krista28 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I have been dating this guy on and off for the last six months. he is a snowboarding guy and is very passionate about that. he smokes weed and is really easy going. he and i have tried to make it work for months but it always seems all he can spare to see me is twice a week tops and he thinks thats making a really big effort. i am 29 and expect a bit more.. no matter what i do he just doesnt seem to understand what a boyfriend is...and wont put in that effort...even if it does it slows down... then he seems to think hes been going way out of his way and making an effort..but it really isnt enough for me and not what im looking for and i dont understand. hes so selfish at this point he said he doesnt even want anything to do with me when before he said he wanted to still remain friends..i donno or dont get it...its always me thinking he isnt generous with his time and would rather be with hi friends or family...or doing other things. i even had holidays this summer and he didnt spend any of that time with me..he rather spent time with all his relatives and friends..... and he thought that was enough...can anyone relate to this? why doesnt he get it? ps hes 36 and still single so that could be why..he doesnt put forth the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I get the whole ' the heart wants what it wants' thing, but seriously, you're pining for a guy that at 36 lives like a teenager, and shows you little to no priority. I'd say set your standards a little bit higher. Yeah it's often hard to move on. In your case I think the reward is so worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 So, all the advice you received -- posters preaching for you to stop dating and start working on yourself fell on deaf ears. Here you are again with another thread about a guy crapping on you. If the list of threads you created isn't testament and an eye-opener for you to just bite the bullet -- stay single and focus on yourself, there really is no amount of advice on these darn threads that are going to help you until YOU decide it's time for change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 So, all the advice you received -- posters preaching for you to stop dating and start working on yourself fell on deaf ears. Here you are again with another thread about a guy crapping on you. If the list of threads you created isn't testament and an eye-opener for you to just bite the bullet -- stay single and focus on yourself. Who said stay single, Snowboard guy is just a douche.I didn't think there's was any ambiguity there. Apparently there's a history here I'm unaware of. Your fiery response to the OP seems quite passionate. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Some guys never ever grow up. I don't see anything wrong with doing only what you want to do, and I'm kind of that way, but when you are that way, you better enjoy doing things alone. This may be his dream or something. If it is, he should follow it. Thing is, he's not ready for a commitment of any kind. So sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) Who said stay single, Snowboard guy is just a douche.I didn't think there's was any ambiguity there. Apparently there's a history here I'm unaware of. Your fiery response to the OP seems quite passionate. Then read the history. Yes, passionate because I've followed her bad experiences with men. Edited August 29, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Zahara is the best poster on this board and always does thorough research before posting. Unfortunately for the OP, old habits die hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Where to begin with this thread.. for starters he doesn't care about you. If he cared the least bit you would not be second to other things. Second I've dated pot heads and found that they are all generally the same "well what ever man" attitude towards life. Not all are like that but the vast majority are. While pot might be chemically addictive people can be addicted to it. One of my ex'es was. I did not smoke weed but she did and heavily. People with addictions are NOT reliable. Their addictions will ALWAYS come first. That means they will hang out with people who have like minded addictions. Saw this first hand with my ex.. Pot would almost always come first unless she was about to lose me. Even if you smoke pot as regularly as he does it will still be an issue. Move on and clean up your life. Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Who said stay single, Snowboard guy is just a douche.I didn't think there's was any ambiguity there. Apparently there's a history here I'm unaware of. Your fiery response to the OP seems quite passionate. Definitely a history. OP finds herself in the same situations over and over and over and over and over and over again. As for why he behaves this way, the answer is the same as it was months ago. He isn't that into you, and you keep tolerating it. Pretty simple. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) He doesn't "not get it", it's clear based on his non-effort and nonchalance that he wasn't that into you. I have dated men who wee into me and men who weren't that into me. The difference is obvious. The ones where they weren't that into me, involved lots of guessing, pulling teeth, confusion, back and forth, making something out of nothing, wondering, being frustrated etc. The ones who were into me, it was effortless, in the sense that I didn't have to guess or be confused or make them do anything, they asked to hang out, came to see me, took me out, dropped stuff for me, planned me into their lives etc without me having to make a big fuss for them to do so. It's pretty obvious. Busy men who are REALLY into you don't care about busyness and will make the time and want to please you. He obviously has time for other people so he isn't that busy, you're just not a priority. He also sounds like a bum IMO...not that smoking weed equals bum, but you describe him as into snowboarding and smoking and just being chill and being on and off...he's not that bothered about life. He's floating along and isn't at all on your speed....you say you need more...well he can't give it, that's just him. He doesn't need to wise up, you just need to accept he is who he is and he's not for you and leave him to his own "chill" life. If you want a serious relationship I would avoid these types of "chill" guys personally, as they are often chill, aka nonchalant about EVERYTHING. Look for men who seem to be more driven or at the least clear about wanting a relationship and who make time for you. Edited August 29, 2014 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 2 days a week seems like enough effort to me. What's wrong with wanting to spend time away from her with his friends? Then if she's nagging him about his lifestyle then he's just going to push her away even more. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You sound a lot like a friend of mine. She was always asking me why the guy she was interested in wasn't giving her enough, when the guys left she would as what she should do if/when they come back, wanting to know how to make a guy she was interested in ask her out. She'd agonize for weeks, months about men who didn't care. Her entire self-worth was wrapped up in being desired and in a relationship. She couldn't accept that she'd been used, they weren't interested, they weren't coming back, they didn't want her. It always had to be twisted so she came out on top. He's a loser, he wasn't a real man, etc. Unfortunately, her life story is a string of rejections. She never finished college, her family life left a lot to be desired and the men always disappoint. She doesn't ever stop to consider if the man is even a good dating prospect. A good date=relationship. Sex=relationship. It doesn't matter if he's a turbo douche, he just has to call and she'll stay. She'll battle to remain in the life of a man who doesn't care. When they treat her badly she'll argue, demand and threaten but she won't leave and then she's shocked and foaming mad when they do. Even more unfortunately, she lacks the self-awareness to stop the pattern. She MUST be in a relationship, she can't get healthy and she can't date around until she meets a nice guy. Her close friends are just like her which is why they're all late 20's/early 30's and either single or single moms and it's the male gender's fault they're alone and everyone who tells them they're wrong is just being mean. She won't listen to me or anyone else who tells her to stop and I suspect you're the same. I'm your age. I've been proposed to twice. My current bf and I have been long distance for the past couple months; he's 2000 miles away and visits me every single weekend. One of us is doing it right and there's no reason you can't get it right too. I'm guessing you're actually a sweet person, just like my friend, but your self-respect is lacking. No one else will respect you until you do. Accept this guy for who he is, don't try to change him, and either degrade yourself by settling for less or respect yourself enough to leave and find better next time. But none of this is his problem; it's yours. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartDesires Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 he said he doesnt even want anything to do with me *sigh*...you're the one that doesn't "get it". Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You want this guy so much because he doesn't want you back. It really is that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Krista28, are you a troll? How can you not understand that you are just not picking men who are that into you? I mean I was a little clueless regarding my ex, but your posts are truly alarming to me. Just the fact you chase men who actually tell you they do not want anything to do with you? Why would you want to bother with a man who doesn't spend any time with you? Link to post Share on other sites
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