Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Hey guys, hope all is well. Been dating this single mom (1 kid) whom i've known for over a year now but only started dating last couple of weeks. Her interest level was pretty high since she texted me and asked if dates would go through. I was a bit hesitant because of the kid so i remained a bit distant. This led her to say that she couldn't grasp what i was feeling. Anyway, one night she asked me if i was in love with her. I was surprised by this question so didn't answer it. She seemed disappointed. Well, ever since that moment she's been a bit more distant. We don't go on dates anymore but we still enjoy each other's company when we go out with mutual friends. Although recently she's not so eager anymore to see me. She's told me she's not looking for an adventure but a steady relationship. She obviously has the impression i'm only after a fling. So quite the situation here. Don't know if talking to her and make my intentions clear would help in this situation. Any afvice? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Talking wont do much. People go out with each other because they enjoy the company of the other person. So what you do is continue going out with her and having fun with her. If youre the guy that she can open up to and tell all her feelings to, you wont need to say much. Good job not answering by the way, she will respect you more in the long run, for not lying to her Link to post Share on other sites
Teddius Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Since your prior behavior is indicative of otherwise, you will be well advised to verbally inform her of your intent about seeing her exclusively, that is, if you are serious. I mean, the situation will not resolve itself, and she cannot read minds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Hmm you didn't answer? What did you do then? Run away, plead the 5th, just sit there like a melon, or honestly and frankly explain your feelings? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Well i was kinda caught off guard so I stumbled: well what does it mean to be in love (trying to avoid an answer) and she said: well ok (with an expression on her face: i know enough) Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Right. She wanted a certain answer which you did not give, and got in a mood because you didn't even attempt to answer, you just deflected it. She has extremely unrealistic expectations (being in love after only a few weeks dating) but there are better ways to handle it. You could have said for example, "I think it's a little soon in our relationship for that kind of thing but I am getting more and more attached to you and my feelings are growing". That kid of thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 To be honest if you had replied with that answer I would have backed off too.You are obviously not in love She clearly has more feelings for you than you do her. I would have a chat with her and let her know how you genuinely feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Yep, told her i wanted to chat. She said: we'll talk about it in real life (we were texting). I said: well i really want to see you. She said: well ok i'm in town on friday but i could also make it on thursday perhaps. It depends whether my kid can stay over at someon else's house. I'll let you know. Well guess what, she didn't... I'd like to text her something but hey, if she doesn't let me know if she's free tonite then probably she doesn't want to meet up i guess Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I will echo the others. You need to tell her that 2 weeks is too short for you to be talking about feelings, especially feelings of great importance like 'being in love'. Tell her you enjoy being with her, you think about her, and want to keep getting to know her better. Second, I am questioning her emotional maturity. Teenage girls fall in love in 2 weeks, not grown up women. After 2 weeks she can be infatuated and experience butterflies but she is definitely not in love in the real term of loving someone for better or for worse. What is her dating history? How long have been her relationships? How long she waits to introduce her child to these men? This would all affect my opinion of her. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Do both of you a favor. If a woman asks you that, and you're not in love, move on. Even if you think you could love her, you're moving at completely different speeds, and she's likely to tire of your emotional lagging right about the time you get serious. It could get pretty ugly for you, and it will feel like one of those relationships where there was nothing but drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Well there is a slight nuance in our language. It was not as heavy as 'being in love' more along the lines of smitten Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Yep, told her i wanted to chat. She said: we'll talk about it in real life (we were texting). I said: well i really want to see you. She said: well ok i'm in town on friday but i could also make it on thursday perhaps. It depends whether my kid can stay over at someon else's house. I'll let you know. Well guess what, she didn't... I'd like to text her something but hey, if she doesn't let me know if she's free tonite then probably she doesn't want to meet up i guess I think she is trying to protect herself. She loves you, you don't love her so what's the point in talking. You are both on different pages in your life. She sounds like she knows what she wants and you no longer fit into her life. Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Well there is a slight nuance in our language. It was not as heavy as 'being in love' more along the lines of smitten Are you smitten? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Are you smitten? Yes i am. We make a good emotional connection and there's also physical attraction Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 What is her dating history? How long have been her relationships? How long she waits to introduce her child to these men? This would all affect my opinion of her. Can you answer please.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Can you answer please.... Well i don't know about her dating history. She had a relationship prior to meeting me. This lasted a year and the guy broke up. I don't know how many relationships she's had. The guy had met the kid but was not really involved. Anyway, i Think she's done with me. She 's not even replying now... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 She screams emotional immaturity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 She screams emotional immaturity. Could you explain a little more? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Could you explain a little more? When things go wrong, it is always someone else’s fault. One of the easiest ways to spot emotional immaturity is finger pointing. People who are emotionally immature rarely assume accountability for problems in their lives. It is always everyone else’s fault. It is difficult to talk sense into someone who always blames others. They refuse to see things from someone else’s point of view or own up to their role in things. They think they are right and the world is against them.Emotionally immature people are highly sensitive to things done to them, but are blind to the things they do to others. If they perceive you as wronging them in any way, they retaliate. Yet they expect you to deal with whatever they dish out, including rude and moody behavior. You must accept them as they are, but they cannot accept you you are. More than likely, they often feel persecuted by any behavior they deem as unfair or insensitive. Unfortunately, their perceptions are often very skewed and inaccurate.Emotionally immature people are victims. Bad things happen to them, but their poor choices play no part. Emotionally immature people enjoy playing the role of victim. They refuse to see how their poor choices often lead to consequences. As victims, they will often greatly distort reality, omitting certain things that happened or take words out of context. These emotionally challenged people will often pick partners who will side with them no matter what. They often seek drama because drama allows them to reinforce their victim role and to seek revenge over things that did not play out as they had hoped.Relationships are often short lived. For the emotionally immature, it is challenging to maintain relationships of any substance. The reason is that such people often turn their friends into enemies-over the smallest perceived slight or threat. Compromise is almost impossible for the emotionally immature. They will cut off ties with people who will not give into them all of the time. Or people will distance themselves from the emotionally immature, as they tire of their unreasonable demands. Google it, plenty for you to read. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I think this relationship has been dealt a mortal blow. She sees you as something serious and you rejected her. Knowing somebody for so long and then dating gave her a good idea of who you are and so she asked if you felt a certain way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Talking wont do much. People go out with each other because they enjoy the company of the other person. I disagree ^^ to an extent.... Yes, some people just want "company" and aren't ready to settle down...but some people want a RL to go somewhere...And, I think people know that and should discuss that before sex happens and/or by the third date. In other words, if someone is looking for something serious - it doesn't mean YOU are the one they are gonna be focused on. IMO, it means that while they're dating YOU, they are going to enjoy your company AND evaluate you for the long term. So, at least they know that even after dating you they figure out you aren't "the one" - at least they didn't waste their time. This woman has a kid. I gather she doesn't want guys in/out of her bedroom and/or her kid's life. She wants something more concrete. So, if you just want "company" let her know so she can move on to someone else. Now, I do believe the whole "ILY" thing is too soon, but geesh, so many people just throw the ILY out w/o thinking of what it really means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Well, I had a really long chat with her. I thought we made a connection. BUT she tells me: I'm not in love with you. She finds me attractive and all but doesn't feel the butterflies. I'm not making drama…attraction is not a choice after all. There is no logic in her decision but hey…I'm not trying to pull it out of her. Case closed. She asked if we could still be friends…I said nope we can't Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maximus1108 Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 I would love to hear a female opinion on this. When I like to be around someone and when you find them attractive, isnt that a sign that you are starting to fall in love? Well obviously not. When we kissed she didn't have the intent to go any further so then and there she knew that she was not smitten. She also asked me why i didn't text her more often but why the hell does it matter when you're not in love? Could it be that I have been too much of a nice guy? Would love to hear some thought! Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
frankvega Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Sounds like you somehow feel guilty with yourself for making her upset. She is trying to provoke a reaction from you for not answering to her i love you's Link to post Share on other sites
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