I am so lost it hurts.

[missinglink]

If I think about my girlfriend and dissect everything about her, there is NOTHING I don't like/love about her. I love her beauty inside and out. I love her love for me. I love her morals, work ethics, intelligence, personality, etc. I love the way she treats me. I love our relationship. The thing is there is something pulling me away telling me to break up with her. I have no clue here it is coming from but I feel like my love for her herself is drifting away if it hasn't already. I normally don't feel in love with her but I do get these infrequent bursts of affection that are relatively quickly fleeting.

I feel like when I go to hang out with her or call her/text her it is not because I necessarily want to, but rather because I feel it is my responsibility to do so. Sometimes I even get aggravated by her over literally nothing. Just her pretense, although I never take out the aggravation on her. I do not miss her when she is gone, I look forward to hanging out with my friends when I get some time away from her. I have a better time with my friends too. I was away from her for about a month and didn't miss her one bit. My friends told me I hadn't seemed that happy in a while.

I feel like I'm even writing this to get some of the community to tell me I should break up. I just can't bring myself to do it though. I don't know where my love for my girlfriend has gone after 3.5 years. I'm not one to give up on things easily and I would genuinely like to reignite my feelings for her because I know that her feelings for me are stronger than ever and I at least owe it to her to try to fix things on my end. The problem is that for a year or two I have been telling myself different things to get me to stay with her. One phase was "The spark will come eventually" next phase "I just need to give it some time or wait for an event to spark things for me" next "she is such a logical choice". And she is. She is a very secure partner that will almost definitely become my wife if I want. She is going somewhere in life too, so a stable future is linked to her.

I feel really bad seeing things this way, but it's how it is. I'm not taking her for granted either.

I want to be IN LOVE with her. I want to be excited to see her. I understand that no couple is crazy about each other 24/7 and the excitement does wear off, but I would like to have that awesome in love feeling and spark of excitement often enough to know that she is the right girl to be with. I have these two forces fighting each other within myself and the one fighting to stay with her is only slightly stronger than the opposing. How can I tell which one is right? How can I light the fire again if the one telling me to stay is the right one?

 

We are both in our early twenties. Both her and I take relationships seriously. I date with marriage in mind. If I can't see a future with someone, I'm wasting my time trying to develop a relationship. My girlfriend and I don't have sex. I respect that she wants to save it till marriage although I am not a virgin. I am truly not bothered by the absence of sex though. The reason I bring it up is that maybe there is some subconscious part of my mind that is ticked that I haven't had sex in over four years. Although I don't think that is it, but if someone thinks something of it I'm open to all input.

 

Thank you guys. I'm really in a slump and feeling down and just knowing someone took the time to listen (or read) helps a lot.

[Gloria25]

Relationships take work...

 

Too many people rely on "emotions, feelings" to keep their RLs going, but fact is relationships get dry, mundane, just like anything else. Also, actions drive feelings...So, you have to do things to develop feelings.

 

You have to work at a RL to feel that "spark" you miss.

 

Look at your job, we all have periods where we are bored or even hate our jobs...But we have bills to pay, so we move past our feeeeeelings and show up to work and get it done. Shoot, sometimes even after a day of work we feel great that we got it over with and can look forward to the weekend to play!!!

 

Same thing in relationships. Set up "date nights", surprise your partner, keep on 'sharpening the saw'...Shoot, even your time away from her is good so when you come back to her you're refreshed and ready to do new/more things with her.

 

One of my gfs came into town recently and it's hard on us to keep the friendship going cuz we have different lives and live states away....But, we strive to make calls (even when we get busy), we write, and we visit each other. Yes, the other day I was even feeling like she was a stranger to me cuz she and I haven't seen each other in a while...But when we went out over the weekend - it's like we picked up where we left off. So you see, actions (us making time to go out) drive the feelings (our friendship).

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I disagree with the above. While all successful relationships take hard work, and infatuation is a very small part of things, you can't create a spark with hard work. Have you felt that kind of excitement and attraction with her before? If so, then maybe you can rediscover it; if not, then it's probably never going to happen. It's not wrong to want to be in love.

[smackie9]

Ya it might have to do with the lack of sex to create that emotional bond, but how would you ever know this? You can't have sex until marriage... are you going to risk marrying her to find out? Nah. I don't think the lack of sex played a huge part in how you feel, sometimes people just fall out of love naturally. There is the honeymoon phase, which lasts anywhere from 6 months to about 2 years....that's when your feeling for her started to slip away. There is no real way to creat love, it's an emotion that just happens, it can't be forced or created. Sorry but there isn't any real solution. If you are happier without her, that should tell you something. You probably love what she represents, but not mind body and soul. It's possible she just isn't the one. It takes more than beauty, and being treated right to sustain attraction. There isn't enough substance, compatibility, passion to keep you interested......come on who do you think yo are kidding....even your friends notice how much happier you are without her. You have to face your fears, fear of hurting her, fear of being without her, fear of not being in a relationship. You owe it to her to figure this out NOW, it is not fair that you are wasting her time, misleading her making her think everything is OK.

[TayTay415]

You say you want to be in love with her, when the truth is, you want to be in her. You want to bone. Can't blame you. But tell it like it is.

[smackie9]

You say you want to be in love with her, when the truth is, you want to be in her. You want to bone. Can't blame you. But tell it like it is.

Ya it is possible you have pulled back your feelings because you had to pull back your sexual desires.

[missinglink]

@Gloria25

I do all those things, but that is what I feel is it is a responsibility as opposed to something I genuinely want to do. Is it normal for relationships to reach this point that mine is at? Is it an unavoidable factor or are there other ways around it like something else to try out or is it only avoidable with the right person?

 

@chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

To be honest, I can't quite remember. I did used to look forward to seeing her more. I also know I used to do more sweet things for her and more willingly spend more time with her. She has, however, most definitely from the start been the more passionate one in the relationship. My friends said that they noticed a change in my attitude about the relationship when she broke up with me and we got back together the same day (Due to me not going to a church thing she wanted me to go on. I'll elaborate at the end of the post if you'd like to read it). From that day on, they said, that I was pretty frequently questioning things. Not so much before though. (My friends haven't give too much in the line of advice, but they did give me their honest observations with this).

 

I probably should've mentioned the break up originally. I didn't go on a church retreat that she was going on and upon her arrival after the retreat, she broke up with me while crying and I comforting her. She said I was bringing her away from God. A few hours later she called me crying wanting to talk. I went over to her house and we got back together. I told her I didn't want her to get involved with that same retreat again (Every couple I have seen where one goes on the retreat and the other doesn't, breaks up without fail). She ended up not respecting my request and became the co-director on the next one. I let her know I was not cool with it AT ALL, but still let her do it despite it taking away a lot of time from us. Since then, she hasn't done anything with that and has not even remotely been an issue. We are the same religion, she just used to be more involved with the church.

[missinglink]

@smackie9

@TayTay415

I know if I really wanted to, I could have sex with her. However, I just couldn't bring myself to do that out of respect for her. We do "do stuff". We have been in bed naked, slept together (once), mess around with foreplay. She has "taken care" of me, just not involving me going in on the lower end. The thing is I don't really care to do that stuff with her (although she likes to) because, quite frankly, I'm better with myself than she is.

Sorry if the post was a little odd. Just want to give possibly relevant details.

[Ronni_W]

I feel like I'm even writing this to get some of the community to tell me I should break up.

You MOST DEFINITELY should break up! Just grow a pair and do it.

 

You are SO FAR from being "in love" or even feeling loving, that there's no place to start.

I don't think it's about a lack of sex but a lack of anything and everything that is needed, necessary, required for YOU to be long-term happy and fulfilled and for YOU to be a long-term loving, inspirational, supportive partner/husband/love mate.

 

She may be a terrific, loving, kind, hard-working, intelligent, moral, ethical person...but all of that still doesn't make her Ms.Right for you.

 

It sounds like you've gotten in the habit of being in relationship with her...and it is a habit that no longer brings you much genuine joy, happiness. The way you described it, sounds more like a chore.

 

Grow a pair and just do what you already knew, before you posted, you must do (for yourself, your own long-term happiness, contentment in life).

[Polak]

She may be a terrific, loving, kind, hard-working, intelligent, moral, ethical person...but all of that still doesn't make her Ms.Right for you.

 

It sounds like you've gotten in the habit of being in relationship with her...and it is a habit that no longer brings you much genuine joy, happiness. The way you described it, sounds more like a chore.

 

It may be hard to believe this, but it's true. All the perfect qualities a girl may possess still doesn't mean she is the one for you.

Having these 2 conflicting forces within you is a fascinating thing to think about, fascinating mainly because of how long it's been going on. But I would agree, when it gets to the point that it becomes a chore (you mentioned believing it's your "responsibility" to plan things or contact her, not because you want to) it's gone a bit too far.

 

Having said all this, I think Gloria25 is absolutely correct about hard work in a relationship. Everyone wants it to be easy and carefree, but the reality is much different. True lasting relationships involve sacrifice and effort from both sides. It's just that spark that is hard to pinpoint. You said you spent one month away from her and didn't miss her one bit. In my opinion, it's safe to say that the spark won't be coming back, no matter how much work you put into it the relationship. She just doesn't seem to be right for you anymore. And that happens, it's not some unheard-of scenario.

[ExpatInItaly]

I honestly think you're just not compatible anymore. People grow and change tremendously in their twenties and even though someone is good on paper, they might not be the right life partner. There are more differences here than you initially let on (sexual compatibility, differences in religious devotion) and those are significant. You can't force feelings to come back.

[missinglink]

Thank you everyone for your input and advice.

 

I hung out with her today and surprise, everything felt right again. That is where the painful confusion comes in, because I know I will just go back to feeling like this relationship is my responsibility. It always ends up happening. I just wish I could keep that feeling of contentness. The feeling is just so easily dismissed though.

One day I can be simply socializing and feel a connection with another girl and my feelings towards this relationship will get shaken up again. I never act on it and disconnect with that person to a safe enough distance as to where I won't fall too far into it all, but I feel as though I am emotionally cheating when I have these feelings beginning for another. Those feelings are dismissed though.

Also when I hang out with friends, I wish my girlfriend could be there with us having a great time, but whenever she is, she looks bored or unhappy. That's when the questioning is sparked again.

 

Anyways, if there really is no more hope, or no reason to believe so, how do I go about a break up? She is a very sweet girl. She is also VERY emotional when she is hurt or something. It's not like she's a roller coaster, but when something sets her off it's rough. I just don't know how I could soften the blow or make it easier on her. I'm not trying to rush things but at the same time I'm not wanting to put things off. Would slowly disconnecting be the key? I don't think she would really see it coming if just out of the blue I end things with her. I really do have an ocean of respect for this girl and want to do things as right as possible.

[mightycpa]

I wish my girlfriend could be there with us having a great time, but whenever she is, she looks bored or unhappy.

 

You should ask her about that. Early 20's, maybe she is beginning to want out too.

[missinglink]

@mightycpa

I've brought that up to her a couple of times before, however she always reassures me that she loves me and doesn't want a break up. She says it's just that she doesn't like the same things that we do.

She's always in a great mood when it's just her and I. That's what she prefers most of the time. Other times she wants to hang out with her friends (who I really do like, they're just really bland). She also really likes for me to go around her family, however despite the fact that I love them, I'm normally pretty uncomfortable because of 1. A language barrier between half of them (including her mother) and 2. Their nature. Just the way they are. They have amazing hearts but are pretty loud and routy when they start to drink, which is at every family get together. Which is almost every weekend. I'm not a drinker. And don't get me wrong, my friends and I can get routy, but there's a difference between sober and drunk routy.

I do have a good time with just her, but it never really feels "special" or "magical". I know that's not something to expect all the time, but it really almost never feels that way.

[Missy0724]

You need to reread your posts! You are saying a lot of things that answer your own questions... She seems unhappy, bored at times, you told her you didn't want her to go on a retreat, you are entertaining the thought of other women, etc. You guys are young! Sounds like it has run it's course. And that's ok!

 

Don't feel guilty! Don't hold on because you are afraid to hurt her, she's sensitive, etc. That's very codependent! You should be thinking about YOU and what makes YOU happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness. It's not your job to ensure her happiness.

 

And genuine, healthy relationships, are not "magical". After the honeymoon phase, if it's a healthy relationship, things settle down, things deepen, you become best friends. With lots of ups and downs. But again, you are young, and not sure how many relationships you've been in. If you want a relationship to always be "magical", you will be forever chasing a unicorn. Yes, spark, respect, feeling good and happy with a person healthy. But that should be an addition to your own happy self, and happy life... And maybe you both need to part, and enjoy being young! Meet new people! Take your time... Don't get so wrapped up in one person right now! Especially with one (exclusive relationship) where you are having so much doubt, questioning...

 

Tell her the truth, your feelings of doubt. That communication and respect is the best you can offer right now. So at least you can say you are doing the right thing. Yes, people get hurt. You may hurt her. This is life. Won't be the first time, or the last...she and you will get over it. Plenty of life left! Don't waste her time, or yours, if you both are unhappy, doubting... Sometimes setting someone free, is the best gift you can give them! That is love and truly caring!!!

[smackie9]

You have an itch that you are too afraid to scratch, and don't want to see that your relationship has run it's course. You don't have the ballz to admit it.

[smackie9]

.

Sometimes setting someone free, is the best gift you can give them! That is love and truly caring!!!

 

I agree with this^^^^^ I sure as hell wouldn't want my BF staying with me with doubts about his feeling towards me. You owe it to her.