Him:Medical resident always busy/Me: feeling useless n needy.

[DeluxeYou]

Help me! Right now he's been MIA for a whole week after promising to get in touch with me. Now I just can't insist on having his attention/time because we're still just friends. I'm not asking for too much. Just a few weekly texts or mail or calls. I'm afraid I'm going to turn needy in this relationship. It seems like when we're away from each other, I'm almost always the one to initiate contact and I don't want this to happen all the time.Here's the story:

 

Enamored of this guy for 2 months now. We haven't had the 'what are we?' talk yet, but we've been on a few dates (he's always the one to initiate it) and talked A LOT. We're long distance, but I spend a few days in his town every month.

 

I don't want to go over all the details, so to cut a long story short:

 

He's ALWAYS busy with residency issues, religious issues, family issues.

 

Sometimes, I feel like there's no place for me in his life. Since I can't call myself his gf yet I can't hold him responsible for being so absent.

 

He knows I love the attention (I've teased him several times about his being busy ) and he always apologizes profusely and it sounds sincere to me. I did some research and knew perfectly what I was getting myself into, so I'm asking for the minimum!

 

Hell, I miss him so much it hurts! I just spent the whole week without reading him/hearing his voice.

 

I have abandonment issues and I have a history of being extremely needy ONLY WHEN the person I love is "missing". And this too, I can't tell him yet cos I'm virtually nothing more than a "good friend" for the meantime.

 

PS I was planning to let him know about my feelings but he has his last exams next week and I didn't want to bother him with this. So I'm waiting till the end of the month to tell him. But hell how do I keep him close?

Edited July 25, 2014 by DeluxeYou

[ThorntonMelon]

Honestly, it seems to me you should be able to have that conversation with him at some point in the future. You have the right to tell him what you need. He has the right to let you know his thoughts.

 

But if he's Mr Right you can communicate your needs freely with him.

[smackie9]

TBH he is a waste of time. If a guy is too busy, doesn't get in touch with you, and only been out on a few dates with you, isn't worth all the fuss, especially if your expectations are not being met. He isn't THAT interested if he hasn't stepped up. Have some self worth and find someone who IS available and emotionally ready to have a realtionship, wanting the same things as you do. It's a no brainer.

[lollipopspot]

I have abandonment issues and I have a history of being extremely needy ONLY WHEN the person I love is "missing".

 

This isn't the guy for you. He's not present, he's not trying to get in touch with you to reassure you, etc. This is only going to bring more neediness and heartache - you know it already.

[Assasda]

Help me! Right now he's been MIA for a whole week after promising to get in touch with me. Now I just can't insist on having his attention/time because we're still just friends. I'm not asking for too much. Just a few weekly texts or mail or calls. I'm afraid I'm going to turn needy in this relationship. It seems like when we're away from each other, I'm almost always the one to initiate contact and I don't want this to happen all the time.Here's the story:

 

Enamored of this guy for 2 months now. We haven't had the 'what are we?' talk yet, but we've been on a few dates (he's always the one to initiate it) and talked A LOT. We're long distance, but I spend a few days in his town every month.

 

I don't want to go over all the details, so to cut a long story short:

 

He's ALWAYS busy with residency issues, religious issues, family issues.

 

Sometimes, I feel like there's no place for me in his life. Since I can't call myself his gf yet I can't hold him responsible for being so absent.

 

He knows I love the attention (I've teased him several times about his being busy ) and he always apologizes profusely and it sounds sincere to me. I did some research and knew perfectly what I was getting myself into, so I'm asking for the minimum!

 

Hell, I miss him so much it hurts! I just spent the whole week without reading him/hearing his voice.

 

I have abandonment issues and I have a history of being extremely needy ONLY WHEN the person I love is "missing". And this too, I can't tell him yet cos I'm virtually nothing more than a "good friend" for the meantime.

 

PS I was planning to let him know about my feelings but he has his last exams next week and I didn't want to bother him with this. So I'm waiting till the end of the month to tell him. But hell how do I keep him close?

 

Tell him that you'd like to see him more. Tell him that youre feeling what he's putting down and ask him out to a date

[CarrieT]

He's in residency to be a doctor?

 

This could be his life for YEARS.

 

If you don't want this feeling to continue, let him go and work on finding someone who has more time for relationships.

p.s. I'm married to a surgeon. I'm comfortable in a relationship where sometimes I have to take a backseat to the job.

[stillafool]

Since he career keeps him extremely busy I doubt he is going to want a needy gf. I also think that if this guy were as interested in you as you are in him he would find time during the week to contact you. He couldn't help himself if he felt the same way you do.

[torturedartist]

Help me! Right now he's been MIA for a whole week after promising to get in touch with me. Now I just can't insist on having his attention/time because we're still just friends. I'm not asking for too much. Just a few weekly texts or mail or calls. I'm afraid I'm going to turn needy in this relationship. It seems like when we're away from each other, I'm almost always the one to initiate contact and I don't want this to happen all the time.Here's the story:

 

Enamored of this guy for 2 months now. We haven't had the 'what are we?' talk yet, but we've been on a few dates (he's always the one to initiate it) and talked A LOT. We're long distance, but I spend a few days in his town every month.

 

I don't want to go over all the details, so to cut a long story short:

 

He's ALWAYS busy with residency issues, religious issues, family issues.

 

Sometimes, I feel like there's no place for me in his life. Since I can't call myself his gf yet I can't hold him responsible for being so absent.

 

He knows I love the attention (I've teased him several times about his being busy ) and he always apologizes profusely and it sounds sincere to me. I did some research and knew perfectly what I was getting myself into, so I'm asking for the minimum!

 

Hell, I miss him so much it hurts! I just spent the whole week without reading him/hearing his voice.

 

I have abandonment issues and I have a history of being extremely needy ONLY WHEN the person I love is "missing". And this too, I can't tell him yet cos I'm virtually nothing more than a "good friend" for the meantime.

 

PS I was planning to let him know about my feelings but he has his last exams next week and I didn't want to bother him with this. So I'm waiting till the end of the month to tell him. But hell how do I keep him close?

 

What I'm reading is a difference in the needs of two people, maybe as a result of the place each of you are in your lives. You're wanting a full-time, very committed relationship, and he's not. Sometimes the need to have that comes later for men.

 

Also, part of your being so enamored with him may be coming from his unavailability to you. He's being "hard to get" right now, and whether he's doing it on purpose or not, I believe you like the chase.

 

My suggestion is to give no more than he's willing to give at this point. If that means to relationship fizzles, so be it. Otherwise you'd be starting off on the wrong foot, where you're going 80% and he's only going 20%. Your relationship with him would always be unbalanced and unfair to you.

 

Hope that helps.

[preraph]

Medical and law students don't have time for any extracurricular activity for YEARS. Residency is grueling. He needs to sleep when he's not working. There are plenty of relationships that went bad during all that. Fact is they are going to trade up once they become a doctor anyway because doctors and lawyers can really get women, so don't waste the best years of your life taking the scraps because this goes on for years -- and with doctors, it really never ends. You will raise the kids alone except he'll think since he has the money he gets to call the shots -- but he will rarely ever be home actually doing anything. And his excuse will always trump yours: I'm saving lives. I would say unless you're a person who is very happy and able to be alone most of the time and always come second to the job, don't marry a doctor.

 

My nextdoor neighbor, the wife is the doctor and the man is a stay-at-home dad. You don't see her for days at a time -- and she's not even that highly paid. Some are, but you can't assume it anymore because hospitals hire the cheapest ones they can find, usually importing them. I'll say this: If you want to see them at all, better move into an apartment right across from the hospital.

Edited July 26, 2014 by preraph

[lollipopspot]

Fact is they are going to trade up once they become a doctor anyway because doctors and lawyers can really get women, so don't waste the best years of your life taking the scraps because this goes on for years -- and with doctors, it really never ends.

 

I don't know about the trading up part. I'm not that great and I've gotten a doctor and a lawyer to fall for me.

[Blade96]

He's too busy to even write one little five letter word "hello?" or even can't chat, busy but just one short sentence, I'm thinking of you"? Bull. I not the sharpest tool in the shed, but neither was I born yesterday. Nobody's that busy they can't write even one single word to let you know you are not forgotten. I had 2 guys chasing me, a Ukrainian and a Belorussian. (Theywere my fb friends.) ever since I met the Ukrainian, in January, he'd always disappear for months claiming work issues (he's a teacher) Nobody's that busy. I call bulls**t. The guy from Belarus however, works just as much, and long hours, yet he writes me every single day, just to say hello and never forgets about me, changed his fb relationship status, for me, even in font of the hundreds of friends he has on fb and VK (the russian version of fb) skypes with me and looks at me with love always (not an i want sex" look but with love gentleness and respect, (and yes I have seen his face, heard his voicehe hides nothing) and every single day we write each other. He never fails to show, not just tell, that he loves me.

 

Meanwhile the Ukrainian guy had always been inconsistent, not online for months, did not change a relationship status for me, added me as "sister" not "in a relationship with"

 

and of course the subject of this thread, disappears for months not weeks or even days. And he can't use the war as an excuse because he was like that months before.

 

Guess which guy I chose?

[guest569]

It's only been a few dates so I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. This profession is super tough and he will likely keep up this behaviour. Yes, a 5 minute text is probably a lot to ask if he has been working for 14 hours every day and hasn't eaten or slept yet. But more so because you are just dating.. My advice is, if you want to go further with this guy, get used to weekly or fortnightly catch ups with little contact in between. You could stop initiating contact and see what happens? If he reaches out then he is interested.

 

P.S. Not sure I would recommend a long distance relationship, let alone with a junior doctor, to someone who is even slightly needy.

Edited July 26, 2014 by smiley1

[DeluxeYou]

Thanks to all posters. I'm grateful for your input. I'm seeing other dimensions of the whole issue. Thanks also to those who know a bit about the realities of the medical world. I think it all boils down to the fact that I have to open up and tell him my feelings and my needs and see where he stands. Maybe all I really need is a confirmation of his feelings for me and reassurance from time to time, the normal thing.

 

I think what informed some comments is the fact that I left some valuable info out in the original post.

 

This guy is in his last year. He's been through a dozen years already and he'll be appointed as an ophthalmologist next year. I felt that being in this area of practice would give him a bit more time to be with me and family, in case, and that was a slight relief.

 

I also should have mentioned that we tried this relationship thing 3 years ago. He was also the one to initiate it, but the whole thing fizzled because of the same problem.

 

The difference with now is only the fact that I did research and I don't believe anymore that he does it because he doesn't care. In a recent conversation, he said he was grateful that I was being patient this time around and not allowing his absence to "discourage" me. I guess this time I'm feeling bad about it because he specifically said "I'll get in touch" but hasn't done so in a week (he didn't give a time frame but I believe a week is reasonable.) Since he said he will get in touch, I don't think it's a good idea for me to contact him BEFORE he does.

 

My first post related my concerns about only one aspect: when we're apart.When I'm with him, he still does not initiate communication but rather takes huge steps: invite me out (when he sees me at religious gatherings), visits me when I'm home with my family (This is a big deal in the part of the world where I live). I should have mentioned that Internet connection is hard to get where he's been posted now and phone calls are quite expensive. Texts have a difficult time going through.

 

So on my side it's far easier to get in touch. On his part, it's MUCH more difficult but not impossible.

 

What I'm deploring is my current inability to get him to initiate communication more and let me know that I'm not forgotten. The last time, for instance, I called him when he was a work and first thing he said is that he had been thinking about me when I called.

 

Maybe I should have put in an enticing way: "I'd have loved to hear that, next time call me up?" I hope I'll get another opportunity to do that, cos I don't feel it is right or appropriate for me to ask him to keep in touch when I'm technically not his gf.

Edited July 26, 2014 by DeluxeYou

[todreaminblue]

I think you have come to some pretty good decisions on what you are going to do deluxe , i feel you should be open with him , and to me he really sounds interested in you it is a tough field to have a relationship or start one with study attached, so hang in there....i wish you luck...deb

[Poppygoodwill]

I'll be honest with you...given all the challenges that you're up against - his long and demanding work hours, the distance between you, and the trouble getting through by email, phone, text...really it's hard to see how this can go anywhere.

 

You've got to keep it in perspective and I'd say put your hopes elsewhere.

 

I also think it's interesting that you'd even pursue this given your fears of abandonment. We keep repeating the same patterns in our lives because they are familiar to us, even if we know they are unhealthy for us. Many women would shrug and walk away from a situation such as this, knowing that it's going to be too tough to pursue and better just to smile and wave goodbye. But for some reason you want to tackle what looks insurmountable - with the predictable outcome that you will feel abandoned. And even along the way - day to day - you feel that way becuase it's so difficult to be in touch with him.

 

so you are consciously entering into a situation that creates angst for you, that pushes one of your main buttons.

 

Forget about him for a minute....I'd like to know why you think you're doing that? What are you getting out of always being a bit anxious? Why not - for self preservation - just cut it off?

(ps. the answer isn't, "becuase I like him" because there are lots of guys to like, and your peace of mind is more important than liking a guy to start with...)

[DeluxeYou]

Thanks for your opinion, poppy.

[CarrieT]

This guy is in his last year. He's been through a dozen years already and he'll be appointed as an ophthalmologist next year. I felt that being in this area of practice would give him a bit more time to be with me and family, in case, and that was a slight relief.

You know back on Reply #7 where I told you I was married to a surgeon? Well, my husband is an ophthalmologist - an eye surgeon...

 

Depending on your guy's chosen specialty (if he has one) and what direction he decides to take his career, his area of interest may have no bearing on being able to start a family.

 

My husband has had his own, private practice for 20 years so he is lucky to be able to make his own hours (sort of), employing three optometrists. But he is also on-call to the surgery center and hospital where he does the cataract and retina surgeries (they are not done in-office).

 

Today is Saturday - well, heck, it is almost 7:00 in the evening - and I'm home alone because he had to go to the hospital to check on a patient who is in ICU with a life-threatening staff infection in the eye. We might get to spend tomorrow together, but I know he has to file the electronic medical records reports on the patients he has in surgery on Monday morning.

 

The clincher? My husband has already had his children. They are teenagers whom we have every-other-week. Those child-bearing years - with his ex-wife - were apparently far more hectic than what I am experiencing.

 

Does this help you at all see the life of a doctor's wife?

[Els]

Help me! Right now he's been MIA for a whole week after promising to get in touch with me.

 

I understand full well the schedule of a medical/surgical resident, but there is still time for a text in the space of 7 days. Heck there is time for a phone call most days, except maybe if he is doing a 24 hour+ call. Trust me on this.

 

Enamored of this guy for 2 months now. We haven't had the 'what are we?' talk yet, but we've been on a few dates (he's always the one to initiate it) and talked A LOT. We're long distance, but I spend a few days in his town every month.

 

I don't think it sounds like he's into you, to be honest. Sorry, but that's the impression I get from what you've said about your contact with him. I think he just views you as someone he's casually dating, it doesn't seem like he wants to take things further or be in a committed relationship.

[DeluxeYou]

Thanks Elswyth. Did you read my second post though?

[DeluxeYou]

Hey Carrie! missed your post! It's true cos now thinking about it, he has a license for general medical practice also and he's been working with various hospitals. I don't know...I like him so much though...hmmm

[CarrieT]

Well, have you heard from him yet?

 

Seems like the only thing you can do is wait and see. The more you chase, the more it will drive him away - IF he is to be the one.

 

Alternately, early in me dating my doctor, he made time for me... There was an occasion where he came home from the yearly convention. His plane landed at 11:00 at night. He called to see if I was still awake and then asked if he could come see me. At that time, I was a 90-mile drive from the airport. He drove it and arrived shortly before 1:00 a.m.

 

The clincher? He had surgeries the next morning and drove BACK to the city to be in surgery by 7:00 a.m. Probably not the smartest move on his part, but it was the first two months of us dating and we couldn't get enough of each other. He found the time to be with me and we compromised a lot to see each other.

 

When/If your doctor wants it, he will go get it and not before.

[DeluxeYou]

Yeah, I see. My issue is that we're not even at the beginning of anything yet. If he confirms we're more than friends, then I'd expect him to do certain things.

 

To answer your question: I couldn't waint:o

 

I called him today and we had a little chat. Nothing important. I was only craving his voice. He said he had his final exam, the very last one he has to write, next week and he hasn't had time to study well for it.

 

I know that's no excuse but I kindda understand. I felt ashamed though. I've become like a drug addict.

[CarrieT]

I've become like a drug addict.

I totally understand and have been there...

 

The problem with that feeling is that the "relationship" as you see it and want it is entirely in your head and the more you feed the drug of desire, the worse it gets.

 

I had it with a guy (not my husband) and the ending of THAT relationship is what brought me to LS. It was toxic but my feelings and desires for that guy was exactly like that drug you mention.

 

But, like any drug, the best thing you could do is quit cold turkey. I know you probably won't because - as you said - you can't help yourself. As much as you should help yourself. I know what is going on in your head; the day-dreaming, fantasizing, hoping...

 

Stop building in your mind the idea of a relationship because there isn't one yet. See if you can play a game with yourself to hold out contacting him until he reaches out to you. He will want you more if he has to do the chasing. You will be far less desirable if you are at his heels, lapping and begging like a pup.

[DeluxeYou]

Stop building in your mind the idea of a relationship because there isn't one yet. See if you can play a game with yourself to hold out contacting him until he reaches out to you. He will want you more if he has to do the chasing. You will be far less desirable if you are at his heels, lapping and begging like a pup.

 

Oh Carrie, I know this so well...I'd have recited this paragraph word after word to someone else in the situation, yet when it comes to its application it's so hard. So now I'm telling myself that I'm not going to run after him anymore. Let's see how long I hold on after today's shot .

[DeluxeYou]

A little bit of a back ground: I'm 30. Have been spending time with my guy friend who just had his very last medical exams. I've been waiting for these exams, because I knew he'd be more relaxed and less stressed after.

 

So next week, I'm taking my nephew and niece to an out of town excursion in an exotic area. I've invited him to come with us and he's yet to confirm (he's looking for some replacement for his weekend calls).

 

I'm planning to be simple about it. We would have loads of fun and when we get the chance to be together, I'll ask him by saying something like: "You know, I feel really good when I'm around you. Can we be more than friends?"

 

Any advice or thought on my plan will be appreciated.