ExposedBrick Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I've been dating a girl with pretty strong introvert tendencies over the past few months and I'm not sure how to treat her. In 3 months, she has only called me once, when she was about to go on vacation. She doesn't seem to socialize much on her own. However, when we do socialize, even with her friends, she doesn't seem to contribute very much to the conversations. When it's just me and her hanging out, I feel like I am shouldering most of the conversation and I have to make all the plans for our dates. She seems to be indecisive in general as well. I usually see her about twice per week. I'm about halfway on the introvert/extrovert spectrum. I love going out to socialize but I'm not the life of the party or biggest chatterbox. In the past, other gf's tended to be more extroverted than me. I'm not sure if I'm outgoing enough to balance her heavy introversion. Right now, I feel like I'm having to work hard here. Does anyone have tips on dating introverts? Does it seem odd she never calls me and usually only texts? Link to post Share on other sites
potsticker Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I don't think texting vs calling is an issue. Some people prefer one, some the other, some don't care either way. There's a difference between being an introvert and simply being socially passive. An introvert might be an amazing conversationalist, but by nature is exhausted by social interactions over time and requires some alone time to recharge. An extrovert might have terrible social skills and might lack courage to reach out, but by nature gains energy by socializing. my question is... if you feel like you're doing all the work, does that mean you simply like her enough to do all that work with no help on her end? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Sorry, but you just don't sound compatible. Even if someone is an introvert, if the chemistry and desire is there you won't feel like you're working hard like you feel now. She doesn't sound particularly interested to be honest, what has she done to make you feel like she's into you? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 It doesn't sound like you're describing an "introvert". I think many people, self included, have misunderstood and misused the term "introvert" and confused it with being shy, passive and even indecisive. I am an introvert and I am also shy at times. Introvert does not equal shy though. Not contributing to conversations, as potsticker mentioned above, is simply being passive and shy......less aggressive in conversations. So, it sounds like you have a passive, shy, unsure of herself girl and not an introvert on your hands. Your choice on whether to stick with it or not. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Right now, I feel like I'm having to work hard here. Does anyone have tips on dating introverts? Does it seem odd she never calls me and usually only texts? I'm old-fashioned when it comes to romance and rarely initiate phone or text contact with a man I'm dating, no matter how much I like him, but always respond happily when he initiates. In my experience, when a guy really likes you, he will happily do all the initiating. (And the kind of guys I like to date usually tell me they are revved up by continuing to be the pursuer and initiator.) But if you feel you're working too hard, it sounds as though you'd prefer more initiation on her part. Have you told her you would like her to initiate phone calls and texts more often? If I were dating a guy who told me that, and responded well when I initiated, I would do it happily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Well the thing is for some reason youre playing the role of entertainer and conversationalist. The question is why do you feel that you have to do this? You dont have to do any of this, she is responsible for having something to add to the conversation. You cant coddle her like a child. Dont feel you need to say anything Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I met a girl who acted like that. It turned out that she was just dumb as a bucket o' rocks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Hold up!! Your situation sounds IDENTICAL to mine. Your personalities are identical to ours. So with that said, please read on with an open mind. Ride it out, man. It gets better. Much better. I was in that same situation about just this time last summer. I have been dating my gf since july 2013 and the first 4 months were HARD. On my part that is. It wasn't until the late fall, early winter time she broke out of her shell. And ****, she is awesome. Just keep going on dates with her man, keep enjoying her company. This girl probably doesn't say no to anything. She probably goes along with you for anything you want to do. She's open to whatever you want. If you want to go to a particular amusement park, go! She'll have a blast. You want to go check out that city 200miles north for the weekend? Ask her, she'll say yes. These little experiences, you guys probably goof off a bit. Have a bunch of laughs. It'll be easy for a bit, then you'll feel you're trying hard again. But that's cool, you're just piecing away at her shell. You can probably tell if she likes you a lot by the way these girls look at you. It's in their eyes. Anyway, you'll know when you've broken her shell. She'll wake up one morning next to you, be super duper bubbly, and you'll have a goofy morning. She'll bring out her derpy side and that's that. She'll stay that way . 6 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Has she had any significant relationships prior to dating you (being with someone at least 10 months?) If she has no prior or little relationship experience, she may be quite hesitant and reluctant to escalate things, including contact and commitment, until you demonstrate it initially and repeatedly and she feels herself to be in a safe place to open up. I second letting her know that you enjoy hearing from her and encouraging her to contact you more, and seeing if she steps up to the plate. Three months is long enough that if you're not getting the reciprocation that you want, that you should bring it up with her in some way - encouraging, not accusatory. It sounds like she's quite passive in her other relationships, so her lack of initiative isn't necessarily an indicator that she lacks interest in you. She may like you a great deal, the issue is if she's that passive and content to let her friends and lovers bear the brunt of initiation of communication and plans, some people will understandably get burned out with the situation and move on. Whether you think that the benefits of being with her are worth more of the shouldering of effort is up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I've been dating a girl with pretty strong introvert tendencies over the past few months and I'm not sure how to treat her. In 3 months, she has only called me once, when she was about to go on vacation. She doesn't seem to socialize much on her own. However, when we do socialize, even with her friends, she doesn't seem to contribute very much to the conversations. When it's just me and her hanging out, I feel like I am shouldering most of the conversation and I have to make all the plans for our dates. She seems to be indecisive in general as well. I usually see her about twice per week. I'm about halfway on the introvert/extrovert spectrum. I love going out to socialize but I'm not the life of the party or biggest chatterbox. In the past, other gf's tended to be more extroverted than me. I'm not sure if I'm outgoing enough to balance her heavy introversion. Right now, I feel like I'm having to work hard here. Does anyone have tips on dating introverts? Does it seem odd she never calls me and usually only texts? I don't know what a "heavy" introvert is. What's the problem with her not talking more? What do you want her to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 You shouldn't change your own personality and how you treat people, based on their personality. Just be yourself. If that doesn't make for a happy relationship then you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Ask her Qs. Specifically try to find out if there are things you can do to make her feel more confident & comfortable. My husband is an introvert in that he prefers small groups & his own company. He's not shy but I'm clearly the bigger personality & this in charge of our social life. He'd be content to sit home. He has said he feels more confident going on when I'm around because I'll break the ice. Link to post Share on other sites
no changes Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It's not so bad, that she only communicates you with you text only. With my wife I 6 months corresponded through net, before see her in live. In addition it is possible that over time you will change her, make her more socially active.Also you can always search for love elsewhere https://mymagicbrides.com Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 The problems you have don't sound like an introvert vs extrovert issue to me, at all. The SO and I are both heavily introverted (like 90+% MBTI "I") and conversation has never been a problem between us. Contrary to popular belief, introverts don't abhor talking to EVERYone, they very much enjoy talking with a select few people whom they are very compatible and close with. Focusing on depth of interaction, instead of breadth. So, if conversation between the two of you is a problem even after 3 months and she never calls you, IMO you're both just not compatible or she's not that interested. On the other hand if your problem was that she didn't want to go hang out with your friends or attend social events with you too often, THEN introversion might be the cause. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 What I'm wondering is why you want to be with such a woman who obviously doesn't want to make an effort for the relationship nor is she interested enough. Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 What I'm wondering is why you want to be with such a woman who obviously doesn't want to make an effort for the relationship nor is she interested enough. Because it's not that she's "not making an effort" or "interested enough." Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Because it's not that she's "not making an effort" or "interested enough." I'm an introvert myself and I had put a great effort to show my bf (before he became my bf) that I was interested. I still do. I can not talk to anyone every day but I can't imagine that I won't be sweet to my bf, talk to him nicely, tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate him etc. Some women hide behind the "I'm shy and/or introvert" excuse only to hide the fact that either they are not that interested or that they don't have any interest as persons. An introvert is not always shy. I'm not shy with people, I can speak up for myself and those I love, but I just do not CARE enough to talk to every person I meat if I don't find them interesting. It's not that I can't, it's that I don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lipitor11 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Maybe you guys are just incompatible? I'm a little on the introvert side and have been on dates with guys that were extroverted, they would always complain to me on how shy I was..well, some guys just prefer girls that are outgoing. Link to post Share on other sites
michellew Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 I've been dating a girl with pretty strong introvert tendencies over the past few months and I'm not sure how to treat her. In 3 months, she has only called me once, when she was about to go on vacation. She doesn't seem to socialize much on her own. However, when we do socialize, even with her friends, she doesn't seem to contribute very much to the conversations. When it's just me and her hanging out, I feel like I am shouldering most of the conversation and I have to make all the plans for our dates. She seems to be indecisive in general as well. I usually see her about twice a week. She doesn't seem to have much of a personality to me, but there must be something you like about her? Twice a week for 3 months is a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
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