Absolutely devastated he has a girlfriend - what's he playing at?

[blueberrymuffin]

We have known each other for a year and have a serious connection. I mean a connection I haven't know with anybody else on the planet, ever. It's like we just get each other. I know things about his horrible childhood I doubt very few people know and vice versa. I submitted a long thread about it ages ago, wondering if he liked me as more than a friend. The consensus was, as I was making the majority of the moves in texting him (as friends) etc I needed to stop doing this. I did, and he responded by filling the gap. He won't let two weeks pass without texting etc. He now suggests most of our get-togethers and looks genuinely sad when we part and even does the follow-up "date text" in the morning with some follow-up on what we talked out. But I could never get a clear sign he liked me and never had the courage to ask him. I should say here I do have a problem with showing guys I like them! I think they may suspect it but I just never learnt how to give the green light.

 

Anyway, we arranged to meet up a few days ago and he sent me a text saying 'oh x and I are dating do you mind if she comes too.' To say it was like a punch in the stomach is an understatement. Tbh I just didn't want to see him but felt I had to hold my head up high. So I went and when we greeted each other he was weird (she came later) could hardly look me in the eye and the conversation for the first time ever was stilted. Although he found time to suggest we do this thing together next month because gf will be working. I looked so upset and figured he could tell so felt I had to say something. I just made some **** up to give a plausible excuse and he said 'yeah I can tell you were upset'. I don't know if he bought it that it wasn't about him...

 

The girl came and is so sweet, and I liked her but it's so odd they're together. I guess she's more his type physically than me and reading between the lines she made a play for him... But they clearly don't have a huge amount in common (I think - don't know her well enough) and he seemed to want to talk to me more than her. They def don't have the conversations we have. It was all so painful and I got out of there as soon as I could.

 

I guess this is more of a rant. What is he playing at? From his strange behaviour meeting me it wasn't just (in his mind) innocent friend meets girlfriend. And if you know your female friend likes you, would you be so cruel as to break the news and introduce new gf on the same day? Did he not know I liked him? The connection thing is something he has pretty much said to me, it's 100% not just me feeling it. He clearly loves spending time with me, reaches out (which is a big deal for him) to make contact. He was once talking about his mother to me and as a slip of the tongue called her the mother-in-law. But I'm now thinking he's just not sexually attracted to me But then would you make an effort with girl you didn't like on some level?

 

I just don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I need to cut him out of my life completely to get over him - even though I know I will never feel this level of connection with anyone. Do I stay friends with him - although definitely not like we were, there's no way I could handle that - get on with my own love life and see if things happen in the future? I feel terrible It's like I've just had the most hideous breakup and we never even dated!!!

[OwMyEyeball]

Either he does not feel any sexual attraction to you or you have never given him signals of your sexual interest. Sometimes the latter triggers the former.

 

Of course you will find another person with whom you can share that level of connection. You may not feel that way right now - the throes of rejection can really mess with mood - but the fact is that you can get to know someone to that level of intimacy again.

 

What exactly did you desire from his companionship that you were not already receiving as friends? Was it sex and affection you were seeking? Exclusivity?

[SidneyS]

I'm not getting a clear picture. Based on your description there is either a large physical distance between you and/or you were not seeing each other regularly. Texting every 2 weeks is a level you would typically have with your circle of best friends. So from my perspective he is not playing at all, but you were thinking there would be more between you and him after one full year without physical intimacy at all. Either you have been friendzoned or you havn't been out of friendzone to begin with...

[blueberrymuffin]

Thanks for your replies.

 

Owmyeyeball - I've been hoping for a full relationship with him, just to shy and reserved to make it clear to him with bells on. I guess I've been waiting for him to do the whole big 'confession'. I know, it sounds ridiculous.

 

SidneyS - I know it looks like that. There is a physical distance, say an hour and a half and incredibly busy work and life schedules. We're both really reserved and passive people and to be honest I don't (and I think the same for him) keep in touch with anybody every week / two weeks apart from immediate family.

 

Back in the beginning he would crack "jokes" about us going home together and I'm afraid the couple of times he did it I just seized up and changed the subject. Just a couple of months ago I started telling him a story about this sleazy guy at work who was making me feel uncomfortable. But before I got to that part he thought I was going to tell him about a guy I had met/liked. He sort of pushed his chair back and the expression on his face said he didn't want to hear it. He relaxed when he figured out what it was about.

 

Just now when we met straight after he told me about his gf, he was definitely very unnaturally awkward, like he'd done something wrong... Just guilty because he knew I liked him? Or that he caved to someone else.

 

I guess all of this doesn't matter anyway. I can never get on with my life with him in it sadly so I'll have to pull away and then he'll guess how much in love with him I am/was.

 

I've hung around waiting for something to happen (too shy to do it myself) for a year - for all I know it was the same with him :roll eyes: (he's shy and passive too) and he was the one to give up first! Or maybe because in my 28 years I've never felt this connection with anyone and I'm deluding myself.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I think this is just a friendly guy and you've misinterpreted his actions.

 

He won't let two weeks pass without texting etc.

 

That's a relatively long time for text messages. I text most of my close friends (male or female) more often than that.

 

He now suggests most of our get-togethers and looks genuinely sad when we part and even does the follow-up "date text" in the morning with some follow-up on what we talked out.

 

Again, not seeing anything unusual here. I tell most of my friends thanks afterwards too.

 

But I could never get a clear sign he liked me

 

Bolding, italicizing and underlining for emphasis.

 

Anyway, we arranged to meet up a few days ago and he sent me a text saying 'oh x and I are dating do you mind if she comes too.' To say it was like a punch in the stomach is an understatement. Tbh I just didn't want to see him but felt I had to hold my head up high. So I went and when we greeted each other he was weird (she came later) could hardly look me in the eye and the conversation for the first time ever was stilted. Although he found time to suggest we do this thing together next month because gf will be working. I looked so upset and figured he could tell so felt I had to say something. I just made some **** up to give a plausible excuse and he said 'yeah I can tell you were upset'. I don't know if he bought it that it wasn't about him...

 

He didn't. He knows you are interested and feels very uncomfortable about it. He did the right thing by inviting his girlfriend and showing you he was taken.

 

The girl came and is so sweet, and I liked her but it's so odd they're together. I guess she's more his type physically than me and reading between the lines she made a play for him... But they clearly don't have a huge amount in common (I think - don't know her well enough) and he seemed to want to talk to me more than her. They def don't have the conversations we have. It was all so painful and I got out of there as soon as I could.

 

This is neither fair nor true. You don't know what their relationship is like based on one meeting. Besides, plenty of happy couples have few things in common.

 

And if you know your female friend likes you, would you be so cruel as to break the news and introduce new gf on the same day?

 

Yes, absolutely, and this is the clearest sign that he is not interested. I have had a few male friends with crushes on me and I unambiguously shut it down (as kindly as possible) as soon as I find out about it.

 

I'm really sorry this happened, but it reads like you're reading way, way too much into your interactions with this guy. Ease back for a while, cut him out if you need to and live your life. A man who is truly into you will be completely clear about his intentions.

[sid3]

"If my loves without a reason, I'm prepared to let you go" ... Boy George

[preraph]

You need to stop going along with being friends with them while he's dating her. It will only solidify your friendzone status. Keep your distance until they break up down the line and then let him know you're interested.

[Augman]

You need to stop going along with being friends with them while he's dating her. It will only solidify your friendzone status. Keep your distance until they break up down the line and then let him know you're interested.

 

This looks to me to be good advice. Get your own life and meet other people while keeping him on the sideline. if it doesn't work out for them, be prepared to fess up.

 

Also, he keeps in contact via text every two weeks and you think that is often? not to sound harsh but that's a little unrealistic... I contact every best friend of mine at least once every couple days, typically once per day, and a girl I have been dating only a couple weeks I contact daily... just saying..

[travelbug1996]

Did you ever ask him if he had a girlfriend?? Did he ever kiss you or hold your hand?

 

Has he ever asked you out on a date??

 

I think you got caught up in a fantasy and let it go too far. I don't see anything he has done wrong. I think you let your thoughts and feelings get away from you.

 

I would suggest you cut all contact to get your feelings in check.

 

Next time don't let your feelings get away from you like that. It happens to us all at some point but you gotta pull it together.