true intentions

[Ibaadat]

this forum has been quite helpful to me as I am exploring the world of dating. in reply to my previous posts, i am so impressed to see good judgements by various responders. so thank you!

I had no dates after my last post. I like to get opinion on someone I am seeing currently. This guy whom I know for a few months through a common network has recently started pursing me. some background info: i asked him about his past, and he openly told me he has slept with 25+ girls. he is late 20s, i am in mid 30s, and he is okay with that. he said he won't sleep around any more as he is working on bringing change within him. i told him no sex with me, and he said although he would want me physically, but he won't pursue sex.

After some struggle due to our busy schedule and his lack of proper asking me out, we met on our first date for a movie. I offered to pay for mine, and he quickly accepted. Watched a movie, and made out in my car for a couple of hours. I have known him for a few months before our first date. He does not have a car, so i dropped him off. 2nd date, he made a random plan and requested to see me. We met, and he joined me in my car, we drove around and again since it was very late at night, we made out for 2-3 hours in car and talking. 3rd date, he requested me to come to his place. after too much insisting, I ended up going. we had soft drinks (as i dont drink alcohol) and we made out for hours without getting bored. He felt me at various places and as he was getting more physical I backed him off and got upset. he holded me in arms for a long time, and calmed me down. we continued making out again, his shirt off, but my clothes on and feeling every where. i have repeatedly told him, that if he wants sex he is wasting time with me. we did not have any proper dates, he said he has not asked girls on proper dates before like taking them to restaurants etc. he is cute and funny! we laugh alot and very comfortable in talking about anything. he shares about his work, etc. but our chats are entirely flirty and romantic. we also have cute fights. talking/texting for over a month now. is he a complete player or he wants anything serious, i cant figure out at all. he looks into my eyes, adores me, and cant stop hugging/kissing. i am playing it cool and have not mention that i am looking for serious relationship. i keep things mysterious sometimes, and he does show curiosity to figure out if i am dating/seeing others. please advise how should i proceed to have more control and make him want relationship. i like being with him but still figuring out if i want r/ship or not.

[Assasda]

I dont understand what a "Proper" date is either.

 

Anyway, it sounds like this is still fresh.

After a few more week, ask him if he wants to go steady with you.

Say "Do you want to go steady with me" when the mood is right.

.... and there you go.

 

 

PS "Proper Dates" are boring. If you want to go out with him, just go out with him.

[Frank2thepoint]

Watched a movie, and made out in my car for a couple of hours.

 

That segue. It escalated quickly to kissing.

 

 

i am playing it cool and have not mention that i am looking for serious relationship.

 

Because of this he may just want sex and probably nothing more. You two began making out from the first date, with lots of intimate touching by the third date. You are proffering yourself sexually, for a physical relationship only. He will continue to seduce you until you give in and have sex.

 

 

please advise how should i proceed to have more control and make him want relationship.

 

Well by telling him you are not look for a relationship in the first place, really contradicts what you just said. If you want him to be on the same page as you, you need to tell him you want something serious.

[Omei]

3rd date he requested you to come over to his place and well he basically tried to persway you to have sex with him not by words but clearly making it so hot and heavy and having you go there for said date....I think its clear what he wants.

 

Even tho you say its not going to happen I am betting he was hoping he could seduce you out of that.

[Zahara]

i told him no sex with me, and he said although he would want me physically, but he won't pursue sex.

 

You say no sex but each time you have put yourself in a physical situation with this guy. You're creating the perfect segue to sex -- the only thing going on in his mind is that the hot foreplay make out sessions will soon get him what he wants. And this guy mentioned that he won't pursue sex with you? Right. "He felt me at various places and as he was getting more physical I backed him off and got upset." That's an indication that he was trying to get there with you.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Zahara

[Ibaadat]

Update: So we saw each other again....we hung out at his place, and had hours of cuddling/kissing. I tested him by saying I want sex, but he didn't go for it...he said he knows I dont want it, and he will never do it with me. He also said "i love you" by himself first, but also said that he is not promising me anything, but since he felt this feeling of love, he said it. i haven't reciprocated it yet....however, I am feeling attached to him now, and this is scary to depend on him for feeling good and happy .....he also said he misses me alot....i really don't know if I should take his words, as he is very open about how he had been involved in casual sex with many women in the past.

[laurelin]

Regardless of whether or not his intentions are pure, I don't know that "testing" him by telling him you want something you don't is the way to go. By doing that, you're telling him that your boundaries are flimsy, at best. If he's playing you, he's going to get tired of making the effort eventually. But, the more you let him cross your boundaries, the more he'll continue to wear you down.

If he loves you and wants a relationship with you, then do what you can to grow the relationship. Don't just make out. Go places, do things, discover things about one another, ask him questions, see if you both have what it takes to be compatible.

If he's sincere and you're testing him, then you're the one playing the games and that's not fair to him...or you.

[Ibaadat]

Regardless of whether or not his intentions are pure, I don't know that "testing" him by telling him you want something you don't is the way to go. By doing that, you're telling him that your boundaries are flimsy, at best. If he's playing you, he's going to get tired of making the effort eventually. But, the more you let him cross your boundaries, the more he'll continue to wear you down.

If he loves you and wants a relationship with you, then do what you can to grow the relationship. Don't just make out. Go places, do things, discover things about one another, ask him questions, see if you both have what it takes to be compatible.

If he's sincere and you're testing him, then you're the one playing the games and that's not fair to him...or you.

 

All he wants is hang out at his place. He is cheap, that i have figured out for sure. i told him afterwards i was testing him, just to be honest.

[Zahara]

All he wants is hang out at his place. He is cheap, that i have figured out for sure. i told him afterwards i was testing him, just to be honest.

 

If dating him is all about hanging out at his place because he is cheap, I can't imagine how absolutely dull and bored you're going to be in the next few months.

[Ibaadat]

If dating him is all about hanging out at his place because he is cheap, I can't imagine how absolutely dull and bored you're going to be in the next few months.

 

I guess I am thinking to give it a few more weeks and see....in the past few days, we have felt closeness..atleast i have emotionally, but i guess its too early to back out based on future predictions/judgement. what do you think?

[Zahara]

I guess I am thinking to give it a few more weeks and see....in the past few days, we have felt closeness..atleast i have emotionally, but i guess its too early to back out based on future predictions/judgement. what do you think?

 

He doesn't make the effort to take you out. If he's cheap, then there are other things you can do outside the bedroom that cost nothing. Pack some sandwiches and go for a picnic at the park. Put on your hiking shoes and go for a hike. Hit the museums and most of the them have no admission charge.

 

He recently started pursuing you and he's declaring he loves you. I don't have a good feeling about this guy. For some reason I see him laying it on thick to get where he wants to get with you.

 

You feel closeness because you are getting emotionally attached and all the hours of making out is causing you to get giddy about him, when you should be getting to know him outside of the bedroom.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Zahara

[jbelle6]

A man saying I love you that quickly is a warning sign, especially saying he can't promise you anything in the next breath.

 

Seems you go from making out in your car to making out at his place. He's not even making an effort, and you aren't expecting one. I date to enjoy things with someone I am compatible with, not to sit inside all the time. I would also wonder if the guy didn't want people to see/know about me. I would also know he just wants sex. I don't care what he says, his actions speak volumes.

 

You say some things that sound a little off, such as asking how to have control of the relationship, that you test him etc.

 

I have been with a very low number of people intimately, I know the guys I see will have a number WAY higher than mine, so it's simple. I don't ask anything except about him being tested after his last partner and before me. Some people do like to know, but I think you went there way too soon. And if you have no intention of sex with him I have no clue why you asked.

 

 

It does not sound like this will lead to anything serious.

[Ibaadat]

i dont think he is afraid to be with me in public. i had plans for the weekend, and he knows some people in the group i was going to hang out with, and he also joined that group activity, where i was going. i dont know if he came for me or he came for the group activity. but he did flirt with me in public and was ready to hold hands n show that we are together, but he didn't until i was ready.

 

i really dont know what to do and that is why i am here. i have had little luck in finding people that i actually like to hang out with. if i dont find any chemistry i let people go n dont cling. so i dont think i m desperate.

 

anyway, should i just let him go altogether and not bother anymore and suck it up?

[Ibaadat]

oh and also, he also stays home and dont go out much....likes to work, and according to him is over with the party scene. a couple of times he mentioned of me and called me his girl friend. calls and text me often etc.

[Zahara]

oh and also, he also stays home and dont go out much....likes to work, and according to him is over with the party scene. a couple of times he mentioned of me and called me his girl friend. calls and text me often etc.

 

I'm not even sure what that means. How does one have any progress in a relationship when all you both do is make out in cars and in his apartment? Party scene and liking work has nothing to do with why a man cannot court you. Anyone can call you a girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything.

 

I think advice won't help you. If what he gives you is enough for you and you have no other needs/wants, then you'll just have to figure this one out based on how you feel and not what we think.

[Ibaadat]

above relationship went on until recently. it progressed from kissing/cuddling in a car and apartment to going places and doing things together. however, due to his frugalness, lack of car due to which less efforts, I had mood swings with him. I also pressured him to think about serious relationship with long term potential. He was not ready to committ except that we were exclusive. Recently, he told me he wants to meet people for marriage, and he has lost interest in me and don't have feelings to marry me or have kids with. He knew I wanted marriage and that's why I was dating and not dating for fun only. Although, I have broked up with him 2-3 times but then reconciled myself next day. This time he broke up with me for real and told me he can only date me for fun if i want while he sees other people for marriage purpose. I am devastated. All of the forum people indicated this relationship was not going anywhere, but in my stupidity I had hopes, but now its over. In our last meeting, I cried miserable and told him i dont want to breakup but he bluntly refused he doesn't see marriage with me and wants to talk to others for the same. everyone who approaches me is just for temporary, physical fling, although i am very clear from beginning i am looking for long term marriage type of relationship. they still pursue me and I sometimes give in, and then find myself brutally hurt.

[Ibaadat]

Please see my last update on thread true intentions. after breaking up, we had some discussion where i insisted to find out why he broke up with me. he said i was dominating, wearing the pants, too independent, and his parents against the relationship (typical of our culture). I had criticized him at times so i guess it was building up. I was looking for proper, serious relationship, whereas he is light hearted, laid back and wait for the answers instead of seeking. after the break up, and crying, we had a normal conversation and i said sorry to him to hav hurt his ego, and he also said sorry, n i said i will be working on improving myself so i have a better relationship with whoever in the future. we hung up at a normal note. after 11 days of NC, he texted me to see how i was doing. i didnot reply although i have been in pain. i acted normal on fb posts (all public always) after unfriending him and cutting all contacts. at 15th day he called me and i answered the phone. he talked like nothing happened and asked me to have lunch with him. i said no, "you have told you are moving on and asked me to move on as well, so i am not meeting for lunch". he said i am not asking you to move back, but we can be friends. i said let me think and later texted back that we should keep distance. he texted me again and said "not even a coffee?" i didn't reply. its been few more days and no contact again. this relationship seems an unfinished business, and i wanted both of us to seriously give it a try. i didn't reply because i am not sure what his intentions are. breaking up, and then within two weeks wanting to go for lunch, not mentioning anything of breakup, and using the word friend. i want him back but in exclusive bf gf relationship, not to entertain him temporarily as his backup plan. what do you guys think i should have done or do, and what appears to be his intention? i am so confused and hurt at the same time.

[Ibaadat]

I'm not even sure what that means. How does one have any progress in a relationship when all you both do is make out in cars and in his apartment? Party scene and liking work has nothing to do with why a man cannot court you. Anyone can call you a girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything.

 

I think advice won't help you. If what he gives you is enough for you and you have no other needs/wants, then you'll just have to figure this one out based on how you feel and not what we think.

 

Dear Zahara, your predictions were quite right. Can you please read my last two updates on this topic from sept. and advise what you think if this relationship has any potential? I am on NC since our we exchanged last texts. I am very much down, and dont know what to do. i will follow your advise as i cant think clearly.

[Redhead14]

You have basically told him how to get you to have sex and he will now do everything right to get that to happen. Saying "I love you" already, confirms that this is what he's doing.

 

You also seem to have mixed feelings about what you want as well. You need to clarify for yourself what you are looking for. You will always be confused and struggle with intentions with dating prospects.

 

Not having a car and "dates" at his house all the time and so early, is a huge flag. He is patient he will say/do anything now to get what he wants and will turn cold very shortly after. He knows you are mixed and as a result feels you will break down at some point.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Redhead14

[Zahara]

Dear Zahara, your predictions were quite right. Can you please read my last two updates on this topic from sept. and advise what you think if this relationship has any potential? I am on NC since our we exchanged last texts. I am very much down, and dont know what to do. i will follow your advise as i cant think clearly.

 

There is no future, Ibaadat. He's told you that he doesn't find you a potential for long term and that he will only go out with you for fun. Him asking you for coffee, is exactly that -- someone to hang out with and have fun. He even said he just want to be friends. Start paying attention to what he is saying. Asking you for coffee is far different from him saying, "Ibaadat, I want to work on us and the relationship. I don't want to lose you and I'm willing to give it a second chance." No, he asked you for coffee as friends.

 

Block him and move on from this. When a man tells you he sees no future with you, believe him.

[Ibaadat]

There is no future, Ibaadat. He's told you that he doesn't find you a potential for long term and that he will only go out with you for fun. Him asking you for coffee, is exactly that -- someone to hang out with and have fun. He even said he just want to be friends. Start paying attention to what he is saying. Asking you for coffee is far different from him saying, "Ibaadat, I want to work on us and the relationship. I don't want to lose you and I'm willing to give it a second chance." No, he asked you for coffee as friends.

 

Block him and move on from this. When a man tells you he sees no future with you, believe him.

 

Ok, thank you. I felt the same but doubts kept creeping so wanted your wise advise. i have not replied to his couple of emails after coffee invite and hoping to be emotionally strong and not reply to any in the future. But as if a guy after breaking up does want to give a sincere 2nd chance, how would he, if i keep no contact at all??...anyway, my biggest pain is, i am very naivee in dating, in late 30s now, and only few people i have dated were all looking for fun and the story was v similar to this one. what am i doing wrong?? i am a decent, accomplished woman, but can't attract anyone for marriage, although i am pretty clear to all men i have dated, which i have dated within my own religion, who can understand my stance when i communicate to them that i am only looking for marriage, yet those same men, wants to have fun with me, while they look for marriage partners else where. like this guy told me he wants to get married next year, and will be seeing other women. what is wrong with me that they cant pursue me? this guy i dated still misses his first girl friend from 10 years ago whom he couldn't see due to family's opposition.

[Zahara]

Ok, thank you. I felt the same but doubts kept creeping so wanted your wise advise.

 

You have doubts because you're afraid to let go.

 

But as if a guy after breaking up does want to give a sincere 2nd chance, how would he, if i keep no contact at all??...

 

If a guy wanted a second chance, he'd come for you. He will ask you for that second chance. He won't be saying:

 

at 15th day he called me and i answered the phone. he talked like nothing happened and asked me to have lunch with him. i said no, "you have told you are moving on and asked me to move on as well, so i am not meeting for lunch". he said i am not asking you to move back, but we can be friends.

 

anyway, my biggest pain is, i am very naivee in dating, in late 30s now, and only few people i have dated were all looking for fun and the story was v similar to this one. what am i doing wrong??

 

One of the big red flags here was in this post. Too fast too soon. You say you don't want anyone just for fun but you presented yourself as such with this guy. From the get go it was giddy make out sessions. If you want to be taken seriously, take your time and date and get to know the person. Create boundaries for yourself. The physical can wait. Dating is a risk but if you at least have a set of rules to live by, chances are you will be able to protect yourself and get rid of these sorts earlier into the process. Making out, sex, the physical stuff isn't going to make a guy love you, want you, like you. So don't use that to get to the next phase.

 

i am a decent, accomplished woman, but can't attract anyone for marriage, although i am pretty clear to all men i have dated, which i have dated within my own religion, who can understand my stance when i communicate to them that i am only looking for marriage, yet those same men, wants to have fun with me, while they look for marriage partners else where.

 

There is no need to tell men upfront that you want marriage. They will probably use that against you because it comes of as desperate and needy. Some may probably even use that to get what they want because they know you are anxious and will possibly fall for empty promises. Keep your long term goals to yourself -- date with an open mind and have fun with it. Stop placing this huge weight and expectation on yourself. Chances are with that sort of pressure you're probably going to settle for someone along the line because you're desperate to attain a goal -- rather than take your time and just let it happen naturally. And if you don't meet someone, it won't kill you either. If you feel that you are somewhat naive, then just go out on dates without any expectations, but with clear boundaries that you just want to see what's out there, and not the -- I need to find a husband.

 

like this guy told me he wants to get married next year, and will be seeing other women. what is wrong with me that they cant pursue me? this guy i dated still misses his first girl friend from 10 years ago whom he couldn't see due to family's opposition.

 

I already knew this guy was bad news when you first posted on here. Your picker is off so it's not surprising that he didn't choose you, and probably won't be choosing anyone soon since he sounds very immature and possibly emotionally unavailable.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Zahara

[Ibaadat]

You have doubts because you're afraid to let go.

 

 

 

If a guy wanted a second chance, he'd come for you. He will ask you for that second chance. He won't be saying:

 

 

 

 

 

One of the big red flags here was in this post. Too fast too soon. You say you don't want anyone just for fun but you presented yourself as such with this guy. From the get go it was giddy make out sessions. If you want to be taken seriously, take your time and date and get to know the person. Create boundaries for yourself. The physical can wait. Dating is a risk but if you at least have a set of rules to live by, chances are you will be able to protect yourself and get rid of these sorts earlier into the process. Making out, sex, the physical stuff isn't going to make a guy love you, want you, like you. So don't use that to get to the next phase.

 

 

 

There is no need to tell men upfront that you want marriage. They will probably use that against you because it comes of as desperate and needy. Some may probably even use that to get what they want because they know you are anxious and will possibly fall for empty promises. Keep your long term goals to yourself -- date with an open mind and have fun with it. Stop placing this huge weight and expectation on yourself. Chances are with that sort of pressure you're probably going to settle for someone along the line because you're desperate to attain a goal -- rather than take your time and just let it happen naturally. And if you don't meet someone, it won't kill you either. If you feel that you are somewhat naive, then just go out on dates without any expectations, but with clear boundaries that you just want to see what's out there, and not the -- I need to find a husband.

 

 

 

I already knew this guy was bad news when you first posted on here. Your picker is off so it's not surprising that he didn't choose you, and probably won't be choosing anyone soon since he sounds very immature and possibly emotionally unavailable.

 

My dear, you sound so wise and mature to me. thank you for reading my story. can you be a friend/coach if i do meet someone in the future? i think i have no guts of dating, and i get attached easily if i like someone as i am so deprived of love...perhaps, no one has ever loved me whom i have liked a bit... see the thing is, yes i was giddy with these make out sessions...perhaps this may come across as justification, but i have kissed not many guys in my life, and have never had sex....this is not because i am unattractive or no guy wanted me physically but becuz of my religious beliefs i been waiting to have sex after marriage, but now that i am way behind, i gave up to long kissing sessions and enjoyed...the purpose of sharing this story is that i am not a woman who would want to pursue a guy by giving him physical benefits. i am pretty sure this guy didn't want to have sex, but other physical benefits, yes, he did want, incl blow job, as he asked me once, but i refused...although this guy's seduction was tempting and i gave in to kissing and other physical acts..but i felt bad to have crossed my boundaries, but i also do need love, and him saying he loves me and kissing/holding, made me feel loved. he also made some efforts after our initial dates such as taking me out on dinner/movies a few times and i felt loved...at other times, i wasn;t too happy as i felt i was doing a guys job as picking him, making plans etc....i must admit that i emasculated him a few times as his life style was v frugal, him not making efforts to make me feel wanted, and i in anger told him once that he should force a break up on me, and few days later he did by saying that he feels we are not compatible. i cried alot when he broke up and asked for feedback, he initially didn't wanna give one, and said its him also, as he is not the right guy if he is losing interest in me. after i insist, he said, i wear the pants in our relationship, more dominating, more advanced in career as i m older than him, and put him down a few times on car/his living situation issue. so i feel i am also to blame for this relationship to fail, but i think, although not sure, that he never wanted anything serious with me?? he called us exclusing gf bf, but when i asked him to start thinking about marriage/LTR, he blatantly said he is not ready, will take a long time such as a year or two to decide until which time he wants to date exclusively, (that is before we broke up)..i want to learn from this, and that is why beating around it to figure out what exactly am i doing wrong. and you are v helpful as you are explaining me by breaking down your comments...hug from a sister!

[Ibaadat]

him and i belong to same small group of friends....and it will be so hard to avoid him..i can run into him on fb due to common friends post, future get togethers and such, and i wont be able to move on due to this...i am in a lot of pain as i was loyal and sincere...i am just not sure what he wanted from me when he didn't want sex nor marriage....(he has given up premarital sex according to him as a promise to God after he came out of some trouble, and our 4 months together he never asked me for sex).

[Zahara]

i think i have no guts of dating, and i get attached easily if i like someone as i am so deprived of love...perhaps, no one has ever loved me whom i have liked a bit

 

The question is do you love yourself? If you can't be happy within yourself, living life independently and actually enjoying your own company -- then this dependence of finding someone to love you is going to be a constant let down for you. I've been alone for awhile but I'm not seeking or pursuing the goal of wanting someone to love me. I am content with my life and granted I sometimes wish for that companionship, I'm not crippled by those huge expectations and pressures you have set upon yourself.

 

.. but i also do need love, and him saying he loves me and kissing/holding, made me feel loved.

 

And this is where you need to step back. We all want love but just because some guy touches your hand and tells you he loves you, it doesn't mean it's true. In that sense, I know you want that physical connection (kissing, touching) but if that throws you off and blinds you from being mentally present when courting, you should wait and go on actual dates. You started off with this guy right off the bat making out in cars and in his house. None of that. I don't care how much you miss kissing or what not, you don't start off getting to know a guy by blinding yourself.

 

i want to learn from this, and that is why beating around it to figure out what exactly am i doing wrong. and you are v helpful as you are explaining me by breaking down your comments...hug from a sister!

 

I'm here to try and help you and at any point you post I am sure people will come to your aid. If I were you, stop dating for awhile. Focus on yourself. Start attaining goals for yourself. What is it you like to do? Do you have a goal you have always wanted to achieve but never made an effort to work for it? What are your passions? Do you want to go back to school? A man and marriage is not always the end all be all.