blue_jay_bird Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Okay so i'm new to dating, so please don't be too hard on me. I'v been dating this guy for a month, so after five dates. Well I slept with him. I should have thought things through, but..yada yada, yada. Anyways. I'm feeling a bit insecure about the whole thing. Worried that this is all going to end up being about sex. That all he wants is sex. I should have talked to him about this before sex. Yeah.. But, I don't even know how to talk about it. Basically, I don't want to come off needy, aka; what type of relationship are you looking for, I'm I the only one you are seeing. But, I guess those are my questions. How do I go about asking these things? I took the advice, don't take dating seriously, just have fun. I'm not having fun anymore. I feel exposed. This results in my crawling away and showing a extremely casual attitude towards him. ( Im not playing games, its a defence mechanism. ) I know I have to set some lines up, and expectations before this become a casual f u c k fest. What do I do and say? Link to post Share on other sites
nerdlingZA Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Did he satisfy you ? Just ask him what kind of relationship is he looking for, that's only 1 question u won't appear needy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 As a woman, having sex too early with a man before establishing a relationship, gives away your power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Simply amazes me that people can get naked and have sex, but can't TALK about it. Approach the talk with the same ease you got each other's clothing off. Or, have the talk naked. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 As a woman, having sex too early with a man before establishing a relationship, gives away your power. This is a blanket term to describe a sexual script that pre-dates history. I'v had sex before establishing a relationship which has empowered me. Sexual revolution anyone.. regardless, the title of my post stated women, sex = power. and it still have validity. Yes, he satisfied me. It was good. Hence it's 2 in the morning and im posting of this shi ty form. Yes, its easy to get naked and have sex, rather then to talk about emotions. I don't know how this is surprising. People kill each other over feelings. You don't about the crappy one night stand that ended in murder. meh, empty advice. Lets get rdy to f u ck this up. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 This is a blanket term to describe a sexual script that pre-dates history. I'v had sex before establishing a relationship which has empowered me. Sexual revolution anyone.. regardless, the title of my post stated women, sex = power. and it still have validity. Yes, he satisfied me. It was good. Hence it's 2 in the morning and im posting of this shi ty form. Yes, its easy to get naked and have sex, rather then to talk about emotions. I don't know how this is surprising. People kill each other over feelings. You don't about the crappy one night stand that ended in murder. meh, empty advice. Lets get rdy to f u ck this up. Sorry, you don't sound too empowered right now, or else you wouldn't have made this thread. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I don't know what kind of power you are talking about as I can't see any! Is it the kind of power that paralyzes you and stops you from doing what your mind wants you to. The power of the idiotic heart! Why do you need to ask him anyway? You can say simply like this: I am looking for a real relationship not just a sextual one. And he'll either disappear after that announcement or stick around and really only time will tell you if he's serous or not. People back down 5 minutes before going to the alter. So, it's not a big deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I think the best way for you to feel empowered is to actually not ask him what type of relationship he is looking for, but to state what you are looking for. To yourself, own that you had casual sex with this guy. No need for shame! Just own that you enjoyed it for what it was; but, after trying it, it just doesn't fit into the kind of lifestyle you want. You enjoy the physical connection, but you're also looking for a multi-dimensional connection that includes doing things together outside of the bedroom. So from this place of confidence, you can tell him as much. See what he says! From his verbal and non-verbal cues and subsequent actions (e.g. he invites you out; wants to do things with you; is curious about who you are and wants to get to know you as a person, etc.), you'll have a better idea if you want to proceed getting to know him better, too. Good luck and keep us updated! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I would just slow down next time things start heating up and then state what you are looking for. But that's me.. I don't think it has anything to do with 'power'. It sounds like you regret it but I don't think you should because whether or not you had sex 'too early' is probably not going to make a difference on whether or not thing progress into a relationship. Possibly that's just my thought process.. sorry if it is no help. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 This results in my crawling away and showing a extremely casual attitude towards him. ( Im not playing games, its a defence mechanism. ) I would try to lose this defence mechanism. He will read that the way you don't want this relationship to turn out and act accordingly (which is a defence mechanism of his own). But I think you know already what to do and bring it up someway. Maybe ask him out to dinner, that is at least some non bedroom activity. Bring it up, than sleep with him. Beginning RS are all about sex and that's the best of the RS history Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 It's all relative on "How soon" it is to have sex. If people are hitting it off pretty well, and clicking pretty good...5 dates isn't so bad...and it depends how long you're on these dates...is it an all day date or some short movie date? There are certain dynamics, that I think, build over time. I have known people to have dates sooner than THAT that wound up in a 2 or 3 year relationship with said person. Just because you have sex sooner than others doesn't mean it'll wind up in a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 What do I do and say? Two approaches: One: You could have some dates that don't involve sex. Perhaps during the day rather than during the evening... and perhaps when you already have other plans (with your friends, not another date) for the evening so that you can't get carried away and and up back in the bedroom. Two: Is the sex good? Do you like it? Start a conversation that way... establish that he likes sex with you and then see what else he'd like to do with you outside the bedroom. Finally, based on the thread topic, I'm not really sure that it's good to think of it in terms of a power struggle because that leads towards someone having to win, or at least be ahead in the game. Something more mutual and moving forwards together is probably more healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I'v been dating this guy for a month, so after five dates. Well I slept with him. This is a very normal delay. Having sex on your first date would have put this relationship at risk of becoming only about sex but not after 1 month and 5 dates. A man wanting just sex doesn't wait that long just to get laid. Anyways. I'm feeling a bit insecure about the whole thing. Worried that this is all going to end up being about sex. That all he wants is sex. I should have talked to him about this before sex. Yeah.. Do you have any real reason to worry other than your negative view of sex and men? Did he change his communication pattern? Does he seem uninterested suddenly? But, I don't even know how to talk about it. Basically, I don't want to come off needy, aka; what type of relationship are you looking for, I'm I the only one you are seeing. Asking what type of relationship he is looking for is not needy. It's a legitimate question. You ask it just like this, with no flafla around. If this man likes you asking him a few questions won't chase him away. Now be ready that he is looking for something serious but is not quite ready to call you his girlfriend in front of the world after 5 dates. I think the important at this point is to establish sexual exclusivity and let your relationship develop naturally. This results in my crawling away and showing a extremely casual attitude towards him. ( Im not playing games, its a defence mechanism. ) That's bad, you need to correct that. You're the one sending him vibes that you want distance after sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 The fact that it seems like you didn't talk about anything meaningful within 5 dates seems like your biggest mistake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 The fact that it seems like you didn't talk about anything meaningful within 5 dates seems like your biggest mistake. ^^ it's not often ninja chooses to get his point across in less than 8 paragraphs, but it's good when he does 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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