Is it over?? He stopped calling

[No_Go]

I met a guy online, and after a week of e-mails back and forth, we went on a date. It went amazing, 8 hours passed by without noticing. Next week we e-mailed daily, and went on a day-log date again (no sex, but lots of making out, I mean for hours).

 

Surprisingly, afterwards the things cooled down... He contacted me less, made plans for the weekend but cancelled and rescheduled for a week day. And then he cancelled again with an explanation - work emergency (I believe him). He apologized afterwards and... I haven't heard from him for almost a week.

 

Is there a point to contact him at least to see why he pulled away (in the unlikely case that there is a valid reason unrelated to me) or just forget about him (so hard!!!)?

[d0nnivain]

Too much too soon.

 

When it's all hot & heavy like that but then they disappear it just means that they are on to the next victim.

[Diezel]

I met a guy online, and after a week of e-mails back and forth, we went on a date. It went amazing, 8 hours passed by without noticing. Next week we e-mailed daily, and went on a day-log date again (no sex, but lots of making out, I mean for hours).

 

Surprisingly, afterwards the things cooled down... He contacted me less, made plans for the weekend but cancelled and rescheduled for a week day. And then he cancelled again with an explanation - work emergency (I believe him). He apologized afterwards and... I haven't heard from him for almost a week.

 

Is there a point to contact him at least to see why he pulled away (in the unlikely case that there is a valid reason unrelated to me) or just forget about him (so hard!!!)?

 

 

Just don't contact him. Maybe he'll come around but I doubt it.

 

Also, you went on like 17 dates in 2 dates.

[No_Go]

I know! Otherwise I won't miss him so much. Basically he told me his whole family history etc.

I feel like he was sincere. Maybe I suffocated him with my attention?

[Poppygoodwill]

Whatever happened, it might not have anythign to do with what you did or didn't do. That might just be his way: intense and then backs off.

 

Or, perhaps he wanted sex that time you made out and when he didn't get it, he decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

 

Either way, you can try to find out why he's gone cool on you, but most likely he won't tell you. He'll say something vague and probably nice and it will confuse you because you'll be thinking: why are you saying nice things about me, but still don't want to see me? Bottom line: if he's not initiating to see you, he's not interested. Canceling dates is fine, but if he wanted to see you, he would find a way. sorry. move on.

[Gaeta]

 

It went amazing, 8 hours passed by without noticing.

 

Next week we e-mailed daily, and went on a day-log date again (no sex, but lots of making out, I mean for hours).

 

You burnt the candle by both ends.

 

That strong attraction you feel with someone you need to save it and use it wisely so it last you a long while. At least long enough to build a connection beyond physical attraction.

 

At the beginning of meeting someone we don't know each other, the only thing keeping us from going back to each other is that attraction. You over did it and the newness faded away, leaving nothing to go back to you.

[mortensorchid]

Whatever it is, he's no longer interested. With all the cancelations and non contacting, he's moved on. It happens.

[No_Go]

I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly???

And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation..

[Gaeta]

I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly???

And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation..

 

Closure is something you give yourself. Don't look toward others to give you closure, you won't survive dating.

 

Fading away is common in online dating. I had it done several times, I had it done to me after 1 date, 2 dates, 3 months and 6 months.

 

If he had faded away after 3-6 months I would understand you needing some type of conversation with him, but not 2 dates.

[Zahara]

I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly???

And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation..

 

Do you see how ridicilous that sounds? You desperately need to be validated -- it's not about an explanation.

 

If that's all you need, then take the explanations that you have been given here because that's the best closure you can receive.

 

You went on two dates, there isn't any closure. It's a fade out. It's common when dating.

[Diezel]

I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly???

And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation..

 

Closure is a fallacy. It doesn't come from another person, as Gaeta stated.

 

If you need closure from a man you saw twice, you need to reign your feelings back in.

 

Stop going on half-a-day dates. That could definitely help. Why would you contact him? There's no reason to. If you can't take a hint by now, then how can we help you?

 

Welcome to the new dating world, where the slow fade is the norm.

[No_Go]

Zahara, I meant I don't care for the explanation itself (fake or not), I need validation in terms that his interest is over and it is not just a temporary withdrawal for whatever reason.

[Gaeta]

Zahara, I meant I don't care for the explanation itself (fake or not), I need validation in terms that his interest is over and it is not just a temporary withdrawal for whatever reason.

 

Because you would date men that do temporary withdrawal ??

[Zahara]

Zahara, I meant I don't care for the explanation itself (fake or not), I need validation in terms that his interest is over and it is not just a temporary withdrawal for whatever reason.

 

He doesn't have to provide you with words to indicate that. He is showing you by his actions that he is not interested.

 

Temporary withdrawal? Why would you even want to pursue someone that just cuts off from you without having any consideration or respect for how you may feel?

[No_Go]

Yes, why not be tolerant - sickness, problems at work etc happen, even hesitation is not a sin, right?

[MissBee]

I met a guy online, and after a week of e-mails back and forth, we went on a date. It went amazing, 8 hours passed by without noticing. Next week we e-mailed daily, and went on a day-log date again (no sex, but lots of making out, I mean for hours).

 

Surprisingly, afterwards the things cooled down... He contacted me less, made plans for the weekend but cancelled and rescheduled for a week day. And then he cancelled again with an explanation - work emergency (I believe him). He apologized afterwards and... I haven't heard from him for almost a week.

 

Is there a point to contact him at least to see why he pulled away (in the unlikely case that there is a valid reason unrelated to me) or just forget about him (so hard!!!)?

 

It wouldn't hurt to send him a casual message asking how he's doing.

 

No need to ask why he pulled away or anything just simply a "Hey, how's it going?" or something to that effect.

 

From there, you'll know where you stand. He will either respond and explain if things have been crazy (which frankly is most likely a lie...as if things are crazy and you're interested you would still let the person know and I admit I have used the "crazy busy" excuse in the past too when I stopped being interested) or he won't respond, or will respond like nothing is wrong but never follow up with anything further.

 

There you'll know where you stand with him. I know it sucks when it seems promising, but sometimes that's how these things go.

[Atem]

Closure is a fallacy. It doesn't come from another person, as Gaeta stated.

 

If you need closure from a man you saw twice, you need to reign your feelings back in.

 

Stop going on half-a-day dates. That could definitely help. Why would you contact him? There's no reason to. If you can't take a hint by now, then how can we help you?

 

Welcome to the new dating world, where the slow fade is the norm.

 

So you're the 3rd or 4th person here to mention the "fade".

 

What exactly does that mean - that one side just loses attraction overnight?

 

This seems very odd to me because I'm on the other end of the spectrum - I start very slowly and cool but then open up as time goes by.

 

The reason why I'm asking is because I recently may have had a "fade" happen (albeit after I opened up quite a bit to vent because I thought that we were close after 2 months together). That "fade" thing annoyed me because she din't disappear but jsut scaled back everything - affection, contact, etc., so I ended up ditching her.

 

When I asked for an explanation, I received nothing.

 

So why does the "fade" usually happen - is it:

- another person?

- boredom?

- fear of getting too close to the other person?

- something else?

[No_Go]

In my opinion any of the above (haha, we all hope for the third I guess)

[MissBee]

Yes, why not be tolerant - sickness, problems at work etc happen, even hesitation is not a sin, right?

 

No.

 

These things happen yes, but people who are actually interested find 3 seconds to text you and let you know. PERIOD! Unless he is dead in a ditch, kidnapped or jailed, he isn't busy 24 hours a day for 7 days. He's not at work 24 hours a day for 7 days...come on...when a man is into you, even if he is busy he will find even 2 minutes in a WHOLE WEEK to say "I haven't forgotten about you. We're still on for our date once XYZ calms down"...if they continuously cancel and then you hear NOTHING...it isn't anything mysterious dear.

 

When someone is into you they do not at all want to send the wrong message or make you think that they've lost interest so they find one second in all of 24 hours to keep you up to speed. This is a FACT!

 

At this point you're reaching and I hate to see women esp do this, and I've definitely been on the other end of trying to find every other reason to explain a man's bad manners and lack of interest besides the obvious: he isn't interested and/or has bad manners.

 

Women of high self worth don't need to have this explained...if a man for whatever reason is treating her poorly, regardless of what it is, work or what have you, she doesn't chase behind him for answers but says "You don't respect me or my time and obviously don't value basic manners, so we're not a good match." If he is truly sorry and was soooo busy he will come find her later and will need to work triple time to see if she wants to give him a chance....that's the route I now take. It works well for me and I save myself the embarrassment and disrespect of chasing behind a man for answers when 9/10 times behavior like this means he doesn't respect or value your time and isn't interested.

[Atem]

In my opinion any of the above (haha, we all hope for the third I guess)

 

Hope's fine but clarity is better.

 

Always odd that the "faders" don't tell you anything - maybe because they don't know themselves?

 

Is that even possible? Are they just running around, driven only by ebbing and flooding feelings and emotions? Sounds like a pretty idiotic way to live - I'm way too analytical to grasp that

[Diezel]

So you're the 3rd or 4th person here to mention the "fade".

 

What exactly does that mean - that one side just loses attraction overnight?

 

This seems very odd to me because I'm on the other end of the spectrum - I start very slowly and cool but then open up as time goes by.

 

The reason why I'm asking is because I recently may have had a "fade" happen (albeit after I opened up quite a bit to vent because I thought that we were close after 2 months together). That "fade" thing annoyed me because she din't disappear but jsut scaled back everything - affection, contact, etc., so I ended up ditching her.

 

When I asked for an explanation, I received nothing.

 

So why does the "fade" usually happen - is it:

- another person?

- boredom?

- fear of getting too close to the other person?

- something else?

 

 

 

If you want my honest opinion, I think the prominence of the "fade" is due to the advent of texting technology. Fifteen years ago, it was a lot harder to just fade out. Now all it takes is just not responding to a text, or not sending back a message online, etc, etc, etc... That's all it takes.

 

And it usually happens in the very beginning of the dating sequence.

 

I've noticed it a LOT more during OLD.

It simply happens for all those reasons. Maybe someone better came along, maybe they were talking to you at a point in time when they were bored during the week, they had nothing to do at work, the fantasy of who you were versus the reality doesn't match up, it's endless... and pretty pointless to give it any thought.

 

Our overall problem with the fade is the person who gets faded on gets no indication. You texted everyday, then it diminishes, and then nothing... you thought everything was fine, but NOPE. The process had already begun for the fader.

 

I can guarantee that almost every fader knows EXACTLY why they are doing it. Or else they wouldn't be doing it.

[No_Go]

Miss Bee,

 

I generally agree. But just to play the devil's advocate, what if:

- he is not sure if he wants a relationship with me, so he's backing off to sort out his thoughts? shall he text me in the meanwhile then??

- he has an issue that he doesn't want to share about, and may impede dating, but he doesn't want to schedule and cancel again??

 

In general I still think people are too self-absorbed, and maybe are not considerate enough for outside factors, but maybe indeed the reason is that I am novice in the online dating HELL

[No_Go]

Atem, I strongly believe in this " Always odd that the "faders" don't tell you anything - maybe because they don't know themselves?"...not a sign of maturity but alas...

[Atem]

If you want my honest opinion, I think the prominence of the "fade" is due to the advent of texting technology. Fifteen years ago, it was a lot harder to just fade out. Now all it takes is just not responding to a text, or not sending back a message online, etc, etc, etc... That's all it takes.

 

And it usually happens in the very beginning of the dating sequence.

 

I've noticed it a LOT more during OLD.

It simply happens for all those reasons. Maybe someone better came along, maybe they were talking to you at a point in time when they were bored during the week, they had nothing to do at work, the fantasy of who you were versus the reality doesn't match up, it's endless... and pretty pointless to give it any thought.

 

Our overall problem with the fade is the person who gets faded on gets no indication. You texted everyday, then it diminishes, and then nothing... you thought everything was fine, but NOPE. The process had already begun for the fader.

 

I can guarantee that almost every fader knows EXACTLY why they are doing it. Or else they wouldn't be doing it.

 

You think so? Then why not share? One might think that would be common courtesy.

 

I'm not sure I agree though - I've seen girls who were absolutely into me beyond belief for a while. They'd text, they'd touch, they'd be sweet, etc. and then suddenly they'd go cold.

 

It used to not bother me because I wasn't dating them but it happened with this last one that I actually was dating, so that annoyed me.

[Diezel]

I've asked some of my friends why they do the fade, they just state that not all guys are understanding and some get angry, violent, threatening, won't understand or won't take no for an answer.

 

I can buy that, to a certain degree.

 

I actually appreciate it when someone tells me right off the bat.

 

It just happens, people have much shorter attention spans now. There could be someone better right around the corner on Facebook, Twitter, OLD.

 

It's just easier to just stop rather than tell the person what's going on. I don't agree with it though.