New to the dating scene after divorce.

[2005tahoe]

Ok, so my divorce is finally over. I can move on with my life and find someone to be happy with. Recently I added a mutual friend on facebook about 2 months ago. I sent her a message and we began talking and texting each other. The usual "get to know you" stuff. After a few weeks after talking to her I asked if she would like to meet up at a local coffee restaurant. She agreed to meet up but was in the process of moving into an apartment.

 

She is a student at a local college and has classes and works part time. She has liked some of my post on facebook and sent me a few text over the past few days. We talked about meeting up this weekend but said that she may have a birthday party to go to and would know something by Thursday, that was yesterday and I havent heard anything from her.

 

The texting has slowed down a little bit but I know that she has a full plate right now. All I can think about is her, I know that I need to slow down and not get anxious so I have slowed down on the texting. I did send her a "good morning" message yesterday morning and she replied with a "Thanks, you too!!" and havent heard from her since.

 

I do have interest in her and want to get to know her but I dont want to annoy her with text about meeting up Saturday night. She has only iniatated text once since we have been talking.

 

I guess I am just confused on all of this. I dont want her thinking that I have lost interest in her with not texting or talking as much. On the other hand I dont want to annoy her to where she thinks im needy....

 

Help, LS family!!!!

[carhill]

You asked her to meet up. Nothing has firmed up so far. That's OK. Check back again when you and she happen to have contact. In the meantime, meet and greet other women. A lady who wants to meet up and does meet up, well, she gets the worm. The others, well, they miss out.

[Gaeta]

My advice to you.

 

Don't waste time online. Chatting for weeks is a royal waste of time. The real connection is tested face to face. You THINK you are connecting online but in real when you meet her you can experience a big blah so all that time and energy invested before a meet is a waste.

 

You are newly free, you need to play the field a little, meet different women, experience different people, don't put all your eggs in the same basket just yet.

[ktya]

You my man are getting "one-girl-itus" which is a death knell for dating.

 

Keep approaching other women through a variety of methods and setting up dates. Keep at least 3 on the go until you find something solid.

 

Dont "need yourself out" by hyperfocusing on one girl with whom you havent even kissed let alone started any kind of a relationship with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your prime for a rebound relationship because you're just out of a divorce and anything right now would be a better and more fulfilling experience compared to where you were emotionally and mentally before...everything is going to have a magnified impact of you because of that, so the biggest thing for you to avoid Romeo is getting stuck on a Juliet you come across and then getting yourself deeper than you really are emotionally ready for.

 

Date around, not investing too much time into one thing, learn to live life alone and for yourself again...instead of trying to convince yourself it's something special and all that crap when you don't even know the person...take everything lightly, be aggressive, fall on your face a few times, learn from your mistakes...you've got to kind of shake off the cobwebs of getting back out in the dating world...just don't get all sucked into the next best thing, because it'll be real easy for you to end up in a relationship because of those initial whirlwind emotions that so many think will go the distance...stay out of it, keep your head on straight and just re-calibrate a bit, don't waste or invest a lot of your time, focus or concentration into one woman.

 

At the state you are in, be aggressive and bold when it comes to engaging women...even if you end up looking or feeling stupid and embarrassed, don't sit there and calculate the speed of the stars and all that crap, just do it and stop building up this fantasy, be direct and crush those fears and anxieties, get them out of the way...and ultimately get your answer. Learn how to go about things next time in a better/different way, learn to control those puppy love emotions and stop over-thinking a situation that has no history, you need the history and experience first to make any judgments...otherwise it's just your own mind playing tricks on you.

[amaysngrace]

What do you mean "a mutual friend"?

 

Of yours and your exW?

 

Bad bad idea.

 

Not too many people are going to want to be stuck in the middle of that and feeling like they have to take sides.

 

Isn't there anybody else you can date?

[preraph]

First of all, you're newly divorced. I think the best choice for you right now would be to get used to being on your own for a year. You sound like you're desperate for companionship and you really need to get to where you're not before you seek companionship. You need to decompress and discover yourself again, find out how different you are now once it's just you compared to before you met your wife. Learn what you can learn from it. Assure yourself you'd be fine on your own if the situation called for it, rather than grabbing the nearest female, who could be not the best choice, and fretting over her way before it's merited.

[Mrin]

You my man are getting "one-girl-itus" which is a death knell for dating.

 

Keep approaching other women through a variety of methods and setting up dates. Keep at least 3 on the go until you find something solid.

 

Dont "need yourself out" by hyperfocusing on one girl with whom you havent even kissed let alone started any kind of a relationship with.

 

This. And what others said. Best thing you can do. For me a friend hit on me 7 days after my ex had asked me for a divorce. We were drowning my sorrows and somewhere around 2am I found her in my lap making out like teenagers. Now, mind you, she wasn't just some woman. She was great and someone I had fancied for many years (but was married so it was always a "if I wasn't married" sort of fancy). Smart. Beautiful. Confident. Honestly, perfect LTR material.

 

Instead of just shaking our heads out the next day and saying "well that was fun", we tried dating. Like exclusively. Let's just say it didn't go well as I was in NO condition to be dating anyone exclusively. I had no context. No frame of reference, except for what it was like to be in a marriage. It lasted a few months and then we decided to calm it down and even today we remain good friends. We laugh about our "fling" every time we get together.

 

I have to say though - I wished I had "saved her" for a year later when I actually had my head screwed on straight. You might want to consider that with your friend you mentioned. I can guarantee you one thing - if you start dating her now, it won't end up well.

 

Some people will say you shouldn't date for a period of time - someone said a year above. I think it is different for different people. Men are usually better at jumping back in the fray. But for Pete's sake - do NOT get into anything serious. Date around. Date lots of women. Go out with women you wouldn't normally consider. Have fun. Learn what it is like to date again. Eventually you'll get your head back together and figure it all out. But for now, have fun and don't take yourself or anyone else too seriously.

[ktya]

Some people will say you shouldn't date for a period of time - someone said a year above. I think it is different for different people. Men are usually better at jumping back in the fray. But for Pete's sake - do NOT get into anything serious. Date around. Date lots of women. Go out with women you wouldn't normally consider. Have fun. Learn what it is like to date again. Eventually you'll get your head back together and figure it all out. But for now, have fun and don't take yourself or anyone else too seriously.

 

Totally. I am firmly in disagreement with the "dont date for a period of time" camp.

 

I say start dating right away, date like a champ multi-date get lots of girls on the go. Be honest and everything, dont play them out like they're the only one, look for girls who are into something more casual. Be upfront about it, say thats what your looking for on the first date. You'd be surprised how many women go for it, I've only had one out of 14 not like the idea in the past 9 months.

 

I have a saying now after my 17 years of failed serious relationships (lasting in range from 10 years to 6 months) that I wish I had adopted a long time ago.

 

"Until you have 10 you wont know when"

 

Meaning date 10 girls or more. If you meet that special someone and your willing to drop the other 9 girls for her, then she probably is that special someone.

 

Avoid "one-girl-itus" like the plague. When you meet the right girl, you'll know. But for now stack em and rack em. Just be honest. Dont listen to people who say thats dishonest or gross. Many women are seeing multiple people too. It increases your odds of meeting the right one exponentially.

[2005tahoe]

Wow, lots of great advice!! I have been legally separated for 14 months. I have taken time to find out new stuff about me. Actually she was a suggested friend, through people you may know. I did start dating around the 8th month of my separation and ben on a few dates. Here in SC you have to be legally separated a year before you can file for divorce, I filed on day 366.

 

I guess im so anxious to talk to her and see her. Like most of you have said, i have "girlitis"

 

I have learned in the past that the more I text/call the more they dont. I just dont want her to lose interest and say "well, I guess he wasnt interested" Out of 6 dated I got that from one which leads me to ask, "How much is too much?"

 

We do have a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow night, im nervous as crap too.

[Mrin]

Wow, lots of great advice!! I have been legally separated for 14 months. I have taken time to find out new stuff about me. Actually she was a suggested friend, through people you may know. I did start dating around the 8th month of my separation and ben on a few dates. Here in SC you have to be legally separated a year before you can file for divorce, I filed on day 366.

 

I guess im so anxious to talk to her and see her. Like most of you have said, i have "girlitis"

 

I have learned in the past that the more I text/call the more they dont. I just dont want her to lose interest and say "well, I guess he wasnt interested" Out of 6 dated I got that from one which leads me to ask, "How much is too much?"

 

We do have a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow night, im nervous as crap too.

 

So here's my thing on this. You can do the play it cool thing. But like ktya just said, be honest and upfront. What i've found works the best is to be a grown assed man about it. Be upfront. When you communicate, really communicate. None of this mindless text chatter where both parties are reading between the lines. Let them know if you're interested and to what degree. Some women might not like this but the ones worth dating, even if totally casual, will respond well to it.

 

edit: not sure how long you were married but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how frank and upfront women are compared to before marriage. Sounds like you've broken the rust off a little bit. Now it is time to do it for reals bro.

[ktya]

Wow, lots of great advice!! I have been legally separated for 14 months. I have taken time to find out new stuff about me. Actually she was a suggested friend, through people you may know. I did start dating around the 8th month of my separation and ben on a few dates. Here in SC you have to be legally separated a year before you can file for divorce, I filed on day 366.

 

I guess im so anxious to talk to her and see her. Like most of you have said, i have "girlitis"

 

I have learned in the past that the more I text/call the more they dont. I just dont want her to lose interest and say "well, I guess he wasnt interested" Out of 6 dated I got that from one which leads me to ask, "How much is too much?"

 

We do have a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow night, im nervous as crap too.

 

Haha yeah boii. First dates are nerve wracking until you get in the groove. But it usually works in your favor, if your like ice cool they read it like your a player.

 

Go out to a bar and hit on a few randoms hard and try to get their number before your coffee date. Like hot hot girls that you wouldn't even think you'd have a chance with. Get the fear of rejection out of the way. Don't worry if you don't succeed just make the ask. Hey you might even get a number.

 

It will take the edge off for your date. You don't have time to get another 2 girls on the go before your date so that's the next best thing. I have a buddy who's a master pick up artist and that's what he does. He cold approaches the hottest girl in the club only to get shot down on purpose, because once he's been rejected once the next one doesn't matter. And he picks up loads of girls his phone is like full of numbers.

 

Good luck. Oh and don't take that advice about jerking it before your date. You want all the testosterone you can get.

 

Good luck bro!

[2005tahoe]

Ok, we were going to meet this past saturday night for coffee but she was still in the process of moving and she told me that she didnt look her best and had some kind of skin reaction on her face, I tried to convince her that it was ok and i would still like to meet but we decided to postpone it until this friday. We didnt get to talk last night but Sunday night we just texted each other goodnight and left it at that. Monday morning I sent her a good morning text and she responded and that was all for yesterday. I dont know if she got busy but we usually text everyday. This morning I sent her a good morning text and she quickly responded and I told her that I would text her after our managers meeting tonight. I know that she is in college fulltime and that she has class today.

 

I dont know what steps to take now. We have yet to call each other but I would love to hear her voice. I havent gotten a response back from the text yet and as bad as it sounds I start to worry, if im being needy. I dont want to be that guy but I dont want to lose her interest. I dont want her to think if I dont text or call her then im not interested. It seems like if I dont hear from her in a day or so then I assume that shes mad or has no interest but she usually responds to my text and I have mentioned interest in her.

 

I just dont want to blow this opportunity with her. I have already texted or called 2 girls too much and scared them off. How do I keep her interest but not seem needy or too available? For some reason she is sticking out to me, shes always on my mind and im having a hard time focusing on things that I need to be. Its a strange feeling.

 

Edited August 26, 2014 by 2005tahoe

[CarrieT]

I dont want her to think if I dont text or call her then im not interested. It seems like if I dont hear from her in a day or so then I assume that shes mad or has no interest but she usually responds to my text and I have mentioned interest in her.

 

This is the critical point: You are projecting and assuming when you don't even know the girl.

 

You have been having daily contact and that is just fine at this point. You have a tentative date for Friday so just keeping to the once-a-day texting is adequate and does not go too overboard.

 

On Wednesday, you could text that you would like to actually TALK to her about confirming some plans for Friday.

[2005tahoe]

This is the critical point: You are projecting and assuming when you don't even know the girl.

 

You have been having daily contact and that is just fine at this point. You have a tentative date for Friday so just keeping to the once-a-day texting is adequate and does not go too overboard.

 

On Wednesday, you could text that you would like to actually TALK to her about confirming some plans for Friday.

 

 

I know, I need to stop looking at everything in a negative way or it will just ruin it. There has only been 2 times where she iniated a text, once to tell me to enjoy a movie that I rented and posted on FB and one to appologize for not answering a text from the night before when she fell asleep. I just dont want her to lose interest.

 

I do know that she loves baseball and I recently received tickets to the Braves in September and thought about asking her to go but kinda hesistant since we havent officially met yet. We have talked for about a month though.

Edited August 26, 2014 by 2005tahoe

[2005tahoe]

Ok, So we have scheduled a date for today. I havent talked or texted her since Friday. O know that she had a birthday party to go to last night and I sent her a text saying have a good time. She responded about 3 hours later saying thanks and that she had a good time. I sent her a message about an hour after that saying that I fell asleep and I didnt see her message and that hopefully we can talk later.

 

That was about 12 hours ago. I dont know whether to reach out and confirm our date or wait to see if she does. I dont want to annoy her but I like to have things planned out.

 

What do I do?

[carhill]

What do I do?

 

Show up.....

[2005tahoe]

Had an amazing first date!! I took her to a very nice steakhouse and we went to a movie of her choice afterwards. Never an awkward moment until she broke a strap on her shoe. Had alot of discussion about family and nothing about ex's. At the end of the night I asked if I could see her again and she said yes, no kiss but she did give me a long hug.

 

Finally an amazing date!!!