Dating again after abusive relationship

[Jadedbyluv]

A few years ago I was in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. It destroyed my self worth and self esteem. I eventually seemed therapy, and it has greatly improved my life. I am in a lot better place than I was, and I have made many improvements to my life.

 

Dating is still a struggle even after seeking therapy. I still have trust issues and some self esteem issues but I'm constantly working on getting past this issues.

 

I've recently met an amazing guy. It's the first time in years I have felt I could start to trust someone again. He makes me incredibly happy, and I'm starting to develop feelings for him. I am apprehensive though because I feel incredibly vulnerable and I'm so afraid of getting hurt again.

 

As things start to get more serious, I don't know if I should bring this up. I told him a little about my ex but nothing extensive. I'm afraid it's too much baggage and it will scare him away. I want an honest relationship, and I want him to know sometimes I will struggle. I just don't know what the best way to go about it is.

[Fondue]

I am saying this from a guy's perspective. A guy's perspective whom never had to deal with a lady whom was in an abusive relationship, and obviously never abused anyone in any of his relationships.

 

Despite being adamant about keeping past lives/relationships a private thing, and not divulging information about it, not discussing it, I would probably want to know about YOUR particular issue. I would to THINK that I would want to know that you were previously mentally abused.

 

Why? It would be important to know that going forward, you'd need more time to warm up to me, to get close to me, and to eventually trust me. And you would DEFINITELY need more time to "love" again.

 

So I'd be more understanding. I'd be more patient. And I'd definitely know what not to repeat and what not to do (even by accident) when we possibly fight or have a misunderstanding.

[rocketman122]

happy for you. but slow down. you dont have to do everything immediately. over time, when you talk about your past and conversation gets deeper and more personal you can explain things to him.

 

dont be so worried about your side, could be he has something more problematic than you have haha. just take it slow.

[Jadedbyluv]

happy for you. but slow down. you dont have to do everything immediately. over time, when you talk about your past and conversation gets deeper and more personal you can explain things to him.

 

dont be so worried about your side, could be he has something more problematic than you have haha. just take it slow.

 

I guess I'm wondering because sometimes I question him if he is sure. For instance, he told me he loved me for the first time. And I told him I loved him back. The next day I asked him if he meant it. And he told me that i have to stop asking the same questions. I asked him before if he meant what he said. My ex used to tell me these types of things then go back and say he never meant it. It's a hang up I have. I don't want him to get annoyed and want him to understand why sometimes I do it.

[preraph]

I will just say this: Once you're told him you have issues that will arise because of a prior abusive relationship, he will blame every time you get upset about anything on that and probably bring it up, when it was actually him that made you mad. I'm sure the right thing totally depends on the depth of knowledge the man has about abuse and the aftermath of abuse. If he is like a lot of guys, he doesn't get it and doesn't want to deal with it either. Your best bet is to date some guy who knows about psychology or is interested in victim advocacy. Even a lot of law men don't know as much about it as you'd think they'd learn in the academy. You will have to find a guy with a lot of empathy, not an aloof type. He will have to be comfortable with a lot of communicating. Divulging your past abuse to someone stupid about abuse or unempathetic is a waste of effort and will only give them ammo.

 

My advice is for you to just try to see clearly and react to what HE is doing and quickly bail if there are red flags, such as he's controlling or humiliates you or thinks he's smart and you're not. Focus on just keeping your head clear about what his actions are and not so much what he says, and be sure you don't leave the blinders on and get caught up in love blindness that will lead to another trauma.

 

It's pretty easy. A good guy will want to protect you and not upset you. A bad guy will want to blame you and make you feel small and isolate and control you.

[Andy_K]

I had an ex who was in an abusive relationship. I can only emphasise what preraph said - you need a guy with a good dose of empathy and maturity. Anything less and he will be either unable or unwilling to help you get though your difficult patches.

 

You're going to need to divulge parts of your past sooner rather than later, and pay close attention to how he reacts.

[Zeurich]

First of all you are not the only one who went through this kind of situations. But from my own experiences I am saying, be honest with him let him know you had a hard time before. That is the only way you may know if this work for you or not. As you said you don't want to get hurt, so if you don't be honest about what you went through because of the fear that he would blame you , he would bring it up or drag it, NO how sooner you divulge how sooner you get relief. Sooner is always better than later.

Take a easy step at a time. Don't rush or harsh for anything till you feel the right moment. And also don't forget that after a abusive relationship, who ever show care for you you falling easy on them. Think from your head not from your feelings.

I wish you all the best!

[FitnessRN]

I guess I'm wondering because sometimes I question him if he is sure. For instance, he told me he loved me for the first time. And I told him I loved him back. The next day I asked him if he meant it. And he told me that i have to stop asking the same questions. I asked him before if he meant what he said. My ex used to tell me these types of things then go back and say he never meant it. It's a hang up I have. I don't want him to get annoyed and want him to understand why sometimes I do it.

 

(1) Never compare to the ex..he's not your ex if you get out of a abusive relationship. Everyone is different..see how his actions are..if they aren't what he talked himself up to be, cut ties.

(2) Catch the red flags

(3) You starting off fresh..stay fresh..he's something new.

[Eivuwan]

I guess I'm wondering because sometimes I question him if he is sure. For instance, he told me he loved me for the first time. And I told him I loved him back. The next day I asked him if he meant it. And he told me that i have to stop asking the same questions. I asked him before if he meant what he said. My ex used to tell me these types of things then go back and say he never meant it. It's a hang up I have. I don't want him to get annoyed and want him to understand why sometimes I do it.

 

Yes, for the relationship to be healthy he needs to be empathetic to your needs. However, it is not his responsibility to cure you of all the issues that your ex caused. Asking someone repeatedly if they meant what they say just because your ex is unreliable is unfair to your current bf and could be irritating. You also need to be mindful of how you interact with him. Don't punish a completely different person for your ex's mistakes.

[Jadedbyluv]

Yes, for the relationship to be healthy he needs to be empathetic to your needs. However, it is not his responsibility to cure you of all the issues that your ex caused. Asking someone repeatedly if they meant what they say just because your ex is unreliable is unfair to your current bf and could be irritating. You also need to be mindful of how you interact with him. Don't punish a completely different person for your ex's mistakes.

 

I'm not looking for him to cure me. All I'm asking for him to be understanding sometimes and empathetic. I just want him to understand that I still have fears when it comes to dating. Last night, I asked if he would be patient with me sometimes and didn't go into all the details why. And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf. Not the response I was expecting nor did I know how respond back. It kinda hurt. If he can't be patient with me now, how can we have a relationship?

[FortunateSon]

If he's not aware of or doesn't understand some of your issues, he probably is misinterpreting some of your behaviors as somethings they are not.

[Jadedbyluv]

If he's not aware of or doesn't understand some of your issues, he probably is misinterpreting some of your behaviors as somethings they are not.

 

Exactly what I'm trying to avoid. But now I'm a little afraid of telling him something as it might be misinterpreted as a "weakness".

[FortunateSon]

Exactly what I'm trying to avoid. But now I'm a little afraid of telling him something as it might be misinterpreted as a "weakness".

Perhaps try looking at it from this prospective, it takes a strong person to talk about a subject like past abuse in a mature manner. If it is something he can not accept, maybe he is not strong enough to be with you?

[writergal]

I'm not looking for him to cure me. All I'm asking for him to be understanding sometimes and empathetic. I just want him to understand that I still have fears when it comes to dating. Last night, I asked if he would be patient with me sometimes and didn't go into all the details why. And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf. Not the response I was expecting nor did I know how respond back. It kinda hurt. If he can't be patient with me now, how can we have a relationship?

 

His response is a red flag in my opinion. He can't stand weakness? What is he? A cyborg? Yuck. Why would you want to continue to date him after he said that? That comment reveals a lot about his views on women. It also shows that he lacks empathy and understanding for you. I would not trust him at this point. Women are not weak because they are vulnerable. Seriously, he sounds like a controlling, manipulative guy to say something like that.

 

If he can't be patient with you now, no you can't have a relationship with him.

 

Use this as an opportunity to assert yourself. The next time you see/talk to him, bring up that comment and explain to him how much it hurt your feelings based on what you've already been through in your previous emotionally abusive relationships with men. Stand up for yourself. Really think about why you want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks women are weak when they act vulnerable.

[Gaeta]

A few years ago I was in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. It destroyed my self worth and self esteem. I eventually seemed therapy, and it has greatly improved my life. I am in a lot better place than I was, and I have made many improvements to my life.

 

Dating is still a struggle even after seeking therapy. I still have trust issues and some self esteem issues but I'm constantly working on getting past this issues.

 

I've recently met an amazing guy. It's the first time in years I have felt I could start to trust someone again. He makes me incredibly happy, and I'm starting to develop feelings for him. I am apprehensive though because I feel incredibly vulnerable and I'm so afraid of getting hurt again.

 

As things start to get more serious, I don't know if I should bring this up. I told him a little about my ex but nothing extensive. I'm afraid it's too much baggage and it will scare him away. I want an honest relationship, and I want him to know sometimes I will struggle. I just don't know what the best way to go about it is.

 

I have a much different opinion.

 

I have been in an abusive relationship in which I have found myself 4 times in a women's shelter (that's years ago) so I understand where you're coming from.

 

I have learned that when I told a man I was dating that I had been mistreated in a previous relationship it changed the way they viewed me. In some cases it even sent them the signal they could lack respect toward me because after all I had let that happened to me in the past.

 

It's not up to a man to 'help' you through your demons. This is something you need to work on your own. This new boyfriend is not your shrink and he deserves to invest his time in a woman that has it together. You don't.

 

I never EVER tell about my past abuse. It's private to me. I dealt with it on my own till I tamed my demons, I got back my self-worth, I am more confident and assertive than I have ever been in my life before.

 

You are not ready to date, just face it. You can go out there, casually date, have sex, have friends, have fun, but as long as you don't fully master your past you are not ready for a relationship.

Edited July 16, 2014 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I'm not looking for him to cure me. All I'm asking for him to be understanding sometimes and empathetic. I just want him to understand that I still have fears when it comes to dating. Last night, I asked if he would be patient with me sometimes and didn't go into all the details why. And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf. Not the response I was expecting nor did I know how respond back. It kinda hurt. If he can't be patient with me now, how can we have a relationship?

 

He doesn't want to deal with your demons. It's YOUR job, not his.

 

Would you date someone that because they were cheated on once they want to check your phone, emails, they want to know you're where-abouts and all that stuff? NO. You didn't do the cheating so why would you have to pay the price? You would tell him NO, get over it, I am not the one who cheated on you! Same with this guy. He did not abuse you but he's got to win your trust with extra efforts and walk on egg-shell because of someone else. Why would he want to be in a relationship like this?

[BlueIris]

The only thing I’d add is that it sounds like you’re attaching to him too quickly and losing perspective. It already sounds like you’re more worried about what he thinks about you than you are about making sure this guy is a good match for you. Put more time into seeing if he is a good man, and a good match.

 

If you’re clingy, emotionally dependent, putting yourself into a position of pleasing and being accepted, you’re more susceptible to abusive people.

 

One of my best friends used to say, in regard to being with an abuser: “Spineless flexibility has no value, except in a circus.” Hehe Man, isn't that true?

[Eivuwan]

And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf.

 

Well, regardless of whatever happened to you, this is a very odd and callous thing to say in any romantic relationship. While I think that it's your job to monitor your own trust issues in a relationship instead of depending on your partner, every single person on this planet has some kind of weakness. He doesn't seem like a suitable partner for even an average woman with no past baggage. I agree with the other poster who said that instead of worrying about whether he can accept you, think more of your own worth and worry about whether he's a good partner at all.

[Gaeta]

And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf.

I think this is the answer of a man getting tired of being asked over and over if he means what he says.

[Jadedbyluv]

And his response was that he can't stand weakness and it's a turn offf.

I think this is the answer of a man getting tired of being asked over and over if he means what he says.

 

I had just asked if he would be patient with me. I want to take things slow so I can develop trust with him. It's not a warming feeling when you ask someone to be patient with you and that's the response you get back. Funny thing is, when he told me he loved me, I said it back. And he immediately asked if I meant it. So how is me asking any different?

 

Just a few other things, I am not comparing him to my ex nor do I want him to fix me. I've dated plenty of guys since my ex but this is the first relationship I've been in. I seek a therapist to deal with my demons. Yes, I do have baggage but I'm not some victim of my past.

 

My original question was more if and when I should bring up my past relationship. If you are seriously dating someone and could envision a future with them, wouldn't you want to know something like that?

[Gaeta]

My original question was more if and when I should bring up my past relationship. If you are seriously dating someone and could envision a future with them, wouldn't you want to know something like that?

 

Why? Why would they need to know?

 

I don't tell, anyone. It's not me anymore, and frankly I am embarrassed that at some point in my life I let a man mistreat me like this. I am not this person anymore and will never be again so why would my man need to know?

 

ETA: The only reason I can think of is If you want to tell a new man because you expect him to treat you special, or differently, then you are not over your past.

Edited July 16, 2014 by Gaeta

[Jadedbyluv]

Why? Why would they need to know?

 

I don't tell, anyone. It's not me anymore, and frankly I am embarrassed that at some point in my life I let a man mistreat me like this. I am not this person anymore and will never be again so why would my man need to know?

 

ETA: The only reason I can think of is If you want to tell a new man because you expect him to treat you special, or differently, then you are not over your past.

 

I don't want any man to treat me differently because of my past. I want him to understand why I don't drink anymore. I want him to understand why sometimes I get anxiety.

[writergal]

Gaeta, be careful that you don't project your own issues on to the OP here. If she wants to reveal her past to this guy then it's her prerogative. To keep your past a secret from your romantic partner can become a hindrance in the long run.

 

If you were a drug addict, sex addict, alcoholic, recovering abuser or whatever your issue is, I think that you owe it to your partner to tell them! My cousin is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and her fiance knows about her past with drugs and alcohol. Her telling him made him love her more. Why? Because she respects herself enough to be honest and tell the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that she has to attend NA and AA meetings for the rest of her life if she wants to stay clean. And he totally supports her.

 

I think it's totally irresponsible and hypocritical of you all to suggest to the OP that she keep her past of abuse a secret as though she should be ashamed of it. Obviously this is a forum and everyone has an opinion but I think it's wrong to try to shame the OP for wanting to do the right thing for herself.

 

Why? Why would they need to know?

 

I don't tell, anyone. It's not me anymore, and frankly I am embarrassed that at some point in my life I let a man mistreat me like this. I am not this person anymore and will never be again so why would my man need to know?

 

ETA: The only reason I can think of is If you want to tell a new man because you expect him to treat you special, or differently, then you are not over your past.

[thekid36]

I had just asked if he would be patient with me. I want to take things slow so I can develop trust with him. It's not a warming feeling when you ask someone to be patient with you and that's the response you get back. Funny thing is, when he told me he loved me, I said it back. And he immediately asked if I meant it. So how is me asking any different?

 

Just a few other things, I am not comparing him to my ex nor do I want him to fix me. I've dated plenty of guys since my ex but this is the first relationship I've been in. I seek a therapist to deal with my demons. Yes, I do have baggage but I'm not some victim of my past.

 

My original question was more if and when I should bring up my past relationship. If you are seriously dating someone and could envision a future with them, wouldn't you want to know something like that?

 

I am a male in a relationship with someone in which both of us were once abused. Emotionally more than anything else. We were both honest and open with one another from the beginning. Not at all so as to let our past define us. Yet, so as to give us a full picture of one another as opposed to only a partial one. When you get with someone, you should take the whole person. Not only the ones which are the best parts.

 

 

My personal opinion here is that you should tell him about your past relationship. Even as much of a challenge as it will perhaps be. Despite the fact that it may be hard to bring up some of those old memories. If he truly does care for you, then he will be more than patient. Not telling him will only lead to possible problems. Because, not knowing is almost as harsh as failing to be honest about something. It is almost as if his reaction will perhaps give you some indication as to how he may handle other issues going forward.

[Gaeta]

If you were a drug addict, sex addict, alcoholic, recovering abuser or whatever your issue is, I think that you owe it to your partner to tell them!

 

And I absolutely agree, but we're not talking an addiction here that could resurface. I don't think it can be compared.

 

I think it's totally irresponsible and hypocritical of you all to suggest to the OP that she keep her past of abuse a secret as though she should be ashamed of it. Obviously this is a forum and everyone has an opinion but I think it's wrong to try to shame the OP for wanting to do the right thing for herself.

 

As someone who's been a victim of abuse, and of much more severe abuse as OP, I think my opinion has some value.

 

If you need to talk about your past abuse it's because it's still owning you. It is still shaping who you are today. It means you are not ready to re-embark in a relationship.

 

I don't tell about my abuse because I am not this woman anymore. It would be like telling a man about a woman that is not me, so what purpose would it serve?

 

Another example:

 

I got a phone call from my daughter this morning. Last night she had a date with a real nice man she's been dating. Last night he opened up to her and told my daughter about his abusive childhood. She said some of the things he told her were unbearable to hear, it was heavy, she felt helpless, and this morning she doesn't know how she feels about him and what he told her.

 

A boyfriend-girlfriend is not a shrink, or a priest. These things need to be addressed with a professional.