I can't take it anymore.. Should I leave or hold on?

[LeonatheWriter]

This is about my fourth post because I'm desperate. If anyone is willing to read this in its entirety and help me out with a comment, than I am FOREVER grateful. I am just so confused and hurt right now.

 

I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been together for 13 months so far. We're literally on opposite ends of the world, and we're in our early twenties, but what can I say.. I love him so much. And I know deep down he genuinely loves me too. But there are so many little things that he does that hurts me, and I don't know if they're intentional. I don't think they are.

 

I'll start with the positive...

He's incredibly sweet. He's willing to lose sleep just to spend time with me if I need him and if he's free. He calls me beautiful every day, and tells me he loves me every day. He recorded a few songs for me, used to write me poems, and I think unlike most guys, he's very open about his emotions. He talks to me about his nightmares, his fears and hopes for the future, and he's very direct about things regarding our relationship. I feel that he truly, genuinely loves me. He would be perfect if only he would listen and respect me more, and hide things or lie to me less.

 

For the negative things...

First, at the beginning of our relationship, he had a hint of patriarchal character in him. He once told me that it's worse if a wife cheats than if a husband cheats. That was one argument we still haven't resolved. Second, I feel like he rushed our relationship a bit too much. He told me he loved me before we were officially dating. He talks about kids and marriage, and even admitted that he's saving up for an engagement ring. I'm afraid that he'd get tired of me as quickly as he fell for me. Third, he can be too sweet (I'm not exaggerating). Sometimes he'll say so many sweet things to me, that I don't know how to respond. I get annoyed even, because I feel like I can't carry a normal conversation with him. He's overly sweet and romantic, and although I appreciate this about him, sometimes it's just too much to handle, especially when I need someone to listen and reply with helpfully and seriously.

Fourth and most important--he has a tendency to lie. The first time he lied, he promised he wouldn't do something (I won't say because I respect his privacy) because it would be disrespectful towards me. But I swear on my life, I know for a fact that he was doing it. Worse, he was doing this in front of my face while we were on skype, thinking I wouldn't notice. Up to today, he hasn't admitted it. I got mad at him for breaking a promise, but I was too angry to tell him which promise. And so I'm assuming he's playing stupid or really doesn't know. The second major lie was about a poem he claimed to have written. He used to write me poems, but stopped after a while. Then suddenly he read me a poem (he usually writes them and send it to me), but right from the start I felt like it didn't sound like him. So I searched one of the lines, and there it was all over the internet under someone else's name. Third time he's lied is a very recent event, which is what lead me to this forum.

 

One of our major problems is that he's always busy (doing chores, running errands) when I need him the most. This week was my toughest week of all, because of school. One morning we argued because every time we're on skype, he's always checking his phone or reading something on the internet. His excuse: "I'm just replying to my mom." But my gut told me it couldn't always be his mom, and there's just something about his body language that gave me suspicious vibes. You can just tell, you know? Call it intuition.

 

Anyways, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I checked his account (I KNOW, bad girlfriend alert, I'm sorry). Apparently, he had been messaging a girl during the time he said he was replying to his mom and got busy doing errands, as well as before the argument we had. The first message was "where are you?" And it sounds to me like he was meeting her that day, why else would you randomly ask that? And I don't believe there was nothing before that message, he must have deleted previous messages. Then it was "are you doing anything today?" I confronted him about whether he was hiding anything or if he was cheating on me, and he kept denying it and saying he didn't know what I was talking about. So I checked again to see if the girl replied and if they were in fact planning to go out. But the messages were completely deleted. It's as if he never messaged her.

 

I was on a rage at this point and my trust was out the window, so I scrolled further and checked other messages because they were mostly from girls. There was one more conversation that struck me, because it was sent during our fourth and fifth month together. He was messaging a girl that I suspect he used to like. And for almost three years, he was messaging her every few months to ask how she was doing and that it's been so long since they've chatted. She didn't reply to any of these messages, I think it's because she left the country to travel. But I have a suspicion that he may have deleted some messages from her. Still, he continued to message her even while we were together. There was one message where he sent her a heart. (Maybe I'm thinking too much into this part, but I didn't feel like it was a normal thing to do when you have a girlfriend). Plus I know how my bf writes, and I can feel for the tone of his words. It hurt me so much because he messaged her during a time when I thought were were at our peak in the relationship.

 

Just a few more things--He's the more outspoken one of the two of us, but when I talk, I feel like he isn't interested or doesn't care as much as a bf should. I talk to my other guy friends and they sound a lot more enthusiastic and caring about the little details in my life. When I'm hurting physically or emotionally, I even feel ignored. If I'm mad at him for something, he'll apologize and even cry. But there have been times when he'll be overly sweet if he knows I'm mad, and he won't even ask me what's wrong. The last time we were together was the first time we went out as a couple, and I felt sexually used (no we didn't have sex or anything too far). He claims that he just didn't know how to react because I'm his first serious girlfriend. But I feel hurt just thinking about how he would rub himself against me in public or when no one was around. I had two weeks with him after months of being separated, and all he did was be horny.

 

There's much more positive I could share, but the negative seems longer because I gave specific examples/stories.

 

Honestly, I love him so much and I'm so afraid of losing him. But I can't imagine us getting married because we're from different cultures, and I feel like I'm not good enough for him and his family. We actually have a whole lot in common, but sometimes I feel like our personalities and expectations don't seem to meet eye to eye. My greatest fear is that he might be the right guy but I lose him because I couldn't bring myself to trust him. NOTE: He also has health issues--he has a heart problem and heart attacks run in his family, he has chronic migraines and back pains. I don't know if I can hurt him because I'll never forgive myself if he becomes physically hurt because of me. I'd rather hold it in and hurt silently than to hurt him physically.

 

But I'm here now, asking for help because I've reached my limit. I am not willing to put myself through pain for someone who may be lying to me, hiding things from me, or even cheating.

 

My question is, what if I let him go, and I end up regretting it? But at the same time, I feel like I'm more unsatisfied than happy with our relationship.

 

Please, someone give me advice on what to do.

Edited August 2, 2014 by LeonatheWriter

[torturedartist]

This is about my fourth post because I'm desperate. If anyone is willing to read this in its entirety and help me out with a comment, than I am FOREVER grateful. I am just so confused and hurt right now.

 

I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been together for 13 months so far. We're literally on opposite ends of the world, and we're in our early twenties, but what can I say.. I love him so much. And I know deep down he genuinely loves me too. But there are so many little things that he does that hurts me, and I don't know if they're intentional. I don't think they are.

 

I'll start with the positive...

He's incredibly sweet. He's willing to lose sleep just to spend time with me if I need him and if he's free. He calls me beautiful every day, and tells me he loves me every day. He recorded a few songs for me, used to write me poems, and I think unlike most guys, he's very open about his emotions. He talks to me about his nightmares, his fears and hopes for the future, and he's very direct about things regarding our relationship. I feel that he truly, genuinely loves me. He would be perfect if only he would listen and respect me more, and hide things or lie to me less.

 

For the negative things...

First, at the beginning of our relationship, he had a hint of patriarchal character in him. He once told me that it's worse if a wife cheats than if a husband cheats. That was one argument we still haven't resolved. Second, I feel like he rushed our relationship a bit too much. He told me he loved me before we were officially dating. He talks about kids and marriage, and even admitted that he's saving up for an engagement ring. I'm afraid that he'd get tired of me as quickly as he fell for me. Third, he can be too sweet (I'm not exaggerating). Sometimes he'll say so many sweet things to me, that I don't know how to respond. I get annoyed even, because I feel like I can't carry a normal conversation with him. He's overly sweet and romantic, and although I appreciate this about him, sometimes it's just too much to handle, especially when I need someone to listen and reply with helpfully and seriously.

Fourth and most important--he has a tendency to lie. The first time he lied, he promised he wouldn't do something (I won't say because I respect his privacy) because it would be disrespectful towards me. But I swear on my life, I know for a fact that he was doing it. Worse, he was doing this in front of my face while we were on skype, thinking I wouldn't notice. Up to today, he hasn't admitted it. I got mad at him for breaking a promise, but I was too angry to tell him which promise. And so I'm assuming he's playing stupid or really doesn't know. The second major lie was about a poem he claimed to have written. He used to write me poems, but stopped after a while. Then suddenly he read me a poem (he usually writes them and send it to me), but right from the start I felt like it didn't sound like him. So I searched one of the lines, and there it was all over the internet under someone else's name. Third time he's lied is a very recent event, which is what lead me to this forum.

 

One of our major problems is that he's always busy (doing chores, running errands) when I need him the most. This week was my toughest week of all, because of school. One morning we argued because every time we're on skype, he's always checking his phone or reading something on the internet. His excuse: "I'm just replying to my mom." But my gut told me it couldn't always be his mom, and there's just something about his body language that gave me suspicious vibes. You can just tell, you know? Call it intuition.

 

Anyways, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I checked his account (I KNOW, bad girlfriend alert, I'm sorry). Apparently, he had been messaging a girl during the time he said he was replying to his mom and got busy doing errands, as well as before the argument we had. The first message was "where are you?" And it sounds to me like he was meeting her that day, why else would you randomly ask that? And I don't believe there was nothing before that message, he must have deleted previous messages. Then it was "are you doing anything today?" I confronted him about whether he was hiding anything or if he was cheating on me, and he kept denying it and saying he didn't know what I was talking about. So I checked again to see if the girl replied and if they were in fact planning to go out. But the messages were completely deleted. It's as if he never messaged her.

 

I was on a rage at this point and my trust was out the window, so I scrolled further and checked other messages because they were mostly from girls. There was one more conversation that struck me, because it was sent during our fourth and fifth month together. He was messaging a girl that I suspect he used to like. And for almost three years, he was messaging her every few months to ask how she was doing and that it's been so long since they've chatted. She didn't reply to any of these messages, I think it's because she left the country to travel. But I have a suspicion that he may have deleted some messages from her. Still, he continued to message her even while we were together. There was one message where he sent her a heart. (Maybe I'm thinking too much into this part, but I didn't feel like it was a normal thing to do when you have a girlfriend). Plus I know how my bf writes, and I can feel for the tone of his words. It hurt me so much because he messaged her during a time when I thought were were at our peak in the relationship.

 

Just a few more things--He's the more outspoken one of the two of us, but when I talk, I feel like he isn't interested or doesn't care as much as a bf should. I talk to my other guy friends and they sound a lot more enthusiastic and caring about the little details in my life. When I'm hurting physically or emotionally, I even feel ignored. If I'm mad at him for something, he'll apologize and even cry. But there have been times when he'll be overly sweet if he knows I'm mad, and he won't even ask me what's wrong. The last time we were together was the first time we went out as a couple, and I felt sexually used (no we didn't have sex or anything too far). He claims that he just didn't know how to react because I'm his first serious girlfriend. But I feel hurt just thinking about how he would rub himself against me in public or when no one was around. I had two weeks with him after months of being separated, and all he did was be horny.

 

There's much more positive I could share, but the negative seems longer because I gave specific examples/stories.

 

Honestly, I love him so much and I'm so afraid of losing him. But I can't imagine us getting married because we're from different cultures, and I feel like I'm not good enough for him and his family. We actually have a whole lot in common, but sometimes I feel like our personalities and expectations don't seem to meet eye to eye. My greatest fear is that he might be the right guy but I lose him because I couldn't bring myself to trust him. NOTE: He also has health issues--he has a heart problem and heart attacks run in his family, he has chronic migraines and back pains. I don't know if I can hurt him because I'll never forgive myself if he becomes physically hurt because of me. I'd rather hold it in and hurt silently than to hurt him physically.

 

But I'm here now, asking for help because I've reached my limit. I am not willing to put myself through pain for someone who may be lying to me, hiding things from me, or even cheating.

 

My question is, what if I let him go, and I end up regretting it? But at the same time, I feel like I'm more unsatisfied than happy with our relationship.

 

Please, someone give me advice on what to do.

 

For starters LeonatheWriter, if you're going to have a username suggesting you're a writer, you need to make sure you use the proper version of then/than, as in this sentence: "than I am FOREVER grateful". There's no comparison being made, so you should have used "then".

 

But you didn't come here for a critique of your writing, did you?

 

On to your issue. Prepare yourself to be FOREVER grateful.

 

The guy's a liar. That's what we call people who tell lies repeatedly, and don't fess up to lying when they're caught.

 

He's a chauvinist. He said it's worse if a woman cheats than a man, because a man has a peni$ (that's what he's implying).

 

(Also, note my proper usage of the word "than" in the above sentence.)

 

Worst of all, he's a plagiarist. If you're a writer, as your username suggests, this is a deal-breaker. A writer might be able to deal with a few sociopathic tendencies in a significant other, but they have to draw the line somewhere. Plagiarism is where you need to draw that line.

 

And he's on the other side of the world.

 

My suggestion is that you find a nice, sweet guy nearer to you. Maybe someone you can still have a relationship if North Korea detonates a nuclear missile above the stratosphere, creating an EMP that disables all electrical devices and Skype is no longer a valid means for carrying on a relationship.

 

And in the future, dump a guy immediately if you catch him plagiarizing. That's just not acceptable.

 

For real. Get on Skype as soon as you can and tell him you're done with him. There are over 7 billion fish in the sea... approximately 3.29875643928329 are men (just a rough estimate). Pick a different fish. One in the same pond (or mud puddle) as you.

 

I hope that helps, and if at some point you get tired of being FOREVER grateful, feel free to take a break.

[K0203]

Okay wow! I'm sorry to say this but you sound like you have really low self-esteem to say you love and want to be with a guy who treats you terribly but just because he showers you with (clearly bogus) compliments and words, you're "afraid to lose him"??? Just so you know, healthy relationships AREN'T like that!

You say you're both from different cultures? I bet I can guess where he's from.. But tell me what is his culture?

Everything you're describing to me sounds like a guy who wants an easy lay! Trust me I've gone through this and I was able to see through his crap right from the beginning but it's easy to be sucked in and you'll ask yourself why you spent so much time wasted on someone who never deserved it! You didn't even feel comfortable with him or want to be intimate with him. That shows your subconscious telling you that it didn't feel right with him! You really need to get out of this unhealthy relationship and don't even move on to another until you can learn to love and be utterly content being with yourself first.. I'm trying to say this so you understand how important it is to be dependent on yourself before you impose it on someone else. Not trying to talk down to you or slight you at all!

[ExpatInItaly]

You're so worried about hurting him that you seem to have forgotten or ignored how much he has hurt you. Do you think he was considering your feelings when he messaged other girls? Of course not.

 

I wouldn't continue this relationship. The negatives you listed are significant. He broke your trust. That was his choice. The sweet things he says are a load of garbage; he's using that to manipulate the situation and dodge the questions from you. I think he likes the validation and ego boost he gets from having you around, but I don't think he's actually in love with you. If he were, he'd be making a hell of a lot more of an effort. I don't see the point in carrying on. Find someone local who is better able to respect you.

[CC12]

I'm pretty sure you answered your own question here:

 

I am not willing to put myself through pain for someone who may be lying to me, hiding things from me, or even cheating.

 

Except you should have phrased it, "someone who is lying to me, hiding things from me, and probably cheating." This is not a critique of your writing, by the way. You know for a fact that he's lied to you on several occasions. He even lied about something as silly as a poem. It would have been just as sweet if he had said, "I found this poem and it reminded me of you" so there was really no reason to lie.

 

Some of these lies might be small, but they really expose his character and basically just demonstrate a willingness to lie to you. And that he does some of this **** right in front of your face is pretty offensive. Does he think you're stupid? It's difficult to think of it that way, but on some level, he does think you're stupid. Or at least, he thinks he's smarter than you are and can feed you bull**** that you'll just accept.

 

And in a way, you did accept it. You never addressed his lies (right?) and so he thinks/knows that he can get away with it, either because you won't figure it out, or you'd be too embarrassed to call him out. So there's something you can take to any future relationships - communicate when you're feeling wronged/disrespected/lied to. Not that it would have stopped his lying, but at least you wouldn't be keeping it bottled up.

 

You can't trust him, and trust is probably the single most important thing in a relationship, especially a long-distance one. He is a liar, and you should just assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. You should also assume that he is cheating on you. What's to say he isn't cheating? His word? His word means nothing. He lies.

 

Also, upon reading through your post a second time, this really stood out to me:

 

He once told me that it's worse if a wife cheats than if a husband cheats.

 

Does this mean he basically thinks it's okay if the man cheats? It's like, "Oh sure, cheating is real bad, but it's less bad if a man does it." Taking everything else into consideration, that opinion of his looks pretty damning.

 

Sorry for the length. TL;DR: This relationship seems doomed. He's a liar, you don't even seem him regularly, you're more unsatisfied than happy, you can never trust him. Just end it. You might regret it at first, but in the end, you'll be happier. I promise.

[Tbisb74]

.....This relationship seems doomed. He's a liar, you don't even seem him regularly, you're more unsatisfied than happy, you can never trust him. Just end it. You might regret it at first, but in the end, you'll be happier. I promise.

^^^THIS.^^ Succinct, to-the-point, honest and absolutely spot-on. You don't need anything further, this says it all. Now, all you have to do - is do it.

[LeonatheWriter]

We're actually the same Asian ethnicity, but I was raised on Guam and he was raised in another country. I'm not saying we don't have intimacy, but I did/do feel rushed and forced a bit. Thank you for your feedback though.

[LeonatheWriter]

First of all Torturedartist, I know the difference between "then" and "than." Thank you for the sympathy and open-mindedness as I was feeling distraught while I was typing this, and I was typing quickly. I don't understand what you mean by plagiarizing, the problem is if he's cheating.

[justwhoiam]

You're right about the lies, but getting bothered because he's horny with you when you're around? I mean, he can try and hide that, but are you his girlfriend or what? If you get goosebumps, can you help it? It's just a reaction of your body. So is a boner for him. I don't think he can help it. You can tell him you don't want PDA in public because you get embarassed. And not to rub himself against you. But he can't help getting an erection, I'm afraid. So, you either start understanding a male body, or maybe you're better off without a boyfriend.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure if he's in love with you. And that should be your main concern right now. I know for a fact that if you don't see anything with him, you're bound to break up soon. What different cultures are you talking about?

[LeonatheWriter]

I understand guys getting horny, my point is he was just rubbing himself against me when I repeatedly told him to stop. When I tried to talk to him and, you know, have normal conversation, he would try to do more sexual things with/on my body.

 

We're currently not speaking but I will have a long talk with him about those messages before I break it off. It's going to be difficult because he's a good talker (he's currently in law school, and the girl he was messaging was one of his classmates) and I don't know how I'll let it go.

I think you're all right though, we both need to grow up. Thank you for all your comments!

Edited August 2, 2014 by LeonatheWriter

[TAV]

I understand guys getting horny, my point is he was just rubbing himself against me when I repeatedly told him to stop. When I tried to talk to him and, you know, have normal conversation, he would try to do more sexual things with/on my body.

 

We're currently not speaking but I will have a long talk with him about those messages before I break it off. It's going to be difficult because he's a good talker (he's currently in law school, and the girl he was messaging was one of his classmates) and I don't know how I'll let it go.

I think you're all right though, we both need to grow up. Thank you for all your comments!

 

He's clearly not respecting your boundaries, sexual or otherwise.

 

I don't want to make light of your OP but it made me laugh and shake my head when you started out naming his good qualities as in the fact he stays up all night to talk to you or spend time with you and further down the line I read that he is never around when you need him, he does not really listen to what you say (but gives you romantic bs instead) and lately even has been preoccupied whilst chatting to you on Skype.

 

Your instincts are telling you indeed that he is not all that you thought he would be. Let him go. I'm sure he will get over the 'heartbreak'.

 

Lesson learned, girl, move on.

[Tbisb74]

Law is a three-letter word. So is Ego.

I am acquainted with a very wide social circle of people all within the Legal Sector. Don't ask me how, it's a long story..... However, the testosterone in the room, if three or more are gathered together, is palpable. The Egos tangible and the competitive spirit overwhelming. All they talk about is Law and all they subtly do is score points against each other, on what they know, who they know and what the latest legislation is within the Employment/Human Rights/Landlords & Tenants Act is.... to name but three specialist subjects. You are engaging with a man whom I believe, from personal experience, will always put his own needs first, and cleverly articulates matters in such a way as to engineer an advantage to his own ends. If law is his chosen profession, he's exactly the kind of man who would say "well, enough about me, let's talk about you - how do you like my shirt?" Or if you say to him, "May I ask you a couple of questions?" will reply, "Yes; what's your second question?"

Just a warning.