Marli2 Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Have been seeing this guy for about 3 years.. he is a life long bachelor aged 55 with no kids... I am divorced, raised a family and 5 years younger. He is a heavy drinker and puts a lot of priority on his drinking buddies and his loyalty to these guys is incredibly over the top. He is particularly close to one of his buddies who is well off and this guy spends a lot of money entertaining my boyfriend and takes him to sporting events, concerts, dinners, lunches etc..and I am never included. My boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with this and tells me I should be happy for him ! and quit being so jealous.. I try very hard to be supportive of this friendship but I am beginning to feel that he is just using me and keeps me in his back pocket for the days when he is tired or hungover or when he is wanting to have sex.. whenever I bring up my feelings to him. he tells me I am nagging (no) or he gives me the silent treatment for days and doesn't text or call.. any advice or thoughts would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 So he doesnt care about your well being? He doesnt support you emotionally? He wouldnt help you if something was wrong? He doesnt listen to you? He doesnt give you the sex you want too? He doesnt care a lick about your dreams? If all these are true, you should hurry up and leave him. If not, you are probably jealous of his friendship Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I don't think you should stay, since he doesn't make you happy. The heavy drinking problem with the buddies is a lifestyle, not likely to stop. And I am also thinking, stay with him, and find yourself playing nurse when his liver finally calls it quit. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 The thing about heavy drinkers is that is their life. It might look on the outside like it's just a social thing he does with his pals, but in fact, if he's a heavy drinker, the pals and socializing is just the reason - or the cover - for him to be able to drink. If you look at it through the lens of addiction rather than romance, then he's not just an insensitive and self-involved boyfriend, but a person who will do anything to protect the drinking that is his lifeline as an addict. So, maybe he's afraid if you come along, he won't be able to drink freely? Maybe he fears having to cut back and be more responsible if he engages in a committed relationship with you. Maybe he fears being revealed for the actual amount he drinks. Of course you know how it impacts on him after three years of dating, but the alcoholic always believes somehow they are fooling everyone. Unless you are very close to them - physically, emotionally, etc - then they realize there can be fewer secrets adn their drinking is put at risk. I may be overstating the case; maybe he doesn't drink that much. Maybe he is just a boorish boyfriend and you should think whether you want a companion who spends time wiht you and really adds to your life, or are satisfied to settle for being perpetually cast as the nagging gf who is left behind while he goes out and has fun. Or maybe he's got a much more serious problem. That will also require some hard thought: life with an alcoholic means you will always be second best to the bottle. All things in their life, are organized around the bottle, one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Sounds like a selfish man to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marli2 Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 The thing about heavy drinkers is that is their life. It might look on the outside like it's just a social thing he does with his pals, but in fact, if he's a heavy drinker, the pals and socializing is just the reason - or the cover - for him to be able to drink. If you look at it through the lens of addiction rather than romance, then he's not just an insensitive and self-involved boyfriend, but a person who will do anything to protect the drinking that is his lifeline as an addict. So, maybe he's afraid if you come along, he won't be able to drink freely? Maybe he fears having to cut back and be more responsible if he engages in a committed relationship with you. Maybe he fears being revealed for the actual amount he drinks. Of course you know how it impacts on him after three years of dating, but the alcoholic always believes somehow they are fooling everyone. Unless you are very close to them - physically, emotionally, etc - then they realize there can be fewer secrets adn their drinking is put at risk. I may be overstating the case; maybe he doesn't drink that much. Maybe he is just a boorish boyfriend and you should think whether you want a companion who spends time wiht you and really adds to your life, or are satisfied to settle for being perpetually cast as the nagging gf who is left behind while he goes out and has fun. Or maybe he's got a much more serious problem. That will also require some hard thought: life with an alcoholic means you will always be second best to the bottle. All things in their life, are organized around the bottle, one way or another. Poppygoodwill.. You have accurately called this situation that I am dealing with... I drink very little and he does make sure to do his drinking with others who are just like him.. Last week I found out that he went into business with this rich buddy and another fellow.. he now tells me that he is going out for "business meetings" (Hooters) to wine and dine potential new clients.. I just shake my head... another excuse to go drink Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectStorm Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 This sounds like my very soon to be ex husband. After a year of separation the divorce should be final this next month. He calls his friends his "family." Too bad we already had a real family together. He wants the comfort of a relationship & the freedom of a single guy. You know the benefits without the accountability. He has a drinking problem but seems to like the drinking problem more than me. Some advice from someone that got in way too deep with a guy like this. You can't change him. He won't change. Get out while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 The fact that after 3 years you're asking if he's interested in a relationship is your answer. You've enabled this for so long no wonder he feels no reason for effort or commitment to you. At 50 you should be in a relationship that is mature, fulfilling and nourishing you. I'm not far behind you but I would hate to be investing the best years of my life with BS. I'd rather be alone than have a semi-something that makes me feel like crap all the time. His drinking habits and socializing isn't going to change. At 55, nothing much changes. "I try very hard to be supportive of this friendship but I am beginning to feel that he is just using me and keeps me in his back pocket for the days when he is tired or hungover or when he is wanting to have sex.." Why do you try very hard when you don't get the support back? Is this truly your definition of a "friendship" if you feel he only uses you for sex and other needs? Let's be honest. And yes, he keeps you around to fulfill those needs that he has. Listen to your instincts -- I wish I had because I could have saved myself from a lot of heartbreak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marli2 Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 This sounds like my very soon to be ex husband. After a year of separation the divorce should be final this next month. He calls his friends his "family." Too bad we already had a real family together. He wants the comfort of a relationship & the freedom of a single guy. You know the benefits without the accountability. He has a drinking problem but seems to like the drinking problem more than me. Some advice from someone that got in way too deep with a guy like this. You can't change him. He won't change. Get out while you can. Thank You PerfectStorm...fortunately we still keep separate residences.. I could never live with him. Funny how these buddies all disappeared when he needed to build a new garage and fence.. yet he places such high regard for them ... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 My goodness Marli. You have raised a family that is a lot of work and dedication and very little time for yourself most your adult life, you have gone through a divorce which means you've had to deal with some serious crap in that marriage. Finally you come out of it all at 50 when it's time to relax, enjoy life, to pamper yourself and what do you do? You get yourself a self centered alcoholic. Explain that to me, or better, try to explain it to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 You don't sound like you are very happy with him to begin with. Even if he was stone cold sober all the time and had friends who were into wholesome activities (ex. going to church) would you be ok with that? I don't know enough about you to make that call. You either have to be ok with some things or you don't. Sometimes we have to ask the universe for things, and sometimes the answer is no. Link to post Share on other sites
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