He said "I think I love you"

[triniechu]

Wow...it's been awhile since I've been on here! I'm sure you've seen my posts a few months ago when my ex and I broke it off. I've been so over it now and I haven't thought of contacting him ever.

 

I am in a relationship now. I was dating a guy for about a month and just a few weeks we made it official. Just last week he dropped me off after our wonderful date night and we talked for a little bit. Then he told me he didn't want to spoil anything...that he is enjoying every single moment we have together, that he hasn't been in a relationship in such a long time (he's been dating for years, but no relationships came out of it).He told me he forgot how it felt like to be in such a loving relationship...then he told me "I think I love you." I paused for a moment...and I couldn't believe it. I felt so amazing inside and I told him that I feel the same way. I'm slowly falling for the guy, but I think I'm trying to control my emotions and feelings because everything is happening so fast.

 

Does that mean he is in love with me? I definitely know that he really cares about me and I do feel the love as well. Do you guys think it's way too soon that we both feel that way for each other? I mean i know it's different for everyone. As far as I know, I don't regret what I said to him. What do you guys think?

[d0nnivain]

It's a cheat. He wanted to say it but he was afraid you didn't feel the same way so he hedged his bets, used equivocal language & gave himself a face saving out in case he was wrong & you didn't feel the same way. I have used similar language myself when I was insecure about how the other person felt in the beginning.

 

Don't get hung up on the word choice. Now that it's out there, going forward he should be more comfortable just saying it.

[54JA]

I'm slowly falling for the guy, but I think I'm trying to control my emotions and feelings because everything is happening so fast.

 

:

 

There is no way to tell, but there are a couple approaches you can take.

 

Approach 1 (Enjoy it and don't be afraid to be vulnerable): If you believe you are strong enough to deal with the potential negative consequences, I would say just enjoy it. Putting yourself out there sometimes means you have to open up and be vulnerable. It sounds like you healed well from your previous relationship, and this may be something you can handle. Go for it, if you think the risk is worth it!

 

Approach 2 (Be cautious and maintain some sort of control over your emotion): If your main concern is to maintain control over your emotion, now is the time to really start observing his actions, rather than his words. I mentioned this in a D-Lish's thread, that some men are addicted to the euphoria of infatuation common in the early stages of dating/relationship. They know the quickest way to get this "high" is to say what women want to hear. You might also want to remember that he went on many dates before you. While it's really possible that he really feels like he found the "one," but it's also possible that he has simply been chasing the "high" of the early stage of dating.

 

You know yourself the best, and you know what you want right now. Good luck!

 

P.S. I think D-Lish's thread (I think it's called "Falling too hard too fast. Good or Bad?") would be a good read for people who are in the early stages of dating. There is a diverse set of opinions on what to make of early declaration of love. Give it a try!

Edited August 22, 2014 by 54JA
Forgot to include something

[Gloria25]

I think too many people throw the "ILY" when all it is that they are experiencing is a heightened state of arousal (hornies, lust) or emotion (having great times).

 

Love is deep for me...Love means someone adores and respects you. You can't just know "love" for someone in a month of knowing them...In a month you know NOTHING about each other.

 

I say to proceed with caution...Look to see if he throws around the ILY cuz he's clueless about what it really means OR worst, if he is an insecure, flighty, and controlling person.

[Assasda]

I think its a coward move he pulled because he knew you wanted to hear it.

 

Lol 1 month. Be very weary OP

[BluEyeL]

I agree with the above. I'm glad you're happy, but be very careful, one month is too early for the ILY, ESPECIALLY if this guy dated a lot but didn't have long term relationships.

 

I dated someone like this a year ago, someone with no long term relationship history at 44. He said ILY after 1 month, and I knew it wasn't true. It couldn't have been true. I didn't say it back, although I really liked him, I knew I didn't "love" him yet. He promptly and out of the blue dumped me after dating me 3.5 months citing the 1h distance between us (which was there from the beginning, so BS). Good thing I didn't get carried away, and multiple lessons learned from that relationship. Proceed with cautious optimism.

[triniechu]

I think he said it the way he did because he was scared to "spoil" what we have. He knew it was too soon to say "I love you." I do feel the same way and starting to fall for him. But I am definitely proceeding with caution ladies and gents. I am embracing what we have, I feel what we have is very genuine and real. I can see it in his eyes and all the things he does for me. Just his actions show me so much of how he feels for me.

 

Even thought I am putting myself out there, I still need to be careful just incase. I mean my ex did the same thing...we were together for 2 1/2 years..did a total 360 and said he only loves me as a friend. So of course, i'm a bit scared. But we'll see what happens. So far, so good though!

[Supernatural]

I think too many people throw the "ILY" when all it is that they are experiencing is a heightened state of arousal (hornies, lust) or emotion (having great times).

 

Love is deep for me...Love means someone adores and respects you. You can't just know "love" for someone in a month of knowing them...In a month you know NOTHING about each other.

 

This.^

 

You just got out of a long-term, and jumped in to a new one, dated for a month and are now in love? That word is just being thrown around after a month? ...What..? A month and you're in love? After coming out of a previous loving relationship?

 

ILY is thrown around way too much, and too soon. People just say ILY when they don't know how to really express themselves. It's general. Like a hallmark card.

 

I know I love someone through action and their actions to me.

 

'I Love You' shouldn't come until AFTER the honeymoon phase, in my opinion. Every thing before 3-6 months is emotion and a whirlwind of lust and randomness.

 

 

*EDIT: I love my new job... Will I say that in 6 months? Or am I just glad be gettin' paid again and having a life? Hmmm

Edited August 27, 2014 by Supernatural

[preraph]

As long as he didn't say it in bed, at least it's a sign he's sincere. I had one say it to me in bed one time and then take it back -- just like that episode of The Nanny.

[Supernatural]

As long as he didn't say it in bed, at least it's a sign he's sincere. I had one say it to me in bed one time and then take it back -- just like that episode of The Nanny.

 

Every time I see you post, I have to listen to "Dreams".

[triniechu]

As long as he didn't say it in bed, at least it's a sign he's sincere. I had one say it to me in bed one time and then take it back -- just like that episode of The Nanny.

 

Oh no way, we haven't even had sex yet. I told him in the beginning a few months ago that I'm not ready for that yet. You think it's bad I told him that?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think he said it the way he did because he was scared to "spoil" what we have. He knew it was too soon to say "I love you." I do feel the same way and starting to fall for him. But I am definitely proceeding with caution ladies and gents. I am embracing what we have, I feel what we have is very genuine and real. I can see it in his eyes and all the things he does for me. Just his actions show me so much of how he feels for me.

 

Even thought I am putting myself out there, I still need to be careful just incase. I mean my ex did the same thing...we were together for 2 1/2 years..did a total 360 and said he only loves me as a friend. So of course, i'm a bit scared. But we'll see what happens. So far, so good though!

 

It's supposed to feel genuine and real, but it doesn't mean it's something that's going to be permanent...especially after just one month.

 

Look, it's relatively normal for people to throw around words and emotions within a very short amount of time because everything is just "wonderful" in the beginning or at least seems that way...and anyone can be anything they want within a month, including this guy...you have no idea how genuine he really is, you guys are on the fast track and that typically leads to bad news in the future because that means he's more reactive than takes his decisions and what he says seriously...but of course, women would like to believe that they're just the right one that changes it all...in reality it doesn't really work that way, it's the guy instigating it, or girl even, but it's a socially accepted excuse/reason.

 

I'm sure there's plenty of guys around the world this exact minute doing the exact same thing as this guy and a girl in your exact shoes wondering if it's "real"...so yes, of course you'd be more than wise to be careful about taking things to heart so early on (but women usually say they're going to just be "careful" which translates into mostly absolutely nothing, to be honest and frank) but when you're young especially, you want to believe in the magic easily and all of that and once in a great while out of those "romances: one of them will be something significant, even if it doesn't stay that way forever...It feels good for sure, but if you were experienced you'd know better than to let those feelings get the best of you just yet..if this was your fourth or fifth experience you might be quite a bit more skeptical, but it's only your second.

 

As long as you don't make any rash decisions though, time will tell in itself and you'll figure out the truth...but you thinking you can see it in "his eyes" and all the things he "does for you"...that carries no weight right now...it's one month, just one month.

 

I'd also be really careful about what this guy is telling you, he's going to say anything to make you feel "special"...if he's got a history of not having relationships, well...chances are it has nothing to do with the women but mostly to do with him, so it's likely something like this is going to "pop" up in the future...so keep an eye out on that, it's a very common pattern.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Oh no way, we haven't even had sex yet. I told him in the beginning a few months ago that I'm not ready for that yet. You think it's bad I told him that?

 

I think that'll make him more assertive in his behavior, doing more to impress you and win you over...he'll be on his best behavior to build that trust, it's like a shiny prize at the end of the race.

 

If he's not just trying to get into your pants, then he'll take his time getting to know you first.

[preraph]

Oh no way, we haven't even had sex yet. I told him in the beginning a few months ago that I'm not ready for that yet. You think it's bad I told him that?

 

Nope, not if you're not ready. Just enjoy it.

[Diezel]

Oh no way, we haven't even had sex yet. I told him in the beginning a few months ago that I'm not ready for that yet. You think it's bad I told him that?

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now everything makes a LOT more sense.

Do you think you are ready now that he said that he thinks that he loves you?

 

Also, if you do a 360, you end up back where you started.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Can I ask how old you are? If you're under 20, this is understandable. If you're past college I would be very, very wary of someone who said that so early, especially when you haven't had sex. This could be a manipulative tactic.

[triniechu]

I think that'll make him more assertive in his behavior, doing more to impress you and win you over...he'll be on his best behavior to build that trust, it's like a shiny prize at the end of the race.

 

If he's not just trying to get into your pants, then he'll take his time getting to know you first.

 

And this is what I am seeing every time we are together. I made him wait a month before we even made it official. He knew I was testing him and getting to know him. After we made it official, he is still trying to impress me now. He respects me very much and he knows i'm we are still building that trust. We have messed around, but just kissing and touching but nothing more than that. He always asks me if I feel uncomfortable and if I do he respects it and we stop.

[triniechu]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now everything makes a LOT more sense.

Do you think you are ready now that he said that he thinks that he loves you?

 

Also, if you do a 360, you end up back where you started.

 

I think I am ready. It's just that our work schedules actually conflict. So we always make time to see each other, meet each others friends and family, hang out and even still get to know each other. But we've been so busy doing activities together with our friends, that we actually haven't had that alone time yet. I'm not rushing it at all. I feel that if we wanted sex, he would've been pressuring me...which he hasn't even done at all.

[triniechu]

Can I ask how old you are? If you're under 20, this is understandable. If you're past college I would be very, very wary of someone who said that so early, especially when you haven't had sex. This could be a manipulative tactic.

 

I totally understand what you're trying to say. No i am not under 20. I feel you don't have to say "I love you" if you haven't had sex yet. I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for years and they've loved each other for a very long time. They didn't have sex until they got married. I feel it's different for everyone.

[preraph]

Just in case it was a ploy to see if that's what you were waiting for, just wait to be sure his actions match his words. If he does love you, he will be wanting to make you happy and secure and will be protective and helpful. I still get a pretty good feeling about it, though.

[Ninjainpajamas]

And this is what I am seeing every time we are together. I made him wait a month before we even made it official. He knew I was testing him and getting to know him. After we made it official, he is still trying to impress me now. He respects me very much and he knows i'm we are still building that trust. We have messed around, but just kissing and touching but nothing more than that. He always asks me if I feel uncomfortable and if I do he respects it and we stop.

 

Yes, but what I was saying was not to be taken in a positive way.

 

The dynamic of your relationship is kind of like the carrot on the stick, the faster he runs the closer he feels to the carrot. Nearly everyone will see this in a different perspective when they hear you haven't had sex yet with this guy yet...because it makes sense for guys to act like this with a girl who's not putting out easily and raising the bar for him.

 

He's trying to "prove" and "earn" your trust whether he's a good guy who's genuine or just a guy biding his time is the question, but he's expected to be overzealous in this situation because with another girl he would never NEED to do all this, and you guys are still getting hot and heavy at times and that's keeping him keen.

 

Of course he's going to come off respectful, so that you do trust him...trust him enough to have sex with him, because even a guy with bad motives is still going to go about this in the exact same way, but he's not going to show he's just a bad guy...he's going to do, say and treat you in all the right ways because he's taking his time getting through to you emotionally and psychologically first...you've got him playing in your competition and he's keen on winning.

 

So it doesn't really matter how he reacts in this moment, he hasn't had sex with you yet, that's a huge motivator for guys...and anything he does out of line could completely jeopardize that opportunity, and since he's invested in you already, made you his GF, dropped the ILY bomb, what do YOU think he's thinking about next or trying to get at? yep, that vagina of yours.

 

I'm not trying to ruin your day here, I'm just letting you know the very real reality of many men, and women men read it all wrong, their intentions, they think they can judge their character quickly, their quality, just by what they experience within that initial love stage...but you don't know a guy the guy that well, you guys could be intimate and he could be gone.

 

So what I'm saying is when you use sex as a bargaining chip for commitment, at times it can backfire...because it may not get you what you want. If you're a girl that wants to wait for sex, then that's fine...but keep it out of the bedroom...don't "tease" him by doing this other things, because that's like letting a dog sniff a bone but not take a bite out of it....that dog would day any damn thing to take a bite after that, so you need to establish these other qualities and relationship BEFORE you take it to the sexual arena at all.

 

Right now, with the way this sounds...it sounds like the typical casanova just trying to get through those pearly gates, because his behavior is revealing that in the steps he's taking.

 

"I feel that if we wanted sex, he would've been pressuring me...which he hasn't even done at all."

 

They're not all idiots.

[triniechu]

Just in case it was a ploy to see if that's what you were waiting for, just wait to be sure his actions match his words. If he does love you, he will be wanting to make you happy and secure and will be protective and helpful. I still get a pretty good feeling about it, though.

 

Oh yes, most definitely! We are in relationship but its still very new, and we are both taking our time. Especially with sex, I know if he really means what he says, i know for sure he will wait and not pressure me. Thats exactly how he is right now, always wanting to make me happy

[triniechu]

Yes, but what I was saying was not to be taken in a positive way.

 

The dynamic of your relationship is kind of like the carrot on the stick, the faster he runs the closer he feels to the carrot. Nearly everyone will see this in a different perspective when they hear you haven't had sex yet with this guy yet...because it makes sense for guys to act like this with a girl who's not putting out easily and raising the bar for him.

 

He's trying to "prove" and "earn" your trust whether he's a good guy who's genuine or just a guy biding his time is the question, but he's expected to be overzealous in this situation because with another girl he would never NEED to do all this, and you guys are still getting hot and heavy at times and that's keeping him keen.

 

Of course he's going to come off respectful, so that you do trust him...trust him enough to have sex with him, because even a guy with bad motives is still going to go about this in the exact same way, but he's not going to show he's just a bad guy...he's going to do, say and treat you in all the right ways because he's taking his time getting through to you emotionally and psychologically first...you've got him playing in your competition and he's keen on winning.

 

So it doesn't really matter how he reacts in this moment, he hasn't had sex with you yet, that's a huge motivator for guys...and anything he does out of line could completely jeopardize that opportunity, and since he's invested in you already, made you his GF, dropped the ILY bomb, what do YOU think he's thinking about next or trying to get at? yep, that vagina of yours.

 

I'm not trying to ruin your day here, I'm just letting you know the very real reality of many men, and women men read it all wrong, their intentions, they think they can judge their character quickly, their quality, just by what they experience within that initial love stage...but you don't know a guy the guy that well, you guys could be intimate and he could be gone.

 

So what I'm saying is when you use sex as a bargaining chip for commitment, at times it can backfire...because it may not get you what you want. If you're a girl that wants to wait for sex, then that's fine...but keep it out of the bedroom...don't "tease" him by doing this other things, because that's like letting a dog sniff a bone but not take a bite out of it....that dog would day any damn thing to take a bite after that, so you need to establish these other qualities and relationship BEFORE you take it to the sexual arena at all.

 

Right now, with the way this sounds...it sounds like the typical casanova just trying to get through those pearly gates, because his behavior is revealing that in the steps he's taking.

 

"I feel that if we wanted sex, he would've been pressuring me...which he hasn't even done at all."

 

They're not all idiots.

 

Oh nooo...you haven't ruined my day at all. I really appreciate all the advice you are telling me and seeing this in your point of view. I totally understand what you are saying. I mean I've had it the other way as well....my ex and i fell in love in a matter of months..we said I love you a month into our relationship and we even had sex before that as well. Our relationship lasted for about 2 and a half years. Then, he changed hi mind, said he didn't love me and loved me more as a friend. I was devastated and all the promises he made.

 

This time around I'm doing things differently as well. Im not rushing into sex, marriage and having kids. Ultimately, thats what I want. But I'm taking my time and still learning about the way men think and their actions. Being cautious as well but at the same time enjoying what life has brought me. Love is gamble and it goes either way and we never know what will happen. Did i know my ex was going to end it? NOPE because the week before he ended it with me he said I WAS THE ONE HE WANTED TO HAVE A FUTURE WITH. I mean no one saw it coming, all our friends and family thought we were happy and so did I. I learned to accept it and move on. You just never know anymore what turns and twists come along in life. So like I said, I'm taking my time with this relationship, being positive and hoping something amazing comes out of it. If it doesn't then I just have to keep moving forward right?

[Diezel]

Can I ask how old you are? If you're under 20, this is understandable. If you're past college I would be very, very wary of someone who said that so early, especially when you haven't had sex. This could be a manipulative tactic.

 

I see we are on the same page.

 

This is exactly what I thought. He is pulling out all the stops to try to get her into bed. I'm sorry, but the "L" word NOR exclusivity is dropping in just a month.

 

SPECIALLY not if intimacy hasn't been achieved.

 

Something isn't right about this situation and as a man of many years of experience, I'll tell you right now, be careful OP.

 

If you aren't ready to have sex with someone, maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship at all. This might cut deeper eventually if you do wait longer and then he bolts as soon as he gets it. Making him wait longer for sex doesn't necessarily mean he is actually going to stick around.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Oh nooo...you haven't ruined my day at all. I really appreciate all the advice you are telling me and seeing this in your point of view. I totally understand what you are saying. I mean I've had it the other way as well....my ex and i fell in love in a matter of months..we said I love you a month into our relationship and we even had sex before that as well. Our relationship lasted for about 2 and a half years. Then, he changed hi mind, said he didn't love me and loved me more as a friend. I was devastated and all the promises he made.

 

This time around I'm doing things differently as well. Im not rushing into sex, marriage and having kids. Ultimately, thats what I want. But I'm taking my time and still learning about the way men think and their actions. Being cautious as well but at the same time enjoying what life has brought me. Love is gamble and it goes either way and we never know what will happen. Did i know my ex was going to end it? NOPE because the week before he ended it with me he said I WAS THE ONE HE WANTED TO HAVE A FUTURE WITH. I mean no one saw it coming, all our friends and family thought we were happy and so did I. I learned to accept it and move on. You just never know anymore what turns and twists come along in life. So like I said, I'm taking my time with this relationship, being positive and hoping something amazing comes out of it. If it doesn't then I just have to keep moving forward right?

 

The thing about your ex is it doesn't sound to me like he changed his mind because men just don't up and do that, he very likely never felt that way to begin with because you don't fall "in love" with someone then see them as a friend 2 and a half years later just because...a lot of guys simply want to swoon a woman over for the ego boost and because it's thrilling and fulfilling at the time, but once they search their true feelings they realize there was no substance or meaning behind those words, promises and even actions that you interpreted as reassuring...guys that make too much of an effort and flaunt too much and seem like too good to be true often are, they're not being genuine and sincere, they're just playing the right cords like strings on a guitar...but when your ex had enough and wanted out of the relationship he just simply dropped the bomb. No guy is ever going to admit to you it was all just load of BS, they're going to make excuses and justify themselves so that they can live with themselves without guilt (if they even feel guilt) and you get to wonder what went wrong and figure out their reasons they gave you when they're not even the real ones. And if there a pattern in the type of guys you like, you've got to be careful...because even though women think they're dating completely different and unique men, they often from are clearly dating a certain type, so that's your first red flag because this guy sounds eerily familiar.

 

You seem like a nice girl and probably the hopeless romantic type, that makes you pretty vulnerable if you're the type to always want to think the best of people and see the positive and wish for the best that something amazing is happening...a lot of girls out there like you put their hearts on the line trusting guys and then end up really burned because it took them time to get there...and once you open your heart up like that and if you let one guy stab it in a big way or several, it's really hard to open back up in the future, so protect yourself because you may not get a second chance to do that or it'll take you years to be able to do it again because each time it gets harder...right now you're still open and trusting, but IF this guy does burn you, it's going to get you pretty bad, especially if you listen and take to heart everything he says and does.

 

Yes, people seem to have different situations and things happen, but there's often a pattern people don't recognize...and if you are not experienced and able to detect them yourself, you're going to make improper judgments and assessments analyzing their relationships. But women are notorious for being horrible at that, I know women twice your age that are still in your shoes now, still not really learning from those experiences even though their situations and the men in them are nearly identical...but each and every time they don't see it coming, so it's a good thing you don't sound that vulnerable...I don't see that happening with you, but you can get burned and scarred because if you're waiting and building this all up emotionally, establishing all this trust and faith, and this guy happens to be the type that's just selfish and after his own thing, then he's really really going to hurt you, that's when the situation backfires, because you do everything you do to trust and establish a relationship before that intimacy because of how YOU feel and think, you feel like everything is great and good and then the guy pulls the rug from underneath your feet, leaving you spinning out in outer space wondering what happened.

 

It's ok to experience these strong emotions and feelings just be smart and put them into context, it's ok to be expressive and enjoy these moments...but realize they can be just and in the moment kind of thing, don't open your heart up all the way because that's what you ultimately want to do, because you want to believe and trust him...instead resist the urge and give it time. One month is not a lot of time, neither is two and that's speaking from experience..look for more genuine and sincere gestures...forget the restaurants/events, the sweet things, and all of that...enjoy those things, but don't put so much value on those things because those are easy tickets for men to buy, that's not the hard part with men.

 

Get to know the guy, get to know the real person, instead of interpreting behavior which you will fail at guaranteed as a woman unless you're some miracle child, get him to tell you what it means to him, don't fill in all the blanks alone and don't make it obvious either, find out how he really feels when he's not just answering a question on auto-pilot. Find out about who he is and what's he's about, what his dating history and love life is like because that usually says it all nearly but found out where he is now emotionally, because if he's tied up on an ex or has some other hang-up, watch out...figure out his values, because anything guys offer you on a silver platter is exactly what they want you to see, so look beyond those things, the gestures, the sweet talk, the nice things...and a lot of that just simply takes time.

 

It's good that you hold off on sex but you're also putting a shiny bow on it for this guy and that's dangerous, that will filter out at least some guys right off the bat who don't want to wait around for sex but some guys are after your heart and your vagina. And a lot of guys will still pursue you and do nearly whatever it takes to get in your pants, it doesn't matter if they have to go into a relationship...so what, your ex walked away from that after 2.5 years, other men walk away much easier.

 

Anyway, this is more than I expected to write for now and ultimately I don't know how much this info will help you but maybe it'll give you some things to think about...to be fair a lot of women have trouble controlling what their heart is telling them after a certain point, regardless of what they know...it's almost like this craving they have, and the more they try and resist the harder it becomes until it just all collapses in one big event. But if you at least, hold back and reserve whatever you can, at least a section of your heart, maybe even save that for marriage or at least for further down the road...because it could really save you, just remember whatever you give out cannot necessarily be gotten back, so be careful who you love and do what you can to make sure they deserve it, nobody's perfect and love is a risk but that's not a reason to just throw it all away for the first or second thing that feels right...time will always tell, and you definitely need more of it right now.