Skeletons in the closet that sent you running

[Dork Vader]

I'd love to hear stories about skeletons kn the closet.. You've met what seems to be a great person. Things are going well and some how you find out they have some major baggage.

 

When I was 21 I met an amazing woman. She was 28 and had been in the USA for 12 years. Dating was starting to get serious after 4 months or so. Then one night she starts crying as I was dropping her off. I'm caught off gaurd as I had no idea where this was coming from. She then goes on to tell me she had over $75,000 of credit card debt! I asked what it was from she said shopping and having fun.. That was the end of that relationship. In my mind it was a HUGE red flag. It screamed that she was impulsive, careless and not someone I could a stable financial future with.

 

So what are your stories?

[Gaeta]

I had started casually dating this man and he told me early that he was a recovering cocaine and alcohol addict. He was 2 years clean. He also told me how he burnt his mother's heritage in drugs. It scared the hell out of me and 2 years clean was not long enough for me to accept this past. If he had been clean + 5 years it might have been different.

[Mrin]

Didn't completely send me running but was a big contributing factor to how I viewed our relationship: Her teenage son was accused by her teenage daughter of molestation. He admitted it. It had happened 4 - 5 years ago when they were both pre-teen or younger and the actual allegations weren't terrible or as terrible as they could have been (inappropriate touching, asking for inappropriate touching). But it also brought to light some pretty hardcore molestation between the woman and her father when she was a girl.

 

Obviously, none of this was her fault but as the father of two pre-teen daughters, I discovered just how strongly I feel about protecting them. I realized there would be no way I could in good conscience allow her son into their lives. And I had real reservations about whether the family could ever play a role in my life. I mean, how do you be civil to the father of your GF when you knew he repeatedly raped her as a child? From that point on, I realized that the most we could ever have would be what we had at the moment.

 

That, combined with some other things I didn't like about the relationship or her essentially did it in for me.

[preraph]

I haven't gotten caught up in a relationship and then found out something that bad. Probably because I'm nosy right up front about stuff. Finding out someone has been violent in the past is something that will make me run unless they're in recovery or something. Big money problems like that would make me run, even though I'm really not mercenary or trying to get their money.

 

It's little things that have made me stop seeing someone. One guy told me he hit a car and didn't stay at the scene. I stopped seeing him immediately. He didn't seem ashamed or anything or have any intentions of making it right. I quit seeing a longer term guy who had become more of a friend for failing to properly care for his guinae pigs and letting them live in filth and losing interest in them. Animal abuse or neglect is always an instant dealbreaker to me.

[Dork Vader]

The drugs is a deal breaker for me. But I typically find that out with in the first 2-3 dates. You can tell if they do that kind of thing.

 

 

If they are clean it depends how long they have been clean an what drugs they were on.

 

 

I did have one date about 2 weeks in ask me what my thoughts were on being in an open relationship. Uh no thanks!

 

 

Met a woman at a bar she was very cute. After talking on the phone a few times she asked me if I wanted to do something on a specific day. I had an appointment with my therapist (I'm OCD). Told her and she said that's cool I see one too.. I asked why... It was court ordered anger management. She admitted to beating up her ex and taking a baseball bat to his car. NO THANK YOU.

[Keenly]

One girl told me on the first date that she used to be addicted to ecstasy. I was kind of like....... Really? Of all the drugs... you got addicted to one that's not really known for being addictive?

 

 

Apparently it was so bad that she was living out of her car for a while. No thanks.

[carhill]

Nothing over the decades has really surprised me but one skeleton I've never abided is illegal substance abuse, in general, or other discovered continuing illegal acts. Also, legal addictions. Alcohol has been the most common, in women I've known and dated.

 

A less clear-cut skeleton, historically, has been 'bad' family history, with 'bad' being the tone of the person's eventual revelations. Prior, I was far too empathetic and understanding for my own health. That changed. If a woman of 50+ trots out the 'my mother's a bitch' tone, I head for the exit.

[Dork Vader]

One girl told me on the first date that she used to be addicted to ecstasy. I was kind of like....... Really? Of all the drugs... you got addicted to one that's not really known for being addictive?

 

 

Apparently it was so bad that she was living out of her car for a while. No thanks.

 

The odds that she was getting pure MDMA (ectasy) are slim. Most of it is cut with other drugs such as coke, meth and others. Thus it can be highly addictive and thus it can be so easy to OD on it. Most drugs on the street are not even 50% pure. They get cut multiple times before it lands in the users hands.

 

 

Also something does not have to be chemically addicting for a person to get addicted. Plenty of compulsive gamblers out there and so on.

[Tailspin]

I dated a guy who told me I was the first woman he had slept with. AFTER we had sex and were dating for months. The lying and deceitfulness was bad, but it's a red flag when a guy is sexually inexperienced like that. Ew.

[Standard-Fare]

Didn't completely send me running but was a big contributing factor to how I viewed our relationship: Her teenage son was accused by her teenage daughter of molestation. He admitted it. It had happened 4 - 5 years ago when they were both pre-teen or younger and the actual allegations weren't terrible or as terrible as they could have been (inappropriate touching, asking for inappropriate touching). But it also brought to light some pretty hardcore molestation between the woman and her father when she was a girl.

 

Obviously, none of this was her fault but as the father of two pre-teen daughters, I discovered just how strongly I feel about protecting them. I realized there would be no way I could in good conscience allow her son into their lives. And I had real reservations about whether the family could ever play a role in my life. I mean, how do you be civil to the father of your GF when you knew he repeatedly raped her as a child? From that point on, I realized that the most we could ever have would be what we had at the moment.

 

That, combined with some other things I didn't like about the relationship or her essentially did it in for me.

 

This one was so sad. It makes me feel so awful for this woman, because it's true, it's hard for anyone to accept this when they want a serious relationship... but at the same time, these situations were beyond the woman's control and she deserves love herself. Just terrible!

[Keenly]

I dated a guy who told me I was the first woman he had slept with. AFTER we had sex and were dating for months. The lying and deceitfulness was bad, but it's a red flag when a guy is sexually inexperienced like that. Ew.

 

Is this a serious statement?

[Kid_Charlemange]

I've never had a real skeleton appear, not a deal-breaker at least.

 

One woman broke into tears on the third date, telling me she felt awful because she was "hiding something."

 

"You can tell me. What is it?"

 

"I smoke pot. I should have told you sooner."

 

I could barely contain my laughter. "That's not a problem..." I replied.

 

Friend of mine was dating this guy. They were together a couple years. Talking about moving in together, really were deeply in love. Then she found out that, maybe eight years earlier, the guy had had an affair while he was maried. The wife knew about it, and they worked it out. She died not too long after they divorced. But the woman he was dating ended it abruptly, her motto being "Once a cheater, always a cheater." To my knowledge, he never cheated on the girlfriend, or gave any indication that he was anything but completely in love with her. That struck me as strange, but our mutual friends were about split on whether she did the right thing or not.

[Dork Vader]

Is this a serious statement?

 

I can assure it is for a lot of women. When someone has not had a serious relationship after 25 or so it throws up red flags as to why? It's one thing to be a late bloomer it's entirely different to be 25+ and the light switch never came on.

 

But I think it lands more in the why has nothing happened yet. If it's religious or other legit (non bagage issues) it can be dealt with.

[Supernatural]

I can assure it is for a lot of women. When someone has not had a serious relationship after 25 or so it throws up red flags as to why? It's one thing to be a late bloomer it's entirely different to be 25+ and the light switch never came on.

 

But I think it lands more in the why has nothing happened yet. If it's religious or other legit (non bagage issues) it can be dealt with.

 

I've only had 1 serious relationship. I was 17. We dated for a year. Is this a red flag since I'm 25 now?

[iiiii]

I can assure it is for a lot of women. When someone has not had a serious relationship after 25 or so it throws up red flags as to why? It's one thing to be a late bloomer it's entirely different to be 25+ and the light switch never came on.

 

I think it can put some women off for sure, because they assume the guy would have had sex if he could have done, so they wonder why no other woman has ever found the man attractive enough to shag.

 

However, in Tailspin's story, it sounds like she'd already decided she liked the guy enough to date him (and sleep with him) for a few months - I think it is strange that his former virginity would be a deal breaker at that point, unless perhaps he had deliberately lied about it.

[Dork Vader]

I've only had 1 serious relationship. I was 17. We dated for a year. Is this a red flag since I'm 25 now?

 

Depends on the woman.. I'd say you're fine. But I know a lot of people men and women.. Who ask questions if someone is 25+ and a virgin.

 

That's not to say they will write you off. But they definitely want to know how/why it has not happened.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Dork Vader

[irc333]

I think it can put some women off for sure, because they assume the guy would have had sex if he could have done, so they wonder why no other woman has ever found the man attractive enough to shag.

 

However, in Tailspin's story, it sounds like she'd already decided she liked the guy enough to date him (and sleep with him) for a few months - I think it is strange that his former virginity would be a deal breaker at that point, unless perhaps he had deliberately lied about it.

 

Here we have people in major credit card debt and drug users as their "Skeleton" and this woman is worried about someone who hasn't had "experience" prior to the age of 25?

 

Seriously hon, get your priorities straight.

[Mascara]

I've not taken things further with a couple of men whose previous marriages ended because they had an affair. No interest in that type of man, it kills any attraction stone dead.

 

Substance abuse, I take as it comes. I became a young adult in the early 90s. Not since the 60s was there such a rave/drug culture, so I can forgive a crazy few years. It was everywhere.

[anika99]

Alimony collectors (former and current) need not apply.

 

Fiscal irresponsibility.

 

Alcoholics and illegal drugs users unless they haven't used for at least a decade.

 

Those with children who clearly have decent ex's that refused to share custody with them (when their ex wanted it).

 

If the ex is decent and wants shared custody how can the woman refuse? That's something decided by the court. If the ex doesn't get shared custody then either they didn't petition for it (meaning they didn't want it all that much) or the court decided that maybe they weren't so decent.

[Art_Critic]

When I was single many years ago...I stop dating a woman after I learned her Mother lived 30 mins away from her and had never met her preteen and teenage sons, I was like.. be damned if I was to ever have a kid with her I didn't want that kind of baggage affecting a child's life with their Grandmother.

There was more but that was the brunt of why I stopped seeing her

 

This woman looked great on paper but failed when I put her to the test.. we only dated about 2 months..

[MissBee]

With an ex of mine, I'm not even sure if it was skeletons so much as I completely shut my eyes to several red flags which only got redder and more apparent during our relationship and where as we got closer he began opening up about more and more things I found uncomfortable.

 

I'm actually quite embarrassed by him and some of it and how I somehow blinded myself to it. But they included:

 

- him telling me he had been on dating sites, before we met, specifically looking to date a transexual woman. Now I have no issues with transexual people but later on in the relationship I began to realize my ex's sexuality was unclear and his sexual behaviors were not compatible with me and this initial confession should have been the first clue.

 

- He confessed that all his female friends were former sexual partners of his

 

-He admitted that immediately before me he briefly dated a stripper

 

-He later brought up wanting to engage in a swinger's lifestyle and then some time later asked for a threesome with his ex-wife

 

The list continues....but things had to end as his sexual proclivities were far too much for me and he even alluded to doing sexual things with his bestfriend at the time, a gay guy. It hasn't been confirmed but I wouldn't be surprised, and he also later confessed to being pansexual, a term that I'd never heard at the time but already knew that he had WAY too much going on for my tastes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow... how to choose....

 

Here are a few (note I met all these on OLD):

 

1) Divorced guy in his 50's, family practice physician, seemed nice at first, well-respected, etc. Then one evening I talked to him on the phone and he was talking REALLY slowly (I talk fast but this was ridiculous) and he seemed to be slurring his words. I thought he was drunk or high, but he had just gotten off work. (!) Then the next day he completely went off on me because he thought I hadn't replied to a couple of messages that he had sent. I had, and had the sent messages to prove it, but he would hear none of it. He sent me message after messages SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS about how I was an inconsiderate b****, c***, taking advantage of him by ignoring messages, then he started to blow up my phone with vile, horrible voice mails. He called dozens of times - I blocked him everywhere but it took me awhile to get him blocked from my phone so this went on for a few days. I had to call the police.

 

2) This one was also a physician; his profile said he was "widowed". I thought "Great! No ex-wife baggage!" Then before our first call I noticed his OLD profile had changed with all kinds of weird things. Different # of kids, said he was a carpet layer, said he was divorced, different age. I called him on it and he said he had no idea what had happened and blamed it on the site.

 

We got past that and dated a few times and it seems that what he said originally on his profile was (mostly) true. Then he finally tells me he actually has been married a total of FOUR times - the first 2 times widowed when they committed suicide, and the last 2 times the women left because they decided they were lesbians. What are the odds of that?!?! Seems too that he was investigated after the first (gunshot) death of his wife but they couldn't prove anything, and he was getting mysterious letters saying weird things, etc.

 

3) This one was a corporate attorney. We talked for awhile and dated a couple of times, even though he was many pounds heavier and about 20 years older than his photos. Then I spent some time googling him and found out he had been disbarred a decade ago because of some corporate money laundering thing and that he had been married FIVE times. He had been charged with domestic abuse with one of the wives. His 3 (adult) kids all had criminal records - the first dropped out of law school to live on the streets and be homeless, then got into drugs; the other 2 also got into drugs and theft. The middle daughter was charged multiple times with domestic abuse for violence against her husband.

 

Guess those are more than 'red flags'. Next....

[No Limit]

Haven't been in a relationship yet, but to be honest after those two I'm definitely not in a hurry...

 

Guy 1; met him a bit over a month ago in a local pet store. Seemed obviously... eager, but my alarms were ringing so I just grabbed my dogs' favourite food, paid and left. My mother had noticed the guy too and bugged me about it all the way until we were finally home; that curiousity later proved me right though that something was iffy; my mother told her co workers about it and one actually knew that guy - still lived with his parents and brags about the comforts of "Hotel Mama". My mom never mentioned him again.

 

Guy 2; that was maybe 2 weeks ago. Waited outside the company building while my mother went in to leave some papers; while waiting a guy approached me, some smalltalk and then he asked for my number. Again, alarm bells (especially because he vaguely answered my questions about him) and I said "no". He tried a few more attempts at that before my mother finally came back; once again, she was absolutely smitten by the idea of me having a BF (ever since my 18th birthday 2 months ago she sees herself surrounded by grandchildren ). Same story as above - she did some research (as in talking to her co worker friend) and look at that - that guy was 26, married and father of two little children. Yuck.

 

I'm getting the impression that people fish around a bit and hope that the young girls are still naive or the type that becomes hopelessly infatuated so they won't care about anything but pleasing them. Well, not with me bro.

 

One girl told me on the first date that she used to be addicted to ecstasy. I was kind of like....... Really? Of all the drugs... you got addicted to one that's not really known for being addictive?

 

 

Apparently it was so bad that she was living out of her car for a while. No thanks.

 

Actually, ecstasy is one of the worst substances you can take -- shortly after taking it people need to mix it up (mostly speed, although meth comes cheaper nowadays) to keep the effect, and as soon as the body becomes too accostumed to the mixture they need to raise the amount they take. And after that, well, you can kiss your health goodbye.

 

(Keep your eyebrows un-furrowed! Haven't done any drugs in my life, but Google sure provides a lot of information for those who look for it. )

[dichotomy]

Skeletons started falling out of closet after we got married. Maybe I should have run anyway, but I guess it came down to "false representation" vs. "for better or worse".

[Keenly]

One of my girlfriends had no self control whatsoever when it came to alcohol.

 

One drink led to ten, which lead to her blacking out and not being able to take care of herself.

 

 

She also would not take responsibility for her actions while drunk. She would say " well I was drunk " like that would excuse her inappropriate behavior and boundary shattering.