Being vulnerable

[avoforastig]

I'm currently dating a woman who reminds me in many, many ways of another woman I dated for 3 years, including a co-habitation of 1 year. The former gf crushed me when we broke up. This is not to say there aren't key differences between the two, but I find myself being extra pre-cautious due to there similarities in personality. I find myself a bit fearful of becoming fully vulnerable after being hurt so badly in the past by a similar woman. I'm not hung up on the old gf at all, but the mental scars still remain.

 

I think overall its probably good they are similar. It probably means we are compatible. However, how can one be vulnerable again after being hurt deeply?

[Gaeta]

Why do you want or need to be vulnerable? When we got hurt a few times it's suppose to make us stronger and wiser. I know I will never be vulnerable the way I used to, even if I tried. With each relationship passing we change. You're not the man you used to be with your ex-gf therefore you should be better equipped to understand and manage this current relationship.

[Assasda]

I dont understand about being vulnerable either.

What are you on about?

[A O]

I'm currently dating a woman who reminds me in many, many ways of another woman I dated for 3 years, including a co-habitation of 1 year. The former gf crushed me when we broke up. This is not to say there aren't key differences between the two, but I find myself being extra pre-cautious due to there similarities in personality. I find myself a bit fearful of becoming fully vulnerable after being hurt so badly in the past by a similar woman. I'm not hung up on the old gf at all, but the mental scars still remain.

 

I think overall its probably good they are similar. It probably means we are compatible. However, how can one be vulnerable again after being hurt deeply?

Once bitten, twice shy as the saying goes Being vulnerable,, being open to feelings and so forth is just part and parcel of forming relationships.

 

Where you can help yourself is through working out what went wrong in your earlier relationship and what part your girlfriend and yourself had to play in that and then working on these areas to ensure that they either don't happen again or that you're better able to manage them if they do crop up again. Mind you, this is all easier said than done, it can take a lot a soul searching and a lot of thinking to be able to effectively analyse relationship short-comings.

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree with the other poster....the most important factor in getting hurt is *You*.

 

You are not the same person you were back then, presumably you have learned from that experience, and so you won't make the same mistakes and decisions that got you there.

 

It's always easy to focus on the person who did us wrong, but truth is if we look hard enough we can see that we might have ignored signs that something was wrong...that we chose to carry on even if we had a bad feeling about things....all those parts of the experience that we had the power over.

 

When you think of that, you realize: oh, I would never do that again! And then you can relax because you know that even if this woman were to do exactly the same thing to you, you would react differently. it wouldn't go as far, you'd catch it earlier, you'd be better prepared, etc.

 

She might be similar, but you are different. That's the important part.

[Eivuwan]

Are the similarities things that are harmful to relationships, or are they just random similarities? If it is the former than you might want to question your patterns in choosing partners. If it is the latter, then well, give it time. You don't have to trust someone completely right away.

[todreaminblue]

to truly love someone you have to be open to them and that means being vulnerable to getting hurt again, and its not something you can get back it never leaves unless ti dies and that is a different scenario....to feel vulnerable again is easy you just open yourself up to be hurt at heart level....and throw prayer into the wind that you wont get hurt.....for if your heart wants to take the risk you have to let it take the risk, you have to let your defenses down and hope fro the best and get ready fro the battle if you do get hurt.....

 

for me it is once i find the right guy... it is inevitable my heart is there ready to be loved and to love which is in all reality vulnerability....i think you have to protect yrou heart from people who intentionally set out to hurt others.....unintentional hurts are always going to happen......knowing someone better allows vulnerability to grow that takes time and effort adn understanding someone on a deeper level....you never lose vulnerability you just wall it up...when vulnerability dies....your heart cannot love or be loved.....because its empty there.....there are nto many actually empty hearted people in the world they are a minority and i have a theroy they are actually demons in disguise........deb