment, if we really wanted to. We could throw our standards and morals right out the window and be sailing to the altar in no time...

 

but that's not me. Never was. Never will be. It's clear to me why all 3 of my LTRs failed...Maybe I'm supposed to be single...I'm enjoying it. It's just me, my dog and only a select few of people in my life. And I'm happy.

[No Limit]

Quality, not quantity.

[Easyguy14]

I have been single for a year and a half. And even a year and a half ago I wasn't truly dating or in a relationship. I suppose it's been 7.5 years since my last and only real relationship where we agreed on boyfriend/girlfriend titles.

 

I'm sure as many of you know, dating in your twenties can be tough. For many reasons.

Although I can't ignore the many other twenty-somethings with girlfriends and boyfriends - pretty much everyone. I never meet single twenty-somethings. It's like I'm playing musical chairs and everyone has already sat down with a partner. Then I'm left, awkwardly, standing...

 

I want to find someone great. Someone to share experiences with and grow together. I mean, I deserve to meet someone. I have a sense of humor, I'm good-looking, in-shape, witty personality, etc. But I can't seem to find it.

 

So when you can't find something, or we go on dates and there never seems to be mutual interest... After awhile we sort of lose hope in finding something meaningful.

 

So I guess I've actually given up on dating. And have little confidence to put myself out there for some time as I really just don't think I can handle more rejection.

 

Even so, with all this lost hope... I still have some. It's kind of annoying. Because I will walk down the street and sense that I actively am still 'looking'. But I really don't want to search for awhile.

 

I've deleted my all OLD accounts. Don't ask women out anymore, even if there is a connection.

 

My question... How can you be happily 100% single and stop thinking of trying to find someone and actively looking? I really just want to be single and happy with not hoping to find someone.

 

I hope I made sense.

 

Thanks for input!

 

 

This is interesting because I always thought it was harder to date in your 30s and easier in your 20s. I certainly had easier times when in my 20s but I'm only 31 now so things haven't gotten that difficult yet.

[Gloria25]

I haven't had a serious relationship in 4 years. I gave up on searching and dating too a while back and started focusing my energy into my son and things I like doing. When I'm not with my son, I do things with my friends, had a blast this past Labor Day weekend, we went tubing near San Antonio.

 

About a week ago I walked into specs to pick up some brew and the girl (cute face, a little thick, maybe 5'5" 150 lbs) who was serving the samples started being flirty. So I got her number and talked to her. I don't date anymore (got too feed up with the flaking and paying for shyt) so I told her I was going bowling with my friends and she was welcome to come.

 

She and a friend of hers showed up, met my friends and bowled with us. It was cool, I kissed her before we left. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I don't get attached or expect anything cause I know she might disappear next week or turn out not to be what I expected so no I won't change my way of doing things.

 

I agree with this approach ^^...cuz, think about it, you can't have sex all the time...getting along with someone is what's gonna be the glue to a RL (on top of shared interests, values, character, etc.)

 

I usually recommend people in their 20's to take advantage of that time period - especially if they are in college and exposed to tons of people - to just get out there and have fun, get to know people and don't feel pressured to have sex....That way you can get to know what kind of guy/gal you're looking for and how to weed out the bad ones so when you're ready (possibly late 20's early 30's) you know what you want...

 

Me myself, I've had "droughts" and I think it's a lot of me just getting into a routine (work, exercise, clean, care for the dogs - wash, rinse, repeat) and then I just don't have the time and/or interest to feel the need for someone....BTW, I'm late 30's.

[LostOnes05]

Feel like I'm team captain but I'm riding the bench...I'm in foul trouble.

[deathandtaxes]

Routine. Hobbies. Friends. And lots of masturbation.

[Psst]

Hi supernatural, I feel for you. Here's my experience.

 

I was on my own for 15 years (without a serious relationship) after I got divorced.

 

I made my mind up that I would rather be single that in a relationship that wasn't working. I set the bar high, and if any guy I was dating gave me any grief they got one warning and then they got dumped.

 

Some so-called 'friends' said that I would never find anyone because I was "too picky". I pointed out that I had every right to be picky if I was considering a life relationship/marriage.

 

Eventually I moved to another area (for family reasons) and I was so involved with elderly relatives, moving and setting up a business that I didn't have time to be dating (and I never met anyone anyway, as I was too busy).

 

On day I met my future husband in church when I was accompanying my mother to Morning Service, "and the rest is history", as they say.

 

Sometimes things happen when you aren't looking.

 

Good Luck.

 

I hear this a lot, but the problem is that the amount of waiting time is indefinite. It can be anywhere from 2 weeks to 15 years (like in your situation).

[travelbug1996]

This post made me sad, since its never good to hear people say they are giving up on love. I'm single and I embrace this time and one day I'll be in a relationship and will embrace that time as well.

 

For me, God is Love and I won't ever stop believing in love. And I surely won't stop believing in God.

 

Rock Steady

[quidproquo89]

This post made me sad, since its never good to hear people say they are giving up on love. I'm single and I embrace this time and one day I'll be in a relationship and will embrace that time as well.

 

For me, God is Love and I won't ever stop believing in love. And I surely won't stop believing in God.

 

Rock Steady

 

You're a good man, good faith! Keep up the good work

[jrtfrisco]

It sounded like I could have written this post.

 

My last long-term relationship ended 2.5 years ago (it lasted 6.5 years), and since the extent of my dating has been 1-3 months relationships (or casual flings). The girls I did like, or felt were "date worthy," ended up not liking me the same way (none of those dates went past date 3 or so)...and many girls who wanted to date me, I didn't feel the same way about them.

 

I recently had a second date with a girl where, afterwards, I felt like it was a great date and that I secured a third date for sure. We kissed, laughed all night, held hands...it felt like one of those rare, special dates that had promise. Yet, I was way off. After asking for date 3, she made up excuses as to why she was unavailable, and finally told me that it's not going to work (giving me the worst line, "is not you, it's me").

 

So with that said, I feel like you now.

 

Yet, you have to dust yourself off, and get back at it. Giving up on dating, or giving up on hope on meeting a girl you want to date, is not the solution.

 

Maybe take some time off from dating in general, and focus on yourself (your career, hobbies, etc.). But ultimately, get back at it with positivity and confidence.

Edited September 24, 2014 by jrtfrisco

[Mr Scorpio]

Yet, you have to dust yourself off, and get back at it. Giving up on dating, or giving up on hope on meeting a girl you want to date, is not the solution.

 

 

Why is it not the solution?

[jrtfrisco]

Why is it not the solution?

 

Because by giving up on dating or hope, you're significantly reducing (if not eliminating) your chances of meeting that special someone eventually.

 

Also, I "get" the poster's position...dating has its ups and downs, it can be demoralizing, etc. Yet, ultimately you can't let the disappointments keep you down. You have to keep moving and be positive.

Edited September 24, 2014 by jrtfrisco

[Natsu21]

As an African American, the dating pool is slim PERIOD in the South if you wanna date interracially. Though I date women of all races, I tend to venture out into other ethnicities, but in the South, especially when it comes to Caucasian women, you got a better chance at being struck by lightning than finding a date if you're my color.

 

Combine that with the fact that the 20s is relationship central, and you either gotta play dirty to date or settle for being single, which isn't all that bad, cept if you're constantly bombarded with taken people in your face.

 

The idea is, that no matter how much you don't like a situation, such as being single, sometimes you got to make the best of it.

 

I'm black so I know it'll be a slim chance that I'll land a MAJOR hottie unless I'm well ripped, rich, and probably lighter skinned....

 

So I usually go for what I can get.

 

I'm 23 so commitment isn't really in the cards right now.

[Mr Scorpio]

Because by giving up on dating or hope, you're significantly reducing (if not eliminating) your chances of meeting that special someone eventually.

 

 

Yet, you are also significantly reducing the expectation of meeting that special someone eventually. From one perspective: happiness = (expectation - reality)

[OwMyEyeball]

Because by giving up on dating or hope, you're significantly reducing (if not eliminating) your chances of meeting that special someone eventually.

 

Also, I "get" the poster's position...dating has its ups and downs, it can be demoralizing, etc. Yet, ultimately you can't let the disappointments keep you down. You have to keep moving and be positive.

I don't see the down side to remaining single if someone has devoted their attention and energies to other high aspirations.

 

I would argue that turning one's attention to what gives them satisfaction and joy in life - other than fulfilling the desire for romantic connection - would actually increase their odds of finding a compatible mate.

 

I also believe that as modern society has changed in the past half century the age of adolescence (pre-adulthood) has increased well beyond its biological definition. Due to economic hardships and changing social values a lot of young people are not becoming independent adults until well into their 20's while still feeling the pressures, both biological and societal, for adhering to dying traditions of courtship and marriage. They may think they are prepared for that level of responsibility, and certainly some are, but the reality on the ground speaks otherwise.

 

If dating isn't for fun and enjoyment, then it isn't a healthy pursuit. That's my personal opinion, of course, but one I'm beginning to firm up on.

 

It's easy to fall victim to our biological cravings - we all do to varying degrees throughout our lives. Yet I see great benefit in ignoring them if the ultimate goal is cultivation of richer qualities - enhanced skills, virtue, spiritual elevation, social bonding, community building or whatever other higher callings exist within one's culture.