How do I get the message across, and am I asking for too much?

[dolceamourr]

I've been with my bf for 5 months. For him, this is the longest and most "serious" relationship he's been in, as all of his previous "relationships" have fallen apart within a month or 2 at the most. This is my shortest and least serious relationship.

 

We've had a few issues. First, he really overreacts any time I have an issue to address with him. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and that I can't tell him if something upsets me. He's said he wants this to be "different" from his past relationships, but I feel like I'm always about to hit a "quota" of arguments we can have before he gives up, even if they aren't really major. At the same time, when we're together he's really affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. I have zero suspicion of him being involved with anyone else.

 

None of our very few arguments have lasted for longer than a few minutes, but to him they're a BIG deal and he doesn't seem to know how to handle them calmly without jumping to drastic measures. While my approach is "Ok, I'm/you're upset, let's talk it out and resolve it," he seems to think it's always supposed to be without conflict, or the world is over.

 

Another issue is that he just doesn't seem to understand that a real relationship requires more than just seeing each other 1x a week on the weekend (unless there are legitimate circumstances). We both attend the same grad school, and are currently on summer break. We both work 9-5pm, LITERALLY 1 block away from one another. When I asked him if he would be willing to spend some more time with me (maybe 2x a week, nothing extreme), he again lost his cool and got really defensive. Eventually he calmed down and agreed. For the next 3 weeks, we saw one another 2x a week after work. Then this week, he told me that with his work schedule, it's just too overwhelming and he's "too tired", so we would need to figure something else out. Fine, I can work with that even though I have the exact same schedule and can somehow muster up the energy to see him.

 

But to me, it seems like a no brainer that we could maybe take a lunch break together 1x a week since we're so close! He takes one every day anyways, and that won't require him to stay out any later after work! I don't think that's asking for much. Still, he doesn't mention it. Just today I met up with a friend of mine who works at the SAME BUILDING he does for lunch, and I mentioned it to him in conversation. Apparently it either doesn't cross his mind, or he just doesn't want to. I know I could be direct and just ASK him to get lunch with me, but it seems so stupid to have to ask at this point. He should want to, and he should think to ask! Call me old fashioned, but it does not feel good to be the one pushing when it's just an obvious scenario, ESPECIALLY when I have already asked him to spend more time with me.

 

At this point I could mention getting lunch with him BUT: 1. If he really wanted to, he would have already asked me to get lunch with him, right? Plus, I'VE ALREADY approached him and let him know I want to spend more time with him. Do I really need to say it again? 2. He overreacts, and me mentioning this is potentially going to lead to another overreaction on his part. 3. I genuinely enjoy his personality and our time together so it's very hard to call it quits, but I'm also not as happy as I think I should be or could be.

 

What should I do? Am I asking for too much? Is this emotional immaturity on his part?

Edited July 23, 2014 by dolceamourr

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, I think you're finding out exactly why this guy has a history of brief, failed relationships. To use a cliche, he is emotionally unavailable and has a hair-trigger temper. You can't change that. It doesn't sound as though you're doing anything terrible to ignite him; this is who he is. Unfortunately, he isn't likely to change or see things your way unless and until he acknowledges that he's very much part of the problem. And you're right. If he wanted to see you, he would. He isn't a very supportive partner, is he?

 

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and feeling as though you can't talk to him without him exploding. He's got issues. What about your feelings? Are your needs being met? Doesn't sound like it. If you have tried to talk to him calmly and he still won't hear it, you're wasting your time.

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that. My ex-boyfriend was a lot like him. If you want to PM me, please do. I'm no expert but I can certainly lend an ear and share my experiences with you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

He doesn't sound interested in, or ready for this relationship. Once a week indicates either somebody so welded their space and free time they'll never really be happy with a full-on eventual relationship of living together, or a person who just isn't excited enough to see you.

 

When I'm into someone I really want to see them as much as possible. Usually it's been 3-4 times per week when I haven't been living with a guy, at the moment the guy I've been seeing since January I've seen every day since March. Everyone is different but once per week doesn't even sound like a relationship to me.

 

You probably just want different things. I'd bow out now. The resentment will only fester anyway.

[Tbisb74]

This is heading for a brick wall at 15 MpH. I'd hit the accelerator if I were you, and walk away from the crash still relatively unscathed. 5 months, and you're walking on eggshells? Sounds like a wonderful plan for a future to build on.

I think you need to cut this one off. But make it quick, clean and final.

 

And I hate to say it, but you can't be concerned about his reaction, how he will feel, what he will do, how he will react. All that, is his problem. Sounds like he will take it in his usual receptive way, whatever you say.

 

I don't know what your living arrangements are, but if you have anything at his place, remove it as soon as you can. Pack it into a bag, tell him this isn't working for you, you';re completely unhappy, and he needs to address his issues, and find out through therapy just why his relationships always end in failure. You tried your best, but you want to quit walking on egg-shells and modifying your attitude and behaviour to accommodate his frankly unreceptive and non-committal mood swings.

 

And leave. Go. Walk out. preferably into a vehicle where someone is waiting for you, so that you can leave in a "protected" way.

[Assasda]

This guy sounds totally normal.

 

seriously he does.

Tell him you want to have lunch with him. Thats all

[todreaminblue]

The only people who can resolve this are you and him together, if you care for him and want the relationship to continue you need to tell him what you feel...upi need to discuss and compromise ina reasonable manner with thoughtful ideas thrown around...you want to see him more tell him that......again...and say it really isnt working for you it is leaving you feel dissatistfied and what would he be willing to compromise on..

 

 

after five months i expect a guy i am with or for me for that matter to be able to ask to go to lunch together spur of the moment......

 

 

 

 

it should nto be hard and impossible to plan an impromptu meeting now and again and not feel like i cant do that i cant ring ring and say "hey whatcha doing for lunch want to have lunch together?" if he says nah cant im busy i would just say maybe another time then and have a great day...my day would go on.......

 

 

 

if a guy was constantly busy or unavailable i would consider the relationship to be a struggle from the beginning.......getting close to someone takes effort and time together......... for both to know communication styles and to have worked out ways to compromise and deal with discussions in a productive manner.....five months is a getting to know period where you work out styles of communication that each has...and make it work together with allowances for differences....one thing is necessary for all styles....and thats honesty...stops resentment confusion and insecurities from developing in a relationship...so be honest and try to work out what you both need to be satisfied in this relationship.Honestly only you and your bf can do that...no one on here has that capability to make this work, but you and him.....i wish you all the best..............deb

Edited July 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

I don't see the allure of staying with him. In the absence of conflict resolution skills, everything will always be a big drama when it shouldn't be. Life is too short.

 

In your early 20s a 9-5 job with no other responsibilities like kids, shouldn't be too tiring for an after work get together. What is this guy going to be like at 40 with kids to chase after?

 

Lunch once per week or more should be a no brainer.

[PegNosePete]

Well, I think you're finding out exactly why this guy has a history of brief, failed relationships.

Yep, exactly what I was thinking. He doesn't seem very good at building a proper, serious relationship. Do you want to teach him (accepting the possibility that he can't, won't, or doesn't want to learn), or find someone that already knows? I know I'd choose the latter.

 

It seems as though you are simply not looking for the same thing in a relationship. Time to move on.

[TXGuy]

Expecting him to read your mind about having lunch is an indication of emotional immaturity on somebody's part.

 

You think lunching together is a good idea. You want to do it. You don't want to ask him to lunch. You think he should know you want to have lunch together. You get upset with him for not asking you to lunch.

 

He might have other issues, but this lunch problem is all you. It seems unreasonable and passive agressive.

[dolceamourr]

I don't see the allure of staying with him. In the absence of conflict resolution skills, everything will always be a big drama when it shouldn't be. Life is too short.

 

In your early 20s a 9-5 job with no other responsibilities like kids, shouldn't be too tiring for an after work get together. What is this guy going to be like at 40 with kids to chase after?

 

Lunch once per week or more should be a no brainer.

 

And this is exactly how I feel about it. I'm really not sure why I'm having so much trouble walking away though.

[dolceamourr]

Expecting him to read your mind about having lunch is an indication of emotional immaturity on somebody's part.

 

You think lunching together is a good idea. You want to do it. You don't want to ask him to lunch. You think he should know you want to have lunch together. You get upset with him for not asking you to lunch.

 

He might have other issues, but this lunch problem is all you. It seems unreasonable and passive agressive.

 

Well I see your point if I had never said anything at all, but I literally have already mentioned this to him before.

 

My exact words were "I want to see you more than 1x per week. Maybe 2x a week? It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. We could just grab some coffee or dinner after work, or we could get lunch together once in a while."

 

So..I need to repeat myself now? I'm sure he heard me the first time. At this point it would just be annoying and nagging because I've already been very direct and very clear with him about it, no?

[smackie9]

Stop trying to make him change, he is what he is. Reality check: he doesn't fulfill your relationship expectations, so in conclusion if you had any self worth, you should call it quits. There is no reason for you to be spending your energy on someone who sucks at relationships in the first place.

[GemmaUK]

Ooh!

 

Honestly, just from posting you 'sound' angry.

 

In a sentence where you say you want to see someone 2 x per week..(a demand) how about change the demand to an ask?

 

Ask him which day you could meet for lunch..no mention of times per week..just ask him if he would be free for lunch one day this week.

 

You have no idea if he is eating right or sleeping well or stressed..all can lead to being exhausted.

 

What was it about him that attracted you?

Was he massively keen and attentive and always there?

[TXGuy]

Well I see your point if I had never said anything at all, but I literally have already mentioned this to him before.

 

My exact words were "I want to see you more than 1x per week. Maybe 2x a week? It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. We could just grab some coffee or dinner after work, or we could get lunch together once in a while."

 

So..I need to repeat myself now? I'm sure he heard me the first time. At this point it would just be annoying and nagging because I've already been very direct and very clear with him about it, no?

 

Try: let's have lunch this Tuesday at noon. How about the applebys right next to the office.

 

Then if he says no or makes excuses, feel free to grumble about it.

 

This guy's default dating frequency is less often than yours. He might be unwilling to initiate more often, but he might be willing to participate more often at your suggestion.

[preraph]

Who can judge without being there, but to me, it sounds like this guy just wants his Saturday night sex and not really a relationship. He wants no fuss, no extra contact. Actions speak louder than words.

[dolceamourr]

Try: let's have lunch this Tuesday at noon. How about the applebys right next to the office.

 

Then if he says no or makes excuses, feel free to grumble about it.

 

This guy's default dating frequency is less often than yours. He might be unwilling to initiate more often, but he might be willing to participate more often at your suggestion.

 

Thanks for the advice, truly. I can't say I feel totally comfortable with the above, but I will try it out and see what happens. Even though, I won't lie, I feel like I shouldn't have to. If he makes excuses I guess that's as clear as it can get.

[Diezel]

"I don't communicate what I want directly to him, why doesn't he understand what I want!?!?!?! Specially since he has virtually no experience in relationships!?!?!?! What is wrong with HIM!?!?!?!"

 

 

 

Seriously, just ask him nicely to have lunch with you.

Ask him out once in a while on a Wednesday.

 

NOT rocket science. IS effective communication.

This just sounds like a case of two people who don't know how in the hell to talk to each other in a civilized manner.