New relationship: not sure what's happening

[fonoma]

I'm 24 but very inexperienced in dating and have only had one relationship that lasted 6 months that I was feeling hot and cold about and eventually left.

 

This new guy I'd been seeing watch me at the gym since I had started going every day about three months ago. He's a personal trainer that works there that I eventually got sessions with as when I had signed up he was recommended to me because he was a runner (as am I.) Anyway, about 5 sessions in with him and getting to know him and discovering that we have a few mutual friends, he texts me on a Thursday evening to ask if I wanted to go to a show with him the next day. He ended up picking me up at my place, taking me to dinner, and then the show, and he wasn't ready to go home yet so we went to a wine bar and talked for 2 more hours and finally kissed and made out at the end of the night. He told me he asked his boss if it was ok to ask me out and seems like a genuine nice guy who does like to spend a lot of time by himself and is very independent. I don't really suspect him of being a player.

 

We've kept in touch every day since then, the following Sunday I invited him to see some live music and we spent 8 hours together where he told me he liked me and that he enjoyed doing pretty much anything with me. Throughout the week we kept in touch, he'd ask me how my day was, what I was up to and I'd sometimes initiate the same. A few times we saw each other at lunch time because he works across the street and has a long break. I spent the night at his place after we went to a pub run on the next Thursday (but I made sure we didn't go any further than just making out all night long.) We made plans to meet for drinks and dinner Friday and he came over for a while and we messed around (probably way too far, as I wasn't completely sober and made a big mistake, but he assured me it was ok.)

 

We spent the entire Saturday together where he cooked me brunch and we spent hours at the river together in a somewhat private area that was special to him, and then went to his coworker's housewarming party where I met the other trainers. We had sex that night and slept in late the next morning before separating to spend the day with each of our parents. He texted me a photo and I responded later with another photo but I was in a bad service area so maybe it didn't go through, because he seemed genuine when he said he never saw anything. We talked a bit more that evening when I initiated.

 

So this week I've been hearing from him what seems like less through texts, but when I see him in person everything seems normal. On Monday he invited me to a lunch to meet with an interesting runner/person but that turns out to be the next Monday. We texted like normal for the rest of the day, just here and there (how are you, what are you up to). On Tuesday morning he texts me asking if I wanted to go to a yoga class on Wednesday evening with him. I tell him I might have plans but shortly after text him back saying I can go, but he doesn't respond (a simple Ok! or great! would be the usual.) Later in the evening I ask how his day's been going and he later texts me back since he's busy at work. In the evening he tells me all about how excited he is about this new running group he joined, immediately after he got back from it. Later he tells me he can't wait to be done studying for some certification he's working on so that we can hang out more.

 

Wednesday I don't hear from him at all so I text him in the afternoon asking if we're still on for yoga and he says "Def!". When I see him there it was all pretty normal, and he asked me to go to dinner afterwards where everything seemed fine, he'd open doors for me, keep his hand on my back, ask me questions about myself (and I him) etc. He then asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him this Friday for my Birthday to which I said I'd like that. We parted for the night after that as he had to go study some more, but when we kissed he didn't want to pull away and came back for more, which he does pretty frequently. He later texted me when he was done studying to say goodnight, to which I replied.

 

Thursday he texted me later in the morning asking how my evening was and I told him I met up with a girl friend for a drink since she cancelled Thursday's happy hour on me. We talked a bit about some restaurants and he told me about one he has to take me to. Later I sent him a funny text but it didn't really require a response so I never got one. Then later in the evening I texted him how his day went and I still haven't gotten a response which is very unusual. I want to ask him about our plans for dinner since I don't know what they are yet, but I don't want to keep texting him.

 

Is he losing interest, playing it cool, a possibility of his ex coming into the picture (they were off and on for months), or am I just transforming into a crazy person that I don't even recognize?

 

He's supposed to be coming to my birthday party on Saturday too, during which there's a race he wanted to go to but decided not to so he could come to my party. And he's expressed interest in this going somewhere further down the line, and even mentioned a trip to the coast that he wanted me to go on with him. Should I just kind of move on and see if he chases again? Am I freaking out too much or is his lack of texting indicating waning interest, even though he keeps initiating dates?

[genuinelyloverly7]

How long has this been going on? Maybe wait and see how he acts. I'm not suggesting you play it cool, but maybe just wait and see how he reveals himself.

[fonoma]

It pretty much started on Wednesday, or possibly Tuesday? Tuesday he invited me to yoga but didn't chat with me after I said i'd go (or responded to it, thus why I had to confirm on Wednesday.) I texted him later Tuesday asking how he was and he responded like normal. I took it as a good sign that he went straight to me for all his excitement about the new group that evening, and he seemed excited to be able to hang out with me more when his test passes.

 

But like I said, didn't hear from him Wednesday and when I casually asked him in person later if he had a busy day he said not really, and even had some cancellations. But he was otherwise attentive with me and he texted good night that evening and asked how I was the next morning. I haven't heard from him since our lunchtime conversation yesterday though and I'd like to know about our plans tonight.

[Zahara]

I'd say he forgot but then again it was only Wednesday that he mentioned it so it has been/is on his mind. Personally, if someone doesn't care to let me know what the plans are, especially when it's already the day of, I'd be apt to make my own and celebrate the day with those that are planning and anticipating spending that day with me.

 

He should be on his game so early into this, especially it being your birthday. I understand that it's only natural that the intensity of texting dies down but non-responses is not a good sign. If I am interested in someone, I'm excited to receive contact and to keep it going, especially when it's so fresh and new.

[fonoma]

Well regardless if we had plans he'd still text me and/or respond to me.

 

Just an update, I texted him around noon to ask when/where we were going to meet later. An hour later said "I can just pick you up :)" and later asked what time worked for me. I later suggested a time and he instantly responded "perfect, I made reservations for then." So now I need to figure out how to approach some of these subjects without freaking him out or letting him know how much it bothered me, but still letting him know it bothers me...

[Zahara]

Well regardless if we had plans he'd still text me and/or respond to me.

 

Just an update, I texted him around noon to ask when/where we were going to meet later. An hour later said "I can just pick you up :)" and later asked what time worked for me. I later suggested a time and he instantly responded "perfect, I made reservations for then." So now I need to figure out how to approach some of these subjects without freaking him out or letting him know how much it bothered me, but still letting him know it bothers me...

 

Personally, I would not have have texted him to ask about plans. I would let him dig his own hole without any coaching so soon into this. The thing is he knows how to communicate. If you're having to poke and prod so soon into things, I would step back and let him show himself to you.

[preraph]

He sounds like a nice guy who likes you, but you have got to stop all this texting! Text when there's a reason, not just random. The guy is busy and doesn't have time to just text back and forth for no reason! Don't ever text until he has returned your last text. Don't be offended. It just means he's busy and not into a bunch of random meaningless texting, as most mature people aren't. He has better things to do than prove to you over and over that he is paying attention. Stop being so needy. He sounds great and there's no problem except you needing constant validation because you're insecure.

[GemmaUK]

I got lost somewhere in there!

 

I hope your texts/mails/whatever are not like this.

 

Don't analyse everything..just have fun!

 

You have only just started having a few dates, there is no reason to be in contact every day.

[fonoma]

Thanks guys, I really needed that kick to snap out of this. I am absolutely being insecure and I hate it! I am shocked at myself at how I've behaved this past week (though a bit of it I can attribute to some other area of my life that's interfering as well.) I just had a fear since the beginning that this was all going to end poorly because the only time things had worked out for me like this were literally in my dreams. I still don't like it when people ignore me as even my friends who are the worst at getting back eventually do.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate the harsh but accurate criticisms!

[kolleamm]

Hey look at it this way, if your dating him that means you get free fitness lessons!

[fonoma]

Just an update to what things have been like:

 

Good:

- He took me out for my Birthday to a really nice restaurant and we had a really lovely time together (and it turned out he was asleep when I sent the text but he never told me that until he picked me up to go to dinner)

- He took me to my Birthday destination the next day and met all my friends even though he didn't know most of them and took me home when I was too drunk to drive

- He's made minor but nice efforts to invite me or see me twice during the week after that

- He continued to want to see me on the next Saturday and cook for me, but our interaction was a little duller because he had to spend time studying for his test he was nervous about

 

Bad:

- He still leaves some of my texts unanswered, regardless of who texted first, though they're never really critical ones, but I wanted to keep the conversation going (he's had some good reasons to be busy last week, but it's still happening)

- He's also still texting less frequently and with slightly less engagement/curiosity as the first week (which I know happens after the initial moods fade, but after one or two weeks? I feel like he should still be as enthusiastic as I am if he were still as interested)

- He cancelled last minute dinner plans to cook for me because he wanted to go study but he did reschedule to saturday.

- I told him I wanted to take him out to dinner on Monday after his test and when I asked (before he took the test when he was still stressed) if he wanted to go still, he said maybe because he's been so tired (which I sort of expected, but I'd never be too tired to go out with him.) When I asked for a rain check later so I could make other plans he said he still wanted to go but had to do X first which would make it sort of a late dinner and when he changed his mind it was too late as I had gone out already.

 

I plan to ask him maybe somewhat indirectly about his not responding to texts. At least let him know that I like to know that he got them, even if he doesn't have anything to say? I can't tell if he's getting comfortable/losing interest/still interested in someone else/doesn't feel as connected staying in touch through texting like I do. We haven't started talking on the phone yet as we either see each other sort of enough (3-4 times a week, though some are brief). Is it really overreacting to expect someone who's still interested to be excited to reply?

Edited August 19, 2014 by fonoma